Silver_Tears Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 So my boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me a few days ago. It was hard on me but I saw it coming. We are both in college and things had gone great last semester. Over the summer we talked about every three days and saw eachother a couple of times a month (we lived far apart). But things seemed different between us when we got back to college in September. I confronted him about it and he said he didn't feel the same anymore. I asked him if he had any idea why, if he wanted to see other people, if he had his eye on another girl. Did I do something to upset him? No, he said it was him not me. I was confused and hurting. I tried all sorts of things to win him back but he didn't seem as committed to it as I was. I saw how hard it was for him to break things off with me. He didn't want to hurt me, and said he still cared and wanted to be friends, but understood that I wouldn't be able to see him for a while to give me time to heal. He hugged me and kissed me goodbye. Thats how he left things. I did send him a short message saying I had done some thinking and realized this was what was best for both of us. I did that because I had done a lot of crying and begging when he left me and I wanted him to know I wasn't sitting around like a nervous wreck waiting for him to come back. I guess I want to know if there is any hope? He says he wants to be friends but I know I won't be able to bring myself to do that. I feel like this semester I was really clingy (because I was terrified to lose him) and I am reading some self-help books to help with that. I'm trying to move on, but it is hard. I hoping all he needs is a break and I can work on my coedependance and hopefully when we see eachother next (maybe I can try after thanksgiving that would have given us 3 weeks, or is that too soon?) he will see how fun I can be.
Broken123 Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Okay, I'm pretty new to this site so I probably don't have all the correct answers. I'm also going through the same situation except I'm on the guy side for my ex Girlfriend breaking up with me because of her loss of feelings. From what I have read on this site so far is that you should not be friends with him. Do NOT give yourself hope that he will come back, because if he doesn't, you will just hurt for a longer period of time and will take longer to heal. NC is the key, If he will come back, only time will tell.
cerridwen Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 ^^Agree NC is the key. But also want to say it's going to be extra helpful that you're reading self-help books and working on co-dependence. That's brilliant and will help you heal from this relationship and avoid it in others. Don't be surprised if you begin to lose interest in getting back together as you avoid all contact with him. Good luck. Keep posting for support.
bernardverh Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Silver_Tears, If the clingy issue was a reason to leave you, then you could try working on this. At this moment you cannot do anything. No contact is the best option to get yourself together again. It could also make him realize what he lost. I would advise you to not seek any contact for the next 4 weeks. You will be feeling much better at that time. If you then still want him, you could give him a quick call to ask how things are going. If he gets back to you earlier, it's also positive. At this moment you cannot fix it, if there's any chance at all, it needs time.
Author Silver_Tears Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Thanks everyone! Yeah, I haven't had any contact with him since we broke up except for that quick note saying I accepted it ( he seemed worried that I wouldn't eat or I would just sit around and become depressed. He made me promise not to do that before he left. So I wanted him to know I was okay. ) I will try the no contact for four weeks and see how it goes. I know he won't call though because he told me he will give me my space and when I am ready to see him let him know. I will give it time and see where it goes. Each day is a little better, but about once a day I get really down about it for an hour or so. Ah well, the wound is still fresh. Its nice I found these forums though, it helps to know I am not alone.
AlisaMarie Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I know how you feel. At least he didn't cheat on you. He was straight up that he might have interest in other girls... which honestly doesn't feel any better. You seem like a very smart person. You know the rules and steps to take during a breakup... reading self help books on relationships saved me so many times. I think you should focus on moving on but try to get rid of the thought that he may come back. He may... but he may not. You shouldn't wait- it's not fair. Move on and get out with your friends and focus on school. You never know what can happen.
Author Silver_Tears Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Actually, he didn't say he was interested in anyone else---in fact he said he wasn't. But he did say part of him wanted to be single now. For the last two months, he has gone to parties every weekend and did a lot of drinking. Which he didn't do last semester, maybe he just needs time to find himself. Either way I am gonna keep helping myself...I really loved him though. What we both need though is space and maybe he will realize what he lost.
heart of gold Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 are you and him by any chance freshmen or sophomores in college?
