Why breakup w/MM is harder than other breakups

[SunsetRed]

I am going through a break up with a MM and it is the hardest break up I've ever had. The emotional pain as been so bad I feel it as physical pain throughout my body. One good thing, I finally lost the 10lbs I wanted to lose due to not eating.

 

My guy was separated when I met him. He had been separated 3 years.

We dated for a year and a half and then as the divorce papers were being finalized and the wife realized what she was giving up and that another woman was going to have him, she freaked and begged him to come back. She brought up the kids, the house etc and he ended up going back to her.

 

He said he went back because of financial reasons and that they aren't having sex and are living separate lives and he still wants to see me, yet I'm not allowed to call him at the house and other BS. I won't date him now as he's a married man living with his wife regardless of what he says.

 

Well, it's over even though we've broken NC a few times, I am wanting this to be over for the sake of my sanity.

 

Well, back to my original question, why are break ups with separated/married men so hard? This break up has been worse than my divorce. I've heard this from other woman in this situation as well. lol, everyone loses weight after one of these break ups.

 

My rationale is that I divorced my husband because he was a really bad person/husband to me. I didn't want him anymore because he was so horrible to me. Separated men and MM know how to act in a good husbandly way to a woman (duh, because they are married, just not to you) and the way they treat you pulls you in, because it's what you were looking for all along.

 

Anyway, I am working at being over my guy and I am not expecting him to come back nor do I plan to wait. Just the pain sucks rt now.

[TigerCub]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting.

 

To answer your question. I believe its harder to break up and get over these men because for the most part, your time with them was good and its not like you broke up because they were bad to you (as you pointed out)

 

SO since there is no real problem issues (as with normal Rs), its harder to get over them.

 

But I think in order to be able to move on, and try to get past it, you need to remind yourself that he CHOSE her over you.

That's what I was telling myself to get over xMM. Because that thought hurts and it drives me to find someone that will choose me.

 

I don't care if they have kids (even in your case), oh boo f'n hoo, so what? so many people divorce and can raise their kids even if they are apart. But his W begged and pleaded and used the "kids" to manipulate the situation and he went back - and even if he says that he went back for finances or whatever, that doesn't change the fact that he went back to her.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. I know what that's like.

But yeah, what makes it harder to get over them is that for the most part the relationship with the MM was good, and its not like you broke up because you hate each other - that's what makes it so hard.

Also, usually in these cases, the chemistry is off the charts, and that stays in our minds for a while.

 

I wish you the best in moving on. You should be proud of yourself for not continuing with him after he went back.

[sally4sara]

My guess is that it is harder because if the competitive angle that comes into play and you didn't seek that dynamic. some women do and thrive on it but this guy was long since separated (as far as you've shared) when you decided to date him.

This is what is making it harder for you because you stepped into a relationship you thought was a more normal style due to his having been separated for so long. You didn't seek out to compete. You got your feelings invested. There was time put in for him to know more about you and what you have to offer.

 

Then BAM in comes the competitive you VS her with him weighing the options and he opted for her.

 

Sucks.

[YellowShark]

He said he went backbecause of financial reasons and that they aren't having sex and are living separate lives and he still wants to see me, yet I'm not allowed to call him...

 

Gosh. Never EVER read that line before on Loveshack...

 

But his W begged and pleaded and used the "kids" to manipulate the situation and he went back - and even if he says that he went back for finances or whatever, that doesn't change the fact that he went back to her.

 

And the evidence of the wife's manipulation is where? In the carbon dioxide that came out of his mouth.

 

He chose to go back, after a 3-year separation! I bet a nice candle-lit dinner his wife didn't "manipulate" him to come back one bit.

Edited November 12, 2010 by YellowShark

[2sure]

Its probably harder because he was separated and not living with his wife for years when you met him and dated him. He felt available to you...you had no reason to keep your guard up and every reason to be disappointed.

 

When the end of an affair or a marriage happens because the partner has chosen either their spouse or the other person...its harder than just breaking up because ...they decided to give you up for someone else. They decided the other person was worth it, or at least thats the way it feels.

[TigerCub]

And the evidence of the wife's manipulation is where? In the carbon dioxide that came out of his mouth.

 

He chose to go back, after a 3-year separation! I bet a nice candle-lit dinner his wife didn't "manipulate" him to come back one bit.

