TigerCub Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Its not a huge deal, but I'm just wondering... As most of you know xMM and I are still "friends" In the past, he used to make me CDs because we like the same kind of music and I just love having good stuff to listen to in my car. Today xMM told me that the mixes he made for me are ready, but there is a prob with the software and so he couldn't put the mixes on CDs yet. He then tells me that when he goes home, he can try to fix it, and that he can come by later and drop the CDs off The new guy I'm seeing made plans with me to come over to my place tonight and cook me dinner, then we're supposed to go out and do something else. My first instinct was to tell xMM to come by to drop off the CDs because I know that the new guy will be there, and I kinda wanted to rub it in, because I KNOW that xMM would assume that by coming over to my place, he's in for a good time - and it would be an AWESOME slap in the face for him....but it also seemed really childish on my part to do so so I just told him that I had plans tonight and that he can just give me the CDs next week. Would any of you have chosen option #1? I'm just curious, cuz I so wanted to do it - but I knew it seemed childish and kinda petty - so I didn't...
maravilla Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Good for you for picking option # 2. It is much more mature. And after the poem you wrote about MM (which was really good btw) I'm wondering why you're still 'friends' with MM? I vote for option # 3 - cut him out of your life completely!
2sure Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Eh, depends on my mood. I know me and have to admit I'm completely capable of option #1. However, more realistically I could see myself saying: Oh, the CDs. Hey, how about you enjoy them yourself?
Author TigerCub Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 Good for you for picking option # 2. It is much more mature. And after the poem you wrote about MM (which was really good btw) Thank you for both the support of choosing option #2 and the compliment on the poem I'm wondering why you're still 'friends' with MM? I vote for option # 3 - cut him out of your life completely! Because I don't want the awkwardness of us "not being friends" because we see each other at work. Also, I don't initiate ANYTHING at all with him, he's the one doing it, and since I see through it all now, I don't see a big risk of falling back into anything with him. So if we talk once in a while, that's fine by me - he can try all he wants, its really not going anywhere past me replying to a few emails, me NOT flirting with him, me certainly NOT getting sucked back into the A.
Author TigerCub Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 Eh, depends on my mood. I know me and have to admit I'm completely capable of option #1. I sooooooo was itching to do it - I mean it was the perfect opportunity to just show him that he no longer matters at all. I would have had a really cute really sweet guy in my place cooking me dinner, as xMM felt uncomfortable and had to leave right after he dropped off the CDs - OH I so wanted to do it. but... I thought I'd be the bigger person However, more realistically I could see myself saying: Oh, the CDs. Hey, how about you enjoy them yourself?
jwi71 Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 As most of you know xMM and I are still "friends" No you aren't - friends don't treat each other like that. He then tells me that when he goes home, he can try to fix it, and that he can come by later and drop the CDs off ...riiiiiiiiight. And...that's a friend? The new guy I'm seeing made plans with me to come over to my place tonight and cook me dinner, then we're supposed to go out and do something else. ...riiiiiiight. Gonna make a romantic dinner, eat at your place, then clean it all up and go out. Dare I ask what is for dessert? My first instinct was to tell xMM to come by to drop off the CDs because I know that the new guy will be there, and I kinda wanted to rub it in, because I KNOW that xMM would assume that by coming over to my place, he's in for a good time - and it would be an AWESOME slap in the face for him....but it also seemed really childish on my part to do so That would be funny. Right up until the new guy sees your MM's face and INSTANTLY figures out he's "more than a friend". You lose both this way. so I just told him that I had plans tonight and that he can just give me the CDs next week. Much better I wouldn't have a choice because I don't keep contact with any former ex's. Number two is better.
BB07 Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Well I kinda like door #1, although you shouldn't take a chance on screwing things up with the new guy. Since he is new, it probably isn't the time to have to explain. XMM might have an outburst or something. Also about the friend thing.......Tiger I have to say that concerns me. As long as he is having contact with you in any fashion that keeps him on your mind and probably in your heart............and friends don't hurt you like xmm did. To keep him as a friend is not in your best interest hon.
