pandagirl Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 (edited) OK, I'm all about being the bigger person and yadda, yadda, yadda... but I think I've finally hit the "you kind of suck" point in my coping process, which is actually a really nice feeling rather than being upset and sad! So, allow me to vent: Dear Ex, You have your good points, that's for sure: your intelligence, ambition and humor are intoxicating. You're also handsome, and for the most part, you ARE a good person. BUT, you are an emotional cripple. You clam up at the slightest modicum of discomfort or conflict. You avoid, avoid, avoid, because you can't deal. You hated it when I complained about work, but if YOU wanted to bitch about YOUR work, I had to listen. I came second to your career. You made me feel like a nag because I wanted to come see you. You're moody as hell, and if you were in a bad mood, I just had to deal with it. I know you think you were in love with me, but I don't think you know what love really is. It's about sacrificing and compromise, communication and intimacy -- none of which you had. Remember when I stayed up with you all night to help you finish your project? Or when I took care of you when you were sick? OH MY GOD, I loved and cared for you so much. I did it because I wanted to, not because I had to. Looking back, what did you do for me? You put out the minimal effort you had to. It wasn't premeditated, it's just the way you are. When I look back to the beginning of our relationship, I know you were head over heels in love with me. But now I know it was an immature love, and you didn't know any better because it's the first time you felt that way about a woman. I feel like the reason we broke up was stupid. All I wanted to do was address the issues in our relationship, and you never wanted to, so it was this push and pull, until you couldn't take it anymore. You broke up with me because I WANTED to save our relationship, and it was too bothersome and overwhelming for you??? Oh wow, you had a girlfriend who loved you and wanted to have a healthy relationship. What a burden. You expect a woman to fit neatly in your life, without you having to change anything about yourself. You took me for granted. You didn't take care of me or our relationship. You failed to recognize that relationship takes some work and when it got a little hard, you bailed. You let me go. You let a good woman who loved you go. You're crazy. If you ever find another person who loves you half as much as I did, you'll be lucky. And, PS-YES, you ARE going bald. love, Pandagirl Edited November 12, 2010 by pandagirl
swfc_77 Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 i have my good points, im handsome, funny, and im a good person. i am going bald but thats not my fault. if you fancy a drink somewhere in the world let me know.
cerridwen Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 OK, I'm all about being the bigger person and yadda, yadda, yadda... but I think I've finally hit the "you kind of suck" point in my coping process, which is actually a really nice feeling rather than being upset and sad! So, allow me to vent: Dear Ex, You have your good points, that's for sure: your intelligence, ambition and humor are intoxicating. You're also handsome, and for the most part, you ARE a good person. BUT, you are an emotional cripple. You clam up at the slightest modicum of discomfort or conflict. You avoid, avoid, avoid, because you can't deal. You hated it when I complained about work, but if YOU wanted to bitch about YOUR work, I had to listen. I came second to your career. You made me feel like a nag because I wanted to come see you. You're moody as hell, and if you were in a bad mood, I just had to deal with it. I know you think you were in love with me, but I don't think you know what love really is. It's about sacrificing and compromise, communication and intimacy -- none of which you had. Remember when I stayed up with you all night to help you finish your project? Or when I took care of you when you were sick? OH MY GOD, I loved and cared for you so much. I did it because I wanted to, not because I had to. Looking back, what did you do for me? You put out the minimal effort you had to. It wasn't premeditated, it's just the way you are. When I look back to the beginning of our relationship, I know you were head over heels in love with me. But now I know it was an immature love, and you didn't know any better because it's the first time you felt that way about a woman. I feel like the reason we broke up was stupid. All I wanted to do was address the issues in our relationship, and you never wanted to, so it was this push and pull, until you couldn't take it anymore. You broke up with me because I WANTED to save our relationship, and it was too bothersome and overwhelming for you??? Oh wow, you had a girlfriend who loved you and wanted to have a healthy relationship. What a burden. You expect a woman to fit neatly in your life, without you having to change anything about yourself. You took me for granted. You didn't take care of me or our relationship. You failed to recognize that relationship takes some work and when it got a little hard, you bailed. You let me go. You let a good woman who loved you go. You're crazy. If you ever find another person who loves you half as much as I did, you'll be lucky. And, PS-YES, you ARE going bald. love, Pandagirl GooooPandagirl!! That you've reached the point of anger is healthy and inspiring. I'm glad for you!! Yay to all the people working toward healing! What are the 5 stages of grieving again? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance? I usually go from Depression, Anger, Acceptance. Hope the same for you!
