newpriorities Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 wow, with everyone mentioning how the new guy will pick up on it and aall that - I really never thought of it before, and I didn't think it woulda been a big deal - shows how much I know about guys Maybe back in the day I had that hope, but I can honestly say that I wouldn't want a relationship with someone that I can't trust. With someone that I KNOW is a liar and a cheater and with someone with kids and ties to baby momma and all that drama and baggage. I can honestly say that I don't want any of that. But since I'm speaking the truth I will say that there is a residu of some feelings for him, but its not even 10% of what it was before. I really don't respect him, and I don't believe him. So that makes it easy not to want to be with him. However, I will admit that having that residu is reason for concern and that it would make it easier to slip, and so yes, I will be careful and I will try to limit my contact with him even more. As I explained numerous times already, I know myself, and I know that I would feel bad if I said that I didn't want us to talk - and that feeling bad would lead me to talk to him again. I think this limited contact (and if I limit it even more) is the best way for me to go. I agree that this is potentially dangerous but I also firmly believe that this limited contact can be navigated. My recently xMM and I also work together, very closely and daily contact is NOT avoidable. We have to see and communicate with each other every day so I am doing this with a huge wall of protection around myself, but it can be done. I realize there are those out there who might say this is an "excuse" for keeping these men in our lives and I have thought about this and find it not to be true. In fact, it would be sooooo much easier if I didn't have to see him, but to completely not speak to him would be incredibly awkward, not only for us, but for our colleagues as well! Glad you chose the option that you did, but perhaps you might want to reconsider receiving these cds at all. Doesn't it make you think of him when you listen to them? Take care and be careful!!!!
MorningCoffee Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 (edited) wow, with everyone mentioning how the new guy will pick up on it and aall that - I really never thought of it before, and I didn't think it woulda been a big deal - shows how much I know about guys I have heard that in the evolution of the brain, especially in men's brains, one of the strongest and earliest, most primitive part has the function to instantly categorize anything that is perceived and decide whether it poses a "threat/no threat," or is a "friend/enemy," or there is "danger/no danger." I think this instinctive organ is what tips someone off that there is "something between" that man and that woman, even when viewing strangers across a room at a gathering. Even more so if a guy is attracted to a woman, then his primitive brain part processes the other guy as "competitor/non-competitor." So, yeah, I completely agree the BF would probably have picked up on it immediately if you'd pursued option #1. It's just "bio"-"logical" Edited November 13, 2010 by MorningCoffee
pureinheart Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 (edited) Its not a huge deal, but I'm just wondering... As most of you know xMM and I are still "friends" In the past, he used to make me CDs because we like the same kind of music and I just love having good stuff to listen to in my car. Today xMM told me that the mixes he made for me are ready, but there is a prob with the software and so he couldn't put the mixes on CDs yet. He then tells me that when he goes home, he can try to fix it, and that he can come by later and drop the CDs off The new guy I'm seeing made plans with me to come over to my place tonight and cook me dinner, then we're supposed to go out and do something else. My first instinct was to tell xMM to come by to drop off the CDs because I know that the new guy will be there, and I kinda wanted to rub it in, because I KNOW that xMM would assume that by coming over to my place, he's in for a good time - and it would be an AWESOME slap in the face for him....but it also seemed really childish on my part to do so so I just told him that I had plans tonight and that he can just give me the CDs next week. Would any of you have chosen option #1? I'm just curious, cuz I so wanted to do it - but I knew it seemed childish and kinda petty - so I didn't... I would have put him off also, while it is very nice of him to make you the CD's, your priorities are different...I'm sure he'll understand...you see understanding goes both ways, now it's his turn. I know it's tempting to get back at xMM, although not worth it...for me, I'd feel bad. Edited November 13, 2010 by pureinheart
spice4life Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 (edited) wow, with everyone mentioning how the new guy will pick up on it and aall that - I really never thought of it before, and I didn't think it woulda been a big deal - shows how much I know about guys [\QUOTE] That's what the boards are for right? To prevent us from making mistakes. There is always a chance that someone here has BTDT, learned from it, and will never do it again. And, is willing to help others from making the same mistake. No sense in dragging potential new guy into your past; especially if he doesn't ask you to right? This way whatever happens between the two of you is about just the two of you. Option one was a funny fantasy though. Good for you that you kept it there! Edited November 13, 2010 by spice4life
East7 Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 I would advice you #2 : keep the mystery. I totally agree with the previous posters, don't screw it up with the new guy, he has ALL to offer you, xMM has nothing to offer except a new A. The mystery is the best way to keep him wondering about your life and being more attractive. Your post makes me smile because xMW called me today breaking NC and I told her I have a new gal, she was very nervous but pretended that she didn't care and "that's childish to tell me" I felt awkward to having told then I didn't mention it anymore. She was frustrated about it but I think I shouldn't have told. So just tell him you are busy, he can drop the CDs another time. Ignorance and mystery are very powerful attractions.