 

haha - I guess its just me, but whenever a person brings the kids into it - it is a form of manipulation, its a way to make the other person feel guilty about not wanting to work it out.

 

But you certainly could be correct and that no manipulation was needed, especially since the xMM is telling Sunset that he was going back for financial reasons and he didn't even bother using the old "for the kids" excuse.

[SunsetRed]

LOL, Yellowshark, you are right...all the lines are the same. I've been searching for other posts about women involved with separated men who go back to their wives and all the stories and all the lines the guys use are exactly the same. What's also the same is the pain. Every single woman who posted mentioned the emotional pain being physical.

 

I think it's because of what TigerCub and I were saying, the relationship didn't end because they was bad to us (well, in retrospect they were) it ended because of extenuating circumstances and these guys cry and tell us how we are the best thing they've ever had and they hate to lose us but blah blah blah has happened.

 

I do see now that what these guys are doing is all a show, like Tigercub said in her post. 99% of these guys are NEVER going to show up on our doorsteps with divorce papers in their hands saying "You're the one, I'm here for you now." It's never going to happen so unless we want to live the rest of our lives with a broken heart, then we have to let it go.

 

LOL, my guy says he's "living in the garage not having sex and he's just there to make the house payment so his kids don't have to move out of the house" His kids are 21 and 16. My answer to him..."Hey, if you want to spend the rest of your life living in a garage, not having sex, giving your entire paycheck to an unemployed woman that you put through school, then knock yourself out. That's YOUR life, its not my life."

[carhill]

Well, back to my original question, why are break ups with separated/married men so hard?

 

You grieve what never was, what had yet to occur, the potential unlived. There is no completion; aspects remain unrequited; desires unfulfilled.

 

 

Generally, men operate with a completely different psychology about life, societal status and without the substantial support network which women enjoy. Their home, their M, their kids, are their support network and their security; the rock from which they launch themselves into a brutally competitive world where weakness can mean disaster.

 

Once a man overcomes his fear of loss and develops a healthy support network outside the home, divorce is much easier. That has been my experience and what has been related to me by most men my age in my social circle who are now divorced.

[TigerCub]

LOL, my guy says he's "living in the garage not having sex and he's just there to make the house payment so his kids don't have to move out of the house" His kids are 21 and 16. My answer to him..."Hey, if you want to spend the rest of your life living in a garage, not having sex, giving your entire paycheck to an unemployed woman that you put through school, then knock yourself out. That's YOUR life, its not my life."

 

His kids are 16 and 21?!

Ok, YellowShark, you were definitely right, no kids used for manipulation purposes in this example

 

haha, good for you Sunset, that's the best response ever!!

living in a garage?! give me a ****in break! - oyii - this guy isn't even as good an actor as some of the other MMs.

If he's not careful, they're gonna kick him out of the Sleazy MMs Club

[YellowShark]

LOL, my guy says he's "living in the garage not having sex and he's just there to make the house payment...

 

What a load of crap. He can make house payments from anywhere on earth and his kids can then stay in the house.

 

....giving your entire paycheck to an unemployed woman that you put through school, then knock yourself out. That's YOUR life, its not my life."

 

It's his wife. He HAS to support her - AND THE KIDS - financially, that's his RESPONSIBILITY! He's not doing her "a favor" by supporting her financially. Yet another lame deflection by your MM for going back to his wife after 3 years of separation.

[spice4life]

LOL, Yellowshark, you are right...all the lines are the same. I've been searching for other posts about women involved with separated men who go back to their wives and all the stories and all the lines the guys use are exactly the same. What's also the same is the pain. Every single woman who posted mentioned the emotional pain being physical.

 

I think it's because of what TigerCub and I were saying, the relationship didn't end because they was bad to us (well, in retrospect they were) it ended because of extenuating circumstances and these guys cry and tell us how we are the best thing they've ever had and they hate to lose us but blah blah blah has happened.

 

I do see now that what these guys are doing is all a show, like Tigercub said in her post. 99% of these guys are NEVER going to show up on our doorsteps with divorce papers in their hands saying "You're the one, I'm here for you now." It's never going to happen so unless we want to live the rest of our lives with a broken heart, then we have to let it go.

