a week old LDR..so so tough. I'll warn you, I wrote a lot.

[dark_circles]

One week ago, my gf of 5 months moved to London, England and I'm here near Toronto. I'm finding this very tough as I knew it would be going into and committing to a LDR but it's MUCH harder than I thought.

I've got a thousand confusing feelings and thoughts which include doubt about it all, positive thoughts of us eventually being together, how to handle the situation now..tons of stuff occupy my mind. Some stuff definately fed by my insecurities.

 

We lived together for the last 2.5 months and it was amazing. She's incredible and I love her and she loves me. We both have had an amazing time together seeing each other literally every day the entire 5 months. She had to leave because of VISA issues and now she found a job there.

 

Part of my frustration is she's very busy with training at work and trying to find a place to live so because of that, and the time difference, we don't talk so much. I mean, we have talked every day since she’s been gone but some days more than others. Her life sounds so busy and exciting and she’s really happy with her new job so far. As it’s great to hear this and I’m happy she sounds happy, part of me hurts because I feel like she’ll decide to stay there the happier she is there. I almost want her to have one of those "I hate it here", "I miss you way too much" days but I haven't heard that yet. I feel ultra guilty for feeling that way and thinking that but I can’t shut if off.

 

We don’t have any firm plans of where or how we’ll come together eventually but we’ve committed to trying and seeing where it takes us with the belief that we WILL come together some time, some where, some how. She wants me to go there and live there for at least a year with her next year because she is originally from Europe and seems very happy there. And to be honest, she seems at home in Europe from what I can tell so I already have feelings of guilt for even wanting to take her away from her "home" and bring her back here.

 

I want her to come back because I'm 9 years older and have a semi-established life which is progressively getting better. I have a professional job, own 2 properties and need a bit of time to further myself financially in the city I live (which is near Toronto) because it offers great opportunity for real estate development within the next few years, plus my family is here but that isn't a huge concern. And I think it would be easier for her to start a career here, despite how much she's been rejected by many places shes applied, than for me to effectively start all over again in another country. She understands why it would be tough for me to go, leaving opportunity behind but she also wants me to be with her n Europe and enjoy Europe for a bit together, which is a fantastic thought but realistically is difficult to achieve. She conceded that she'd like to come back here and start a family because it's a great place for it but as a compromise, she'd like me to go there for a year or so, so we can travel around and enjoy life together before we commit to marriage and children, which is something we both want together. She is basically starting her career so this new job is very exciting for her and can provide opportunity to grow and she hasn't had any luck in finding work here despite applying for hundreds of jobs while she was here. She got a lot more interest from Europe and easily found that one in London. I tell her how hard it would be for me to basically drop everything here and start a new, temporary life in London, one of the most expensive cities in the world to live in. I don't know what I'd do, how I'd make a decent income so we can afford to enjoy what Europe has to offer, which is the whole point of me going. My mind has always been interested in moving to Europe one day, when I'm much more financially secure, so the concept isn't new for me but because of her involvement in my life, I now face that decision much sooner than I was expecting to.

 

I feel like I want to always talk with her, message her, communicate one way or another because I miss her terribly, but she seems more relaxed about communicating. Presumably because she's just really busy and tired from all the runnng around she's had to do in the week she's been there, so I understand that. The time difference makes things even more difficult too. I know I'm just being insecure about her not getting in touch with me so often and that it's strictly because of the hecticity of her life at the moment. The insecure part of me is saying she's losing interest, she realizes how much more exciting her life in a great city like London is compared to how it would be here with me and she doesn't want things to go on anymore. These are the kind of things my mind invents, which is one thing. The bad thing is when I start reacting to those thoughts and feelings and project them onto her as if that is what is going on when in reality, it isn't or I at least have n basis to believe it is.

 

Am I rambling? My thoughts are all over the place and seem rambled so I'm not surprised if none of this makes much sense. I'm sorry for the length of it but this is basically a mind dump for me. I really have no one else to talk to as my friends don't really understand and my family won't offer me an objective view.

 

My life since she's been gone has become very boring because I am not the one with a new job or looking for a place to live or meeting new people to go out with so I feel like I have a lot more time to think about us, think about the situation, invent thoughts that provide reasons and justifications for my insecure feelings. I also feel very available to her because after work, I typically go home and just stay there without socializing a lot so when she texts, I'm there, or if she has some free time to skype, I will or if she wants to call, I answer. I'm realizing how much life she actually injected into my own life and how much I miss it since she's gone. I'm also realizing how unhealthy it is for me to sit around and wait for to contact me. The best thing I can do is go on with my life and responsibilities as she is, get out a bit more and do the things I like to do so I'm not sitting at home thinking about the situation or her constantly.

 

All I know, and all I tell her I know, is how much I love her and how much I want to be with her. How, I don't know. Where, I don't know and when I don't know. I'm committed to trying and so is she but I don't know how often we should talk, how much space I should give her, how many times I can tell her I miss her without it losing meaning, how often I can send her random texts with cute thoughts. I find myself wanting to do it all the time but I hold back because I don't want to smother her.