fooled once Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 wow, with everyone mentioning how the new guy will pick up on it and aall that - I really never thought of it before, and I didn't think it woulda been a big deal - shows how much I know about guys Maybe back in the day I had that hope, but I can honestly say that I wouldn't want a relationship with someone that I can't trust. With someone that I KNOW is a liar and a cheater and with someone with kids and ties to baby momma and all that drama and baggage. I can honestly say that I don't want any of that. But since I'm speaking the truth I will say that there is a residu of some feelings for him, but its not even 10% of what it was before. I really don't respect him, and I don't believe him. So that makes it easy not to want to be with him. However, I will admit that having that residu is reason for concern and that it would make it easier to slip, and so yes, I will be careful and I will try to limit my contact with him even more. As I explained numerous times already, I know myself, and I know that I would feel bad if I said that I didn't want us to talk - and that feeling bad would lead me to talk to him again. I think this limited contact (and if I limit it even more) is the best way for me to go. Hope you know that everyone here is just concerned for you and we don't want to see you back slide into the Affair and be right back in this same spot 2 months from now. I hope you continue to find the strength each day and hope that eventually, one of you leave the company so that you don't have to have the contact. Best of luck to you!!!
2sunny Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 so in accepting anything from him - you are still accepting and receiving his energy... he knows that... i wouldn't agree to accept a thing. THAT send a clear message to him not to waste his/your time and energy trying to make contact in any way, shape or form. since you work together - be business polite only. otherwise - you are just misleading him and using him for what he may be willing to give you.
Author TigerCub Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 I agree that this is potentially dangerous but I also firmly believe that this limited contact can be navigated. My recently xMM and I also work together, very closely and daily contact is NOT avoidable. We have to see and communicate with each other every day so I am doing this with a huge wall of protection around myself, but it can be done. I realize there are those out there who might say this is an "excuse" for keeping these men in our lives and I have thought about this and find it not to be true. In fact, it would be sooooo much easier if I didn't have to see him, but to completely not speak to him would be incredibly awkward, not only for us, but for our colleagues as well! Glad you chose the option that you did, but perhaps you might want to reconsider receiving these cds at all. Doesn't it make you think of him when you listen to them? Take care and be careful!!!! Thank you for offering your support and showing me that I'm not the only one out there that can pull off the very limited contact. Honestly, although I have screwed up in the past - I do know my real limits and yeah, I think that what I'm doing with xMM (having limited contact and avoid the awkwardness) is what I can handle and the best path for me right now. Thanks again
Author TigerCub Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 Hope you know that everyone here is just concerned for you and we don't want to see you back slide into the Affair and be right back in this same spot 2 months from now. I hope you continue to find the strength each day and hope that eventually, one of you leave the company so that you don't have to have the contact. Best of luck to you!!! Thanks Fooled Once. I do know that you guys are just looking out for me, and I greatly appreciate it.
Author TigerCub Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 so in accepting anything from him - you are still accepting and receiving his energy... he knows that... He can waste all the energy in the world for all I care! That's not my problem. I'm not wasting any more energy on him and that's all that matters to me at this point. i wouldn't agree to accept a thing. THAT send a clear message to him not to waste his/your time and energy trying to make contact in any way, shape or form. Again, I'm not wasting any more time on him. He knows that I'm dating someone, he must have noticed that everything between him and I has cooled off. He must have noticed that I don't initiate any contact with him, or flirt with him, or anything like that. So if he wants to waste his time - that's his business, and honestly I don't feel sorry/bad about that. All I know is that I'm stronger and I see through the BS and I"m NOT wasting any more time on him. since you work together - be business polite only. otherwise - you are just misleading him and using him for what he may be willing to give you. oh boo hoo! I'm misleading him?! so what? he mislead me for a good while, if he's being mislead because I'm still polite and curtious to him, then maybe he's more guilable than I've ever been? Even if IS being mislead - so what? I wouldn't feel bad about that at all - he did it to me, and if he's reading more than he should out of our "friendship", that's his dumbass move. I'm not going to appologize for that.
