Low Contact

[4321sn]

I was NC for several days. MM and I were not doing well. Constantly anxious, fighting, crying, draining each other. He's in the process of ending his marriage. Not speaking him gave me a much needed break from the daily turmoil.

 

We started speaking again...first was supposed to be once a week to check in and see where he is...then every 3 days...it has quickly turned back to everyday several times plus texting.

 

The more we talk the more anxious I feel. The more we communicate the more I wonder what he is doing...I begin to become way too concerned with what is happening with them.

 

I felt better when we stepped away but I did miss him. He is now taking steps towards divorce. He is very depressed. When we talk he sounds horrible. So I need to find a balance of being there to support him and taking care of myself and doing what is healthiest for me.

 

Any luck with LC or does it make things more difficult?

Just trying my best to navigate through this...

Thank you

[East7]

If you are fed up with the A, it is understandable that it becomes more tense. On one side he must feel under pressure and on the other, you are eager that he moves out of the M, so you are both fueling the anxiety.

 

You should let him deal with the D by his own, no need to interfere for any kind of support. You don't need to be reported about his D, it might cause you more anxiety. IMO the LC and keeping distance is better until he take final actions.

[maravilla]

I tried LC and it didn't work for me because the relationship between MM and myself was very all-consuming. It was kind of like a drug that sucked everything else out of me except 'love' for MM. He was not okay with LC and honestly neither was I because both of us wanted more and couldn't stay away from each other.

 

I'm sure it could work for some people but it definitely didn't work for us. NC was the only way I could focus on myself instead of letting myself be eaten up with thoughts about what MM was doing and when.

 

Good luck.

[4321sn]

We are both so tired of this. East7 you are correct...

Once we started talking again he said this "It wasn't us ... It was bad for both of as individuals that was killing us... We needed to step away to allow you and I to take care of what we each need to do..."

 

We were talking way too much- several times a day. We were both always sad and exhausted. Each conversation ended up with me crying and him feeling terrible as well. So we have limits now.

 

I wish I could do NC...I wish that I could move on for now until he is out of the house and officially divorced. As is stands now, nobody knows about us so even if he leaves right now it will be at least 6 months before we have even a slightly normal dating relationship.

 

So we now have contact with limits. No more texting all day. No more talking 3-4 times a day...

 

We will take it week by week....

[East7]

We are both so tired of this. East7 you are correct...

Once we started talking again he said this "It wasn't us ... It was bad for both of as individuals that was killing us... We needed to step away to allow you and I to take care of what we each need to do..."

 

We were talking way too much- several times a day. We were both always sad and exhausted. Each conversation ended up with me crying and him feeling terrible as well. So we have limits now.

 

 

There is always a "bitter period" in the end of an affair. An A starts all bliss and wonderful, but then when reality kicks your face, and frustrations become bigger and it leads to sadness and conflict. It has all been that before my MW and I broke and went NC, she was sad not being able to leave her H and cried on phone, I was sad that I couldn't be with her, all our conversations were sad and argumenting, we got really tired of this, so we said better go NC and fix each-other's life.

Better keep LC, keep the distance and try to focus on yourself, your own problems, it's much more healthy than talking everyday.

[siuys]

I also find LC doesn't work. It often works for a very short time and then you're back to square one. I find the more I saw xMM, the more I got anxious, the more it affected my life in a bad way. At the end of the day, it's still an affair, however you want to define it. Being with someone unavailable creates all sorts of issues and stress that you wouldn't normally have with someone available. More pain than joy definitely.

[lovingagain]

I tried LC and it didn't work for me because the relationship between MM and myself was very all-consuming. It was kind of like a drug that sucked everything else out of me except 'love' for MM. He was not okay with LC and honestly neither was I because both of us wanted more and couldn't stay away from each other.

 

I'm sure it could work for some people but it definitely didn't work for us. NC was the only way I could focus on myself instead of letting myself be eaten up with thoughts about what MM was doing and when.

 

Good luck.

 

I am right with you here, exactly the same, so happy together, so unhappy apart. Wait while something big happens and you can't talk to MM. That is the worst. Like when someone dies or you are really upset and then you cannot phone them because it is Sunday, that is when it really hits you.

[myname]

I am right with you here, exactly the same, so happy together, so unhappy apart. Wait while something big happens and you can't talk to MM. That is the worst. Like when someone dies or you are really upset and then you cannot phone them because it is Sunday, that is when it really hits you.