 

The more I think about the nature of this relationship and the direction it could be going, the more I believe my negativity and insecurities will result in a self-fulfilling prophecy..one that doesn't end well so I'm really trying to change my thinking but am having a tough time. I'm very aware of projecting my thoughts and feelings on her unjustifiably and how acting on these invented thoughts and feelings will only bring bad things because I'd basically be accusing her of things that aren't true. Maybe time will help, maybe it won't. I know when she first moved in with me, we definately need an adjustment period. Things were hard at first and she considered moving out but some time and compromise from both of us, we overcame that and it became great. So I'm hoping this is just an adjustment on how to act, what to do, how to get comfortable before we get into a good groove of making this LDR work. I know something that doesn't help is hearing all about peoples' failed experiences at LDR's. For ONCE I'd love to hear about a beautiful success story that'll give me hope. One of her new colleagues told her about a failed LDR he had so now I'm thinking about how that may have planted a 'this is doomed' seed in her mind. I have to stop over-thinking. My mind is my greatest yet worst enemy.

 

We've both accepted that we'll be apart for a year, maybe more so we don't have false expectations of coming together any sooner, unless something unexpected happens. I've already booked a flight to go visit her at Christmas so I'm VERY excited about that and am counting down the days. I told her about a fear I have with seeing her again and not being able to get back into the groove of things, like we had when she was here. And seeing her changed or her seeing me changed but that's just a fear and not based in any reality.

 

I would love any adivce, comments, criticisms, thoughts, anything about this. Anything I can relate to would be great. I would especially love to hear about success.

 

Thanks for reading this 'essay' and good luck to you all in your adventures.

[folieadeux]

Hello and welcome.

 

I think you’ll find these boards to be a really great resource and support system. I also don’t have anyone in my day to day life that can offer me any real, constructive help so I find this place to be an invaluable tool.

 

You’re only a week in and I really think that everything you’ve described is par for the course and more than understandable. In regards to the communication issue, things will settle down once your SO eases into her routine a bit more. There really is no “normal” or “average” type or frequency of communication. Every relationship and people in them will require something different. Once things calm down a bit on her end, I would suggest you try to establish some sort of “routine” if you will that will work best for you both to ensure everyone’s needs are being met.

 

During your time apart, I definitely think the best coping strategy is to stay busy. Go out with friends/family/co-workers, meet new people, develop a hobby, see if you can get some overtime at work, volunteer…the list goes on. Whatever you choose to do, the goal is to stay active! Sitting at home alone dwelling will only be detrimental to your relationship. And besides, it’ll give you something new to talk to your SO about when you get home!

 

My SO and I live in the same country (he is originally from the UK too like your girlfriend), but it’s never an easy situation when you’re apart from the one person you’d give anything to be with on a daily basis. We manage to see each other about every month or so and are working towards resolving the distance by the close of next year. From my perspective, that is success. We already did the hard part by finding each other.

 

I wish you and your SO the best of luck. You’ll get through it…together. Join in our visit countdown we have here too…many of us are also seeing our partners around the holiday season and we can all go through the frustration and excitement together.

[Taucher]

Hello,

 

I dont have any advice I'm afraid. I am just struck by how similar your situation is to mine and how similar your reactions to it are similar too.

 

My GF of 6 months has gone away, on Wednesday, because of VISA issues and we too lived together for the last 2 months. She is travelling to New York, Florida, Costa Rica and then home to Colombia. She hasnt seen her family for 2.5 years. So, I am stuck in London with all the memories and all the oppurtunities to wallow in pity, and she is having these fantastic and new experiences...she is busy and distracted and cant wait to see her family. My worry is that my experience of our separation will be sadness - my life continues but without the best part e.g. her. Her experience is not having me, sure, but she doesnt have anything she had...it's all new for her.

 

BUT...this girl chose you. Circumstances have caused this. What you said about your negative thoughts becoming a self fulfilling prophecy is bang on the mark. You HAVE to keep any bitterness, neediness, jelousy or mistrust to yourself. You say you want to change your thoughts...that would be great but too hard to achieve maybe. Dont beat yourself up about how you feel. What you need to ensure is that how you feel doesnt cause you to act destructively. How you act is more important than how you feel. Relationships are about self sacrifice. It's a romantic notion to be hurting inside but not to let your SO know; be strong and supportive. You are probably supporting her more than you know. It might sound like she is all great...new job, new town and all, but I cannot imagine it is easy for her. Has it occured to you that your support and flexibility at this time is helping her loads? You will be doing your relationship all the good in the world if you support her unquestioningly in the short term.

 

You also say that you feel like you are always there for her...if she Skypes, you answer, if she texts, you reply. Thats just how it has to be I'm afraid. She has a lot going on and, simply, you dont. If you love her, you have no choice but to do all the compromising at this time.

 

My friend had a girlfriend who was Canadian. They had a LDR for a year and last month she moved to London. She is a nurse. Not great pay, but London is not so expensive as peaople think. Why not move here? You have identified the thoughts in your head and how destructive and false they are, you sound pretty together. The only real issue you have is that you dont have an end date for your LDR. One of you is going to have to make a move to be together. I would think seriously about this. You say you would like to move to London when you are better off financially? You sound very solvent - I would suggest most people come to London with a lot less. Have you even had a look at jobs in London, just for research?

 

Sorry to go on. I think I was giving myself advice as much as anything else.

 

Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, the weather here (London) has been mainly cold with driving rain and incredibly grey skies recently. It's not all good here!

 

T