dreamingoftigers Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Okay so this is the self-improvement forum. Let's just say I should have been here awhile ago. There are many things in my life that I have had to learn are not in balance. I have had to learn the very, very hard way. I think that most people have to attain a basic skill set to be able to navigate adult life successfully: 1) A spiritual compass of some kind: because if your life has no purpose you are tethered to nothing. 2) Financial Management Skills: This gives you tremendous personal power, options and freedoms. Without them you can be unstable, constantly stressed and subject to loss without being able to afford protection. Your options in life narrow sharply without financial management skills. 3) A balance between being able to feel your emotions and not let them run your life. More stressful then anything else, not feeling in control of your own faculties will affect your energy level, well-being, ability to form and maintain relationships, the choices you make, your health in general and potentially the health of those around you. You need some healthy empathy. You need to be able to keep yourself motivated and not depend on external sources for this. 4) Basic relationship and intimacy skills: Most of us will not pass through this life alone and we need to know how to aid in generating a partnership that gives us hope and enriches our life. We need to know how to properly form a relationship, first by attracting a potential mate, properly selecting a mate, making it so they feel respected, loved and cherished. Then finding the skills and self-awareness to maintain that level of respect and love while maintaining proper boundaries with them. Finding ways of obtaining energy to put into our relationship when things look bleak and need to be re-negotiated (without stepping outside the relationship, thus risking its destruction. Finding that energy to maintain a rewarding sexual bond. 5) Image skills: another form of personal power that adds to your emotional well-being, financial success and relationship prowess. Who do you present to the outside world? Are you unkempt and smelly? If so, it will create problems. What does your appearance, voice, weight, wardrobe say about you? Does it say what you want it to say? 6) Boundaries: Knowing how to set boundaries is crucial. You need to show that you respect yourself and others. Do not make a mess in other's lives, do not lower your dignity to do this. Stick with what you say etc. If you keep excellent boundaries, you are more likely to associate with others that keep excellent boundaries. It also helps you to not be swayed by whoever is shouting the loudest or being the most reactive. 7) Coping with stress: Stress is insane lately, now we have waaaayyyy more to balance and less time to do it in, with fewer resources, stressed anyone? We need to be able to process it and not let it wear us down. We need to be able to pick what we commit to and not overcommit ourselves. 8) Social/Communications skills: to be able to effective ask for and get what you want. Also to be able to pick up on the cues of others. To not be stuck being vague or avoiding conflict to simply pacify someone that really should not be pacified. Crucial for making friends, finding a mate, on the job. 9) Health skills: Being able to maintain a healthy body is crucial to day-to-day function and impacts every other area of your life. Your diet influences your moods. You can be physically unable to do things. You can have self-esteem issues due to your body. 10) Basic goal-setting. So that you can consistently measure where you were and where you are. Without this you can feel lost and truly hopeless sometimes ("nothing ever changes"). It is also hard to plan out where you are going and what you should do next. 11) Being a good driver: because I hate getting cut off! So stop it! _______________________________________________________________ Anyways in honour of my 1000th post, I would like to try to set goals for where I want to be and how I need to get there. This is also a really difficult thing for me to come to terms with because my life has been so greatly messed up and unstable for such a long time, that climbing out of it seems nearly impossible as this point. I can only hope that my 30s will be better. If all else fails, maybe my life can serve as a warning to others. Just kidding. I know others on here will look down on me for the choices I have made and the stupid assumptions I have made in my life regarding many things. I don't care. I don't care because the only thing I can do about that now is move forward from them and try to fix them. I truly believe it does take more courage and determination to admit to who I honestly am and work towards becoming someone better, despite scrutiny. I am hoping that this thread will help keep my accountable to my goals and that I will be able to pass on more options and a better circumstance to my daughter, who is really cute I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I came from a ridiculously abusive home, which is not an excuse, but what remains is the fact that many of these skills are learned from parents and role-models that lead the way. I had no such role-models. I did not even know what skills I was missing and how bad I was missing them until the last couple of years, mostly I assumed I was a bit weird, but average.