bassplayertn Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I am trying to move on and work through the issues of rejection and my wife having a brutal affair. She is unapologetic now. I think her knowing that I know about it has brought her a new comfort level over the last month with it. Blowing my mind. So, I of course am trying to get over it and move on, but every day I am fighting images of her with another man. In every way. From going shopping to sex...... I can't even seem to look at another woman without thinking about stuff we did, then I start to think about her doing it with someone else...... Driving me crazy...... This morning I woke up in tears just thinking about it. How can I get this crap out of my head and just get on with rocking at life in general? Finding it hard to get to the gym..... hard to get out of bed..... hard to do anything..... eating too much...... hating things too much...... I know I am not the only one who deals with this and am open to all suggestions.....
fltc Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Venting helps some, time will dim the pictures in your head but.... they'll never be gone entirely. My pictures have survived 50 years, through other girlfriends, marriage (to someone else, of course,) divorce, etc. Sorry, wish I could say you'll recover fully in a week or a year or a decade but it won't happen.
Kic Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Many on this forum have gone through something similar. You will heal, but it takes time. The degree of pain will lessen and the pictures will come up less frequently. The time seems to pass more quickly when you're having fun and feeling better about yourself. Consider a home gym (power rack, olympic weights, not expensive machines) if you're lacking the motivation to travel to a public gym. Maybe pickup a new hobby that gets you out of the house and running into other people.
bl22 Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I am trying to move on and work through the issues of rejection and my wife having a brutal affair. She is unapologetic now. I think her knowing that I know about it has brought her a new comfort level over the last month with it. Blowing my mind. So, I of course am trying to get over it and move on, but every day I am fighting images of her with another man. In every way. From going shopping to sex...... I can't even seem to look at another woman without thinking about stuff we did, then I start to think about her doing it with someone else...... Driving me crazy...... This morning I woke up in tears just thinking about it. How can I get this crap out of my head and just get on with rocking at life in general? Finding it hard to get to the gym..... hard to get out of bed..... hard to do anything..... eating too much...... hating things too much...... I know I am not the only one who deals with this and am open to all suggestions..... When me n my ex broke up, I found it hard to get to the gym BY MYSELF. What you need is a gym buddy, someone to go with you and chat to ya whilst you train. Even if its to chat about your relationship, at least your doing something beneficial whilst talking about it.
112233 Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Just my opinion but for me, looking at those pictures was a mistake.
Author bassplayertn Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 Just my opinion but for me, looking at those pictures was a mistake. For the record... I never actually looked at real pictures, they are just images created by knowing my wife is in a full blown relationship with another man.... and the papers aren't even done...... I still want to fix it, but I am trying to move past that feeling....
112233 Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 For the record... I never actually looked at real pictures, they are just images created by knowing my wife is in a full blown relationship with another man.... and the papers aren't even done...... I still want to fix it, but I am trying to move past that feeling.... Ah OK, I see. Well you should stop with the imagination, and she's not really your wife, probably good to realize and internalize that.
Feelin Frisky Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Perhaps medication might be the ticket. I told my ex: "either you see a shrink or it's over". Then I called her back and said "you know what? It's too late for that". Then I took MYSELF to a shrink. I was engaging in circular thought patterns and amplifying my frustrations to unhealthy levels about that sick biotch. Prozac helped me cease this pattern and start to recover anew. Good luck. (I play bass too, btw).
Author bassplayertn Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 Ah OK, I see. Well you should stop with the imagination, and she's not really your wife, probably good to realize and internalize that. I don't know how to be okay with that thought...... How is she not my wife? She is making horrible choices, but until the court stuff happens, to me we are still married...... Wrong?
You Go Girl Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I don't know how to be okay with that thought...... How is she not my wife? She is making horrible choices, but until the court stuff happens, to me we are still married...... Wrong? Well if you are definitely divorcing her, I think what he is suggesting is that you stop thinking of her as your wife before she legally isn't your wife. Just to get your thought patterns going in a futuristic direction. If you're thinking of reconciliation, then that's different and you need therapy to work through this. You might consider therapy anyway if you can afford it, can't hurt. As for these images--nobody puts them in your head but you. Why are you tormenting yourself? Imagine them having bad sex. Who says it was good?
