Cheated on and scared

[burning5eed]

Okay, let me start out by saying I'm a 25 y/o male married (well... there is no paper, but we still said the I dos) to a 28 y/o man named Matt. I can honestly say that I have never loved anything or anyone in this world as much as I do him. However, I have been cheated on by him, and am not sure if or how I can ever get over it. Though I want to and am trying my best.

 

It started about five or six months ago. He went on a hike with one of his gay friends I never had met. He knew I didn't like this, but that didn't stop him. I see him being alone with another gay male the same as and straight male would see his girlfriend being alone with another straight guy. A month or so after the hike I was looking for my SD card to move some picture onto. I found like three different ones, and not knowing which was mine I put the first one into my computer. On this card are pictures of this other guy he went on the hike with posing in his underwear. There were no nude pictures. This caused a big fight, and this is when I lost a bit of my trust in Matt. He ended up saying that the guy just wanted his pictures taken like that, and that nothing more happened. What else could I do but take his word?

 

That is how me losing most of my trust in Matt started. And after that the things he would hide just added to it. I don't hate anyone, but someone who can lie to me is someone I wont have anything to do with. Except for with Matt. I hate the lies, and just based on them and nothing else, I would have trust issues with him either way. I don't lie to others, and I've always expected the same in return.

 

After the photo show him and one of his friends had, and just some of the lies, I started sneaking around to find out if there was more going on than he was telling me of. I would keep an eye on the history on my computer, and even installed a keylogger onto my computer, which is hooked into our tv. I started finding all these posts on craigslist that he had been following. And even a few that he had made. So I then set up a fake email address, just as he had, and email him at one of the posts. This may sound creepy, and I may have even at times went to far, but I really do love this man, and I had to be sure. After a few days he replied back to me saying how he couldn't send any pictures of himself until he got to better know me. He said he was off the next day and could meet around 4:30 ( I went into work at 4.) I end up getting a phone number out of him, which is Matts number. And I end up telling him I knew everything that was going on. I beat myself up all the time wishing I had just called in the next day and went to meet him. Because after he tells me he wasn't going to meet any of these people, that he just used them so they would send him nude pictures.

 

About three times a year he goes to his parents house in Ohio (we live in Virginia.) About a week after he comes back from a weekend trip to their house, Matt and I go to the store to pick up something to cook later that night. We take it out to his car, which we took, and I go to the back end with my set of keys to open the trunk. He then jumps me, saying how there wasn't room back there and that it would be best to put them into the back seat of his car. With everything that had already happened I knew something was going on. He then, knowing I knew something was going on, lied to me telling me that there was an empty box of condoms in the trunk that had been there since we got together, and that he knew with the way I was that I would get upset and think the worse. First, we had been together almost a year by this point, in which, many times he had cleaning out his car. Next, he was right. I did think the worse. Well, knew is more like it.

 

So one night while he was asleep I went out and got the box from his trunk, and googled how to read when they were made. Not only were they made while he were together, but this type of trojan condom hadn't even been out but for a few months. I then tell him everything I know, which was a lot more than I feel needful to type out here. And I tell him I love him, and am willing to once again try and make things work if he will come clean of it all, and stop with the lies and cheating.

 

Most everything he told me was things I already knew, or things that just didn't matter to our relationship at all. So as, he tried blaming it on how he was as a child, and how he just loved to see a nude male body. He mostly just had himself a pity party to get me to feel sorry for him. It worked at the time. We have since talked more about what is on our minds, but still have some things we need to work through.

 

As far as him cheating goes, from the best of my knowledge it has not happened since our last big fight, which I told him either it all came out or I leave. There were a few things that didn't come out, and that he still doesn't know I know about. But for the most part I think he is trying to be more honest with me. There is just a few things I don't understand, and would like some advice on.

 

First. If you have ever been through anything like this. How long does it normally take to get past it, and does it ever stop hurting? Because to tell the truth I feel like I don't matter at all to anyone, and that sometimes just killing myself is the only way to remotely come close to being happy again. I feel that the person I love more than anything doesn't feel the same about me, and only cares for his sexual needs. Thus why our sexual life, for me anyway, mostly seems boring and routine anymore.

