lululucy Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I think you're just in the friend-zone at this point. She still wants to talk to you and keep in contact (which she wouldn't do if she were repulsed by you) but she has no hesitation in constantly pushing back plans.. something girls usually only do with friends, not potential bfs. If you'd like to be her friend, by all means make tenative plans, but I'd forget about her as a romantic interest.
dispatch3d Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Yes she calls me. Earlier this week we talked three days in a row. She called once, told me to call her tomorrow so I did (second time). Third day I also called and is when she said she wanted to see me. We set up a day but it got messed up because of something (neither of our faults). We also both initiate texts. On average we talk or text every other day. But getting face time with this girl has been impossible. 2 dates and 4 cancellations in one month. And that doesn't include about 3 other times I asked and she said she couldn't. lol dude. Call her on the phone and start talking, after about half an hour or whatever offer to go grab a coffee or whatever. Or say I am going to x why don't you come. Or hey, I'm going to watch this movie I really like why don't you join me...
Author zig Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 How is this for icing on the cake? So I broke down (it happens). I texted, and yes I know texting is a bad way to do this.. anyway asked her if she wanted to see a movie tonight. Said she couldn't had plans. I texted and said, "this isn't working out is it? She replied, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I thought you understood that it's hard right now because I'm so busy. I know it can be frustrating. I'm really sorry." Sounds to me like she gave me the go ahead to get lost? I said we can talk about it after the weekend and no reply. You live and learn I guess. The moral of the story is I should have went with my gut weeks ago and launched when I first seen this pattern developing. Question is do I follow up with the phone call or just let her call me if she desires? What's done is done.
You'reasian Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Been talking to this girl for about a month. We've been on two dates in the first week. Everything thing has gone wonderful and we get along great. We text, talk on the phone, and chat online. Not everyday, but we keep in touch if you get my drift. Please someone help. It's almost three weeks now and this girl can't find it in herself to set up a date and keep it. She's canceled over three times and is totally inept to keeping a commitment with me. Everything else about her is wonderful but finding time for me obviously isn't her priority. She works full time and is also going to school so I understand she is busy but is anyone really THAT busy?? Three WEEKS and she can't see me? She's not interested. I would leave her be and move on.
dispatch3d Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 next time just call and ask her out then. I would just tell her that if she ever gets less busy give me a ring, or something to that effect. ugh I don't like the wording "ever" or the sound of that. It's like defeatist or something. Prehaps just tell her this isn't what you are looking for, which is true, and leave it at that.
BrianK Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Do not text or phone her again. Look for a replacement in the mean time.
Author zig Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Do not text or phone her again. Look for a replacement in the mean time. Thanks man. It was a pretty anticlimactic ending for sure. No closure whatsoever. But maybe avoiding the drama is best and still leaves the ball in her court down the road. Not that I'm not going to try to move on. Because I am going to try to find a replacement.
EasyHeart Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Question is do I follow up with the phone call or just let her call me if she desires? What's done is done.Definitely do not call her again. If she calls, go ahead and talk to her, but don't initiate anything. She knows you like her. If she wants to see you, make her ask. Anything more at this point makes you come off as hopelessly desperate.
Author zig Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Definitely do not call her again. If she calls, go ahead and talk to her, but don't initiate anything. She knows you like her. If she wants to see you, make her ask. Anything more at this point makes you come off as hopelessly desperate. Very well then. I just deleted her number out of my phone. Not out of anger, but so I'm not tempted at one of those "break down" moments. Time to move on. There are many wonderful women out there who would be very happy to be with me
USCGAviator Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I agree that more women should be just straight up about what they feel. Also a woman that wants to be in your presence will find a way to spend time with you no matter how "busy" she is. Trust me
Author zig Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 I agree that more women should be just straight up about what they feel. Also a woman that wants to be in your presence will find a way to spend time with you no matter how "busy" she is. Trust me I agree too but what we must understand is this trait in some women isn't going to go away in our lifetime. The lesson I learned is that actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. Her words told me she liked me but her actions denied it. I let her fool me and boy what a fool I was! I saw the signs in the beginning but chose to look the other way and hope for the best. At the end of the day I can only blame myself for being strung along.
