HUGE Mistake: Declined 2nd Date and Regret It-Is There Any Good Way to Admit This?

[beyondhope]

Okay, so EVERYONE told me to decline a second date with this guy. They said to trust my gut instinct. But as soon as I declined the date, I started feeling like I'd made a huge mistake. We'd spoken online for over a month, went on one date. I didn't like how the date went and I thought I was doing the right thing, but I now I feel like I should have given him the benefit of the doubt and gone on that second date, then made my decision.

He had emailed to make sure we were still on for Saturday, and complemented me highly. I responded by complementing him about some of the positive things from our first date, then politely declined ("after some reflection, I have to decline"). Then I wished him best of luck in his education.

He replied saying he had to admit he was disappointed, but thanked me for being upfront.

SO IS THERE ANY WAY TO SAY "WHOOPS" and admit my mistake? Or is it too late? I feel like it might almost be rude to do this, but maybe not. We were really compatible but he said some things that scared me the first time around. I really want to give him another chance because he seemed like a fantastic guy up until we actually met, and I wonder if it was just nerves/too much emphasis on the wrong things...

[crosswordfiend]

Well, you could just call him up and say "whoops, I made a mistake..." This actually happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. The girl called him up the next day to change her mind about declining a second date. They are getting married in a couple of months.

[reservoirdog1]

Might be worth trying... what were the things he said on the date that "scared" you?

[beyondhope]

Well, you could just call him up and say "whoops, I made a mistake..." This actually happened to a friend of mine a few years ago. The girl called him up the next day to change her mind about declining a second date. They are getting married in a couple of months.

 

CWF,

Do you know if your friend's fiance gave a reason why she changed her mind? I'm wondering if it would be better to explain why there was hesitation, or just tell him I want to try again...or maybe make an excuse like, I was really swamped with work?

 

Also, do you imagine most guys would just be morbidly annoyed with a woman doing this? I know the last thing most men want is to be around a fickle woman (even if she was fickle for a good reason--he really put me off!)

[welikeincrowds]

Look, beyondhope.

 

This is called repression.

 

The trouble is, nearly all the men I've dated have had similar "red flags" and usually I just ignore the bad stuff until it's too late

You are not the first one to do this. We all done it. You feel the first discord and you start thinking about something else...

 

It's really tough for me, though, to walk away because I get so excited about new dates, and new possibilities.

...because you don't want to have to put an end to the hope, which is such a wonderful feeling.

 

But remember, beyondhope. That warm feeling of new possibilities came within you, and not from your interaction with creepy mother****er from OKCupid. You can hope about anyone if they have a good profile and a nice smile. With this guy, meanwhile, you spent one night with him and wanted to go home, and you also, however distantly, feared for your safety.

 

The real mistake here would be in denying your feelings toward this person. Again, the mistake we've all made. So far, you've done the right thing. I have no doubt that you'll find someone else to hope about, who won't be dragging your body out back in a month.

[xpaperxcutx]

If you turn the tables around, he could be the one turning you down next. But if you're not afraid of rejection, I don't see why you can't try? I would however avoid the usage of " WHoops " and go with a " On second thought, I really want to have a second date with you.... etc".

 

Don't make yourself too vulnerable in his eyes. That' my take on this.

[beyondhope]

Might be worth trying... what were the things he said on the date that "scared" you?

 

He said he lies sometimes to see if people will catch it...

He also said he had been called a sociopath a couple of times that day...

He also told me he hadn't spoken to his family in a couple of years.

 

All those things, yet he seemed like a legit person (steady job, prestigious education, etc) which is why I wonder if I just took these things a little too seriously; perhaps he was joking about the first two? And I know a lot of people who have various family issues...

 

Mostly we had a ton in common, and I can understand his weird comments because we're both highly intellectual and I know that sometimes intellectuals say really weird things that are supposed to be jokes but they just come across the wrong way...

[beyondhope]

 

The real mistake here would be in denying your feelings toward this person. Again, the mistake we've all made. So far, you've done the right thing. I have no doubt that you'll find someone else to hope about, who won't be dragging your body out back in a month.

 

I feel like you make a really strong, valid argument. Plus, I totally admit that were I a person standing outside of this situation it would be obvious just to forget about the guy and move on. But it's so rare that I even find someone who's on the same level, intellectually, as I am, that it scares me to think he was so compatible and I let him go.

