Lost, Stranded. and Alone - She was my world but where did she go?

[restlessmind]

So I have known this girl for 2 years now and just five weeks ago she broke up with me. We are going to the same university and we were best friends before anything more. We became extremely close over the first year and our friendship literally merged into a relationship. Before coming to college she was in an emotionally abusive relationship which I helped her get through and move on from in our first year. Over time we became so attached to each other that we literally spent every moment of everyday with each other. I never got bored of that and it meant the world to me. We started dating about a year ago but nothing was different because we were still getting closer and we were still great friends. Last summer (August) she was back home and I was at college doing summer session (about six weeks). Now during this time we talked but not as often because of our physical separation and our different schedules, me caught up with school and what not. About 6 weeks ago, the start of the school year, she broke off our relationship. The following were the reasons she broke it off:

1. she thought that i don't understand her anymore

2. she wants to be alone and independent

3. she loves me but is not in love with me

 

I have known her so deeply for such a long time and we were amazing friends, beyond comparison. I am in love with her and every day after that break up has been just horrible. I have tried to keep our friendship by trying to iniate conversations and calling her and trying to hang out with her. But now it's always me who is doing that. Before we were inseperable and we were so perfect. We used to call each other during random times during the day and tell each other what we were doing and how we were and it was amazing. Now she rarely ever calls me. In fact until now, she has called me just twice in 6+ weeks. When I am online I always am trying to look for her and if she's online I am always the one who says hi to see what she's up to. I have sent her emails telling her how much I miss her and how much I love her and how much she means to me. I have sent her emails telling her that I miss her attachment, miss her closeness, her care, love and dependence and that now I am alone in my feelings. We have had conversations where I have literally asked her whether or not she can see herself with someone else because truth be told, I cannot. I can't see her with anyone else but me. The thought of her spending that much time with someone else or being that emotional/mental/physical with someone else kills me on the inside - makes my stomach tighten and my throat dry up. I have lost all hunger, and I can't sleep at night because all I can think about is her. When she goes out to parties with her friends, I am always fearing that she'll dance with other people the way she danced with me - duplicating the intimacy that we had.

 

She has said that she never plans to get back together with me. She says that she wants new experiences and she's not focused on friendship or getting close to me. She says that she's changed now from before and that she doesn't believe in having a best friend. But I see her do all of that with other people but not me.

 

I dont' know what to do. My mind just goes crazy everytime I think about her and the way she just abandoned me and us. She always told me that she'll never leave me that we'll always have each other. But where is she now? I have tried blocking her on im but that only works for a couple of hours or maybe a day max before I cave in and i unblock her only to see that its me doing all the talking and trying to get closer. How can someone just leave another person like that? Her friends say that I did nothing wrong, that it was her choice and her choice alone. Everything was going fine and now she's gone. She parties with other people, she spends time with other people, she talks with other guys and get closer to them. I thought what we had and what we built was so pure and so true and genuine. I thought what we had was something to fight for over and over again because we were amazing together. But was all of this a lie? Was she just trying to use me to get forward in her own life. I don't know, all I know is I have lost the one person that I have ever gotten close in my life and nothing in my life seems right anymore. The pain is too much and I can't bear it. She meant the world to me and I would have done everything and anything to make her happy - i did. She;s left me and I am all alone now and I dont' know what to do...why, why did she just disappear from my life. Was I not good enough, did I not make her happy. What about all those times she said she was the happiest with me, and that she made the most amazing choice by being with me, that she loved me. It was all a lie? She just used me and once she was done she just spat me out? What do I do? Why doesn't it hurt her to do the things she is doing? How can it be so easy for her to just freeze me out and leave me and ignore me and move on?

[sugarmomma]

Never give your love to someone that doesn't feel the same way. Be very careful who you open your heart up to. Sorry for your pain. Cut all contact, be good to yourself and move forward.

[restlessmind]

How can she just forget about us and forget about me? Everything she said, everything we did, everything I felt - all of it was so real to me but now she doesn't even look back once. She was my first love and I can't see her with anyone else. I can't see myself with anyone else. People say that time will heal and that the pain will get better. But I still cry and it still hurts and my mind still wanders on the past and what we had, the laughs, the smiles, the connection and love that we shared...was I just blind?

[Hhhh]

How can she just forget about us and forget about me? Everything she said, everything we did, everything I felt - all of it was so real to me but now she doesn't even look back once. She was my first love and I can't see her with anyone else. I can't see myself with anyone else. People say that time will heal and that the pain will get better. But I still cry and it still hurts and my mind still wanders on the past and what we had, the laughs, the smiles, the connection and love that we shared...was I just blind?

 

My first love broke up with me two months, and the pain is finally passing. Were you blind? probably, thats what your first love does to you, in a few months the fog will fade and you will start to see clearly. She's not worth your time you need to move forward with your life and find a person that is compatible with you.