BrianK Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I agree too but what we must understand is this trait in some women isn't going to go away in our lifetime. The lesson I learned is that actions ALWAYS speak louder than words. Her words told me she liked me but her actions denied it. I let her fool me and boy what a fool I was! I saw the signs in the beginning but chose to look the other way and hope for the best. At the end of the day I can only blame myself for being strung along. I know it sucks when that happens after establishing initial feelings for someone and feeling a connection..BUT...you can find that again in a week. Seriously. There are billions of women on earth (like ants, really) and you are perfectly compatible with millions of them. Chalk it up as experience and move on as a stronger person.
lululucy Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Time to move on. There are many wonderful women out there who would be very happy to be with me I second that! Perfect attitude, I'm sure you'll find someone deserving of you soon enough
sanskrit Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Are all the women that read the guys posts on here suffering from selective sight? You don't really need to ask this, right? We are specifically talking about the women that ignore/ lead guys on and thats it. Doesn't matter. Any talk that is critical of how some women behave equates to hatred of all women. Surely you see the logic. OP, to try to be constructive, too much early contact is an oft-repeated theme here, an easy mistake to make, and one I have made many times in the past. Please consider toning down contact with women early in the dating process. They have buddies, pals and families to text and talk with. Your job is to take them out and show them a good time on dates. As some dating coaches say, "allow them to miss you some." Keep some mystery and distance early on, not as a game, but because this person hasn't earned your devoted singular attention yet and you should be cultivating several options at once. Moreover, your life should be such that singular focus is impossible due to other things you have going on in life. That way weeding out the flakes becomes a cool thing as opposed to a stressor. Try to get to the point of "well no need to worry about that one any more, what's -this- one up to?" Tolerance for flakes changes somewhat in the 30s and after. If she has kids, or a very busy job, more latitude. If she has none of these or other factors, move on after the second flake. I usually move on after the first flake if I don't like the excuse given. Once you have a low contact, low tolerance attitude about such things, it's like radar, they know it instinctively, know that you have other options, and miraculously, somehow you won't get flaked on. I haven't been flaked on since 2007, and the woman was actually upfront "I'm just not into the date we had planned." It was a first date, so I respected that without grilling her as to why and just moved onto one of the other options. Options make these angsty early dating problems disappear Problem is, we men can be lazy. We stop when we have what we think is a good one, when in actuality, to level the field, we need to be really proactive and not even start a dating time until we have several options to work at once. If she is desirable generally, will guarantee you that -she- has other options than you. Create balance in this respect and you will be amazed. Expecting people to come out and be honest and upfront is unrealistic in this day and age, and a real rarity. It's almost a relief when they don't as a woman who will be upfront makes herself that much more desirable and above the herd as she is an exception. Just move on from this one. She knows how to get in touch with you if she really wants to.
phineas Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 She replied, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I thought you understood that it's hard right now because I'm so busy. I know it can be frustrating. I'm really sorry." congrats. You're now the bad guy. I'm sure she planned it that way. LOL!
Author zig Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 congrats. You're now the bad guy. I'm sure she planned it that way. LOL! You got that right. She spun the whole thing back on me. Funny thing is the last two weeks I had a gut feeling that she was trying to set me up to break up with her. I need to learn to start taking off the rose colored glasses!