Author TigerCub Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 ...riiiiiiiiight. And...that's a friend? If it was anybody else, yeah it would have been normal for a friend to come by and drop something off - but yeah definitely not when it comes to him. ...riiiiiiight. Gonna make a romantic dinner, eat at your place, then clean it all up and go out. Dare I ask what is for dessert? Haha. That would be funny. Right up until the new guy sees your MM's face and INSTANTLY figures out he's "more than a friend". You lose both this way. I honestly don't think so. I'm not exclusive with this guy, and its like our 4th date. xMM is not "more than a friend" as far as I'm concerned, he may want to be more, but I certainly have no interest in walking down that path again. but you're right in that it woulda been funny Much better I wouldn't have a choice because I don't keep contact with any former ex's. Number two is better. Thanks jwi71
Author TigerCub Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 Well I kinda like door #1, although you shouldn't take a chance on screwing things up with the new guy. Since he is new, it probably isn't the time to have to explain. XMM might have an outburst or something. Yeah door #1 is tempting aint it? I honestly didn't think of the possibility that the new guy would read so much into it, but since its been mentioned as a possibility, yeah I guess it coulda been something - so yeah maybe it is best we didn't go for option #1 Also about the friend thing.......Tiger I have to say that concerns me. As long as he is having contact with you in any fashion that keeps him on your mind and probably in your heart............and friends don't hurt you like xmm did. To keep him as a friend is not in your best interest hon. I totally understand your concern regarding me and xMM being friends, and I so appreciate that you're looking out for me. The truth is, it would be more awkward for me to cut him off completely because I would see him at work, and if I did it, I would feel bad especially because he has abandonment issues - I just know myself well enough to KNOW that I would end up talking to him after I cut him off because I would feel bad. This way, with limited contact, I just think its better. I don"t really consider us friends for real because I don't trust him or respect him, that's why I always put friends in quotes. He's not really my friend for real, I don't initiate contact with him, and I don't flirt with him or anything, I just feel that keeping him at that distance is better than cutting him off, feeling bad about it, and then contacting him again because I feel bad. But I definitely do have your words in mind, and I am so careful not to slip back into things. Its not a place I want to be in again. Thanks BB
Hazyhead Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 This way, with limited contact, I just think its better. I don"t really consider us friends for real because I don't trust him or respect him, that's why I always put friends in quotes. He's not really my friend for real, I don't initiate contact with him, and I don't flirt with him or anything, I just feel that keeping him at that distance is better than cutting him off, feeling bad about it, and then contacting him again because I feel bad. But I definitely do have your words in mind, and I am so careful not to slip back into things. Its not a place I want to be in again. Thanks BB Take care, TC. I think you should keep contact as limited as possible - you certainly have nothing to feel badly about regarding not speaking to him. When I read your initial post I could see the temptation to rub his nose in it (think I have a bit of that in me too) BUT, I know that it comes from a place where I still care what he thinks, as I think you do. True healing will come when you don't even bear him a thought, really; where you can say 'CDs? Oh yeh. Whenever,' or as 2Sure said, tell him to enjoy listening to them himself. I think your response of 'I'm busy' was perfect if you are determined to keep contact I, like BB, worry about that though... from a while reading here that only seems to ever take one path.
Author TigerCub Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 Take care, TC. I think you should keep contact as limited as possible - you certainly have nothing to feel badly about regarding not speaking to him. When I read your initial post I could see the temptation to rub his nose in it (think I have a bit of that in me too) BUT, I know that it comes from a place where I still care what he thinks, as I think you do. Thanks Hazy, I think maybe wanting to put him in an awkward position as Option #1 would have done, comes more from an angry place in me. The anger I felt after realizing that it was all an act, the anger I felt feeling that I didn't matter - I guess that's why option #1 was so tempting, to rub his nose in it. I know that he knows I'm seeing someone, but I also wanted him to SEE it. But there's no point in me being angry or resorting to being childish, and yeah that's why I fought the temptation and went with option #2. True healing will come when you don't even bear him a thought, really; where you can say 'CDs? Oh yeh. Whenever,' or as 2Sure said, tell him to enjoy listening to them himself. I think your response of 'I'm busy' was perfect if you are determined to keep contact I, like BB, worry about that though... from a while reading here that only seems to ever take one path. Again, thanks for the concern, I definately have the bold part in mind.