Am4Real Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Actually, he didn't say he was interested in anyone else---in fact he said he wasn't. But he did say part of him wanted to be single now. For the last two months, he has gone to parties every weekend and did a lot of drinking. Which he didn't do last semester, maybe he just needs time to find himself. Either way I am gonna keep helping myself...I really loved him though. What we both need though is space and maybe he will realize what he lost. You are both pretty young, right? Perhaps its as innocent (for him) as not wanting to be tied up in a relationship while in the prime of youth... If he was not into the relationship 100% would you not want him out of your love life anyway?
Author Silver_Tears Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 Heart of Gold--no we are sophomores and juniors, sound some other people you know? Actually we were going out for 11 months, I don't know why I put 9 earlier (I've been really distracted lately). Also the codependance thing is more I am dependant on others reactions for me to be happy. For example, if my boyfriend wasn't happy I'd feel it was my fault and blame myself. It's not that I seek abusive people. Yeah, we are young, and I am hoping he does just want to break and go do his partying (I never held him back from doing that though). Live the life. Then hopefully come back to me. But I know I can't push it, even though every day I feel the urge to throw myself at his feet and beg for him to take me back. I still haven't contacted him though, which is good. He really messed me up with the whole "my feelings have changed but I don't know why", "It's not you, it's me", "I would love for us to be friends", and "I still care about you"....I know these are the standard lines in many break ups, but they are really confusing to the dumpee because I don't know what went wrong. I really do think the summer killed us and all the stress with classes.
Author Silver_Tears Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 I am still going strong with the nc, but it is hard to do. He has changed a lot since last semester according to mutual friends. He wants to party all the time and get the college experience. Apparently he doesn't see me as part of it. I hope he may realize sometime what he lost. I also know form mutual friends that he feels terrible about the whole thing. Because he knew how much I cared.
Am4Real Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I am still going strong with the nc, but it is hard to do. He has changed a lot since last semester according to mutual friends. He wants to party all the time and get the college experience. Apparently he doesn't see me as part of it. I hope he may realize sometime what he lost. I also know form mutual friends that he feels terrible about the whole thing. Because he knew how much I cared. Hang in there and be strong; keep working on yourself and healing.
Coolsbreeze Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 That's good, I've been broken up now for about 9 weeks and everyday i feel the urge to talk to my ex girlfriend. It's hard, i don't think there has been one morning where i haven;t felt the urge to talk to her (we used to do that all the time). I have been in NC with her for about 8 weeks ever since i found out that she's had a new boyfriend for about 8 weeks. Ever since finding that out I've used that to drive my NC initiative and I know it's not healthy but my anger towards her has given me the strength to feel the need to talk to her less.
Author Silver_Tears Posted November 23, 2010 Author Posted November 23, 2010 So I have come to the conclusion he broke up with me so he could live out is fantasy party rockstar life. He wants the "college experience", I wish he could have decided that a year ago before he asked me to be in a relationship with him. I don't know this from talking to him personally, I have come to the conclusion by conversing with a few of our mutual friends based on things he told them and how he had changed over the year. Last year he could have fun without alcohol, now it isn't an option. I don't think partying is bad, but when he can't even find time for a date night with me the entire semester it is pretty lame. If you don't drink, you are lame in his opinion. And I do drink, not nearly as often as he does, but I never did in high school. He said I was immature and not intellectual enough for him. Which confuses me because he goes out and parties all the time yet I am immature? And I'm going to college and have a pretty decent GPA, so I'm not stupid. I guess I'll never understand, but it just annoys me how quickly he changed and gave up on us. He was talking to some of his friends and they told him something like if you don't love her now, then you will never love her. Sometimes it just takes time, and I was more than willing to be patient. But he took his friends advice to heart. His friend said he was doing me a favor by breaking up with me. I just started taking anti-depressants because this whole thing has been affecting my coursework. I haven't talked to him, but think I will try after Thanksgiving break is done. Not about our relationship, but just to see him again. He said he would wait until I was ready so I have a feeling going all out NC on him isn't going to do any good. Of course if I don't feel I am ready for anything he might say, I won't talk to him.