Author zig Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 (edited) You don't really need to ask this, right? Doesn't matter. Any talk that is critical of how some women behave equates to hatred of all women. Surely you see the logic. OP, to try to be constructive, too much early contact is an oft-repeated theme here, an easy mistake to make, and one I have made many times in the past. Please consider toning down contact with women early in the dating process. They have buddies, pals and families to text and talk with. Your job is to take them out and show them a good time on dates. As some dating coaches say, "allow them to miss you some." Keep some mystery and distance early on, not as a game, but because this person hasn't earned your devoted singular attention yet and you should be cultivating several options at once. Moreover, your life should be such that singular focus is impossible due to other things you have going on in life. That way weeding out the flakes becomes a cool thing as opposed to a stressor. Try to get to the point of "well no need to worry about that one any more, what's -this- one up to?" Tolerance for flakes changes somewhat in the 30s and after. If she has kids, or a very busy job, more latitude. If she has none of these or other factors, move on after the second flake. I usually move on after the first flake if I don't like the excuse given. Once you have a low contact, low tolerance attitude about such things, it's like radar, they know it instinctively, know that you have other options, and miraculously, somehow you won't get flaked on. I haven't been flaked on since 2007, and the woman was actually upfront "I'm just not into the date we had planned." It was a first date, so I respected that without grilling her as to why and just moved onto one of the other options. Options make these angsty early dating problems disappear Problem is, we men can be lazy. We stop when we have what we think is a good one, when in actuality, to level the field, we need to be really proactive and not even start a dating time until we have several options to work at once. If she is desirable generally, will guarantee you that -she- has other options than you. Create balance in this respect and you will be amazed. Expecting people to come out and be honest and upfront is unrealistic in this day and age, and a real rarity. It's almost a relief when they don't as a woman who will be upfront makes herself that much more desirable and above the herd as she is an exception. Just move on from this one. She knows how to get in touch with you if she really wants to. I agree with everything you say. But in this situation I don't think that is the case. All our contact was mutual and when I new she was with friends or family over the weekend I wouldn't even bother her. I'd do two or three days at a time without seeking her out. But, what I do realize in hindsight is that I should have backed off at the first sign of her flaking. If I made any mistake that was the one. The next girl that cancels on my twice I'm just going to let her know one way or the other it isn't acceptable to me. In this case I just wanted to be the nice guy. And you're right. It's my job to set up dates and show her a good time. She wasn't available to let me do that. Just move on is great advice. I'm just scared that she is going to end up calling me and talking. Not likely because she misses me or is interested but they always seem to come back to see if you're still breathing to finish you off. I called her bluff and brought the deer right underneath the stand for her. I hope she respects that and moves on herself. Edited November 14, 2010 by zig
dispatch3d Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 alright sanskirt, if you haven't been flaked on in 3 years that's pretty damn impressive. So, say you know girl y and you have both her number and are pretty sure she likes you. How do you go about asking her out such that she doesn't say yes then only to flake later? I actually detected a flake several days ago before it even happened. I facebooked some girl who was earlier saying we never see each other that me+my friends were going to some movie if she wanted to join, she posted back on my wall "oooo when?". At that moment I was like damn it I think she's deifnitely flaking. It was a couple days inbetween when I invited her and when she gave the oooo when message. I almost think I should have acted like I didn't see it... Anyhow, suggestions? That particular girl just happens to be on my facebook, I barely see irl, and I never got her number. She wanted to dance with me at the bar one night as well....... ie. to be more clear, I'd like to know what you do to ask out a girl if you have both her number, and talked to her for 15 mins, or if it's similar to the situation above (which is rare).
BobSacamento Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 congrats. You're now the bad guy. I'm sure she planned it that way. LOL! Yeah she played him pretty well.
