maravilla Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I can't say I do feel better right at this moment, unfortunately. I did feel slightly better on friday evening, when he'd sent me an email and I'd managed not to reply to it, but by Saturday afternoon I was feeling crap again. The whole of Saturday was really miserable for me, Sunday was a tiny bit better in the afternoon, but then today has been really hard again, anger, sadness, bitter feelings, hope that there'll be some massive change, dissapointment cos I know there won't be... Part of my problem is I ended a very long term relationship before/during this affair, lost a lot of friends, have had my household expenses pretty much doubled cos I'm living alone, was so reliant on MM as my only support throughout and after this that now I find myself totally alone and having to start all over again, even with the most basics of a social life. The loneliness and lack of any other support to fall back on at this time makes it especially hard. And make me feel especially bitter that he's still got everything he had just as it was before I came along. I just want to say that this is me -- I gave up a lot for MM and I feel like I'm rebuilding my life from scratch. Which can be sad and lonely at times but can also be empowering. I try to focus on living the best life I can, all on my own, and feeling strong that I don't need MM or any other guy really. That helps me so hopefully it helps you too. And I can honestly say that it's been better for me to be NC than be in the A. Overall emotionally it's much better and even though there are rough patches I know that long-term it'll be the very best thing for me.
Author 4321sn Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 I want to see him tomorrow... So badly. Then I think of what newpriorities said about if he even leaves it will be such a long process... I don't want to want to see him...we haven't seen each other in 3 weeks...it would be like little headstart to NC... Idk I hate this
Author 4321sn Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 "I just want to say that this is me -- I gave up a lot for MM and I feel like I'm rebuilding my life from scratch. Which can be sad and lonely at times but can also be empowering. I try to focus on living the best life I can, all on my own, and feeling strong that I don't need MM or any other guy really. That helps me so hopefully it helps you too. And I can honestly say that it's been better for me to be NC than be in the A. Overall emotionally it's much better and even though there are rough patches I know that long-term it'll be the very best thing for me." This is so helpful for me to read... I need to do this. I KNOW that MM loves me. I know thar his marriage is over and he will leave eventually. I just don't know if I can stand getting stuck in the daily anxiety and drama.. If I break away now I have a chance to feel better by Christmas...
Author 4321sn Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 "Just like he will know when he's truly done with his M, you will simply know when you're truly done with the A. I don't think anyone can rush either parties to that point. You're ready when you're ready. It has to come from within. You can, however, speed up that process through introspection." This makes sense...guess that is the bottom line.
myname Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Myname- the friends you lost after your breakup from the previous relationship-Can you reach out and reconnect with these people? Does anyone know about the A and what you are going through? Many of my friends know. When I went NC my one friend checked on me hourly-all through the night the first two nights. It helps to have support. But then I think that if I can't end it will all of this support then how will I ever? I am trying to reach out and reconnect with some friends, it's a long slow process, half of my friends were more my exe's friends though so they're not really available to me anymore. And some of my friends don't even know that I'm not with my ex anymore, that's how isolated I've made myself through all this. I always had MM to talk to, to see and I so stupidly allowed my thoughts and actions to revolve around him. Two of my friends know about MM, but they don't know it's over, I'm really bad at reaching out to people right now. I feel a lot of shame and that makes it hard to want to talk to people or let them know what I'm going through.
myname Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I just want to say that this is me -- I gave up a lot for MM and I feel like I'm rebuilding my life from scratch. Which can be sad and lonely at times but can also be empowering. I try to focus on living the best life I can, all on my own, and feeling strong that I don't need MM or any other guy really. That helps me so hopefully it helps you too. And I can honestly say that it's been better for me to be NC than be in the A. Overall emotionally it's much better and even though there are rough patches I know that long-term it'll be the very best thing for me. I'm glad to hear that you are able to feel alright, and are getting better and stronger. How long have you been no contact? I'm not even a week yet, and I feel totally destroyed. I hope I can start to see things the way you do soon.