Author TigerCub Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 I have heard that in the evolution of the brain, especially in men's brains, one of the strongest and earliest, most primitive part has the function to instantly categorize anything that is perceived and decide whether it poses a "threat/no threat," or is a "friend/enemy," or there is "danger/no danger." I think this instinctive organ is what tips someone off that there is "something between" that man and that woman, even when viewing strangers across a room at a gathering. Even more so if a guy is attracted to a woman, then his primitive brain part processes the other guy as "competitor/non-competitor." So, yeah, I completely agree the BF would probably have picked up on it immediately if you'd pursued option #1. It's just "bio"-"logical" That's very interesting and does make a lotta sense. Thanks for breakin it down for a sometimes clueless gal
Author TigerCub Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 I would advice you #2 : keep the mystery. I totally agree with the previous posters, don't screw it up with the new guy, he has ALL to offer you, xMM has nothing to offer except a new A. The mystery is the best way to keep him wondering about your life and being more attractive. Your post makes me smile because xMW called me today breaking NC and I told her I have a new gal, she was very nervous but pretended that she didn't care and "that's childish to tell me" I felt awkward to having told then I didn't mention it anymore. She was frustrated about it but I think I shouldn't have told. So just tell him you are busy, he can drop the CDs another time. Ignorance and mystery are very powerful attractions. I don't think you should feel bad about telling xMW that you're seeing someone. Its not like you gave her the gory details. I told xMM that I'm seeing somone and I don't feel bad about that at all. I did fight the urge to rub it in by picking the more wise option regarding the CDs but whatever - they should know that life goes on after them, and we do find other better people.
newpriorities Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I don't think you should feel bad about telling xMW that you're seeing someone. Its not like you gave her the gory details. I told xMM that I'm seeing somone and I don't feel bad about that at all. I did fight the urge to rub it in by picking the more wise option regarding the CDs but whatever - they should know that life goes on after them, and we do find other better people. To quote Erica Jong, "They wonder, how dare we survive them?":bunny::bunny:
whichwayisup Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Maybe back in the day I had that hope, but I can honestly say that I wouldn't want a relationship with someone that I can't trust. With someone that I KNOW is a liar and a cheaterand with someone with kids and ties to baby momma and all that drama and baggage. I can honestly say that I don't want any of that. Then why bother being friends with someone you cannot trust? Someone who doesn't have your best interest at heart? You have come a long way, I just hope that being "friends" with xMM isn't affecting you more than you're letting on. Meaning, he still IS in your life and feelings are being fed, subconsciously on an emotional level. Maybe you don't get the zing in your heart for him anymore but if you didn't see or speak to him for 2 months, would you feel it in your heart? If he quit his job, would you feel withdrawal and a loss of not seeing or hearing from him anymore? It hasn't really been put to that test because you see him daily at work and the connection is still there, even though the A is over. Glad you picked the right choice by not letting him come over while your date was there. Although, I'm sure you're right about him feeling uncomfortable if he did come over, but (just curious) how would you feel if he hadn't felt weird or uncomfortable, actually was nice, and shook hands with your date, acted completely normal? Would you be wondering why he wasn't jealous or feeling uncomfortable?
pureinheart Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 He can waste all the energy in the world for all I care! That's not my problem. I'm not wasting any more energy on him and that's all that matters to me at this point. Again, I'm not wasting any more time on him. He knows that I'm dating someone, he must have noticed that everything between him and I has cooled off. He must have noticed that I don't initiate any contact with him, or flirt with him, or anything like that. So if he wants to waste his time - that's his business, and honestly I don't feel sorry/bad about that. All I know is that I'm stronger and I see through the BS and I"m NOT wasting any more time on him. oh boo hoo! I'm misleading him?! so what? he mislead me for a good while, if he's being mislead because I'm still polite and curtious to him, then maybe he's more guilable than I've ever been? Even if IS being mislead - so what? I wouldn't feel bad about that at all - he did it to me, and if he's reading more than he should out of our "friendship", that's his dumbass move. I'm not going to appologize for that. Your not misleading him, he chose to do this for you, it's a little friendship thing pure and simple. I have a real good idea as to his "possible" motives though....an old bf once told me something that has stuck after all these years. I was constantly turning him down and I asked him why he didnot give up...he said something very profound and true. He said that guys (most of them anyway) don't see much rejection, nor do they care about it. They will keep trying in the hopes to get a foot in the door either again or for the first time...I have found this to be true as it takes forever for me to agree to date someone. Take care TC and congrats on your new bf:)
jj33 Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Tiger I totally get why you feel you have to be on good terms with him. But good terms for work is different than friends. And good terms for work doesnt mean allowing him to come to your house or make you CDs. That smacks of keeping the door open. I read your poem which was fantastic. If you really feel that way, then he is not your friend. Its easy to be on good terms without seeing him outside of work. When he offers to stop by tell him you are seeing someone and it would be awkward. Or you are busy and you will have company whatever feels right to you. You can be polite to him in the office without keeping the "friendship" alive outside of work. Lets face it, hes not really your friend. I juggle the same situation but sadly not seeing anyone new but I avoid seeing him outside of work or dealing with him in any way unless I have to or its beneficial to my work. The longer you hang on thinking you need to have more contact with him, the longer it will take you to get over him. I know because I was spooked about the work element and allowed more contact than ehim to remain in my life more than necessary for too long a time. Once I finally cut the contact to the bare minimum, we went through a very rocky phase but it seems now to have calmed down. Even to teh point where when his name came up in business and another woman said "oh I love him" and gushed about him I took it in stride. It takes time but you will get there.