Els Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Panda, I'm glad you got this out. However, I honestly think that he was trapped about as much as you were. When someone works til 11pm every night, how can he have the time and effort to put into a relationship anymore? It's certainly his fault that he didn't want to do anything to change his work despite all that. But isn't that the byproduct of ambition, that which made him attractive? I sometimes think that the things that attract us to people are the very same things that might cause trouble in a relationship. Ambitious and intelligent people almost always put their career first. Also, very intelligent people are typically not so good at dealing with emotions, at least from what I've seen. Perhaps us women should reconsider such things in future men we're attracted to? Just my thoughts.
Author pandagirl Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 GooooPandagirl!! That you've reached the point of anger is healthy and inspiring. I'm glad for you!! Yay to all the people working toward healing! What are the 5 stages of grieving again? Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance? I usually go from Depression, Anger, Acceptance. Hope the same for you! I hardly EVER get angry, so this is a nice change. I usually go from sad, to sad, to more sad, to acceptance. haha. Panda, I'm glad you got this out. However, I honestly think that he was trapped about as much as you were. When someone works til 11pm every night, how can he have the time and effort to put into a relationship anymore? It's certainly his fault that he didn't want to do anything to change his work despite all that. But isn't that the byproduct of ambition, that which made him attractive? I sometimes think that the things that attract us to people are the very same things that might cause trouble in a relationship. Ambitious and intelligent people almost always put their career first. Also, very intelligent people are typically not so good at dealing with emotions, at least from what I've seen. Perhaps us women should reconsider such things in future men we're attracted to? Just my thoughts. I don't blame his ambition or his work habits. The problem was the way he communicated. Honestly, I don't even know WHAT we were fighting about so much towards the end. All I know is we were having troubles (of course, it wasn't just him, it was me too) and I wanted to talk through them. And whenever I tried to bring it up, he would retract, distance himself, and just didn't want to talk about it. We push and pulled until we broke up. That's about the best explanation I have. He becomes very easily unhinged when he feels uncomfortable or vulnerable. I've seen it happen in other instances not regarding me. It's like, when he feels out of control, he just loses it. And this is a bit of a tangent, but I know it has a lot to do with his parents. His dad is very dismissive, and as far as I know, he doesn't have much of a relationship his mom. As a kid, I think he just learned to be very independent and become emotionally closed off so things wouldn't affect him, so when things DO affect him, he just won't or can't deal with it. As for intelligent people not being as emotionally open as others... OH WELL. Then don't get into relationships, because they're all about emotions!
cozenedindigo Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I hardly EVER get angry, so this is a nice change. I usually go from sad, to sad, to more sad, to acceptance. haha. I don't blame his ambition or his work habits. The problem was the way he communicated. Honestly, I don't even know WHAT we were fighting about so much towards the end. All I know is we were having troubles (of course, it wasn't just him, it was me too) and I wanted to talk through them. And whenever I tried to bring it up, he would retract, distance himself, and just didn't want to talk about it. We push and pulled until we broke up. That's about the best explanation I have. He becomes very easily unhinged when he feels uncomfortable or vulnerable. I've seen it happen in other instances not regarding me. It's like, when he feels out of control, he just loses it. And this is a bit of a tangent, but I know it has a lot to do with his parents. His dad is very dismissive, and as far as I know, he doesn't have much of a relationship his mom. As a kid, I think he just learned to be very independent and become emotionally closed off so things wouldn't affect him, so when things DO affect him, he just won't or can't deal with it. As for intelligent people not being as emotionally open as others... OH WELL. Then don't get into relationships, because they're all about emotions! OMG, the EXACT same thing happened with my last breakup! I feel for you. Good on you for being the one that had the sanity and consistency to want to work it out. You don't deserve an escapist loser!
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