HopelessinDTW Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Bassplayer: I know what you are going through. I actually stood outside the hotel room door while my sbx was having sex with the OM...I heard everything. It's tough to get that out of my head, but as others have said...you need to look at her not as your wife anymore, but as someone that has morphed into someone else. You obviously love(d) her very much, but what she has done to you is monstrous....as such she is a monster. You cannot look backwords any longer..she gone. Look ahead, and work to make your life as good as it can be.
Steadfast Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 A dear friend once told me "Don't feel bad about feeling bad". I know it all seems one sided now and you'd like the pain to go away, but it won't. Not yet. Better to be honest with yourself and brave through these next days and months than hoping for some kind of instant resolution. There is no shame and no shortcuts for grieving and suffering your wife's choices. If you didn't, that would mean you don't care. It's normal. You're normal. You may still be legally married, but when she decided to cheat (and make no mistake; it was a calculated decision) she broke her vows, thus ending the agreement. This is where she is now, and what's best for you is to accept that...painful as it is. Once you've come to terms with the facts and realize just how far gone she is, it will make your decisions -and the path leading to them- much easier. For now, give her what she wants. Let go. The other man is useless. There is no foundation. Nothing to envy there. One more thing to ponder, assuming you're considering a recon at some point; if she loved you, she'd be there. Let her go...completely go, and if she someday returns, then you'll have some new decisions to make. Pay no attention to what others say, this is your decision and yours alone. You must follow your heart. But don't forget the brain! It's looking out for you. Now, about those images... I must mention my experiences, because I base my advice on them. About a year after the divorce, my ex confessed that lust drove her to cheat. When I commented that the sex must have been incredible for her to give up everything, she just nodded. Well, that answered the question as to whether it was good or not. Then again, maybe that's a lie too? After all, who would admit to giving up everything for bad sex? The point is; it doesn't matter. STD's aside, it's a brief, physical manifestation of an inward emotion. The events leading to it and following are what you must deal with. When these thoughts come (and they will) push then out of your head with the spirit of forgiveness. Even though you hate what she did, simply letting her off the hook in your own mind will eventually lessen the pain these thoughts bring to you. In time, all you'll feel is indifference. I tried to fix it. That's a dead end game. You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do, and the harder you try the more she'll resist. Again, let her go. Prove your love by giving her what she wants. Your anger should be directed towards her placing you in a marriage with a wife who cheats. In the end, I excused myself from that situation. That did it. This all takes time. And speaking of time, use the time you have now to look inside yourself and decide what you could have done differently. A great poster here once said the real benefit for searching for the demise of your marriage is finding yourself. No doubt you will, and that'll better you. The key of course is letting go, and forgiving. It just does not help you to keep replaying it in your mind over and over. It can actually become habit, and like any bad habit, it's better if you break it. By releasing bitterness, treating her with kindness (but not kissing her ass) and focusing on you, it's possible to become smarter, sexier and ultimately, ready to love again. It's good to have a local friend or a small group to share with when it's time to vent. Not 'yes men' who'll call your wife names, but someone who is interested in you. Someday, you'll be in a position to help someone else. One day at a time. One hour at a time. Let it go, try to understand everyone involved and move on with life. Keep posting! Good folks here-
USCGAviator Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Stay strong and don't do anything stupid. A great single life awaits you....TRUST ME
TrustInYourself Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Stop putting those pictures there and start doing something constructive and positive for yourself. When your thoughts are negative, do something positive. I was in your shoes. Keep your head up. There will be ups and downs, but eventually your heart and mind will clear. You just have to face the pain.
