chloe56 Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 (edited) Hi all, I have been lurking for two months just trying to glean some advice on how to cope.I recently read a post that shook me abit. I am 31yrs old, met my ex about 3.5 years ago, we have lived together for 3yrs. We had a great relationship. Unfortunately late 2008 he lost his job, it was a trying time, I could support us, but obviously he wasn't happy. I was proud of him because he did everything to find work, any job, and did not get despondent. He finally got a night job in the 2009, he wasn't thrilled by the new job but work is work.He asked if he could buy a bike to celebrate having work and to cheer himself up. I was all for it, I even introduced him to a biker colleague of mine, and everything went downhill from then. I never restricted him from anything, never had cause to doubt him. He started spending nights (when he wasn't working) out, wouldn't call to let me know, even had his phone switched off. The first two times, I was upset, he promised he will at least send a text msg. He didn't. I thought it was just a phase, we were due to get married in July 2010, I thought by then he would get over the initial craze. We even shopped for the wedding things end of January, by Feburary, he tells me he is unsure of wedding. I was stunned, his reasoning was financial issues on his part, plus he really doesnt think he wants to get married. Wedding is called off, I was beyond p@ssed off, didn't speak to him for 2weeks, then I begged for another chance. We got together again, he started going off with a group of bikers for trips, that I was only informed of as he was slinging his stuff into his backpack. When he got back we had rows, he about my not going out with him riding, me about why he doesn't talk to me ahead of time, how could I have got time off work at short notice, why he doesn't contribute to bills anymore etc. He says he is sick of arguements he wants out and he will move out, meanwhile he ignores all calls from my family. We stopped talking for about a month.We live in a one bedroom flat. It was bad. I went home in July for the two wks that would have been wedding/honeymoon , came back, I initiated contact, we started to talk, he agrees to try again, then exactly a week after agreeing to try, he wants to go for a biker camp thing for a week. I just lost it. Told him to get out and stay out, he did in, under 2.5 hours he moved. This time I haven't contacted him at all since then,well neither has he. I can't really talk to my family because they are even taking it harder than I am, which means I need to pretend I am handling it alright. Basically, I don't know what to think. I suppose it is over. I keep hoping he reverts back to who he was before the bike. I just need to move on.I don't know what I need to do. Sorry for this. Edited November 13, 2010 by chloe56
PegNosePete Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 You need to stay split up from this guy. Seriously how many times are you going to bash your head against the same brick wall? He quite clearly doesn't give a cr@p about your feelings. Tell your family you've split permanently, and stick to it.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Hi all, I have been lurking for two months just trying to glean some advice on how to cope.I recently read a post that shook me abit. I am 31yrs old, met my ex about 3.5 years ago, we have lived together for 3yrs. We had a great relationship. Unfortunately late 2008 he lost his job, it was a trying time, I could support us, but obviously he wasn't happy. I was proud of him because he did everything to find work, any job, and did not get despondent. He finally got a night job in the 2009, he wasn't thrilled by the new job but work is work.He asked if he could buy a bike to celebrate having work and to cheer himself up. I was all for it, I even introduced him to a biker colleague of mine, and everything went downhill from then. I never restricted him from anything, never had cause to doubt him. He started spending nights (when he wasn't working) out, wouldn't call to let me know, even had his phone switched off. The first two times, I was upset, he promised he will at least send a text msg. He didn't. I thought it was just a phase, we were due to get married in July 2010, I thought by then he would get over the initial craze. We even shopped for the wedding things end of January, by Feburary, he tells me he is unsure of wedding. I was stunned, his reasoning was financial issues on his part, plus he really doesnt think he wants to get married. Wedding is called off, I was beyond p@ssed off, didn't speak to him for 2weeks, then I begged for another chance. We got together again, he started going off with a group of bikers for trips, that I was only informed of as he was slinging his stuff into his backpack. When he got back we had rows, he about my not going out with him riding, me about why he doesn't talk to me ahead of time, how could I have got time off work at short notice, why he doesn't contribute to bills anymore etc. He says he is sick of arguements he wants out and he will move out, meanwhile he ignores all calls from my family. We stopped talking for about a month.We live in a one bedroom flat. It was bad. I went home in July for the two wks that would have been wedding/honeymoon , came back, I initiated contact, we started to talk, he agrees to try again, then exactly a week after agreeing to try, he wants to go for a biker camp thing for a week. I just lost it. Told him to get out and stay out, he did in, under 2.5 hours he moved. This time I haven't contacted him at all since then,well neither has he. I can't really talk to my family because they are even taking it harder than I am, which means I need to pretend I am handling it alright. Basically, I don't know what to think. I suppose it is over. I keep hoping he reverts back to who he was before the bike. I just need to move on.I don't know what I need to do. Sorry for this. Um, I really don't think it is a bike he is seeing. Seriously, I was just waiting for you to say girl anywhere in the above quote, it honestly seems to be the missing piece of the puzzle. Seriously? Phone off. No txt msg. Out all night, do you really think that the bike needed that much of and oil change? All of a sudden reconsidering marriage in a flash. Honey, he's been messing around. No doubt.
