Should I try one more time or delete his number?

[GivenUp0083]

How????

 

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

Its times like this I am so glad to be out of the dating game if this is how complicated it gets. I remember angst over calls, but not this level of analysis.

 

Unfortunately I can say this is a big reason why I got out of online dating. As a guy I felt tremendous of WHEN to call after a date as well, and it obviously wasn't without good reason, women's expectations can seem ridiculous and unachievable at times. I'm just glad I realized that it doesn't matter WHEN you call, if she has interest and is flexible then she will still go out with you. OG is NOT flexible and has unfair expectations.

 

This is extremely cruel and somewhat frighting. This kind of behavior creates men that hate women. I don't even know what to say it's so troubling .

 

It's common, I know many women with "rules" and expectations of when a guy is supposed to contact them. I know this because I used to be so insecure and misinformed when I would ask women on advice of when to call a girl I was dating. I got different answers with every girl I asked.

His reply screams low interest to me.

 

Let me tell you a story. I dated a girl for about a month last summer. I called her only about once a week, and each time I would ask her out to go on a date and we would set up a day and time to meet. She constantly told me how busy she was so it was usually around her schedule and we'd meet a week later on average. After 4 dates she tells me (via texting) that I need to "tone it down a little, you're moving a little fast, I'm not ready for a relationship yet". I was completely baffled as I explained to her I thought we were just dating and I never mentioned anything about being serious or even a relationship. We hadn't even talked about past relationships. She then tells me that each time I call I try to set up a date, and that we should just "wing it" more often than planning every date. This is a girl who couldn't shut up every date about how busy she was, so I told her I was trying to be respectful of her schedule.

 

This sort of ridiculousness makes me want to bang my head against a wall, and reading what OG is saying and you enabling her ridiculous reasoning makes me want to jump off a bridge.

[sanskrit]

Step down out of the castle and reply in an innocuous friendly way to his email. Try not to worry if it takes two days for someone to respond. How much he is on the site means nothing. Have had some women bring this up with me (why are you still on the site?) and I never tell them this but I was often on the site checking on them to see if they were logging into the site and trying to figure if they were looking at me, and not looking at other women. This is the same species of misunderstanding as all the FB BS. For a mathematician, you don't seem to have a very good grasp on probability. When a man sends you a "good kisser" text and later a complimentary Email, he likes you, as others have said, even if he isn't on your "contact timetable" yet (and why exactly should he be after one date? people are different...)

 

After a good first date, I want to see signs the woman is not going to be the totally passive "chase me chase me" type I associate with drama and other annoyance. After 2-3 dates, if she isn't taking even a small active role by initiating some contacts, I'm off to greener pastures. The best first kisses are when the couple meet halfway, and this applies to other early dating considerations as well.

[sb129]

You can't expect someone to follow your rules and expectations if they don't even know what they are.

 

There seem to be lots of rules and expectations on the OPs part, and she isn't taking into account that the guys she are dating are people with expectations and feelings as well.

[xpaperxcutx]

How????

 

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

 

Its times like this I am so glad to be out of the dating game if this is how complicated it gets. I remember angst over calls, but not this level of analysis.

 

 

Well, it took him two days to rehash that he had a good time with her. And from what he wrote, he didn't bother to explain why he had been so busy ( yet not busy enough to go check his profile).

 

Also, he didn't bother to plan another date with her. He simply said next week and left it at that.

 

I had a guy who did the same thing- writing me an email to explain he was busy but that he will get touch with me soon. Afterwards, nada.

 

This sort of ridiculousness makes me want to bang my head against a wall, and reading what OG is saying and you enabling her ridiculous reasoning makes me want to jump off a bridge.

 

I'm certainly not enabling her. I have never once enabled OG's behaviour on LS. I simply stated my thoughts on the email.

 

Sure it was " sweet", but I don't like how he ended it by leaving the status of a second date uncertain. It's one thing to place the ball in her court, it's another to have to write an email saying they'll meet again soon. Doesn't he have a phone with her number on it? He could simply have called to say he wanted to plan another date.

[sb129]

But why should he be the one to control everything?

 

She didn't reply to his "you're a good kisser" text, she could just as easily have arranged another date.

 

I do feel for guys who have the added pressure of having to be the ones to make the next move.

[OceanGirl]

So I was having second thoughts about not being flexible enough, especially since I checked my OKC profile and saw that he was looking at it a few times today...I did feel strong connection to him on all levels and he was really easy to be around. Not to mention that our senses of humor mesh so much that we were already finishing each other's jokes. Kissing chemistry was off the charts too. Still, I thought that I was being delusional (as I often am).

 

I didn't respond to his message but I was seriously considering it.

 

And then he called. He apologized for taking 2 days to respond to my message (I never mentioned that this was a problem but he somehow knew it - bonus points for mind reading). He said "when I like a girl, I just get nervous and screw things up".

 

He asked me for a concrete day (Wednesday night) and had a plan (specific restaraunt and bar). He even looked up the weather for that day and picked an outdoors venue because there is a small chance of rain and it is supposed to a pleasently warm evening. He also had an alternative plan in case I didn't like his choices. I was touched.

 

Given the new developments, I have decided to give him a chance. I think that he has shown some effort and desire to see me again and I think that his interest level is reasonable at this point.

 

I am trying not to get too excited but yeah, I could really see myself being with him.

[sb129]

Good for you OG.

 

Nice work on his part, and yours for accepting it.

 

Look forward to hearing about date no 2!

[OceanGirl]

Good for you OG.

 

Nice work on his part, and yours for accepting it.