 

Second. I'm started to see more and more porn that he is looking up, and even him looking at the craigslist personals again, and he has even lied and said it was the first time since the fight that he had looked at porn. I never use to mind porn, I really didn't. I thought because it had very little meaning to me while I've been in a relationship that it did to everyone else as well. Now however, it kinda worries me when he looks at it because I know that sick pleasures he gets out of those things, and it just makes me want to leave him to his pictures and hand. After all of this, is it normal for me to feel this way over porn? Or should I just mark it up as normal and try to be okay with it?

 

Last. Just what are some ideas that may help me and him to get past this? It has been hard, but I know both of us have come a long way from the place we were, and I just really want it to work if he is being honest. I've tried not bringing it up to him anymore when I have something I want to ask. Mostly because he will get mad, and I also just don't want him to think I'm not trying to move past it. Is that good or bad? Should I open up and ask any time I have something on my mind that he wouldn't want to hear, or should I do my best to just trust that everything is okay now? I'm sorry if this is written bad, or just hard to understand, my mind stays in so many places anymore that sometimes I can't even keep up. I'm just scared, unhappy, and wanting to get back to the great life I use to have with a wonderful guy. I'm just not sure how, or if I can trust them enough to ever do so...

...Josh

[2sure]

Your life partner cheated and worse, betrayed you. Your reactions - like having to dig to find the truth are natural and not wrong. So, dont let anyone tell you they were. Part of the pain of betrayal is what we are made to stoop to to figure out what is going on in our own lives.

 

Your relationship and this crisis is no different that anyone else's here simply because you are not married on paper and gay. All of the ingredients and patterns are the same.

 

You ask how you can get over it, forgive him, and trust again.

Your just not there yet , there is work to do before any of those things can begin. First, everything has to be on the table. He has to acknowledge what he has done, how he feels about it, and if he wants to do the heavy lifting to regain this relationship.

 

If he still "gaslighting" you and not coming clean...you are still in the midst of the betrayal.

 

If he has come clean and shows real regret and remorse...then together you have to figure out why this happened and establish boundaries and communicate what you need from him.

[YellowShark]

I started finding all these posts on craigslist that he had been following. And even a few that he had made.

 

It's one thing to look at porn online, it's TOTALLY another level to solicit for rendezvous on Craigslist.

 

I'm started to see more and more porn that he is looking up, and even him looking at the craigslist personals again, and he has even lied and said it was the first time since the fight that he had looked at porn.

 

Once again it's one thing to look at porn online, it's TOTALLY another level to look at Craigslist personals.... AGAIN. Especially after the first fight about it.

 

Definitely listen to what 2sure said. It couldn't be said better.

[dramaofmylife]

Yes I have been through something similar with my husband due to craigslist and two years later I still cannot completely trust him. Everyone is different, you may never trust him again. I would think that if he is looking at craigslist ads again it is for a reason.

 

I have thought about getting a keylogger myself, can I ask what brand you used and where you found it? Did the keylogger pretty much confirm the browsing history or was he sneaky enough to delete it?

[burning5eed]

Thanks everyone for the advice, it has been very helpful. I'm sure there will always be things about this I don't understand. And the porn is one of those things. It's not something I bring up, but to say I understand it and am okay with it would be a lie. I hear so often males say how it is needed and all this other crap. I'm male, and I've in no way whatsoever needed porn one time while in this relationship. Maybe that is why I don't understand it, because I'm turned on enough by him, and don't need to add other images to my mind and sex life?

 

Do you all think this is something we need to always leave open to talk about, or do you think it's something I should never bring up? Because one of the things that makes it worse than anything is when I'm at work or something, and I think to myself how stupid I was for not asking this or that. Most of the time I do fine with it, but when I'm alone at work, or just sitting in my house, it starts creeping into my mind. I've tried very hard to move past it, because I really do want to trust him again like I use to. Though I'm sure I still have a ways to go...

 

Dramaofmylife, the keylogger will catch everything he types on your computer, and all the sites he goes too as well. I used 'refog'. It doesn't matter if they clear the history or not, they can't clear the logs that it makes unless they have the password to the keylogging program. I'm not sure where I got mine from now, but it was the free demo, so try goggling it. With the keylogger. It was the thing I felt the lowest about using. I understand that needed to know for sure if someone is cheating is very important, but with the keylogger you will see every password typed on your computer as well, and I could understand why someone wouldn't like others knowing those things. I didn't allow myself to getting it until I already knew that he was cheating.