BlackLovely Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 Its not a huge deal, but I'm just wondering... As most of you know xMM and I are still "friends" In the past, he used to make me CDs because we like the same kind of music and I just love having good stuff to listen to in my car. Today xMM told me that the mixes he made for me are ready, but there is a prob with the software and so he couldn't put the mixes on CDs yet. He then tells me that when he goes home, he can try to fix it, and that he can come by later and drop the CDs off The new guy I'm seeing made plans with me to come over to my place tonight and cook me dinner, then we're supposed to go out and do something else. My first instinct was to tell xMM to come by to drop off the CDs because I know that the new guy will be there, and I kinda wanted to rub it in, because I KNOW that xMM would assume that by coming over to my place, he's in for a good time - and it would be an AWESOME slap in the face for him....but it also seemed really childish on my part to do so so I just told him that I had plans tonight and that he can just give me the CDs next week. Would any of you have chosen option #1? I'm just curious, cuz I so wanted to do it - but I knew it seemed childish and kinda petty - so I didn't... If this was my choice five years ago, I would have chosen the first one. We can all admit that we don't always act mature, especially when being spiteful feels good. Good for you for picking the first option. I have never been an OW, but the question of pettiness vs maturity speaks to all.
Author TigerCub Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 To quote Erica Jong, "They wonder, how dare we survive them?":bunny::bunny: Haha!! that's an awesome quote!
Author TigerCub Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 Then why bother being friends with someone you cannot trust? Someone who doesn't have your best interest at heart? OH My F'N GOD!!! I'm so sick of answering this question - if you want an answer read through the other replies. You have come a long way, I just hope that being "friends" with xMM isn't affecting you more than you're letting on. Meaning, he still IS in your life and feelings are being fed, subconsciously on an emotional level. Maybe you don't get the zing in your heart for him anymore but if you didn't see or speak to him for 2 months, would you feel it in your heart? If he quit his job, would you feel withdrawal and a loss of not seeing or hearing from him anymore? It hasn't really been put to that test because you see him daily at work and the connection is still there, even though the A is over. Again, maybe you need to get the facts. We work in the same building we DON'T see each other on a daily basis I couldn't care less if he moved - I wouldn't miss seeing him. I don't miss emailing him and so I don't do it- he emails me once in a while. I don't flirt with him and I dont encourage him. Glad you picked the right choice by not letting him come over while your date was there. Although, I'm sure you're right about him feeling uncomfortable if he did come over, but (just curious) how would you feel if he hadn't felt weird or uncomfortable, actually was nice, and shook hands with your date, acted completely normal? Would you be wondering why he wasn't jealous or feeling uncomfortable? I know that's what he would have done. He's not the type to show how he really feels, and I know for a fact that he wouldn't have acted all jealous and had a hissy fit. He knows better than that, he would have been at least a little upset, but I know that he wouldn't have shown it.
Author TigerCub Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 Your not misleading him, he chose to do this for you, it's a little friendship thing pure and simple. Thanks Pure, that's how I see it too - CDs between "friends" or friends are not anything too special. He offered to do it, and its not a big deal. I don't believe I'm misleading anyone. I have a real good idea as to his "possible" motives though....an old bf once told me something that has stuck after all these years. I was constantly turning him down and I asked him why he didnot give up...he said something very profound and true. He said that guys (most of them anyway) don't see much rejection, nor do they care about it. They will keep trying in the hopes to get a foot in the door either again or for the first time...I have found this to be true as it takes forever for me to agree to date someone. I think what your old bf told you is very true. I know that guys are all about the hunt and getting rejected gives them more drive to get what is "rejecting" them, but whatever his possible motives are, it honestly doesn't matter at this point because I'm not interested in him that way anymore. Take care TC and congrats on your new bf:) Thanks for the well wishes Pure He's not a bf yet - I'm taking it slow with this guy - just dating for now...but ya never know where it will lead Thanks again
Author TigerCub Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 If this was my choice five years ago, I would have chosen the first one. We can all admit that we don't always act mature, especially when being spiteful feels good. Haha, aint that the truth Good for you for picking the first option. I have never been an OW, but the question of pettiness vs maturity speaks to all. I'm glad I took the high road, especially since the immature option would have been so transparent anyways Here's to maturity!
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