80sofconfus12 Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Hello- My fiance broke up with me two days ago. We were planning on getting married next year. He lost his job earlier this year and the search for work has been brutal.I have noticed lots of changes in his behavior since he became unemployed. His sleep patterns vary, as he can sleep 10+ hours and feel exhausted, or stay awake until 5am. He has lost interest in his favorite activities, including working out and sex. He has started limiting his interaction with people, preferring to stay home instead of socializing. He comes from a very competitive family where failure is a sign of weakness. The break-up came out of the blue. Two days before, he had told me that he never wanted to lose me and that he is so happy to have me in his life. He also purchased me a beautiful gift that was inscribed with the words-you are the love of my life, my inspiration, etc. I receive a text two days later saying that he loves me as a friend and doesn't want to be with me anymore. I was furious and told him that after all of these years, he can break up with me in person. He came over and we talked for a few hours. He was crying pretty much the whole time and told me that he couldn't say that he wasn't in love with me. He just feels he's not in the right place right now and that we shouldn't be together. He said that he no longer thinks we are soul mates and doesn't want me to fight for this relationship.I was shocked. I still am. The past two days he has been sending me texts about how he wants to not be here and that he sees no hope for himself. He says he has lost interest in life and no longer wants to "stick around" and see what happens. He says that he is tired of fighting for a job and doesn't see any potential in his life. He finally texted me early this morning to say that he is lost and that I shouldn't worry about him. He said that I have a lot of things that I want to accomplish, but he doesn't and I should forget about him. I have tried to get his family members involved, but he basically pretends to be upbeat when they talk to him. They told me they will watch out for any weird behavior, but I don't think he is confiding in them. I don't know what to do. Every time I ask him if he is planning on hurting himself, he will not respond. He will respond to everything else, but just not that question. Am I overreacting? If his family members think he is blowing off steam, am I just being manipulated? Perhaps he is trying to make me feel sorry for him and not hate him for the break-up? I really am concerned, but I feel I can't do anything. He doesn't want to see me and he will only respond by text. Any suggestions/insights/comments are appreciated. Thanks.
watshername Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I really empathise with you. Im in a similar situation. My ex feels unworthy of my love and doesn't want to depend on me. He doesn't feel capable of giving me what I deserve (all his words). Its so difficult coz all you want to do is be there for them but they push us away. My ex also spoke about not wanting to be here and stuff and its heartbreaking and he knew it was breaking my heart which is another reason he pushed me away. It's hard for a person not suffering from depression to understand what is going through the person who you Love's head. Basically he feels like a failure and unworthy of your love. He is angry at himself and if you continue to love him he will only feel more unworthy in his mind. All you can do is let him know you care and will never stop caring. That you will try to be strong for him and be there as much as he needs. Of course this is if you want to be. If it is too much for you, and for a lot of people it will be. Then you have to do whats best for you and walk away. Telling his family was a very good thing to do. They can look after him. If you stick around, don't be thinking you will get back together as the hope and disappointment will continuously run and your emotions will be all over the place. Just be a friend. I know it's hard. Its the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. x
tb24 Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Very worrying! Contacting his family was a very good move, especially if he's close to them. Losing your job really can affect you. A friend of mine went from being one of the happiest, funnest people I know to being depressed and always down. He went to probably 100 interviews over the course of 1.5 years. He just felt useless and that nobody wanted him. The best thing I could do was be there for him and help him look for jobs. I felt bad that I couldn't help him better. He was also single at the time so that didn't help. He still doesn't have a job but he's never been suicidal he tries to be optimistic about his future too. He knows there's a recession and getting work is hard. He understands that it will get easier. In my opinion, the problem (as he sees it) is that he has no attainable goals in life. He needs something he can accomplish. Have you considered suggesting education? He could do a college/evening course on something that would both give him something to work towards and increase his job prospects. He needs to feel proud of something he's done. Either creatively, academically or anything. Does he play sports / play an instrument / do anything creative? Any of those should be able to give him some goals, something to look forward to. The best thing you can do is make sure he knows you'll stick by him no matter what and that him not having a job isn't a deal breaker. As whatshername suggests, he might feel he's not good enough for you and that by not having a job he's somehow let you down.
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