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 To start with, my business has failed for the most part. It failed because we did not know how to properly manage a business, partially because we did not know how to properly manage our lives. We have recurring clients that we can roll over into a new business and dissolve this one. Part of dissolving this one looks as though one of us will have to go through personal bankruptcy, followed by the other one. Our business became to debt-heavy with marketing and advertising that there is no way to clear the wreckage. We had to lay off all of our staff last week and we are scrambling to make final pay for all of them. One has accepted a deferred payment. Of course we both feel terrible for what we have done. We never started a business to mess up people's lives. We started it to gain some financial freedom. To grow something of our own. The work is definitely in demand and the payout okay. We never tracked anything and figured we could catch up later. We rarely did the math on any of our expenses (I really didn't even know how, we were charging way too close to our margins, 90% of our intake went right to wages.). We figured we were getting the work and could catch up later. Our personal finances look exactly the same, we are debt-ridden and we tried to consolidate back in March to escape getting into late payments, we knew we were headed into trouble with our spending (especially our fast-food habits and impulsive buying). We gave the debts over to a consolidation company and made payments for 4 months. We started receiving calls from our creditors. Nothing was getting paid. We followed up with the company about once a month and they kept telling us that the call centers would not know right away about the consolidation. We kept getting calls. Finally in June, we were told that our file had been "misplaced." In that 4 months they had only paid $10 dollars to an old utility bill. They gave us a refund and an apology letter, but by then our credit was ruined and they interest accrued left us really screwed on being able to pay back what was owed. The debts just keep growing and we are too far behind. My car got repossessed two weeks ago. I am so embarassed. The first thing I need to do is meet with a bankruptcy trustee and make sure we are doing the right thing by going bankrupt. Then we are going to try to rebuild our business, with the proper planning and budgeting in place. We have learned a lot more about the numbers and systems that go into to making a sucessful business and are willing to give it another try. One of our staff members has enough faith in it to give it another go as well. I never want to have personal credit again as long as I live. I want what I do have to be mine, and not at a huge risk for loss. That is my first goal in this section, my second goal is to have savings.
You Go Girl Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I suppose with anything in life, pulling our head out of the sand and stoppig the denial. I have financial issues also, but the above can be applied to just about anything. Nothing really sneaks up on us except mischevious cats. Everything else, we have to actively ignore. We call it procrastination. I think it's deeper than that, actually using the word procrastination to not only postpone, but ignore. Self-sabotage is a very bad thing. I'll be watching your thread.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Since we started medication we have been able to take a step back and see how much we screwed everything up and what drastic measures we would need to take to have some semblance of a normal life.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 I suppose with anything in life, pulling our head out of the sand and stoppig the denial. Very hard to do when you are in denial about being in denial I have financial issues also, but the above can be applied to just about anything. Nothing really sneaks up on us except mischevious cats. Everything else, we have to actively ignore. True, I tend to freeze in fear not knowing what to do and then too scared to find out in case it is overwhelming. We call it procrastination. I think it's deeper than that, actually using the word procrastination to not only postpone, but ignore. Put off dealing with the stress, thereby making the stress intensify. Self-sabotage is a very bad thing. I'll be watching your thread. Glad to have you aboard.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Also another skill I forgot to mention was to keep your environment clean, so important for many reasons. Kind of funny that I clean houses for a living and did not think of this one. I started looking at a website that takes you step-by-step through improving social skills. I think that I do okay person-to-person but sometimes come off differently depending on the circumstance, like being anxious or sometimes not caring (esp. when I am tired). I have had trouble in the past reading cues from others, which is super-important. I think this is the real reason a lot of guys say that they can't find anyone, a lot of them attribute this to their looks when really they have a little more trouble making this happen in the social end of things. I have known guys that look like ass be able to be sluttish over the years simply because they are able to socialize, make their needs known and then go through enough women by sheer numbers alone to find what they want. Most of dating is a numbers game anyways.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 We met with the trustee on Wednesday and we will be moving forward with the bankruptcy in early December. The funny part is, that will be the fastest way to restore our credit. We have also gone out door to door shoveling walks to make ends meet while we pay out our staff. It is hard to work doing cleaning during the day and then shovel walks in the evening. One lady wants us to come back regularly to shovel her walk. I have been reading Organization Skills for People with ADD and I have found out that basically I have all of the earmarks of the issue (finances a wreck, organization all over and nothing fully taken care of). We have still found time to eat better for the most part and avoid fast food (only twice this last week, way down from the usual). We have also set and met a grocery budget twice. Progress is slow, it is hard to keep the business going knowing that it is going to die out soon. We are hoping to get the new name set up soon.
Author dreamingoftigers Posted December 31, 2010 Author Posted December 31, 2010 So trying to cobble together and get started on things has been easier with medication. I have started reading scriptures and praying almost every morning to get in touch with the spiritual side of things. Meditate about 20 mins a day. Lost 40 lbs. Working out about 3 - 5 times a week. Wearing makeup almost every day now. Never did that before. Reading more about personal financial management. Reading Divorce Busters as well. Need to get back on this thread!
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