 

Yeah, I had that one a couple of months ago, found out my grandmother had died, in the evening, so of course his phone was off. I got an email response from him and I was probably grateful for that at the time, feeling too bitter right now to remember. The tears I cried over that all on my own with no one to hug me or support me, while he was probably sitting at home watching tele while his wife cooked his supper.

 

And even when nothing big's happenned, just never knowing, is he sorting things out with his wife, has she found him out again, over and over, wondering, worrying.

[maravilla]

I am right with you here, exactly the same, so happy together, so unhappy apart. Wait while something big happens and you can't talk to MM. That is the worst. Like when someone dies or you are really upset and then you cannot phone them because it is Sunday, that is when it really hits you.

 

That's why I just walked away, because I would rather have none of him than not have all of him. It didn't feel right to be in that kind of quasi-relationship. Now if something bad happens (admittedly no one has died since I went NC with MM, but there have been a lot of things that have happened, good and bad, that I wish I could contact him about and have his support for), I tell myself I have other people to turn to who really only have my best interests at heart, and aren't selfish and waffling. My family, my friends, even my pets ha ha make me feel better long-term than MM does because they are steady and always available and consistently looking out for my very best interest.

[4321sn]

It's so difficult...sometimes I think about it. How did I end up here in this mess. I think of the reality of it. A year and a half...

 

I know that NC hurts less than contact. I do better not worrying about when we will talk when we will see each other..

 

We are going to see each other tomorrow after 3 weeks. Stupid...

[maravilla]

Ok so based on your last post can I gently ask why, if you know that NC is better for you than LC, you still have LC?

 

My friend told me to rip off the bandaid and move on with one big hurt instead of a lot of little small hurts that actually last a lot longer and scar deeper. Just some food for thought. Best wishes.

[newpriorities]

It's so difficult...sometimes I think about it. How did I end up here in this mess. I think of the reality of it. A year and a half...

 

I know that NC hurts less than contact. I do better not worrying about when we will talk when we will see each other..

 

We are going to see each other tomorrow after 3 weeks. Stupid...[/QUOTE]

 

Why? Why are you putting yourself through this? I know that is an impossible question to answer....remember the lifeguard analogy I gave you? Think about what it is that you hope to gain out of meeting tomorrow? Is it worth it? Take care of YOU

[4321sn]

I think I'm seeing him for a lot of reasons.

Because I miss him. I love him. We were fighting and crying so much I want us to have a nice time together. Idk maybe to keep me in his head.

 

He says I never leave his mind. When we stopped talking he thought of me constantly. Missed me. Yesterday I asked him where he was in all of this. He said he's mourning the loss of his family. Not her. She is an adult and she will be okay. He said

 

I am moving through this stage... I want to make things work between you and me... Us

 

They moved to the area two years ago. The marriage was so bad that they never socialized and made friends. He doesn't have anyone to talk to except his sister. I want to be there for him, yet sometimes I get so upset with him.

 

So both NC and C are terrible. In NC I miss him and wonder how long it will take for him to resolve things. In C I am always anxious. Trying to be supporive and pushing my needs aside while he works through things at his own pace.

 

I wish I was stronger. I am tortured...

[4321sn]

What is wrong with me? How are you able to stick with NC? I read your threads and I wish I was stronger like some of you. I feel like I am in jail, trapped.

 

I guess I am not ready..

Sometimes I feel like a fool.

[newpriorities]

What is wrong with me? How are you able to stick with NC? I read your threads and I wish I was stronger like some of you. I feel like I am in jail, trapped.

 

I guess I am not ready..

Sometimes I feel like a fool.

 

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you! I've been at this for 3 years so I would hardly call myself strong! Plus, my xMM has not said anything to me about missing me etc. He used to tell me that he thought about me all the time on weekends, that I was always on his mind, but his actions always said otherwise (no texts, no calls, no emails, nothing) so that helps me. In your case, it is so much more painful.

You are not a fool--you are in pain and that can make someone feel foolish. You can look at your situation objectively and know what the rational thing to do is, but actually doing it is an entirely different matter.

We all get to where we need to be in our own time--you will too. I just think it is so important that you not lose yourself in this. He too is an adult and needs to be able to take care of himself.

Keep posting and taking care!

[myname]

What is wrong with me? How are you able to stick with NC? I read your threads and I wish I was stronger like some of you. I feel like I am in jail, trapped.

 

I guess I am not ready..

Sometimes I feel like a fool.

 

There's nothing wrong with you. It's just very hard, and you have more reasons than some to think there is a point to contact, at least he does appear to be doing somethings to change the situation.