spice4life Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 (edited) Its not a huge deal, but I'm just wondering... As most of you know xMM and I are still "friends" In the past, he used to make me CDs because we like the same kind of music and I just love having good stuff to listen to in my car. Today xMM told me that the mixes he made for me are ready, but there is a prob with the software and so he couldn't put the mixes on CDs yet. He then tells me that when he goes home, he can try to fix it, and that he can come by later and drop the CDs off The new guy I'm seeing made plans with me to come over to my place tonight and cook me dinner, then we're supposed to go out and do something else. My first instinct was to tell xMM to come by to drop off the CDs because I know that the new guy will be there, and I kinda wanted to rub it in, because I KNOW that xMM would assume that by coming over to my place, he's in for a good time - and it would be an AWESOME slap in the face for him....but it also seemed really childish on my part to do so so I just told him that I had plans tonight and that he can just give me the CDs next week. Would any of you have chosen option #1? I'm just curious, cuz I so wanted to do it - but I knew it seemed childish and kinda petty - so I didn't... You did the right thing, absolutely without a doubt. Not only because it's childish but because the other guy would pick up on it. Guys know guys and he would be able to pick up on the fact that you two were intimate with one another. It would probably end up leaving a bad taste in his mouth about you. Not a good way to start out dating. Don't play those kind of games because you could end up with egg on your face. Edited November 12, 2010 by spice4life
Fieldsofgold Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Take care, TC. I think you should keep contact as limited as possible - you certainly have nothing to feel badly about regarding not speaking to him. When I read your initial post I could see the temptation to rub his nose in it (think I have a bit of that in me too) BUT, I know that it comes from a place where I still care what he thinks, as I think you do. True healing will come when you don't even bear him a thought, really; where you can say 'CDs? Oh yeh. Whenever,' or as 2Sure said, tell him to enjoy listening to them himself. I think your response of 'I'm busy' was perfect if you are determined to keep contact I, like BB, worry about that though... from a while reading here that only seems to ever take one path. You definitely did the right thing! I'm very proud of you! Ah, #1, that would be a funny little revenge fantasy. Sometimes it's fun to entertain what we'd "like to do" if it wasn't real life. I've certainly done my share of that! Besides giving me a good chuckle, Option #1 tells me two things - that you are moving in the right direction YAY!!!! :bunny: . . . and that you aren't fully over him That's ok and understandable. After all, it hasn't been that long. Just please be really, really careful, as I agree with BB and Hazeyhead and others. Just remember -- he ain't your friend.
Hazyhead Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 You did the right thing, absolutely without a doubt. Not only because it's childish but because the other guy would pick up on it. Guys know guys and he would be able to pick up on the fact that you two were intimate with one another. It would probably end up leaving a bad taste in his mouth about you. Not a good way to start out dating. Don't play those kind of games because you could end up with egg on your face. Excellent point and you should prioritise new-could-be-the-keeper dude all the way
desertIslandCactus Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Tiger forgive me.. But if it were me, I wouldn't accept any favors from the MM.
jthorne Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Option 1 was kind of funny, but I don't care for the idea of using one person to get back at another. I would have told him to keep the CDs for himself. He's using them to keep in contact with you. Actually, I would have told him to give them to his wife, but I realize you want to be civil.
MorningCoffee Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Maybe I'm too late to chime in, but if you see him at work, why not have him drop the CDs off at your desk or something. Aside from the fun fantasy of option #1, why even entertain the idea of the ex-MM coming to your place? I think it sends a man a "come hither" message.
fooled once Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Its not a huge deal, but I'm just wondering... As most of you know xMM and I are still "friends" In the past, he used to make me CDs because we like the same kind of music and I just love having good stuff to listen to in my car. Today xMM told me that the mixes he made for me are ready, but there is a prob with the software and so he couldn't put the mixes on CDs yet. He then tells me that when he goes home, he can try to fix it, and that he can come by later and drop the CDs off The new guy I'm seeing made plans with me to come over to my place tonight and cook me dinner, then we're supposed to go out and do something else. My first instinct was to tell xMM to come by to drop off the CDs because I know that the new guy will be there, and I kinda wanted to rub it in, because I KNOW that xMM would assume that by coming over to my place, he's in for a good time - and it would be an AWESOME slap in the face for him....but it also seemed really childish on my part to do so so I just told him that I had plans tonight and that he can just give me the CDs next week. Would any of you have chosen option #1? I'm just curious, cuz I so wanted to do it - but I knew it seemed childish and kinda petty - so I didn't... Not fair to new guy to play a game like this. He will pick up a vibe and I think most people wouldn't appreciate being "used" to make someone else jealous. I don't mean that to come off as a snotty thing...but it is best that you chose Option #2 Good for you for picking option # 2. It is much more mature. And after the poem you wrote about MM (which was really good btw) I'm wondering why you're still 'friends' with MM? I vote for option # 3 - cut him out of your life completely! TOTALLY agree (and maravilla, great advice....now get a mirror and look in it and say the same thing...cut him out of your life completely ) ((hugs)) Thank you for both the support of choosing option #2 and the compliment on the poem Because I don't want the awkwardness of us "not being friends" because we see each other at work. Also, I don't initiate ANYTHING at all with him, he's the one doing it, and since I see through it all now, I don't see a big risk of falling back into anything with him. So if we talk once in a while, that's fine by me - he can try all he wants, its really not going anywhere past me replying to a few emails, me NOT flirting with him, me certainly NOT getting sucked back into the A. Hmm...I am just going to say it....I think you are using the "awkwardness at work" excuse to keep in contact with the MM. You don't have to be friends to be professional at work. It is called business associate. No different than someone else at work. You smile when you walk by and say hi. I think you might be hanging onto him .... because MAYBE he will realize what a great woman you are and decide to be with you. Doesn't matter if you initiate or not - what matters is you are keeping the door open. You did just that with not telling him "thanks but no thanks" to the CD's. You are letting him know that you will gladly accept him doing something like this for you - because he will know that when you play the CD, you will remember HE made it for you. Is there a LEGITIMATE business reason you need to reply to emails? Do you work FOR him? Or is he just someone who works at the same company who you normally wouldn't have contact with? Think about this TC. I think you are playing with fire.... Well I kinda like door #1, although you shouldn't take a chance on screwing things up with the new guy. Since he is new, it probably isn't the time to have to explain. XMM might have an outburst or something. Also about the friend thing.......Tiger I have to say that concerns me. As long as he is having contact with you in any fashion that keeps him on your mind and probably in your heart............and friends don't hurt you like xmm did. To keep him as a friend is not in your best interest hon. Agree!