 

Being "book smart" is like having a physical impairment that prevents you from being seen as "normal" by most people. It's hard for me to find people that can laugh at my jokes, put up with my long, circuitous sentences, etc. And I worry that I'm going to go a long time before someone else comes along who can appreciate me for those things...yet I still will admit my gut feeling was that something was "off"...

 

I don't know, is it always really a good idea to trust your gut? I might just be paranoid because of bad past situations.

[Cee]

Sociopathic tendencies is an automatic deal breaker.

 

Sociopathic people aren't socially awkward-- often they can be charming and incredibly intelligent. They also know how to tell people exactly what they want to hear. But these people will lie, cheat, and hurt somebody without any guilt whatsoever.

 

I'd be very afraid if on a first date a man dropped hints of anti-social behavior. Even you both "clicking" might be a sign of his skill in manipulating you and being a social chameleon.

 

I don't think it's worth the risk, to be honest.

[Sabali]

I don't know, is it always really a good idea to trust your gut? I might just be paranoid because of bad past situations.

 

 

I think it is always a good idea to trust your gut. Yes, you may sometimes make what seem to be the wrong decision but most times you will make the right one. Once you start questioning that deep down gut feeling, you will become a very indecisive person, develop low confidence in your decisions, and always act confused and become to dependent on others. Your gut picks up on things that your conscious can't exactly wrap itself around.

 

That guy said some very worrisome things. I bet you if you found yourself bound up in his basement a month from now you will be kicking yourself in the @$$ for not trusting your gut. As a woman, you have to be extra careful out there in the dating world. I am in strong support of your decision to have walked away form that guy.

 

 

Yes, we all have family issues but I strongly question those who can't get along with his whole family. Could the whole family be so screwed up that you won't speak with any of them? It seems like he is the most common denominator in the family issue so he is MOST LIKELY the problem. Loyalty is important in a partner. Someone who avoids his whole family doesn't seem very loyal.

 

As far as finding someone intellectually compatible with you it may have to do with the circle you move around in. A good way to increase your intelligence is to, of course, hang around other intelligent people. A good way to find an intellectually compatible person to date is to hang around other intelligent people. Is their an organization you could join of people with similar interest and achievements?

 

Do not settle for less out of fear that you will never find someone who will be compatible for you. It is the wrong reason to jump into a relationship and you would be cheating yourself. Yes, none of us are perfect but there are some personal flaws that strongly define who you are and what potentials you have. The stuff this guy said to you goes beyond having a weird sense of humor.

 

You will find someone. Just be patient. The wrong person in your life for even a couple of months or even one year could mean a life time of pain.

[Sabali]

Sociopathic tendencies is an automatic deal breaker.

 

Sociopathic people aren't socially awkward-- often they can be charming and incredibly intelligent. They also know how to tell people exactly what they want to hear. But these people will lie, cheat, and hurt somebody without any guilt whatsoever.

 

I'd be very afraid if on a first date a man dropped hints of anti-social behavior. Even you both "clicking" might be a sign of his skill in manipulating you and being a social chameleon.

 

I don't think it's worth the risk, to be honest.

 

 

I completely agree. If he is intelligent as you say he is, OP, the man knows how to work a crowd.

[welikeincrowds]

Being "book smart" is like having a physical impairment that prevents you from being seen as "normal" by most people. It's hard for me to find people that can laugh at my jokes, put up with my long, circuitous sentences, etc.

 

First of all, being intelligent is not an impairment. I know what you're getting at, but I just can't let you say something like that. We all wonder if we're going to find someone who will get us; there's nothing particular about that point of compatibility. I don't have enough to go on here with regards to your view of yourself, but I certainly hope you realize that this is a huge selling point for you. This may not seem like it's relevant to the point, but it may well be.

 

I don't know, is it always really a good idea to trust your gut? I might just be paranoid because of bad past situations.

I'm not looking at this like instinct, as though this is your ability to predict the future. I'm looking at the feelings that you had during your date, which arose naturally from your interaction, that you didn't want to feel, which led you to conflict. And that is all I'd like to consider.

 

I can look back at what you wrote about him and say "Yes, it's possible that she was misinterpreting gallows humor. Yes, this conflict he is having with his family may be legitimate, given that religion is so important to certain people, I could see that leading to a necessary estrangement." Yes, this is all true, for me and for anyone that may have heard those things during a date. But we are talking about what you heard.