 

Oh, and I'm not sure how good your husband is with a computer, but with the free demo it will not let you completely hide the program. On windows 7 it will put it with the "hidden icons" but will only say '...' instead of the programs name. Matt is very good with computers, and after I had used it for all I needed it for he ended up finding it in the task manager, which I didn't mind after everything I knew that had happened. Most of which I didn't get from the keylogger. I no longer use mine, and plan on removing it from the computer at some point. I guess I just worry that I may end up needing it again. I have mine off though. I think it always runs in the background, but it isn't set to record any of the computer activity.

[melenkurion]

 

First. If you have ever been through anything like this. How long does it normally take to get past it, and does it ever stop hurting? Because to tell the truth I feel like I don't matter at all to anyone, and that sometimes just killing myself is the only way to remotely come close to being happy again. I feel that the person I love more than anything doesn't feel the same about me, and only cares for his sexual needs. Thus why our sexual life, for me anyway, mostly seems boring and routine anymore.

 

 

 

For me, my partner cheated on me twice (that I know of). One was a one night stand while I was away. I got past that completely within about six months, because I was pretty convinced it ultimately meant nothing. He was kind and considerate and humble thereafter, and that helped me through. The one thing he was unable to do was to discuss it in any way at all, it just made him so deeply miserable. With hindsight, I think I was mistaken to indulge him there. I never got to the root of why this happened, so I didn't know what might make it happen again.

 

The second time I know about: way, way different. He started to "fall" for one of our friends, and they met for lunchtime sex sessions. It escalated until tehre was no way I could fail to notice it. That, well, it's pretty unforgivable. I did forgive him, initially, because I love him and I wanted to be with him. We had a civil partnership not that long ago, so we had made a formal commitment.

 

I suppose the point I am making is that a readiness to have the first kind of encounter (just "fun") could mean he has tendencies to get involved emotionally and then indulge in full-on deceit and betrayal. He might not be very good with boundaries?

 

Please, please: don't think about killing yourself over this. You sound such such a decent guy trying to work your way through a horrible thing that has been done to you. I admit to similar thoughts myself each time I uncovered the affair, but they did pass. He is not worth it. When you get those thoughts, call someone. I am sorry, I don't know what the US equivalent of the Samaritans is, but call them if you have to. It helps. If There are people in your life that care deeply for you, and I know it is so hard to realise that while you have this going on. But they do.

[melenkurion]

"If There are people in your life that care deeply for you"

 

was meant to be

 

"There are people in your life that care deeply for you"

 

I am so sorry for that mistake.

[burning5eed]

It is funny you bringing up killing yourself. That is another thing about the whole I don't understand. I do have those thoughts. Very often even. Some days I just want to come home from work, get a nice bubble bath ready and throw a toaster in it. Everything that happened then is his fault, even if there were things from me he wasn't getting. He knew he could talk and that I would be willing to work on anything. But I've never, not one time, wanted to hurt him because of it. It's always been me I've hurt and wanted to hurt. I got upset the other day when I had a dream about beating the life out of him and one of the guys he cheated around with.

 

Me and him talked the other night, and he told me if this was going to be something that in a year or so I couldn't get past that maybe we wouldn't need to stay together. And I honestly don't know if I will be over it in a year. I may not tell him that though. It doesn't help that I'm afraid to talk to him about it either. He tends to get angry when I ask to much about it. There is just so much that I don't understand, and may never, but it would still help for him to try and give me some kind of understanding. I don't know what these people meant to him, or how he could drive almost two hours for something like this. I just need to know what he thought about me during these events. And it's always like he plays it off like he was two different people then and that the scare of me breaking up with him is what has changed him. Maybe it has, but the lack of open communication on the subject is making it once again easier on him, and twice as hard on me.

