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[aewwez]

Hey all, just want to thank you for any thoughts in advance.

 

I am a 22 year old guy that has been with a girl, we will call her Jen, for about a year now. Up untill a few weeks ago everything had been great as far as I knew. Problem is that Jen had quite the reputation as a deceptive person and this had coome out several times throughout our relationship. I had tried to communicate many different times to her about honesty and how important it is to build trust in a relationship. Anyways we had a few bumps as I would imagine most do. About a week or two ago. About a week or two ago I caught her being sneaky with her phone... turning it off next to me and whatnot. I knew somthing was up despite her swearing there was nothing. I found out that night she was talking to another guy. When I found out I was really upset as you can imagine. I loved this girl more then anyone Id ever been with. She has been through so terrible things, and i have always tried to support her. She tells me hoow scared she is to be hurt by guys because her ex cheated and had a baby with another girl while she was with him. After all of this I told her not to speak to me. Of course a week or so later I end up seeing her. She tells me that she needs to figure out why she lies and talks to guys, and that she thinks its for the attention and that shes scared of being hurt again. I asked if she could finally start telling me the truth about things and to my suprise she actually came clean about a lot. She also told me that she kissed the guy she was talking to that night I caught her...only a few days after she saw that hiding it from me and lying to me broke my heart. It gave me hope she was finally ready to start being honest with me but it hurt a lot too. All in all it ended and she went home telling me we could still talk but she needed to figure things out. Why she lied, why she needed to talk to other guys. She also told me that she is not hapy with herself and that she could not give me the love I needed and desered until she was. She called me that night and I told her that I couldn't talk to her anymore....it has been far too painful for me to her her voice and know what happened. I loved this girl so much and never saw this comming. At this point she told me that she loved me more than anything and that she only wanted to be with me....but I toldher it was too late for that now. I have a strong suspicion shes still talking to the guy, but she swears she isnt. I guess I shouldnt even care at this point. I cant trust her that shes not. I told her she had already damaged us beyond repair and I wouldnt be on the backburner for her. If she wanted to see other guys fine but come clean and say it. I told her I wouldnt be an option for her and we ended the call around there...she was very upset.

To me, if she really loved me would she have needed time to think about if she wants to be with me? How do you let someone you love go when they are going through a difficult time…shouldnt you stick with them? How do you kiss the guy at a bar that you were hiding from your bf when you know bacaause of that guy you broke his heart.

 

I guess Im just looking for validation that I did the right thing. Can I ever talk to her again i dont know bu I do know right now its too painful. I felt sick the past week...literaally throwing up and not eating. She was my best friend and the only girl Ive really fallen for. I miss her more than anything but I know. communicating only makes the pain worse.

 

Edit: sorry about thread name i was told to change it and i accidently submitted it after the first letter!! Cant seem to rename it if a mod could do it for me!! Thanks

Edited November 12, 2010 by aewwez
thread name sucks

[brown03]

OK iunno in this situation it sounds like she has problems and no just because she is talking with other guys and kissed one doesn't mean she doesn't love you. A lot of girls can be very down about them self s and think they are ugly and they attention from guys makes them feel better about them selves. And I have been in a year relationship and around this point you stop complimenting each other more and more so maybe that's her problem.

 

But in my opinion on this one no I don't think your doing the right thing if this girl is the first person you have ever fell for I think you should at least see whats up. It seems like she genuinly cares because she is saying i don't want to do this to you again so maybe I should take some time to figure out why I do it. Thats smart if anything that just means she loves you that much more because she wants to figure it out obviously it hurt her enough to want to change which alot of the time is hard to get out of a women.

 

Also I don't understand why everyone thinks that if a girl wants to take a break that they dont love them anymore. It does not mean this at all it just means that they want to work on them selves because there is something they don't like about themselves. Believe me I thought over and over again kept asking for another chance in my relationship because i thought i could change well in it and I was wrong. And I got to the point where she couldn't handle it and she left and since she did I have improved on every aspect of my life.

 

Don't take it personally it sounds like this girl really loves you. She is trying now I am not saying since I said his go crawl back to her because I believe that if she really loves you it wont stop there she will keep trying. Just don't make it that hard for her I guess allow her to make it up to you. Iunno this is just what I think like it's just a kiss it's not like she went and screwed this guy and people make mistakes how do you know she didn't pull away after a couple seconds? I say cut her some slack and atleast allow her to show you she cares. Cause it really sounds like it.