 

LOL, my guy says he's "living in the garage not having sex and he's just there to make the house payment so his kids don't have to move out of the house" His kids are 21 and 16. My answer to him..."Hey, if you want to spend the rest of your life living in a garage, not having sex, giving your entire paycheck to an unemployed woman that you put through school, then knock yourself out. That's YOUR life, its not my life."

 

Living in the "garage and no sex"? Lol! Yeah, that has been said a few times on these type of forums. It sounds like you dodged a bullet because who would want a man who allows himself to be treated that way? I also highly doubt that is where he is sleeping. This is just another example of a guy who is willing to say anything (no matter how freakin dumb it makes him sound) to get his cake and eat it too.

 

Just for fun, you should tell him to invite you over when she's not there, to show you his new digs. I'm kidding of course, but it would be funny to hear his reaction.

 

Don't worry, keep focusing on this kind of stuff and you will get through this much faster than you realize.

Edited November 12, 2010 by spice4life

[Mystery Man]

Well, I'm new to the forum and not at all an expert on this.

 

As those of you who read my own post know I'm having an affair with a married woman right now.

 

But maybe it's harder because a divorce is the end of a relationship that didn't work out, and the end of an extramarital affair is the end of something beautiful that never was.

 

So much hopes, dreams and fantasies that almost came to be but ultimately didn't.

 

Plus the resentment when you realize all the emotional energy, the hopes, the thoughts, the time spent agonizing over him/her, the fantasies....time wasted that should be spent on living your own life and finding a great partner instead.

 

See, I almost convinced myself to end it with my MW.

But I love her too much.

 

Hope this makes sense. English is not my native language.

[blizzard]

I think because it usually ends abruptly. Lots of stones unturned. And the grief is isolating. It's difficult to discuss so you carry the baggage around for so long dealing with it in your own way. Also, you were led to believe that your relationship would evolve...until AP returns to spouse in a blink.

[myname]

Well, I'm new to the forum and not at all an expert on this.

 

As those of you who read my own post know I'm having an affair with a married woman right now.

 

But maybe it's harder because a divorce is the end of a relationship that didn't work out, and the end of an extramarital affair is the end of something beautiful that never was.

 

So much hopes, dreams and fantasies that almost came to be but ultimately didn't.

 

Plus the resentment when you realize all the emotional energy, the hopes, the thoughts, the time spent agonizing over him/her, the fantasies....time wasted that should be spent on living your own life and finding a great partner instead.

 

See, I almost convinced myself to end it with my MW.

But I love her too much.

 

Hope this makes sense. English is not my native language.

 

Oh yes it makes sense.

 

The hopes still, the thoughts that if you'd tried harder, then it could've been so much more. The anger at everything you've invested, all the trying hard you've done and all for nothing. The memories of the sweet times keeping you from being able to let go, the memories of the disappointments stirring up resentment.

 

It's really hard, I've never struggled so much with a break up as I am now, and only 3 days into no contact too.

[BB07]

You would think that a relationship with a guy who had been separated for 3 years would be reasonably safe.

 

I have to ask (of course it's my cynical nature coming through considering what happened to me with the mm who I thought was separated), anyway.......are you positive he was really separated for that length of time??

 

I'm sorry for you pain hon........and I would bet that you are like me and a few others on here, you will request a copy of the divorce papers next time.

[steelknife]

I think because it usually ends abruptly. Lots of stones unturned. And the grief is isolating. It's difficult to discuss so you carry the baggage around for so long dealing with it in your own way. Also, you were led to believe that your relationship would evolve...until AP returns to spouse in a blink.

 

everything said here is damn right to the point for me. and yes youre left in disbelief with mouth wide open asking yourself "did just that really happen??" and you keep asking questions that no one can answer...

[GreenEyedLady]

He said he went back because of financial reasons and that they aren't having sex and are living separate lives and he still wants to see me, yet I'm not allowed to call him at the house and other BS. I won't date him now as he's a married man living with his wife regardless of what he says.

 

Well, back to my original question, why are break ups with separated/married men so hard? This break up has been worse than my divorce. I've heard this from other woman in this situation as well. lol, everyone loses weight after one of these break ups.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting.

 

His reasons are his reasons and they are important to him.