 

He showed me on the recent craigslist scare I had that I was mistaken. He was on there, but I got that sick, scared, and shaky feeling and didn't look well enough to see if it was for the same things. Sorry, that was a mistake on my part and this time I was wrong. So maybe he is changing!? I still don't understand the porn at all. If he had never cheated on me it wouldn't bother me. It didn't bother me before I found out. Now, it kind feels like he has cheated on me every time I see it open on his computer, and I feel stupid when I bring it up because he plays the victim about it. To some people in some relationships porn may just be porn, but to him it is something different. He likes it in a way that honest to god scares me. Sometimes I think he would rather look at it online than get it with me in person. God knows he spends more time working to get it online. Back then I went through his phone. I've seen hundreds and hundreds of penis pictures between it and his computer. I've seen pictures of random people in public that he took pictures of their feet while they had on flip flops. I've seen pictures of people at his work that we wearing shorts that he tried holding the phone down and getting a picture of whats inside. To others it may just be porn. To him, not so much. And does it seem selfish of me that I don't think I can stay with him if it is something he doesn't work on?

 

The other night I told him if ever we broke up at any point down the road, for whatever reasons. That the only request I had of him was that he never do this to any of the guys he is with after me. I've never hurt this much in my life. And outside of Matt, I most likely love my sister more than anyone else. I told him that I think I would have preferred losing her than what happened with him, that I really think it would have hurt less. That may be sick and sad to think about, but I very much so believe it to be true. Thanks for your words everyone. You really just don't know how nice it is at times just to come on here and let some of it out. Maybe I will be strong enough one day to let him read all the things I've been posting on here so he can know what battle I'm fighting because of his mistakes. It really helps doing this. Sometimes I think about telling someone in my life what all has happened just so I can have one person that I know and can talk to about it anytime I need. I don't think I could do that though. I read online that things like that end up making your friends take sides, or something like that. I remember when Matt and I first started falling in love, well me falling in love with him, I'm not really sure at this point what he has felt about me when. I just know he loves me now. Anyway, I remember telling him that I really thought I was so in love with the person he was that I thought I would even stay with him if he cheated on me. It really looks like I know myself. Though I'm sure he would have acted differently if he knew then the hit it would be to ones self esteem. I feel like the worse most nasty animal that has walked the earth, one that need be taken out to the shed and shot, one that no one wants enough to never hurt... I'm going to end this before my unhappy thoughts take up even more unneeded screen space. Again, thanks everyone.

[YellowShark]

It is funny you bringing up killing yourself. That is another thing about the whole I don't understand. I do have those thoughts. Very often even. Some days I just want to come home from work, get a nice bubble bath ready and throw a toaster in it.

 

First of all don't think this way. Please. seek out some counseling to end these destructive thoughts. Secondly the guy who is breaking your heart isn't worth ending your life over. He's not even worth making dinner for! And I am sure that there are a lot of people who love you and would be devastated if you weren't around anymore.

 

Everything that happened then is his fault, even if there were things from me he wasn't getting. He knew he could talk and that I would be willing to work on anything. But I've never, not one time, wanted to hurt him because of it. It's always been me I've hurt and wanted to hurt. I got upset the other day when I had a dream about beating the life out of him and one of the guys he cheated around with.

 

I know how you feel. My EX broke my heart when she cheated with one of my best friends who was married with a pregnant wife. It would have been easier if she had cheated with strangers.. but she and my ex-good-friend decided to throw me under a bus and betray me for nearly a year. It was like two people I cared for a and loved died. So I know the pain you feel.

 

But once I found out, I decided there and then that I never ever will give either of them the power to hurt me anymore. They are both sick and toxic and I am not. Your partner is a sick and toxic person burning5eed, time to stop letting him have any power in your life. He is damaged goods, time to take him to the dump and leave him there.

 

I feel like the worse most nasty animal that has walked the earth, one that need be taken out to the shed and shot, one that no one wants enough to never hurt... I'm going to end this before my unhappy thoughts take up even more unneeded screen space. Again, thanks everyone.

 

You are not "the worse most nasty animal that has walked the earth." Your sick and toxic cheating partner is. He chose his path, you don't have to follow him down it. He's a piece of garbage who doesn't respect you or himself. Place the blame where it is due, him... NOT YOU. Ok?

Edited November 17, 2010 by YellowShark