4321sn Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Well be proud of yourself for not having option 3...(cancel on the new guy to spend time with MM) I'm an idiot and probably would have done that
Author TigerCub Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 You definitely did the right thing! I'm very proud of you! Ah, #1, that would be a funny little revenge fantasy. Sometimes it's fun to entertain what we'd "like to do" if it wasn't real life. Thanks and yes, although #1 woulda been a nice F U to him, its better that I didn't do it. I've certainly done my share of that! Besides giving me a good chuckle, Option #1 tells me two things - that you are moving in the right direction YAY!!!! :bunny: . . . and that you aren't fully over him That's ok and understandable. After all, it hasn't been that long. Just please be really, really careful, as I agree with BB and Hazeyhead and others. Just remember -- he ain't your friend. You're a smart cookie yes, I am moving in the right direction, but yes, I'm not TOTALLY over him. But seeing him in a different light had helped me get over him for the MOST PART. I'm getting there. I will be very careful. Thanks
Author TigerCub Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Tiger forgive me.. But if it were me, I wouldn't accept any favors from the MM. No worries I know what you're saying. But as long as we're being "friends" as I explained before this would seem ok for me since he used to always make CDs for me. Its not a favor. He offered to do it, I said fine. I never asked for it, I never made him do it, and I'm certainly NOT giving him anything back in return for it
Author TigerCub Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Option 1 was kind of funny, but I don't care for the idea of using one person to get back at another. I would have told him to keep the CDs for himself. He's using them to keep in contact with you. Actually, I would have told him to give them to his wife, but I realize you want to be civil. Haha, I so woulda said that if I wasn't being civil with him.
Author TigerCub Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Maybe I'm too late to chime in, but if you see him at work, why not have him drop the CDs off at your desk or something. Aside from the fun fantasy of option #1, why even entertain the idea of the ex-MM coming to your place? I think it sends a man a "come hither" message. That's exactly what makes this whole thing so funny. Normally he gives me my CDs at work. However, this time since there's been a lot of distance between us and I no longer initiate anything with him or indulge him - this all happened. Suddenly the software didn't work and he's gonna fix it when he goes home, and so ... can he come by to drop of the CDs in the evening? that's what makes this so funny/planned in my mind - because it seems like he's obviously doing this on purpose.
Author TigerCub Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Not fair to new guy to play a game like this. He will pick up a vibe and I think most people wouldn't appreciate being "used" to make someone else jealous. I don't mean that to come off as a snotty thing...but it is best that you chose Option #2 wow, with everyone mentioning how the new guy will pick up on it and aall that - I really never thought of it before, and I didn't think it woulda been a big deal - shows how much I know about guys Hmm...I am just going to say it....I think you are using the "awkwardness at work" excuse to keep in contact with the MM. You don't have to be friends to be professional at work. It is called business associate. No different than someone else at work. You smile when you walk by and say hi. I think you might be hanging onto him .... because MAYBE he will realize what a great woman you are and decide to be with you. Maybe back in the day I had that hope, but I can honestly say that I wouldn't want a relationship with someone that I can't trust. With someone that I KNOW is a liar and a cheater and with someone with kids and ties to baby momma and all that drama and baggage. I can honestly say that I don't want any of that. But since I'm speaking the truth I will say that there is a residu of some feelings for him, but its not even 10% of what it was before. I really don't respect him, and I don't believe him. So that makes it easy not to want to be with him. However, I will admit that having that residu is reason for concern and that it would make it easier to slip, and so yes, I will be careful and I will try to limit my contact with him even more. As I explained numerous times already, I know myself, and I know that I would feel bad if I said that I didn't want us to talk - and that feeling bad would lead me to talk to him again. I think this limited contact (and if I limit it even more) is the best way for me to go.
Author TigerCub Posted November 13, 2010 Author Posted November 13, 2010 Well be proud of yourself for not having option 3...(cancel on the new guy to spend time with MM) I'm an idiot and probably would have done that haha, thanks. ya know that option #3 would have been an option back in the day BEFORE I could see that everything he does is an act. Now I have absolutely no desire to be played.
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