zig Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 So what is the real purpose of backing off? It's a tactic that is talked about in here a lot. I've always thought that backing off will hopefully cause the other person to miss you and come around again. I've been guilty myself of wanting things and 'people' in life that I can't have. Also, there have been times where I lost someone special but I didn't know it until they were gone. So is there any reality to this or am I making some dream up in my head? Has anyone in here had positive results in a relationship from backing off or making yourself unavailable?
colliejoanie Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Great question......I'm interested to know the findings!!!!
USMCHokie Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 The only thing you get from playing games is games... There's a big difference between intentionally "backing off" and actually having your own independent life and being unavailable sometimes...the latter being much more desirable..
You'reasian Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 So what is the real purpose of backing off? It's a tactic that is talked about in here a lot. I've always thought that backing off will hopefully cause the other person to miss you and come around again. I've been guilty myself of wanting things and 'people' in life that I can't have. Also, there have been times where I lost someone special but I didn't know it until they were gone. So is there any reality to this or am I making some dream up in my head? Has anyone in here had positive results in a relationship from backing off or making yourself unavailable? If your intent is to back off because you genuinely need to take care of your life, its a neutral or good thing. If a relationship is making you think of backing off, sounds like it may not be as attracted as you thought.
daphne Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 zag, I don't know what the circumstances are surrounding your desire to try something different, so I don't know that I'd recommend it. For me, I back off when I feel I'm being taken for granted, or that perhaps things are going too fast. That being said, if you're being taken for granted, it does have a high rate of success of snapping the jack#$# back into reality. The person can lose you. Until you step back and have a full life independent of them they may oddly not realize that they can. If you are in the beginning of a relationship and want more power, this is a bad idea. It can backfire immensely.
EasyHeart Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 In my mind, you back off when you aren't getting results from being assertive and you don't know whether she is "giving you a hint" or legitimately unavailable. Either she will disappear, which shows that she was never interested, or she will begin to contact/pursue you, which is a green light to pursue her again.
Author zig Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Either she will disappear, which shows that she was never interested, or she will begin to contact/pursue you, which is a green light to pursue her again. That is my intention of backing off. Well, as of a few hours ago I consider it a break-up. I like her very much but she won't let me get close IMO. Either way, I'm just about to leave and go out on the town. I'm getting on with my life as of now. I do hope she comes around but I'm not going to wait for it.
zengirl Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 The healthy purpose of backing off is generally to see where you stand. It's like the idea of standing very still and being very aware of your surroundings. When you're moving about, making plans, communicating actively, you miss things you can see when you back off and stay very still emotionally. But you have to do it without attachment for it to work.
daphne Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 The healthy purpose of backing off is generally to see where you stand. It's like the idea of standing very still and being very aware of your surroundings. When you're moving about, making plans, communicating actively, you miss things you can see when you back off and stay very still emotionally. But you have to do it without attachment for it to work. zengirl, Even those of us who have read books on zen and practiced it actively don't necessarily have a high success rate at it. lol. Staying still emotionally and remaining unattached is very difficult for Americans.
zengirl Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 zengirl, Even those of us who have read books on zen and practiced it actively don't necessarily have a high success rate at it. lol. Staying still emotionally and remaining unattached is very difficult for Americans. Sure. Doesn't always work for me either. And perfection is the enemy of good. Zen is a practice, not an achievement, and that's why I like it, though my point wasn't necessarily about Zen. Nobody expects to run a marathon the first day they run, and some well-trained runners experience setbacks even. Like everything, mental and emotional strength is all about choices and practice.
daphne Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 But staying still and detachment are hallmarks of zen... I still do try and practice it tho. It's still frustrating tho.
brainygirl Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I tend to be a person that will call and text people all the time. To me its just part of being me. But in doing so, all the contact I have with guys I am interested in is initiated by me. I've found that if I am not sure how interested in me a guy is, I need to just leave him alone for a while. If he starts missing hearing from me and calls or texts, I know he is someone who at least enjoys talking with me. If I don't hear from him for three weeks, I know something else. I DON'T tell people I will call and then don't call, and I don't insist on waiting a certain number of days before I will call someone even if I really like them - to me that is playing games.
phineas Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 sometimes you make yourself to available for someone too early on. They no longer need to make an effort to see you & that can translate into you being less attractive because it seems like you have nothing better to do with your time. Backing off lets you take a step back to see what you were neglecting so you could chase after someone in my opinion.
Mellisa Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 So what is the real purpose of backing off? It's a tactic that is talked about in here a lot. I've always thought that backing off will hopefully cause the other person to miss you and come around again. I've been guilty myself of wanting things and 'people' in life that I can't have. Also, there have been times where I lost someone special but I didn't know it until they were gone. So is there any reality to this or am I making some dream up in my head? Has anyone in here had positive results in a relationship from backing off or making yourself unavailable? I would call it giving each other space to follow your own life for a while;I think every relationship needs that space otherwise it'll get exhausting.People sometimes need that space to figure out what they truely want and also to gain some perspective.You cant do it if the other person is constantly in your face..If he comes back, then you'll know you have something in the first place;If he doesnt,you two probably never meant to be. If you love something,set it free;If it comes back, it's yours;If it doesnt, it never was.
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