 

I don't really understand the posters putting him down for the reasons he gave. Isn't that what the BS's say on infidelity? That their WS is responsible and has a duty to try and make the M work? And stick around for the kids? I think they are legitimate excuses and something that he obviously feels he has to do, regardless of how he feels about you.

 

You were ready to move on from your M. That's why it didn't hurt. You weren't ready for this to happen to you. It's really not any different from being with a single guy you love madly and can't or won't commit. Treat it as any other break-up.

 

Big hugs to you. It will get better. Take care of yourself. You loved someone and it didn't work out. That happens to everyone at some point in their life. Good luck to you!

 

GEL

[fooled once]

I am going through a break up with a MM and it is the hardest break up I've ever had. The emotional pain as been so bad I feel it as physical pain throughout my body. One good thing, I finally lost the 10lbs I wanted to lose due to not eating.

 

My guy was separated when I met him. He had been separated 3 years.

We dated for a year and a half and then as the divorce papers were being finalized and the wife realized what she was giving up and that another woman was going to have him, she freaked and begged him to come back. She brought up the kids, the house etc and he ended up going back to her.

 

He said he went back because of financial reasons and that they aren't having sex and are living separate lives and he still wants to see me, yet I'm not allowed to call him at the house and other BS. I won't date him now as he's a married man living with his wife regardless of what he says.

 

Well, it's over even though we've broken NC a few times, I am wanting this to be over for the sake of my sanity.

 

Well, back to my original question, why are break ups with separated/married men so hard? This break up has been worse than my divorce. I've heard this from other woman in this situation as well. lol, everyone loses weight after one of these break ups.

 

My rationale is that I divorced my husband because he was a really bad person/husband to me. I didn't want him anymore because he was so horrible to me. Separated men and MM know how to act in a good husbandly way to a woman (duh, because they are married, just not to you) and the way they treat you pulls you in, because it's what you were looking for all along.

 

Anyway, I am working at being over my guy and I am not expecting him to come back nor do I plan to wait. Just the pain sucks rt now.

 

I am sorry you are hurting.

 

haha - I guess its just me, but whenever a person brings the kids into it - it is a form of manipulation, its a way to make the other person feel guilty about not wanting to work it out.

 

But you certainly could be correct and that no manipulation was needed, especially since the xMM is telling Sunset that he was going back for financial reasons and he didn't even bother using the old "for the kids" excuse.

 

AGREE!!!

 

What a load of crap. He can make house payments from anywhere on earth and his kids can then stay in the house

 

It's his wife. He HAS to support her - AND THE KIDS - financially, that's his RESPONSIBILITY! He's not doing her "a favor" by supporting her financially. Yet another lame deflection by your MM for going back to his wife after 3 years of separation.

 

AGREE!!

 

I don't really understand the posters putting him down for the reasons he gave. Isn't that what the BS's say on infidelity? That their WS is responsible and has a duty to try and make the M work? And stick around for the kids? I think they are legitimate excuses and something that he obviously feels he has to do, regardless of how he feels about you.

 

 

actually, from what I see on the infidelity forum, I see betrayed spouses saying quit lying, quit trying to manipulate the situation and man up.

 

I don't see wife's saying "you owe me and should make the marriage work". In fact, quite the opposite. I see many BS's who toss the cheater out on his butt, yet he does everything he can to worm his way back in. Many BS's have written how they see the lies and manipulation the cheater does to the OW - how he lies about the state of the marriage, how he lies about the lack of sex, etc.

 

In THIS case, the guy was 'separated' for 3 years and after having a relationship with someone else, he decides to go back to his wife because of a sense of duty? Where was the sense of duty for 3 years? Where was his concern for his children then?

 

I don't see betrayed spouses wanting to guilt the cheater into coming home - they want him to come home because that is what he WANTS, not because he feel duty bound. No one wants to be with someone who doesn't want them (or should I clarify that to "most people" since I don't want to make a generalization).

 

This cheaters kids are 21 and 16! They are 2 and 5. Maybe he found out how much alimony he would have to pay and that is why he went back? Maybe he realized he loved his wife? Maybe he is a chicken to start a new life? Maybe he is just a coward?

 

But I agree with Yellow - he can pay the mortgage from anywhere - he doesn't have to "live in a garage" to do that.