 

Look forward to hearing about date no 2!

 

Thanks sb

 

Out of curiousity, how long have you and your H been on dating sites before you met?

 

How many men have you met online before meeting him?

[sb129]

We were both online for a couple of months. He was the only person I met IRL, and same for him. I had emailed a couple of other guys but nothing came of them.

 

Just got lucky I guess..

[Alma Mobley]

I was about to post that you should give him another chance when I saw your update. Good news! I hope it goes well.

[northern_sky]

something doesn't add up about this guy's behavior.Maybe I'm over-thinking it, but why would he wait two days out of nervousness?? That doesn't make any sense to me.

[OceanGirl]

We were both online for a couple of months. He was the only person I met IRL, and same for him. I had emailed a couple of other guys but nothing came of them.

 

Just got lucky I guess..

 

That was lucky indeed...

 

Like TBF pointed out, there seems to be certain mentality among long term online daters. I have only been online dating going on 4th month now and I often catch myself thinking "oh well, I will just go on to the next profile"....It's very easy to exchange a few messages and meet up. That's why I am wary of men that are on there for > 6 months - it's perfect set up for players.

[Blade96]

Awwwe. A thread by a woman with some trust issues that had a happy ending. She got her reply and nice considerations from him. I like these threads. Btw I know what its like as I have serious trust issues as well. I wish Ocean Girl - and the guy, too - all the best.

[GivenUp0083]

That's why I am wary of men that are on there for > 6 months - it's perfect set up for players.

 

Have you not learned anything? I did online dating for over a year and by no means am I any kind of "player". You need to start setting aside expectations and rules. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Maybe you could meet a great guy like this one and he had been online dating for years and just didn't meet the right girl. Maybe, and very possibly, he's been dating women like you and hasn't had any luck, because I promise you in a month you'll be back here talking about a new guy and what he's doing/what this means/why he's not doing what you think he should.

 

Seek help, people have been telling you this for a while, you should really look into it. Your stupid judgments are now extremely annoying.

[OceanGirl]

something doesn't add up about this guy's behavior.Maybe I'm over-thinking it, but why would he wait two days out of nervousness?? That doesn't make any sense to me.

 

Yeah, I know - it doesn't really add up but I will let it slide for now. I rarely meet someone that I like... I know I would have regrets if I said no to his efforts. If this happens again I will have to re-consider.

[OceanGirl]

I have managed to complete all the marking this weekend while obsessing about this issue at the same time.

 

F#ck, I didn't leave my apartment all weekend but I did earn $1500.

[threebyfate]

And then he called. He apologized for taking 2 days to respond to my message (I never mentioned that this was a problem but he somehow knew it - bonus points for mind reading). He said "when I like a girl, I just get nervous and screw things up".

It's possible he's socially awkward but I would still advise caution.

 

A question to ask yourself is whether he's normally glib or not, through both cyber and real life interactions. If so, I'd say his explanation is full of poop.

[Star Gazer]

something doesn't add up about this guy's behavior.Maybe I'm over-thinking it, but why would he wait two days out of nervousness?? That doesn't make any sense to me.

 

Why? What makes you think that he wasn't nervous?

 

You and OG have done some equally, if not more, bizarre things out of anxiety...have you not?

[Gattica]

Guys don't play games. They don't p*ss around and say stuff they don't really mean.

 

What planet do you live on?

 

I am not saying that this guy is playing games, but to say that guys, in general, don't play games...you are not being honest or you are living in a dream world. Men and women both play games...sad, but true.

[dispatch3d]

I have managed to complete all the marking this weekend while obsessing about this issue at the same time.

 

F#ck, I didn't leave my apartment all weekend but I did earn $1500.

 

but how much did you save on car insurance?

[carhill]

After a read of the thread, my instinct is to align with TBF, to proceed and with eyes open and accepting of the information and interactions coming.

 

If I had read only your OP and your update about his subsequent call and 'explanation', I would and do see an obvious disconnect in behaviors and words from him. Perhaps that's situational. OK. The first date appears worthy of a second date; sounds like that's going to happen. Best wishes and I hope it works out

 

BTW, for a completely opposite perspective, I find, when I 'click' with someone and we have great chemistry and a good connection, I feel this incredible calm sweep over me. YMMV, of course

[sb129]

What planet do you live on?

 

I am not saying that this guy is playing games, but to say that guys, in general, don't play games...you are not being honest or you are living in a dream world. Men and women both play games...sad, but true.

 

In my experience, dated though it may be, I have never had a guy say he liked me when he didn't. Low interest = no contact. Why would someone bother?

 

I have never been "played" by a guy in the dating stages. My husband is not a game player. If anyone was going to be, it would be me.

 

So I DO live on planet "guys don't play games"- well at least the ones I know don't.

 

That said, I am out of the dating game, and it would appear that things have changed somewhat since I was part of the online dating world.

 

Just calling things how I see it. Everyones entitled to say their opinions.

[sb129]

Proceed with caution is good advice regardless, it is only the second date after all.

 

There is no way anyone can be 100% sure about anyone after just one date.

 

He may redeem himself, he may not.

[OceanGirl]

I am pretty sure that if I am being played, I will know soon enough.

 

My eyes are wide open. I just do not want to miss something great because of fear.

 

BTW for those who asked, he comes across as nervous and somewhat socially awkward. His voice was kind of shaky during the first 20 minutes of our date and on the phone. He is far from smooth.

 

I simply do not have enough information at this point to know, one way or the other.

[dispatch3d]

there is some unbelievably good dating advice in this thread.