A year and little progress

[thevolver]

So, my story goes.

My girlfriend of seven years dumped me for someone last year this time. It had been a great relationship even if it was long distance for the most part ( as she was always away at school, I should also mention she had finally come back for good) and honestly I wanted to marry her. For the record I'm now 27.

 

She had actually dumped me earlier in the year for about a week, and so I thought we were solid as we had gotten past a breakup.

Flash forward to October/ November I had become paranoid because she had been talking a bit more than normal with her then friend (now boyfriend) and I happened to see an email while using her laptop, between her and a female friend (who is good friends with the guy) which revealed that the friend was very subtly trying to get them together. Of course when I highlighted this she brushed it off but it left me slightly paranoid and agitated which in the next few weeks gave her an excuse to dump me.

 

The first few months after the breakup I had learned to deal with it thinking that there was still hope and she wouldn't be seeing anyone for a bit. I remained cordial, texted her happy birthday in December, and we even exchanged christmas gifts through my mother. Flash forward to my birthday in March, when she didnt call or text, I unfortunately got rather upset and I found out the next morning from her (I called anxious) that she was seeing someone, a few weeks from then I found out it was the same guy. Since then I've gone a bit crazy, called her a lot, even had a suicide scare or two (and unfortunately called her during these). Eventually she stopped answering, and when I did get her on the phone, as soon as she heard my voice, she hung up immediately.

 

It was really bad for a little bit as her friends and family who I had held in high regard as my adopted family turned their backs on me, not wanting to speak with her about the whole thing (I got no closure) and interfere with her happiness. Needless to say I became bitter at everyone and everything, but eventually through the help of this forum I got myself to a semidecent state, but that all spiraled out this week when I encountered my ex and she made a deliberate attempt to not look at me or let me come close to her or even acknowledge my presence, of course this hurt a lot but I managed to turn the other cheek and didn't make a scene or break no contact. The only problem is she looked good, she finally got her driver's licence and was doing big things with a charity organization, I wanted her back more than anything.

 

I guess I hoped that she'd become somewhat stagnant but no, she's there flourishing, and I have nothing to show for our time apart, I've gained weight, had a hard time at work and haven't been able to meet anyone i'm interested in, to top it off my friend/ bandmate apparently works for said organization and actually met her boyfriend and likes him, and that makes me uncomfortable, I'm in a band with him and I'm contemplating quitting despite the fact that it's actually possible said band might go places and I really enjoy it.

 

It's now approaching the one year anniversary of her dumping me, of their first year together as an item, her birthday and christmas, and quite frankly i'm in low spirits. Back to losing sleep, spending hours not doing anything and having to lay on the floor to fall asleep.

 

I haven't broken no contact since July and dont intend to, even for her birthday but i'm just so distraught and lonely. I've tried going out, meeting people, sport, exercise and nothing works. And as much as everyone says that time heals all and I will find someone better, I don't believe it as i'm sure that even if I meet the girl of my dreams (somehow miraculously) i'd still be too hung up on my ex. In short i'm a mess and really need some advice other than it will get better soon, because i've lost all faith in that.

[bl22]

It pains me to read this. I know how your feeling, the love of my left has recently left me for someone else and we were together for 2 years.

 

I never deserved this, but I realised that I got too comfortable in the relationship and began to depend on her too much, she was always great to me and we had a really fun and loving relationship until start of oct where she did the same thing, talkin loads to a 'friend' then telling me she has feelings for him and cant be with me.

 

You've got to ask yourself, have you changed since before you met her to who you are now? After 7 years I think its safe to say you might have. You need to get back to the mindset you was in before you met her, and go 1 step further. She won't want to be with you (nor will anyone) until you can love yourself without anyone else involved again. Once you can be proud of yourself, everything will change.

 

Before I met her I was heavily into the gym, and was proud of my hard work...she loved that and my confidence was sky high...but over the time of the relationship i got lazy, stopped going gym because i thought who am i impressing ive got my love, she loves me for me...and yes i became lazy. Since shes left me I dived right back into my gym routine and this time I wont quit...quitters never win.

 

If you had concentrated on being the best possible you since she left you, when you would have seen her a year later, she would have seen the improvements in you, instead you went down the other path but its not too late to proove the world wrong, to be proud of yourself again, to learn from any mistakes youve made and find the right person for you.

 

I bet when you've got to that place, providing you had a good relationship, she will be gutted that shes left you, and you will find better. It just takes discipline and motivation.

[thevolver]

Thanks friend, I will try my best to achieve this and move on.

[thevolver]

Thank you very much Coist, those are very kind words. They mean a great deal to me. I've been reading through this forum and I realize that I made a great deal many mistakes in dealing with the breakup (lashing out at her friends, suicide threats) and possibly could have salvaged the relationship, but there are some things we learn in hindsight, and as much as it pains me at times, she's not a bad person, and if she's happier then in a way it was for the better. I'd love if I could I get her back but sometimes when we're hurt we burn way too many bridges trying to fix something we can't control.