 

With me, MM couldn't decide a single thing, and obviously wasn't going to change a single thing unless either I or his wife did something. Now his wife found out about us a few times over the past year or so, everytime regardless of threats and rows and last chances she didn't want them to split up. So even if I had wanted to be his default go to girl when she'd chucked him out (which I really didn't), she was never going to do that. And no matter how much I pushed him to decide for himself he was never going to. I offered to be supportive of him if he needed that to make changes, and yeah he was grateful, wanted all my support, but still couldn't quite sort himself out to actually do anything. I even suggested to him that what he really wanted was to keep his marriage, house etc everything that came with being married intact, but wanted to see me on the side, and at this time I thought (in total sad desperation) that maybe I would be able to deal with that, at least to know where I stood, but no he insisted he didn't want that, but still that's what his actions showed.

 

But still with all this I was unable to properly instigate no contact. It took having last weekend with him, when his wife was away. And one evening I got frustrated and cross and told him it couldn't go on like this, he actually got quite cross back with me and I almost left, but he stopped me (with his loving lies), then the next day I lost it again and left to go home, he came down the road after me and once again I relented, then the next morning I woke in tears and he sat through breakfast watching me cry before I had to go off to work. He phoned me later and I said I couldn't take it anymore.

 

Since then I've struggled with wanting to contact, but everytime I think of myself crying and how he couldn't do anything to make it better.

[maravilla]

There's nothing wrong with you, this is just a really hard situation.

 

Like myname said, my MM wouldn't do anything unless his wife or I made him do it. This is no way to have a relationship! Honestly I don't think MMs leave unless they are good and ready on their own timing and their own terms (or else there is a lot of resentment). There is nothing we can do to make them leave and in fact I would think going NC would do the trick if anything, because then they realize what they're missing. But the ironic thing is you have to be at the point to totally let go, and if you are like me you start to think of all the negatives and be strong on your own, and then if he does come back free and single (Disclaimer: I have rarely heard of this happening ) then you may not want him because you've realized you deserve better and he's a lost soul.

 

I don't think that being in an affair (on either end) is healthy and it is especially harmful to an OW who wants more and is promised more because the MM is having his cake and eating it too while the OW really feels like she is being eaten up bit by bit! So I think the key is just to decide you ready to be healthy and you don't need MM. I know that is easier said than done but you will get there. Just the fact that you're thinking about these things and you want to break free shows you have it in you. HUGS!

[4321sn]

"But still with all this I was unable to properly instigate no contact. It took having last weekend with him, when his wife was away. And one evening I got frustrated and cross and told him it couldn't go on like this, he actually got quite cross back with me and I almost left, but he stopped me (with his loving lies), then the next day I lost it again and left to go home, he came down the road after me and once again I relented, then the next morning I woke in tears and he sat through breakfast watching me cry before I had to go off to work. He phoned me later and I said I couldn't take it anymore."

 

this sounds exactly like us

we have had almost that same scene..

reading what you wrote literally made me feel sick.

I WANT to break free

[4321sn]

"So I think the key is just to decide you ready to be healthy and you don't need MM. I know that is easier said than done but you will get there. Just the fact that you're thinking about these things and you want to break free shows you have it in you. HUGS!"

 

I do want to get better...I am sick. I know this.

He and I both are. He can't just pick up and leave her and I can't just pick up and leave him. He can't leave me either even though he tries. It's a sickness...

[myname]

"But still with all this I was unable to properly instigate no contact. It took having last weekend with him, when his wife was away. And one evening I got frustrated and cross and told him it couldn't go on like this, he actually got quite cross back with me and I almost left, but he stopped me (with his loving lies), then the next day I lost it again and left to go home, he came down the road after me and once again I relented, then the next morning I woke in tears and he sat through breakfast watching me cry before I had to go off to work. He phoned me later and I said I couldn't take it anymore."

 

this sounds exactly like us

we have had almost that same scene..

reading what you wrote literally made me feel sick.

I WANT to break free

 

oh, I'm sorry, I know the feeling, I feel sick reading over what I wrote. So hurt by it all and am absolutely not over him, and still looking at my phone and email all the time even though I said don't contact me. Still longing for him to get in touch. Still wondering if there was something else I could've done.

Hugs to you, it's a horrible place to be, I don't know how long it's going to take to get over it and feel better.

[4321sn]

Myname, do you feel better now that when you were in the A?

Even though my NC only lasted 5 days by day 3 I actually felt good...

Then I got angry on day 5.