maravilla Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I'm glad to hear that you are able to feel alright, and are getting better and stronger. How long have you been no contact? I'm not even a week yet, and I feel totally destroyed. I hope I can start to see things the way you do soon. Well, I have only been re-NC (ha ha) for three days. I went NC thirteen days ago but after one week MM contacted me and I gave in and we started it all back up again. During that first week, I was okay for a few days, but then the weekend came and I was pretty depressed and miserable and sad and lonely. So I think when MM contacted me that next Tuesday, I was desperate to know he was still thinking of me and missing me etc. And, even though I went back on what I knew I wanted, I feel it ended up being for the best because I saw why I had gone NC and how breaking it ended up hurting me more than helping me. Nothing had changed with MM, it was the same song and dance except even more of a show this time because he realized he was at the 'do or die' point and he was trying to make it look like he was choosing to 'do' instead of 'die', when really he was still fence-sitting and waffling as usual. He also claims his wife really suspected us at that time and that he finally re-confessed the affair to her (she knew about the initial affair but supposedly thought it was over after D-Day, even though he moved out?). I don't know if he told me this because he was planning to tell her (in the past he would say he did something, and then do it, and later I would realize he was testing the waters, or something), or because he did tell her (I just can't believe that LOL) or because he had to tell her because she had too much evidence and then he felt bad and wanted to win her back, or to re-kindle my guilt and make me break off form him again... I just don't know but that was a deciding factor for us in re-going NC. He essentially forced NC back on us by making it seem like my idea when it was his... what a wimp. But it all showed me that he was still on that same path to nowhere or if anything headed back to her (although he still claimed to his last breath that he's filing for divorce after Thanksgiving, but all the way his actions indicated he was going back home or playing the field or something was way off.) Anyway for me that break in NC gave me closure, my own closure because I realized he was never going to be able to give that to me, and we went back to NC after a few days of talking and one time of seeing each other which I really really regret, so NC started again on Friday. This time the weekend was not very hard at all - I felt empowered and distracted by plans I'd made with friends and focusing on work I needed to catch up on, etc. So that's a good step although I wonder if it's because it hasn't been that long since I talked to him and the last weekend when I was really miserable, it had been a few days longer I had gone without talking to him. I guess time will tell how I feel. I'm kind of surprised at how strong and free I've been feeling, but I realize it may swing back around to misery. No matter what happens with my heart, my brain is determined to listen to my gut and stay far away from him. I blocked his number and that made me feel like I was taking a proactive step and taking back some control. It made it feel like it was really over for good this time, even though of course he has other ways of getting ahold of me, that was our big one. Sorry for rambling so much, I too hope you get to this place of peace and strength that I've been feeling and that I hope to continue to feel. I really think it gets better with time as long as you stay NC and don't backslide. But for me backsliding kind of helped in a way, not that I advise it, but, it's what I ended up doing and at least it's worked so far. Good luck and stay strong!
maravilla Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 Myname -- I wanted to add that even when I was having the black hole feeling of misery from not being to talk to MM, I still believe that overall it has been better since I decided to go NC than before when I was in the affair, for the simple reason that this is my decision, it's only about me, not him, and it helps me feel like I have re-gained control of my life and I can focus on my future instead of the messy past with him and my constantly-dissatisfied present. I hope this helps. I think if you look at the swings you might notice that right now are some big downs but overall it feels better than slowly bleeding dry wanting something you cannot have.
MorningCoffee Posted November 15, 2010 Posted November 15, 2010 I am trying to reach out and reconnect with some friends, it's a long slow process, half of my friends were more my exe's friends though so they're not really available to me anymore. And some of my friends don't even know that I'm not with my ex anymore, that's how isolated I've made myself through all this. I always had MM to talk to, to see and I so stupidly allowed my thoughts and actions to revolve around him. Two of my friends know about MM, but they don't know it's over, I'm really bad at reaching out to people right now. I feel a lot of shame and that makes it hard to want to talk to people or let them know what I'm going through. Sorry for what you are going through. Just wanted to chime in here. I kept the fact of my affair a total secret from everyone who knew me, except my counselor, for nearly the entire duration of it. Right before D-Day, I let on to two close female friends what I was involved in without revealing the ID of the MW or how we met or any of that. I still felt shame for what I had been doing, and was in total turmoil, but these friends were just concerned for me, and were helpful without judging me (or her, for that matter). Once her D-Day happened and we stopped seeing each other, these friends gave me all the support I asked for as I grieved. And I mean, grieved. And even when I slipped and broke NC, they didn't judge me, just listened and offered thoughts if I asked, just quiet support if I didn't. So I would encourage you -- a real friend will support you all the way without judgment. Just avoid any who are not good at keeping confidences. That was really critical in who I chose to talk with. And it really did help me to have those friends to listen and give me their perspectives. (And of course, keep posting here, as LS is a phenomenal helpful resource.) Best wishes.
Author 4321sn Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 "So I would encourage you -- a real friend will support you all the way without judgment. Just avoid any who are not good at keeping confidences. That was really critical in who I chose to talk with. And it really did help me to have those friends to listen and give me their perspectives. (And of course, keep posting here, as LS is a phenomenal helpful resource.)" YES!!! I agree 100%! I confessed to my friend who is very very religious, and she didn't judge me at all. Infact she has been my biggest support through this whole ordeal. I can call her anytime...I have stopped at her house in tears more times than I want to admit. She checks in me daily. Makes me go on walks with her and our dogs. She has really come through for me. We can support u here but somtimes you need a real life friend to distract you. Sometimes you need a hug...
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