 

There are two things here we cannot doubt. The first is that he did things that made you feel bad. To say that these feelings are wrong is not unlike saying it is wrong to feel cold in 50 degree weather. Everyone may not have the same reaction, but you cannot deny your own. There is nothing wrong, for example, about feeling that you'd like to kill someone. What you are wondering is whether it is right to act on these feelings. This is where I will move from fact to my opinion.

 

You were given reason to doubt this man. Whatever the basis behind the reason, he made you uncomfortable at multiple points, on your first date with him. I believe this is because you are identifying a difference of point of view between the both of you. I can't convince myself that this discomfort wouldn't show up in you again, if not on the second date, then at some point in the future. Therefore, if you continued, you would have little choice but to continue to put up with it.

 

Meanwhile, I can come up with a good reason to not go on a second date. You have expressed a willingness to suppress your own uncomfortable feelings when dating. The more you invest in someone, the harder it is to walk away. Therefore, I can see that a second date would be harmful. Maybe not that harmful, but for what purpose, when I also believe that the conflict will not disappear?

 

The second thing you cannot doubt is that you will always be able to find someone else. There is always someone else.

 

Look, no one has an answer to these questions, because however you try to avoid it, it does feel like predicting the future. People go on second dates despite being unsure because they distrust their soothsaying and they have hope. That is why I would prefer to focus on what you felt. You have a man you've identified as having potential (intangible, unprovable), but has already made you feel uncomfortable (tangible, provable).

 

If you decide to take a second look, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Just say "On further reflection, I think I may have spoken too soon. I'd really like to see you again." or something. In that case, ensure that you attend to your feelings, because they are not capable of being denied.

[beyondhope]

Sociopathic tendencies is an automatic deal breaker.

 

Sociopathic people aren't socially awkward-- often they can be charming and incredibly intelligent. They also know how to tell people exactly what they want to hear. But these people will lie, cheat, and hurt somebody without any guilt whatsoever.

 

I'd be very afraid if on a first date a man dropped hints of anti-social behavior. Even you both "clicking" might be a sign of his skill in manipulating you and being a social chameleon.

 

I don't think it's worth the risk, to be honest.

 

 

Oh, my goodness. I just looked up the clinical criteria for sociopathic behavior (having almost majored in psychology, I thought I knew this)...IT FITS HIS BEHAVIOR EXACTLY! It's as though he was a textbook case--right down to the uneasy feeling I had about the email he sent after our date, which a) "confirmed" that we had a date for Saturday, even though I was certain we'd never decided on a day to meet b) Paid me gratuitous complements about things that I didn't feel were very accurate c) Was eerily enthusiastic about seeing me again (almost theatrically enthusiastic).

 

Ha, I am SO glad I followed everyone's advice and canceled the second date, and stuck with it. I really appreciate all the comments. I'm going to post this list of sociopathic behavior somewhere in my room and stop feeling badly about my decision

[crosswordfiend]

CWF,

Do you know if your friend's fiance gave a reason why she changed her mind? I'm wondering if it would be better to explain why there was hesitation, or just tell him I want to try again...or maybe make an excuse like, I was really swamped with work?

 

Unfortunately he never told me.

[GivenUp0083]

Okay, so EVERYONE told me to decline a second date with this guy. They said to trust my gut instinct. But as soon as I declined the date, I started feeling like I'd made a huge mistake. We'd spoken online for over a month, went on one date. I didn't like how the date went and I thought I was doing the right thing, but I now I feel like I should have given him the benefit of the doubt and gone on that second date, then made my decision.

He had emailed to make sure we were still on for Saturday, and complemented me highly. I responded by complementing him about some of the positive things from our first date, then politely declined ("after some reflection, I have to decline"). Then I wished him best of luck in his education.

He replied saying he had to admit he was disappointed, but thanked me for being upfront.

SO IS THERE ANY WAY TO SAY "WHOOPS" and admit my mistake? Or is it too late? I feel like it might almost be rude to do this, but maybe not. We were really compatible but he said some things that scared me the first time around. I really want to give him another chance because he seemed like a fantastic guy up until we actually met, and I wonder if it was just nerves/too much emphasis on the wrong things...

 

Just tell him over the phone (more sincere) what you just wrote above. Tell him what he said in the first date that bothered you a little and you got scared (you are human) and say that after more thought you would like to see him again. From what it sounds like how you described him, he may be a little confused by it but he just may be inclined to see you again.