fiat500 Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 (edited) My boyfriend is away at college and we are both over the age of 22. his female professor who is very close to our age will talk to him from time to time on his wall. it wasn't really a big deal to me until recently. first let me tell you that it's totally cool for him to talk to and hang out with other females while he's away. i would hope that he'd learn something from each of them. like how to read women better. but his professor will sometimes leave him odd messages on his wall that really don't jive right with me. they have been something along the lines of "i will never make a mistake like that again! it was so hot in class today and difficult to concentrate, blah, blah, blah" and he'd respond with something like "ok, i forgive you :P" and she'd come back with "well at least everyone knows your name now because of me!" it's kind of...annoying to read? or am i being too sensitive? but i left it alone and never really said anything until yesterday. my boyfriend left some corny poem or song lyrics on his status that had something to do with waiting and seeing someone's face and his professor responds with "are you talking to me? :P" would anyone else find this irritating? or is it just me? i'd just like to know if i'm out of line here. i know she's kind of joking but joke or not, it's devastating to read a comment like that on your bf/gf's wall when it says right on their personal page that they're in a relationship? so of course i had to say something under her comment. i wrote "oh that's a really nice message. just remember to give her flowers before you tell her." so apparently i'm being immature and passive aggressive with my comment according to my boyfriend. because his teacher is "only joking." am i wrong? Edited November 12, 2010 by fiat500
Bryanp Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I am a college professor and this professor is just begging to be fired. She is a fool.
Sazerac Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I agree with BryanP. As a former college teacher (one long before Facebook was around), such comments would be grounds for investigation of harassment. The teacher is overstepping her position greatly with her overly personal comments, and your boyfriend is a damned fool--either that or he's gaslighting you. Too much smoke there to not find a fire...
Citizen Erased Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Why are they even facebook friends? She certainly sounds like she doesn't mind getting fired. She may be joking but she makes your uncomfortable. He could at least tell her to cut it out.
Author fiat500 Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 okay. that's what i thought. whenever i try to mention to him that his professor probably likes him he'll get defensive over it and claim that "you'd have to know her to understand that that's the way she is" and that she "only jokes" and i "take things too personally." this is really upsetting to me . i'm going to have to seriously consider dropping him.
Bryanp Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Let me put it this way. If the roles were reversed do you think he would be so accepting as you have been?
woinlove Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 okay. that's what i thought. whenever i try to mention to him that his professor probably likes him he'll get defensive over it and claim that "you'd have to know her to understand that that's the way she is" and that she "only jokes" and i "take things too personally." this is really upsetting to me . i'm going to have to seriously consider dropping him. You are not taking things too personally -- you care because you care about your bf and your relationship with him. I agree with others that the prof's comments are really inappropriate. It is even more maddening how your bf reacted, rather than caring about your feelings. That suggests he is already at least emotionally involved.
Author fiat500 Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 well he can have his professor if she's so awesome and great. because that's all he'll have. he will not be hearing from me again. this really infuriates me. i'm about to walk away and start no contact. he doesn't even deserve a proper breakup. she knows what she's doing and he's either really ignorant or already involved.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Totally inappropriate. I don't see your little side note as being really bad or anything either, certainly nothing to flip about.
Cee Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 If this professor wanted to get in his pants, she would call him or send him private messages. She lacks good judgement and boundaries by posting on his wall, which can be construed as harrassment. I'm going to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt and not think he's a cheater, but doesn't understand that this is inappropriate behavior. The BF with you can search her Facebook page and see if she has other classmates on him as FB friends. If you examine her FB history, maybe you can get some indication about the way she uses the site. For me, I would be bothered too that my BF lacks common sense to see that this is weird. Plus she is grading him so he may feel obligated to play nice on Facebook. He can set a boundary with her by unfriending her or setting the privacy so that she can't post to his wall. He could also have a private conversation with a Facebook savvy tenured professor at the university. The professor can give an informed perspective. You both can use this as a learning opportunity together, rather than a divisive, deal breaking conflict.
Author fiat500 Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 While i also feel that he hasn't cheated on me yet, the teacher is a very sensitive subject that i can't bring up at the moment. Whenever i try to bring her up he gets annoyed or will tell me that it's annoying that i take things too personally. THIS is the deal breaker for me. i need to be respected. He runs to his professor's defense all the time. he doesn't seem to understand respect in a relationship and doesn't quite get that he can flirt with his teacher all he wants if he's single. i don't need to be dragged through the mud if he has an infatuation with his teacher. he just CAN'T flirt with his teacher and be in a relationship with me at the same time. he's being a child about this.
Eeyore79 Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Call the school and tell them a professor is sexually harassing a student. Send them screenshots of the things she posted on your bf's FB page. She will most definitely lose her job, and she deserves it too.
Author fiat500 Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 (edited) hah. i can't do that. if my boyfriend wants to be with her then he's really not worth it to me. and he's an idiot. she's also the kind of professor that's liked by most guys because she's "cute" and "young" Edited November 13, 2010 by fiat500
dreamingoftigers Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 hah. i can't do that. if my boyfriend wants to be with her then he's really not worth it to me. and he's an idiot. she's also the kind of professor that's liked by most guys because she's "cute" and "young" It doesn't matter if he wants to be with her or not, she is messing about with her students in a post where she shouldn't. The fact that she has messed about with your relationship should just cinch why you should do it. I think you should try setting the boundary with him instead of just jettisoning him. Seems a little rash, she is the one flirting with him after all.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 It doesn't matter if he wants to be with her or not, she is messing about with her students in a post where she shouldn't. The fact that she has messed about with your relationship should just cinch why you should do it. I think you should try setting the boundary with him instead of just jettisoning him. Seems a little rash, she is the one flirting with him after all. Actually he doesn't even really seem interested in the flirting (beyond flattery perhaps). There is nothing suggestive in what he wrote back to her. Now THAT would be a problem. If you are in a hurry to drop this guy, just do it, but don't claim that this is your reasoning. There must be something else that isn't working for you.
Author fiat500 Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 here's the thing. he just replied to her. she's his japanese professor and he replied to her in that language. he's definitely flirting back because it's how he used to flirt with me. in his response he tells her that the lyrics are not for her but ones that are more suiting for her are along the lines of "when i hear your voice, i get angry" and he follows it by a wink. He's being a playful jerk and it's not cool. i'm not in a hurry to drop him but crap like this really hurts me and i really don't know how to approach it.
climbergirl Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 You know, I have never considered adding one of my professors as a FB friend and I'm even careful to not mention anything (unless it's completely benign) about my classes or instructors on FB just in case they come across my FB page. So I am shocked that your bf's professor is not practicing professional boundaries with her students. Is this common now? However, your boyfriend is stuck. Deleting her might set her off, and may be reflected in his grade. Even not responding to her could influence his grade...it's bs that he would have to worry about that, but she's already proven herself to be unethical. All he can do now is keep his responses to her platonic. How long does he have this class with her? And no, OP, I don't think you are upset over nothing. The professor is wrong to be doing this and your bf is suspect if he sees nothing wrong with his professor crossing professional lines.
xpaperxcutx Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 There's being friendly, then there's being overtly " friendly". I find his behaviour unacceptable because despite your complaints he hasn't made the necessary steps to avoid another such situation. What they're doing is basically flirting. No matter how he may say it isn't serious, if I were you, I drop him like a hat.
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