sanskrit Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 alright sanskirt, if you haven't been flaked on in 3 years that's pretty damn impressive. First, full disclosure, I haven't dated in just over a year due to working on personal and career goals. So there haven't been any flake chances in the last year of my choice. Second, when I start up a dating period these days, I go online first and get that working, then go around to all the prospects in day to day life who have caught my eye during the downtime and feel them out for dating interest. Must be luck, but I have had 0 flakes from online, and have dated 25-30 women from online. Did have one online woman who cancelled a date the day of due to feeling ill, but begged me to see her two nights later. I had narrowed down to two or three at that point, so declined her invitation because things were becoming too hectic as it was at the time. I don't really count when they apologize all over themselves and beg you for a specific reschedule as a flake. One thing I do is note that I am wanting to date in my profile, not get into long exchanges with other members of the site. This seems to resonate with the types of women I am mailing who like that kind of assertiveness. I even have the line "be ready to go out and have some fun" in my profile. Another thing I do is ask out for weeknights on early dates. Keeps my weekends free and theirs too early on before getting to know each other. I often have social plans on the weekends and don't know if they are worthy of my weekend plans yet, and surely vice versa. Another thing is be very specific about the date, "would you like to meet me at 7PM on Wednesday at X for Y?" Since there has been very little contact, it sends a message that I'm serious about dating and if they do want to go out, this is the chance to. Another thing is to find out their general geography and make plans relatively near them, also find out some places they like to go on the phone call and if I want to go to one of those places, suggest we meet there. Comfort and security cuts down on flake factor for women online dating it seems. I never have early dates where she is going to need to travel a long distance to meet. I don't have any heavy stigma about a date, it's just a damn date, and I think they can tell this. There is no veiled insinuation of an instant relationship when I ask out, just a simple, fun date. They seem to like this. The local, traditionally met women usually know me through friends, etc., so have almost never had one of those flake. Sorry, there's not much magic to it, but hope this helps.
dispatch3d Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I honestly do very little of what you wrote, so thanks man, hopefully that helps.
BS76 Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 She's not interested. I wouldn't stop talking to her but I would stop initiating contact and suggesting dates. Just let it go and see if she comes your way. This is pretty solid advice. Chasing her will just lower your perceived value and make you look needy/wussy. What have you done to make her invested in building a relationship with you?
sanskrit Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I don't believe you have actually lived what you wrote here. I think you are just trying to project a positive influence, in the form of a story, to the people reading it. Nothing wrong with giving pep talks, but that's all I think it is. I have no reason to lie, and needn't have disclosed that I haven't been in a relationship in over a year of my choice if the objective was a pep talk. Other than the obvious joke posts I make on here from time to time, everything I post is accurate. The post you accuse of being a lie is 100% accurate and reflective of how I carry on dating.
phillyfan Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Been talking to this girl for about a month. We've been on two dates in the first week. Everything thing has gone wonderful and we get along great. We text, talk on the phone, and chat online. Not everyday, but we keep in touch if you get my drift. Please someone help. It's almost three weeks now and this girl can't find it in herself to set up a date and keep it. She's canceled over three times and is totally inept to keeping a commitment with me. Everything else about her is wonderful but finding time for me obviously isn't her priority. She works full time and is also going to school so I understand she is busy but is anyone really THAT busy?? Three WEEKS and she can't see me? Now what do I do? I'm getting tired to the point where I feel it's a freaking burden for her to see me. She always says how much she likes me and wants to get together but it just isn't happening. I get the honey's and sweeties bla bla bla. We are both in our 30's and I understand that things might go slow and I should just be patient and so forth but seriously? My question is: Am I being a complete idiot about this? What do I do? I don't feel like I can just break it off because as far as I'm concerned we are both in the "getting to know each other stage". But if she can't see me then how can we get to know each other? I know everyone will tell me to launch. I understand that but my question is what is the right way to go about this?? Do I just avoid contact or talk to her and tell her how I feel? Gosh, I hate "the talk" early on in a relationship because it hasn't been earned. DUDE CUT HER OFF. And Make DAM sure she sees u movin on. Take it from me, I dated a LOT of girls and playd those games so long...sad but she is one of those girls that likes hard to get, u are upfront, she dosnt like it, she is probly chasin a douche in the meantime.
phillyfan Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I don't believe you have actually lived what you wrote here. I think you are just trying to project a positive influence, in the form of a story, to the people reading it. Nothing wrong with giving pep talks, but that's all I think it is. Weird comment - his post was pretty ordinary why wouldnt you belive it?
Recommended Posts