cozenedindigo Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Don't apologize. Good on you for coming here. God, it sounds like he gave you absolute bullsh*t. He sounds like a boy, not a grown man. Good on you for posting. It means that you are listening to the healthy inner voice in you to protect you. Just go complete NC for as long as it takes. NC means No Contact -- no emails, text messages, calls, no passing on messages casually via friends, no posting stuff online to get his attention, no status messages to get his attention. Just block him off everything online and offline. This is your life. Disappear from his completely. Let's see how far his biking takes him. It'll be too late by then time he realize it lost him a wife. That might take 2 months to 25 years. Don't wait around. You're not cheap. You're not going to hang around for him to grow up. Complete NC, and post here whenever you feel the urge to talk to him. Purge yourself of him -- total "he"tox. Trust me, right now he seems the only for you but the hardest part is to accept. There are much better out there. You might love him, but you have to love yourself more, or nothing will ever work, not even the most healthy thing. And this is not it, man. You know it
Author chloe56 Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Thank you all for your kind words, I am now thinking that it probably was for the better that we split. Doesn't make it hurt any less, plus I am also beginning to think there was someone else. I would rather not dwell on it. I just want to move on, not think of the past, have control of my emotions. I seem to have the emotional balance of a rickety three legged table at the moment, anything sets me off. I have resisted the urge to ask about him, call, text, any contact. I have blocked him, defriended everything. Infact, I have been so successful I am virtually a hermit as I no longer have any social contact. God I sound so pathetic, I apologise for this, it was the 3month mark today, without any form of contact from him.Guess that tipped me today. Sorry again.
Els Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Um, I really don't think it is a bike he is seeing. Seriously, I was just waiting for you to say girl anywhere in the above quote, it honestly seems to be the missing piece of the puzzle. Seriously? Phone off. No txt msg. Out all night, do you really think that the bike needed that much of and oil change? All of a sudden reconsidering marriage in a flash. Honey, he's been messing around. No doubt. No, when she says 'bike' she means the biking lifestyle... Not simply maintaining his bike!! You know, the thing where bikers think it's cool to go off on spontaneous road trips on big bikes like they don't have a care in the world? Chloe: I wouldn't blame the bike if I were you. Sure it was a trigger; but such triggers only work on people who don't know how to balance their lives to begin with. Stay strong {hugs}.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 No, when she says 'bike' she means the biking lifestyle... Not simply maintaining his bike!! You know, the thing where bikers think it's cool to go off on spontaneous road trips on big bikes like they don't have a care in the world? Chloe: I wouldn't blame the bike if I were you. Sure it was a trigger; but such triggers only work on people who don't know how to balance their lives to begin with. Stay strong {hugs}. I got that, just her post was Dumped Over Motorbike? But yeah, I used to live on the road and the itch still gets me not to stay in one place for too long, but if he has his phone shut off and isn't contacting her when he says he will, we all know what that points to.
Author chloe56 Posted November 21, 2010 Author Posted November 21, 2010 Hey, i am feeling really low lately. Work is stressful, on top of all, I have to be cheerful as some colleagues are getting married or expecting babies. It just seems that the world revolves and I am still stuck in the same routines. Why hasn't he called? Did I mean so little to him? Why am I obsessing over someone who clearly has moved on with his life? What do I do with the tailor made wedding dress, rings etc???? What is wrong with me? I really can not be that hard to love can I? I suppose I should stop ranting and stop hoping for some miracle cure.
GrayClouds Posted November 21, 2010 Posted November 21, 2010 He lost his job, that hurt his male ego, he got a job but rather then feeling better is hurt his ego more for it was not a perfect job. He wants a motorbike, he goes out with the boys to feel, and likely he is cheating to feel better about himself. These are all external things for is internal self doubt. These is how a little boy hands his doubts, not a man. Be thankful you found out before you got married with three kids that he was not a person of depth. It going to hurt but give it time it will get better. Take some comfort in knowing you dodge a bullet.
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