myhearthurtsbadly Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Hello everyone, about a year ago i was posting here regularly trying to come to terms with my first major breakup. It was the most painful time in my life but eventually i moved on and met another girl with whom i fell in love. The story is as follows... I met her at a party and we clicked instantly, i got her number and for the next week we had the most amazing chats. There was an incredible attraction there. We started seeing each other and before long were 'going out'. I met her family and got on amazingly well with them. She took me to Mallorca where she told me she was in love with me and was becoming her 'everything'. I have helped her through a very difficult time (she lost all her friends because she lied about having cancer, which eventually came out). I know you are all thinking this girl is crazy right?! Well to be honest shes not, shes just very insecure and she told the first lie many years ago, and therefore had to continue the story. To tell you the truth i wanted to look after her and i did. I got her through the hardest time in her life. In the last 2 months we have been having petty arguements which started when i had to go back to university. This all culminated in her asking for space about 5 days ago. Having learnt from a previous relationship i immediately played it cool and went NC. Within a few hours she was backpeddling madly. She was scared she was going to lose me. She sent me the following text: 'I can't just leave it like this otherwise these past 5 months may as well not happened. I know i need space but i can't lose you. I would still love to come to paris with you and your family so if you couldnt change my name just yet i would like that?! If you would want me to come that is. What do you think?' We reconciled for all of a day when i found out she had lied to me about petty things. The whole point of our relationship was that she didnt lie to me like she had to everyone else. Basically i was extremely hurt and angry. Stupidly i took it out on her by telling her she needs help and what everyone said about her using and controlling people is completely true. To this she said: If thats what you think then i am breaking up with you and she meant it. The past few days have been incredibly painful and i have not been able to eat or sleep. She told me this evening that was i said to her was a tipping point and all her feelings are gone. She also said that the relationship was too intense. Truth be told she is frightened of commitment and 6 months is the point where it usually starts to show. She sounded so distant and angry on the phone like she really hates me. This relationship does not deserve to end now or like this. I guess i am asking advice on where to go from here, how to act when both people are hurt but you know the relationship hasnt run its course. She is calling me tommorow morning. I am tearing my hair out and cannot believe i am in this situation again with the pain, tears, frustration, jealousy. I said to her well a few days ago you said you cant lose me to which she said 'well things change'. Please keep me sane lshackers. This place was invaluable last time and i am sure it will prove to be again. Many thanks if you have read all of this! Michael
Author myhearthurtsbadly Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 You are 100% right about the first bit, her growing stronger making me weaker. I however have no idea what you are on about in the second bit!
Weekender Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Hi Michael, It does seem that she is trying to exert control over the relationship. I do not believe all her feelings for you can disappear so quickly just because she is mad at what you had said. Can you tell us if she had any misgiving about your returning to university? This seems to be when your arguements began. I also want to ask if she gave any explaination to the lie about having cancer? This is a huge red flag to be honest, that even her friends didn't forgive. Do you think it is possible that the opportunity to come to her rescue was appealing to you?
Ajax Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 It sounds to me as if the relationship, as real as it was to you, was not what you thought it was or intended it to be. The feelings were real, and that's important, but she's not who you thought she was. Her lying to her friends about having cancer should have been a huge red flag. And then the fact that she lied to you about insignificant things has to make you wonder what significant things she's also lied about. How well can you really know this woman? How can you trust her? As much as it hurts, be thankful that this didn't happen after you were married. Maintain NC and get her out of your system. There are some people who are pathological liars, possibly borderline personality disorder, that play the victim and get you to fall hard and fast for them. They come off as sweet and innocent, make you the center of their world, and pour on the charm and passion just before ripping your heart out. I'd post a link but some of my esteamed colleagues have gotten in trouble for such things. But google "borderline personality disorder" and cross it with "relationships" and tell me if what you find sounds familiar.
Weekender Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I'm in agreement with Ajax. This may have turned into a long rollercoaster ride for you. Definitely google boarderline personalities. Remember, her friends who knew her longer and better bailed. I don't think the phone call tomorrow will be helpful either.
Author myhearthurtsbadly Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 I typed border line personality disorder in relationships in google and clicked on the first link. I read a few paragraphs and burst into tears. This is her, this is what she is. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. God help me.
sedgwick Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Okay, as a person with borderline personality disorder, I *CRINGE* when every time someone describes a woman who did something crazy, someone immediately pops up and says "borderline." I have never once, ever, nor WOULD I ever, lie(d) about something as serious as cancer. We are not all batsh*t crazy pathological liars!!!!!!!! I spent a year and a half in treatment for BPD and definitely consider myself recovered. Lying about a serious illness like cancer is appalling. Think LOOOOOOOOOONG and hard about throwing the BPD diagnosis around. Please. Someone doing something crazy and insecure is not a sign she has it, and someone who has it is not by default a pathological liar. You can diagnose anybody with anything if you start reading mental illness websites, especially if you're mad at/hurt by that person.