 

As for your situation, I'm very sorry to hear that it did not work out, and I hope that some form of good comes out of it for yourself and child.

 

I know my faults and i'm working to fix them, I truly do think I lost the love of my life, and as such i'll hang around the forum to hopefully prevent other fools from making the same mistakes i've had.

[thevolver]

I went ahead and sent my ex an apology for the way I behaved this year, she may never read it. But a guy can hope.

[thevolver]

I didn't profess my love or indicated that I wanted her back, I only apologized for harassing her and told her I hoped she'd forgive me one day.

 

That's all

 

Thanks for the prayers as well

[thevolver]

I will Coist thanks, don't worry I have no intention of contacting her further, it's in the universe's hands now.

 

I'm letting her go with that, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, if not, it isn't. Either way i'm concentrating on me now .

 

Thanks for the support buddy.

[thevolver]

Hahaha, I see what your'e saying but honestly I don't regret it. There are somethings a man has to do to feel at peace with himself and the universe.

 

Thanks for seeing the progress that I have been unable to see in myself, today has been an epiphany of sorts.

[D-Lish]

E, you have to stop living your life for someone else and start living your life for you. A life pining after someone else isn't a life at all.

 

I want to let you know that one year isn't crazy to be pining after someone after being with them for 7 years. It's normal, but it's not healthy to cling to it.

 

There comes a time in your life when you just need to say "alright, I'm going to turn my life around, I have the ability to change things".

 

You have control over this, don't think you don't.

 

So, she's met someone else, she's moved on- she's not coming back. You can either live your life stuck on that revelation- and stay in limbo... Or you can start the process of recovering.

 

In order to move forward, you have to take a hard look at things, and come to terms with them. Acknowledging that this relationship is over might be hard initially, but it's your first step of recovery. Make this step and ackowledge it's over. This will lead you to harder times initially, but it's the only way. So many people don't cross this bridge because it's too painful- but the alternative is to remain stuck. Believe me, being stuck has worse consequences than dealing with it. You must cross the bridge.

 

So- we gotta get you unstuck first- that's the first hurdle. It's over, it's done- you can find love again, but you have to tackle this now in order to get the ball rolling towards healing.

 

Recovering from a break up requires your participation in the recovery- so you gotta make some moves. What might a plan to move forward look like to you? Furthermore, how can we help? Let's focus on that.

[Coolsbreeze]

I feel for you man, your breakup experience has been very similar to mine. These past 2 months after my breakup has been rough. It has been an extremely tough tough road and i'm still hurting bad at times. What's extremely hard has been the fact that my ex girlfriend a week after breaking things off with me was already in a new relationship with another guy, that she met while she was involved with me. Even after her saying that she didn't have feelings for this guy while she was involved with me really doesn't make me believe her. I guess in the end I just didn't matter that much to her. I was ready to give everything to her and she just picked up and left and didn't even care or look back. She now says that she's happy and content with her life and it hurts knowing that she doesn't want me in it.

 

There were times from the breakup the pain was so hard to bear that I actually thought about driving into a wall to make the pain go away. I mean how could someone you've trusted and loved more then words can describe just cut you deeply and painfully. Also there were times I would cry like a baby every time i saw something that reminded me of her or seeing another happy couple and realizing what I've lost. It seemed like life itself was laughing at my face and the universe was punishing me for loving her. And then there were the dreams. I couldn't get any peace when awake and now I wasn't getting any peace while sleeping. It was as if she was on my mind 24/7. Unfortunately that'll happen to the ones you truly care about.

 

However, there has been some good things to come out of all this. In the end even if she didn't love me I still care about her, even after what she did to me and our relationship, and I truly want her to be happy. In the end everyone deserves to be happy including you. I began to realize that what we had was special but I guess she didn't feel this way. I've also learned that in the future I have to look at people better and to by believing their actions instead of their words in order to see if they truly love me.

[Notsogood]

Good luck on your road to recovery. I am in a similar situation, was with my ex for nearly 6 years, and have been broken up since last June (18 months!! - only just realised its been that long!). I was devastated during the first two months and went through the same motions as you, however, I have been NC since then (past 16 months) with the exception of a text i sent her on her bday and a text she sent me on my bday. I think that is the biggest difference between what I feel now as compared to what you are feeling. I've found that NC has helped me deal with the pain. I'll be honest though, the pain is still there and she is still always lingering in my thoughts but now I have accepted it and I can deal with this pain inside without breaking down. However, I think I have become very cynical about love these days, but that is a small price to pay and one can only hope that some day I will meet someone who will change this!