You Go Girl Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I'm unclear whether the two of you are trying to reconcile or not? Many LS members take a hardline approach to infidelity. Do you? If you believe in the hardline and she's crossed it, then what is there to do but work on you, and put her out of your mind as a possibility entirely. I'm not sure where you stand. If you would consider reconciliation after an affair, and are trying to do just that, and still these images are in your head too often, then consider their source. Your pride. They're not real images, you made them up. You're bothered by them greatly, and you need to work through them. I'd sit down and discuss with her the whys of the affair. Maybe the whys are more important than torturing yourself with images. Most women do not have an affair for lust. That's what guys do. Now that's a blanket statement, and doesn't apply to everyone, but most women are different. Women go to another's arms for comfort. Consider that. She was missing comfort and support, security with her emotions. I think you need to talk to her about that, instead of focusing on horrifying images of lust.
Author bassplayertn Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 I'm unclear whether the two of you are trying to reconcile or not? Many LS members take a hardline approach to infidelity. Do you? If you believe in the hardline and she's crossed it, then what is there to do but work on you, and put her out of your mind as a possibility entirely. I'm not sure where you stand. If you would consider reconciliation after an affair, and are trying to do just that, and still these images are in your head too often, then consider their source. Your pride. They're not real images, you made them up. You're bothered by them greatly, and you need to work through them. I'd sit down and discuss with her the whys of the affair. Maybe the whys are more important than torturing yourself with images. Most women do not have an affair for lust. That's what guys do. Now that's a blanket statement, and doesn't apply to everyone, but most women are different. Women go to another's arms for comfort. Consider that. She was missing comfort and support, security with her emotions. I think you need to talk to her about that, instead of focusing on horrifying images of lust. To help clarify the situation: I, even after knowing she is having an affair, did, and on some level, am still trying to reconcile. But at this point, I am the only one trying and it is more of me just trying to change her mind. Which is Lame now. I am a very strong man, and this insecurity sucks!!! Anyway, She is in a full blown relationship with this man. And not hiding it anymore. Not that she is pushing it in my face, she just has stopped lying and we both know the truth.But we haven't signed anything and the papers are being drawn up now. I have to be in touch with her because we have 2 houses and things to work out. I am being friendly, but the more we talk, obviously, the more I want her to change her mind. But that is what it is, I want her to change her mind. She doesn't want to right now. I have looked back over the last year and see exactly how we drifted to this spot. Should I say, SHE drifted to this spot. I travel a lot (4-5 days a week) and with a new move and added separation, she needed something that appeared stable. She allowed herself to be with someone else and I can't do anything about it. So, in short..... lol....... I would reconcile if she wanted to..... But I am past the point of begging and trying to force her to do anything...... I think.... I hope.... I just find it really hard to talk to her and not think about this other dude who now has everything I worked for for the last few years...... It is not right! and makes me very sad.... and mad..... and everything else I am sure we all feel.....
Steadfast Posted November 16, 2010 Posted November 16, 2010 I just find it really hard to talk to her and not think about this other dude who now has everything I worked for for the last few years...... It is not right! and makes me very sad.... and mad..... and everything else I am sure we all feel..... You're right; this guy DOES have everything you had. He has a woman who cheated on and left her husband, and she has a home wrecker that has proven he is capable of sleeping with another man's wife. A relationship built on deception, betrayal, lies and back stabbing. I understand your feelings as do many others here, but you have to seriously ask yourself if this is truly something you would want? Perhaps healing will quicken if you imagine what life would be like if you did reconcile with her. After the emotional rush of relief and joy wore off, the problems that caused her to cheat in the first place would once again appear. Her affair did not make them go away. Do you honestly think she's capable of putting in the work? It takes an amazing amount of love and compassion to overcome this. Has she ever shown that level of caring? True healing and grown comes from taking care of you. Let her go and focus on what's good for you. No matter what happens, this new found strength and insight will prove beneficial in your decision making process.
Author bassplayertn Posted November 16, 2010 Author Posted November 16, 2010 Do you honestly think she's capable of putting in the work? It takes an amazing amount of love and compassion to overcome this. Has she ever shown that level of caring? I can honestly say, No. Sad.... But True.... I'm getting there. yesterday was the first day I actually woke up and felt I deserved better and, Yes, she unfortunately when down a different path than I did, but I am moving on.......
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