Weekender Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I typed border line personality disorder in relationships in google and clicked on the first link. I read a few paragraphs and burst into tears. This is her, this is what she is. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. God help me. There is a very helpful book called Stop Walking On Eggshells about relationships with people with BPD and for recovering from being in relationships with people who have BPD. I was in a long term relationship with a beautiful woman who had this. I too had the same moment you just had reading the description. The ups and downs were combinations of heaven and hell. The first year was great. But after that the ride began.... I had gotten engaged to mine and that is when things began to change. But unless the other person recognizes there is a problem and actively tries to work on it...it is almost impossible for things to change. I tell you sadly from experience, that I wouls like to spare you from. God Bless
sedgwick Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Yes yes, definitely everyone should be SPARED FROM THE BORDERLINES!! We are TERRIBLE! We are AWFUL! We're just sitting around waiting to look all sweet and innocent and then LIE AND RIP OUT YOUR HEARTS!!! For the record, I have never broken a heart. I've only had mine broken. And I've never been anything but honest about exactly who I am and what I'm dealing with. GOD I f*cking hate generalizations... Oh, and about that statement "this is WHAT she is?" Yeah, god forbid she should be a WHO. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Weekender Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Okay, as a person with borderline personality disorder, I *CRINGE* when every time someone describes a woman who did something crazy, someone immediately pops up and says "borderline." I have never once, ever, nor WOULD I ever, lie(d) about something as serious as cancer. We are not all batsh*t crazy pathological liars!!!!!!!! I spent a year and a half in treatment for BPD and definitely consider myself recovered. Lying about a serious illness like cancer is appalling. Think LOOOOOOOOOONG and hard about throwing the BPD diagnosis around. Please. Someone doing something crazy and insecure is not a sign she has it, and someone who has it is not by default a pathological liar. You can diagnose anybody with anything if you start reading mental illness websites, especially if you're mad at/hurt by that person. Yes, I agree. I only wish my ex was more open to what you did.
Author myhearthurtsbadly Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Sedgewick i apologise to you but maybe this is a thread you should stay out of. Everyone else. I read this: http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm Suddenly it all makes sense. This is our relationship exactly. It explains everything. What do i do now? Im guessing once she feels i am rejecting her with no contact she will run back? She has been receieving help but noone has diagnosed her with this yet.
Weekender Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Sedgewick i apologise to you but maybe this is a thread you should stay out of. Everyone else. I read this: http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm Suddenly it all makes sense. This is our relationship exactly. It explains everything. What do i do now? Im guessing once she feels i am rejecting her with no contact she will run back? She has been receieving help but noone has diagnosed her with this yet. Well, just to be fair, Sedgewick makes a good point about the lying about cancer. And she is right about treatment. The key thing though is getting the person to recognize the disorder and do the treatment. There is a huge stigma with the label, which is thrown about easily. As for her running back, who knows. Everyone responds in their own way. You have a glimpse of what a future with this young woman would be like. Think about it....she said she had cancer.
Author myhearthurtsbadly Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Well, just to be fair, Sedgewick makes a good point about the lying about cancer. And she is right about treatment. The key thing though is getting the person to recognize the disorder and do the treatment. There is a huge stigma with the label, which is thrown about easily. As for her running back, who knows. Everyone responds in their own way. You have a glimpse of what a future with this young woman would be like. Think about it....she said she had cancer. Thankyou for your advice. I guess what i need now is to be told how to act to make me get better. I am overwhelmed that i have to go through this again. Its 6:30 in the morning here in England. Another night of no sleep.
Weekender Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Thankyou for your advice. I guess what i need now is to be told how to act to make me get better. I am overwhelmed that i have to go through this again. Its 6:30 in the morning here in England. Another night of no sleep. Nah, nobody wants to be told how to act. I lose sleep over this too. But if you lose sleep for days on end and it will make you think in a funny way. I read some of what was in your link and it is my old situation. You are hurt bad and it is clear in your writing...do your best to get some rest. If you are convinced this girl has BPD try to find the book I recommended.
sedgwick Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 (edited) Sedgewick i apologise to you but maybe this is a thread you should stay out of. Everyone else. I read this: http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm Suddenly it all makes sense. This is our relationship exactly. It explains everything. What do i do now? Im guessing once she feels i am rejecting her with no contact she will run back? She has been receieving help but noone has diagnosed her with this yet. Sedgwick. No E. And no website explains EVERYTHING. And none of us can tell you what she will or won't do, because she is an individual, not a disorder. And if she's receiving professional help but has not been diagnosed borderline, then maybe, just maybe, she's NOT. Maybe she's just a really screwed-up person who LIED ABOUT HAVING CANCER. But definitely, please, cast the one person here who has firsthand experience with the truth of the disorder out of your thread, and for sure don't ask for my opinion or experience with treatment or anything. Edited November 13, 2010 by sedgwick
Ajax Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Okay, as a person with borderline personality disorder, I *CRINGE* when every time someone describes a woman who did something crazy, someone immediately pops up and says "borderline." I have never once, ever, nor WOULD I ever, lie(d) about something as serious as cancer. We are not all batsh*t crazy pathological liars!!!!!!!! I spent a year and a half in treatment for BPD and definitely consider myself recovered. Lying about a serious illness like cancer is appalling. Think LOOOOOOOOOONG and hard about throwing the BPD diagnosis around. Please. Someone doing something crazy and insecure is not a sign she has it, and someone who has it is not by default a pathological liar. You can diagnose anybody with anything if you start reading mental illness websites, especially if you're mad at/hurt by that person. Thanks for sharing sedgwick. Putting forth the possibility that the OP's ex might be dealing with BPD wasn't meant to offend or cast jusgement, and if it came across that way then I appologize. I also freely admit that I am not a medical professional and cannot diagnose a mental disorder. I haven't read any of your threads, are there any in which you discuss your experience with BPD? That being said, IF the OP's ex is dealing with this then it might explain a few things about the relationship and help him make sense of what happened. I'm sure that not everyone with BPD is a pathological liar, but from what he said it sounded very similar to it so I thought I'd throw in my 2 cents... which is just that, my 2 cents.
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