Frylock41 Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Hey everyone, I've posted here before but I lost my username so I have a new one...I need some advice pretty badly. This is going to be a bit long, so try to stick with me. Here's my deal: I've been dating a girl, M, for four years. We met at summer camp as 16 year olds in 2003 and started dating when we were both staff members at the same camp in 2006. We consider ourselves best friends, lovers, and we also are in a band together. Our band does decently--we're not famous but we're not completely unknown our city. This past summer, M and I worked at the old summer camp that we met at again. This time, things took a bit of a turn as M announced to me at the beginning of the summer that she wanted to try seeing other people throughout the summer, since I am the only person she has ever slept with (although she has a pretty extensive list of people she's had various degrees of non-intercourse sexual activity with AKA she has hooked up with way more people than I have). I had slept with another girl before her, bringing me to the prodigious number of two girls. I tentatively went ahead with this plan and ended up having a miserable summer, however I understood that it would be worse in the long run for M to live with regrets then to just "get it out of my system" as she put it. My friends encouraged me to do the same but I just didn't feel the desire. Now, during the summer, M hooked up with a guy and I got upset, but after that ended, she moved on to a good friend of ours named S. This seemed malicious to me and it essentially splintered our group of friends. To make matters worse, the reason that M claims to have slept with S is that they essentially bonded over a shared history of depression throughout their lives and understand each other in some bizarre self destructive way. Needless to say, they both hated the sex--in fact, I'm sad to know and report that neither party was able to stay, uh, into it for more than a few minutes. It sounds ****ing horrible to me. It happened once and then M decided she had enough and wanted to be with only me again. I nervously accepted this, only to be ****ed over at the end of the summer when she made out with S again in a car and essentially tried not to tell me. That simply qualifies as cheating. Sucker that I am, I put that behind me as best I could and mistakenly moved into an apartment with M (I realize I look like a ****ing idiot when I write this out like this)...we were so set on this apartment and it just seemed impossible at the time to back out. Anyways, things were generally okay although things never quite seemed the way they used to...then, last week M took a trip to another city to visit friends from back in college. Of course, S lives in this city and while M claims it was completely unplanned, M ended up at his house and they attempted and failed to sleep together again. I found out about this pretty quickly (she didn't try to hide it)...I was upset at first but somehow decided that I wanted to help M get the help she needed. I told her that her depression (she has a family history) was officially becoming self destructive and that I could only continue to try to make things worse if she got professional help, which she's shunned in the past. She agreed. Now at this point, I was wondering about the state of our band...the band is a three piece rock band but we're very much built on the relationship between M and I. Right about the time of the third incident with S & M (haha that was unintentional but awesome), I got an offer from some old friends. Their band, which is based in the same city and is doing REALLY well right now, had their drummer quit and needed a replacement for their upcoming European tour in December. They asked me if I would learn the songs and commit to the tour and the recording of their second album after said tour. It would be a lot of work and definitely cut into my time that I spent with the band that M and I have, however, I said yes because I felt somewhat abandoned by M. This upset her greatly and we decided we needed to take a break, or "relationship diet" as she termed it. We wouldn't break up per say but we would not stay in the same bed and we would spend time doing our own thing; me playing with this new band and her learning to deal with her depression and remaking friends she had ignored somewhat as my life got more intertwined with hers. The problem is, she was very bitter that I joined this new band and had pretty strong feelings of abandonment. So in my mind, the break is because she cheated on me and in her mind it's because I abandoned her for another band, even though both bands would be able to co-exist. It's a whole lot of bull**** I know; my question is this: we both still feel (I know I do and she swears it and I think I know when she's lying) that we love each other. Despite it all, we still see a future with each other. Neither of us has ever connected this deeply with someone else...however, things don't seem so good in the present. What's the best course of action? I've spent the last week sleeping on couches and she's going to do the same next week--am I best off seeing as little of her as possible to make her miss me or is that totally juvenille? I've been swinging back and forth between feeling fine and feeling terrible and honestly I FEEL like I'm going through a break up. Is there any way to save this? Is it worth saving? Am I completely ****ing deluded? THANKS for any help and opinions...
cherub-rock Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 It does sound like you really love her. And she you. But it does seem, to be brutally honest, that she is looking for a better offer. Or at the very least, something new and exciting. I guess what I would be looking at why my partner would be doing this and why I was staying with them. Have you given her the permission to do this, even if it is out of devotion? Personally, I would say: join the band. Seems a bit hypocritical for her to be talking about abandonment issues (even though some people with depression and abandonment issues could subconciously try and push others away as a 'test') considering you have become a bit of the fall back guy. Just sayin. But only you can decide this. I get the impression you do wanna join this new band but feel massive guilt. If this is the case, you only owe to yourself at this point. Be honest with her. And yourself. I hope this is useful. It isnt meant to make you feel bad. I have had low self esteem before and put up with all kinds of **** in a relationship. It sucks.
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