I thought how could he do this to me???

 

When it got uncomfortable I caved. I guess I just need to feel the emotions and not try to depend on him to make me feel better

[East7]

There's nothing wrong with you, this is just a really hard situation.

 

Honestly I don't think MMs leave unless they are good and ready on their own timing and their own terms (or else there is a lot of resentment). There is nothing we can do to make them leave and in fact I would think going NC would do the trick if anything, because then they realize what they're missing. But the ironic thing is you have to be at the point to totally let go, and if you are like me you start to think of all the negatives and be strong on your own, and then if he does come back free and single (Disclaimer: I have rarely heard of this happening ) then you may not want him because you've realized you deserve better and he's a lost soul.

 

Totally agree. They don't leave for the AP, except VERY rare cases, they leave when they WANT to leave with their own will. It is completely useless and time-wasting to be nervous and live with the anxiety of it.

Even if there is a D, it is a long process, never happens overnight, and often they are full of guilt and undecided for a long while which take 1 year or more before being ready for a new relationship.

Waiting is a very risky investment, you have no guarantee and even if (happy ending) he comes to you not sure you will have the same feelings and mindset, sometimes waiting and pain are love-killers. You grow tired and resentful.

NC is for you, to get you out of the jail, to see that there are zillions of other wonderful men which are at least as smart, nice and handsome that the MM and at the top of that are available for you.

[myname]

Myname, do you feel better now that when you were in the A?

Even though my NC only lasted 5 days by day 3 I actually felt good...

Then I got angry on day 5.

I thought how could he do this to me???

 

When it got uncomfortable I caved. I guess I just need to feel the emotions and not try to depend on him to make me feel better

 

I can't say I do feel better right at this moment, unfortunately.

 

I did feel slightly better on friday evening, when he'd sent me an email and I'd managed not to reply to it, but by Saturday afternoon I was feeling crap again. The whole of Saturday was really miserable for me, Sunday was a tiny bit better in the afternoon, but then today has been really hard again, anger, sadness, bitter feelings, hope that there'll be some massive change, dissapointment cos I know there won't be...

 

Part of my problem is I ended a very long term relationship before/during this affair, lost a lot of friends, have had my household expenses pretty much doubled cos I'm living alone, was so reliant on MM as my only support throughout and after this that now I find myself totally alone and having to start all over again, even with the most basics of a social life. The loneliness and lack of any other support to fall back on at this time makes it especially hard. And make me feel especially bitter that he's still got everything he had just as it was before I came along.

[endlessness]

What is wrong with me? How are you able to stick with NC? I read your threads and I wish I was stronger like some of you. I feel like I am in jail, trapped.

 

I guess I am not ready..

Sometimes I feel like a fool.

 

I was in absolute agony too, totally unable to let go. I was ashamed of my weakness. I knew I was sick, addicted, possessed almost. I couldn't sleep at night. Even thoughts of suicide started creeping in. I knew I was at the rock bottom and so I made a conscious effort to sift through my emotional baggage, with my MM still on the backburner at the time. I read self-help books, started attending meditation classes, and then one morning I woke up and knew exactly what I needed to do. There was no doubt in my mind. And I had no regret once I ended it.

 

Of course, it was extremely tough, mostly because the silence seemed forced and unnatural; so, four weeks in, I did break NC. But, if anything, that slip up only clarified the dysfunction that was 'us' and strengthened my determination to move forward with my life.

 

Just like he will know when he's truly done with his M, you will simply know when you're truly done with the A. I don't think anyone can rush either parties to that point. You're ready when you're ready. It has to come from within. You can, however, speed up that process through introspection.

 

I suggest try to focus on you and what you want out of your life, independent of him. And when you have a clear picture, carefully look at what you are actually getting out of the A. Though I was still thinking emotionally when I pursued a second round of NC, I let the facts speak for themselves and made my decision based on those facts. And then one day, the fog finally lifted and I was truly mortified by what I was willing to settle for in the A. I finally got it. And that was all the closure I needed. There was no exclamation mark at the end. I simply realized that this story was leading nowhere and quietly turned the page.

 

Believe me, if I managed to get to this stage, anyone can. I was a totally hopeless mess.

[4321sn]

Myname- the friends you lost after your breakup from the previous relationship-Can you reach out and reconnect with these people? Does anyone know about the A and what you are going through?

 

Many of my friends know. When I went NC my one friend checked on me hourly-all through the night the first two nights. It helps to have support.

 

But then I think that if I can't end it will all of this support then how will I ever?