purpleplanet Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I've been dating a guy for about 5 months. He's 30, I am 28. The relationship has been very up and down, there are several issues. We met online, and he put on his profile that he lives in City A, about 21 miles from where I live & work, not too far. It was only after several dates that I found out he lives in City B, about 60 miles away - and works in City A, so spends most of his time there. If I had known this, I would not have responded to his online message - I like lots of attention and time with my partner, and am not interested in a long distance relationship. Regardless, by the time I found out, I had a major crush and he made it seem like it was not a big deal, so I continued seeing him. He mentioned that past relationships did not work out because of his focus on his career. But at 30, he's ready to put the time in to make it work. However, I'm not sure we have the same idea of how much time should be spent on a relationship. He's got a very different idea of time management: he doesn't mind showing up late, and regularly says he'll be at my house in 30-45 minutes (the time it takes to drive from City A), then shows up 2 hours later. But since he's the one going out of the way to come to my house, I'm not really entitled to mention that this inconveniences me, since it's nothing compared to his inconvenience of driving 20 miles. And yes, I know it's more than 30 miles to his house. Then, when he gets to my house, it's 8 or 9 p.m., he is usually tired, has a headache, or needs to finish up some work. Some days he won't even kiss me, other than a quick peck on the lips. When I ask for a kiss, he says, "sure," then continues whatever he is doing. Sex is rare, he turns me down so often for the reasons listed above that I rarely ask anymore. My big complaint is that I don't get enough attention from him. We got into an argument where he complained that I am being selfish for not understanding his work schedule, that he always comes to my house and I don't show any appreciation for that (I admit, when his ETA is so far off, I am annoyed, though I try not to show it and do not nag him). He thinks that I want him to be where I want, when I want, that I just want things "my way." I told him from the beginning that the long distance thing is hard for me, and recently said that I wasn't sure that I could spend the rest of my life with someone with so little free time. He responded that he comes over almost every night - but as I said, he is tired/headache/still working, to me this is not quality time. Or even free time, really. There's a lot of good things in the relationship. But it seems our needs are mismatched. Or am I just smothering him? How much attention and quality time is a reasonable amount to ask for?
carhill Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 LOL, I've lived 20 miles from 'town' for most of my adult life, and own a business, and still manage to make it on time to personal commitments like 'dates', down to the minute. I wonder if his clients are as forgiving as you are. I think not. His talk says he's willing to put in the time for a relationship but his actions disagree with your sensibilities about same. Actions are what matter. My biggest frustration at your age was all the women chasing those 'ambitious' guys who had no time for relationships and blowing by the guy who had his ambitions and personal life balanced and prioritized in a healthy way. Up to them what they're attracted to. I hope it has worked out well for them. Choose your path. Own your path. Decide if this man is on your path or not. Go with that. Good luck
Author purpleplanet Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 Yeah I think I know where this relationship is going. I guess I just want to see if I'm being selfish or needy about wanting more time together. Selfish people don't know they're being selfish, right? And also, I don't want to be one of those women that are impossible to please. He says he's trying... but you're right, it's the actions that speak louder.
saxon2901 Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I think you're problem here is that you're not being selfish enough! Sure you don't want to be overly demanding - I'm the same but sometimes you do have to demand what you need and if they can't give you what you really need then what's the point. Imagine what you're life is going to be like in 2 or 10 years from now if he can't give you the things you need now. It'll only get harder! And if you set the standard low at the beginning you can't really expect things to improve! Don't settle for second best! You'll regret it in the end!
ComeUndone Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 How often do you make the drive to his place? My bf is similar to yours in that he is always late.... always. It's very frustrating but TBH I don't know that it would ever change if I give him an ultimatum. He's just this way. That's not to say he couldn't be on time if he wanted to, because of course he could if he had to. He's just not a timeline kinda guy, and considering I knew that when I started dating him I still don't make too big an issue of it. Being upset with your bf is only going to put you in a worse mood when he is around, so you have to decide if this is something you can live with. As for the lack of sex, well if it's truly work related then that's one thing I guess. Is this a 'temporary' work related situation, like he's just about to close a deal or something like that?
Star Gazer Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 60 miles is long-distance?? Really?? 20 miles should not cause him to be 2 hours late.
D-Lish Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 Do you ever make the effort to go to his place? Do you not drive?
Author purpleplanet Posted November 15, 2010 Author Posted November 15, 2010 (edited) I go to his house sometimes, but all he owns is an air mattress - yes, like a Coleman camping mattress - and a 42" TV. There's not a stool, chair, sofa, or even a TV stand, it's just on the floor. He says he left all his furniture with his ex, but that's been almost a year ago. The house is empty and depressing and 60 miles from my office... I'm not there often, though I do offer, my house is closer to everything we do - meaning, closer to his friends and my friends and the cities we hang out in. He lives very far out from all of that, whereas I am more in the middle. Edited November 15, 2010 by purpleplanet
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