germain Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 My now ex and I were in a long distance relationship set to last a year, with a year prior of actually living together/same area. The break up stems from issues with communication while she's away. I wanted contact to increase through texts throughout the day and so on, but she was of the opinion that once or twice a week was all that was really needed to maintain a relationship. Frequent arguments were started by me when she would just drop off the face of the earth and I wouldn't hear from her for hours. During this time though I kept articulating my need for contact, and instead of offering a compromise or alternative, she just told me she would try her best to meet them. And we would make up Feeling it wasn't what she really desired, a few weeks ago I broke down and told her we should consider a break while she's away. I knew resentment would build up, and we would eventually get to a point to where the relationship would not be recoverable at all. At the time she became hysterical and continued to tell me, not a compromise for communication, but that she wanted to work on maintaining my expectation if I would work on not forming the arguments that followed when she would mess up. It seemed fair so I went along. A few weeks later she finally ends it saying we aren't meeting each other's needs. I stayed calm and told her if that's what she wants, then it's what will happen. She seemed a bit shocked that I didn't have any arguments to make and even questioned if I wanted it to work. We decided to remain "friends" and still do the whole Facebook thing. Days later and I'm sitting here, still in NC wondering if there was something I could have argued. I recognize I do have some insecurity, jealousy and trust issues, which don't particularly shine very well in LDRs, but perhaps my expectations for communication were too much? I feel like she wanted me to tell her that I would work on it and things will be okay so long as we keep trying. I love her so much and I believe with all of my heart that she feels the same way. We're just in a situation that is putting a bit too much pressure and unhappiness on each other. And I'm truly terrified of losing an amazing person because of it. So I ask for advice. Do I send her an e-mail, arguing my case not that we should get back together, but how I love her and realize it's the situation and not the people that has caused us to be so unhappy and break up? And that deep down I believe with some time for her to do her thing for her career, and some time for me to work on my insecurities, I think we could work out well in the future? Even though we haven't spoken since, do I tell her I have to officially go NC for the time being and end the Facebook friendship? Or do I just let it sit? Wait for her to come to some sort of conclusion similar to this. Whether that be in a few weeks or after the year has ended or never.
carhill Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 You were living together and had a LDR end date of one year? My instinct is she wasn't really invested in the relationship and living together was a convenience. Unknown if things happened during the living together process which caused her to use the 'career LDR' to disconnect from you. I'd let it sit. She made a choice. She can own it. She decided for both of you that you weren't meeting each other's needs. Thank her for her clairvoyance (in your own mind) and let it go.
Author germain Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 If anything, living together was a convenience for me as I was living at home at the time (40 minutes away) and she was a mile from my work. Plus I was sort of pressured into moving in with her. I wasn't completely for it, but she wanted to have me there every night after work, so I gave in and it was enjoyable for the most part. Which is something else I don't understand. She expected to see/hear from me every night by having me move in, but now that she's away, it's as if she somehow wants even less contact? I knew she was going to be leaving for a year before we had even started dating. It loomed over the relationship for a while, which may have even lead to my moving in, to sort of enjoy as much time together as possible.
carhill Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 What were her living arrangements when you met? What are her living arrangements now? People are creatures of habit. Did you visit her in her LDR location prior to the breakup? Seeing things clearly helps with acceptance. People don't get up, have a cup of coffee and end LTR's. Thought and emotion goes into it. You noted marked changes. Seeing them clearly and accepting them can help with your healing process. Whatever, if anything, you might have with her in the future will be completely new, so reconcile the past and leave it there, in the past.
Author germain Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 She had roommates and I was added into the mix. Currently she is staying with a somewhat crazy landlady and a roommate. I did help her move in, so yes I've been to the location. I'm not entirely sure where you're going with this though? I know she didn't wake up one day and decided to end it. My jealousy and trust issues were a problem even when she was here, but not to the same extent - or at least weren't tested as much. It's something I've been working on a lot and she has even spent time with me, listening to me articulate and identify a lot of this junk. She knows it's not an overnight process. But I suppose my desire for frequent communication while she's away is somehow showing evidence to her that I am not working at it, which just isn't true.
carhill Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 How far away is 'away'? I just talked with a female friend in Ukraine yesterday. That's about 8700 miles away. When my exW and I were dating, she lived 60 miles away. What I'm doing is gathering background. You know all this stuff. We LS'ers are ignorant of it unless it's shared. Let's go back to this: A few weeks later she finally ends it saying we aren't meeting each other's needs. I stayed calm and told her if that's what she wants, then it's what will happen. She seemed a bit shocked that I didn't have any arguments to make and even questioned if I wanted it to work.'I know I'm having jealousy and trust issues and am working on those issues. I can see how more limited contact can help me work towards resolving them and being a healthier partner.' If you have an opportunity in the future to face this type of issue, try responding in a way which validates her feelings, rather than 'if that's what you want'. This type of statement says, essentially, if not for her 'wants', you would not consider your behavior to be an issue. Say what *you* want. '*I* want to work on this' Anyway, let time pass and work on you. She knows where to find you and you her. People, myself included, often think 'out of sight, out of mind' is a universal rule. Not so. Trust yourself enough to follow your path and accept the possibility of your path and hers converging again at some future point. Or not. Acceptance is the key.
Author germain Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 I can see that being the better response. I suppose I may have been hoping she would already see that's what I had been doing and perhaps recognize this as a mistake. Thank you for the encouragement.
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