Author Silver_Tears Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Even though its only been a few days the anti-depressants have already seemed to help some. I've been feeling a lot better about myself and have been more cheerful around people, more cheerful even than before me and him broke up. I was talking with a mutual friend and they said he is confused about his feelings and doesn't know what he wants anymore. Its been two and a half weeks since we broke up. And when we did he said he saw me as a friend. I don't know what to think. I haven't talked to him, but today I saw him on my way to class. I didn't even recognize him at first, I had to do a double-take, he looked really bad, like he was sick or something. So I just said hi and smiled, and kept walking. Anyways, afterwards I asked a friend if something was up, because he really didn't look to good and I guess he got mono from sharing drinks at a party. I feel bad that he is sick, I'm away from him for the break but I want to talk to him after break (it would have been three weeks), to open the lines of communication again. I wouldn't talk about our relationship or getting back together, I just want to show him how great I can be and am now that I am taking the medication I need. I also want to make sure he is okay, I know being sick isn't fun. I don't need him in my life, but I really would like to have him. And I have a feeling if I go NC on him he isn't going to ever contact me.
Am4Real Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Even though its only been a few days the anti-depressants have already seemed to help some. I've been feeling a lot better about myself and have been more cheerful around people, more cheerful even than before me and him broke up. I was talking with a mutual friend and they said he is confused about his feelings and doesn't know what he wants anymore. Its been two and a half weeks since we broke up. And when we did he said he saw me as a friend. I don't know what to think. I haven't talked to him, but today I saw him on my way to class. I didn't even recognize him at first, I had to do a double-take, he looked really bad, like he was sick or something. So I just said hi and smiled, and kept walking. Anyways, afterwards I asked a friend if something was up, because he really didn't look to good and I guess he got mono from sharing drinks at a party. I feel bad that he is sick, I'm away from him for the break but I want to talk to him after break (it would have been three weeks), to open the lines of communication again. I wouldn't talk about our relationship or getting back together, I just want to show him how great I can be and am now that I am taking the medication I need. I also want to make sure he is okay, I know being sick isn't fun. I don't need him in my life, but I really would like to have him. And I have a feeling if I go NC on him he isn't going to ever contact me. You need to maintain the NO CONTACT and heel yourself. Whether or not he contacts you, is sick, or whatever should be of no interest in you while you put yourself first. Come on now...it's all about you right now.
Author Silver_Tears Posted November 25, 2010 Author Posted November 25, 2010 Yeah, of course healing myself is most important, but I actually feel better than when I was with him (probably the medicine). Sure, sometimes I get feeling blue, but those times have become less and less. I would only talk to him if I knew I was ready. And I felt comfortable with myself and being by myself. I don't need him. And he acted like a jerk to him the past month because drinking and parties had taken priority in his life. I would have broken up with him if I had only realized that sooner. It would just be interesting to see if now that he isn't supposed to drink how he is like. Maybe I'm just being stupid...but I feel it is the right thing to do. Of course, I'm not going to show up outside his door, I'd probably just send him a message on fb or something saying how have you been and just see how that goes. Like I said, I won't do it unless I am positive I am ready.
Am4Real Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 (edited) Yeah, of course healing myself is most important.. I'd probably just send him a message on fb or something saying how have you been and just see how that goes. Like I said, I won't do it unless I am positive I am ready. No it's not the most important thing to you if you're still thinking about when and how you will contact him one day in the future. You're holding out hope and, he simply has chosen not to be with you. You must face this reality and work on yourself without the intention of contacting him. If contacts you one day, then fine, you can choose what to do when that happens, but the last thing (if ever) you will do is contact him. There is no purpose contacting someone that does not want you. Edited November 25, 2010 by Am4Real
Fufu Posted November 25, 2010 Posted November 25, 2010 Sometimes I find it weird a person can change their feelings or heart so easily. That happens to my ex-bf as well. Suddenly he was just lost and confused about our relationship. However, I do believe there are always a reason or 2 that made them feel like this suddenly. I agree with the rest, go NC. It's for our own emotional well-being, as well as for them. Contacting them or show to them we can't get over them make them even more confusing.
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