[Don Ho]

Sorry this is making you sick. I don't think it matters if she "loves" you or or that she's been cheated on or whatever in the past. She has problems Bro. Sorry to say, but as much as it hurts you now, you're best off letting her go. Otherwise six months, a year down the road or when ever she will do something to break your heart again and it will only be worse. One of the first rules of dating is never get emotionally involved with a "fixer" or one that's broken. That's what you have here. You can try to work it out with her, but I honestly think you're just going to end up with more heartache with this one. Good luck.

[PegNosePete]

You did the right thing. She wanted you to be a backup plan while she explored other options. You told her you wouldn't stand for that bullsh*t, which caused her to throw her toys out the pram because she couldn't have her way.

 

Well done dude, you seem to have your head screwed on right, and yes NC is the way to go.

[Hhhh]

What is brown03 saying? LOLLL

 

You did the right thing. She obviously doran't love you enough if she's wanting to talk and kiss other guys. There isn't anything to figure out, if she bails she does't love you if she stays and stops she loves

[aewwez]

Thanks for the opinions guys, really helps me think about it in different ways. I haven't talked to her all day and its pretty tough. There are a lot of what ifs in my mind. What if she finally was ready to start being honest with me? She started when there was really no need to after everything had been destroyed. I know she cares about me a lot, and I obviously care about her a lot. What if she really was serious about she only wanted me? Can I ever be sure. If I ever got back with her i dont know if I could ever kick the nervous feeling. She tried to call me today...should I hear what she has to say?

 

Another thought...I told her I needed to not talk to her anymore because she caused me far too much pain. She said she didn't want to hurt me anymore or cause anymore pain in my life. If she ever thought she made a mistake might her not wanting to cause me any pain prevent her from ever coming back. I cant picture never speaking to her again, but one part of me says that I need to not speak to her untill I'm over her...but i dont know if that will ever be soon. Another part says to at least give her some sort of light chat...especially since she has just dealt with deaths in the family.

[aewwez]

I don't think that she has already had sex with him because of her past and because she wont have sex outside of a relationship....AFAIK. But yes, you're right, the thought does upset me...A LOT. And I know, if I keep giving her chances I do look weak. I have known that since the very first lie. But the thing is what if she has turned around? Am I going to miss out because I'm scared to try again. I know for a fact this girl cares about me. And even after she talked to this guy and I caught her she told me she would do anything to take back the pain she caused me. She told me I was the most amazingly caring man she had ever known. We also said if it didn't work out between us (because love isn't always enough or what not) that she would always be there for me. She said if she ever had to move on to a new guy and me to a new girl that she would tell this guy about me first and foremost and make it clear that I needed to be in her life. And to some degree I believe this because she made it clear to me when I first started dating her that her best friend was a guy and she would not stop talking to him for anyone...which i respect, understand, and would never ask her to do

[aewwez]

Hmm I think thats probably very wise advice...If it is meant to be it will be in time... One thing I should note...because of her medicines, and her past...her sex drive is very low...and I understand completely. She admitted to me that a lot of times she had sex with me to make me happy because she didn't want to damage the relationship, and I have tried to be as understanding as possible. Reason I say this is she did not use sex to get what she wanted from me. Despite the lies I know that she has more self respect than that. She is a beautiful girl and she knows how to make a guy wait for it until she is sure that the guy is not just trying to have sex and then leave her. She made me anyways!!

Edited November 13, 2010 by aewwez

[aewwez]

Just to wrap this up she actually just called me while she was with another guy. I think that prettt much sums everything up. Thanks all time to kick her ass to the curb.

[brown03]

What is brown03 saying? LOLLL

 

You did the right thing. She obviously doran't love you enough if she's wanting to talk and kiss other guys. There isn't anything to figure out, if she bails she does't love you if she stays and stops she loves

 

 

 

Yeah this is kinda what I was trying to go for saying to let her atleast fight and make it up to him. And personally i don't think someone can't love you if they cheat you have no clue who they are and what they are thinking. They could be drunk they could be upset at the time not thinking properly and or maybe she is not getting something somewhere else- ex. Compassion, sex, love, compliments, Makes her feel good about her self. Who Knows people do stupid things at moments of weakness.

[brown03]

OK wait why with she with this guy and why was she calling you well he was there? Like was she having sex with him and why was she calling you?

[aewwez]

She was watching a movie with him It was her guy friend.....she was apparently trying to get a reaction out of me.....anyways there's really no hope of fixing it we are just not meant for each other and if it was meant to be in time it will be. I can't and won't force it and I can't change what happens. There is no point in trying to salvage it at this point to me because to me after all of this has happened it doesn't seem like she is the kind of girl I will or want to marry. I need to find that girl. We spoke and both agreed that there was just too much working against us and the only hope of it ever working was to let the relationship go and if at some point in the far future we wanted to try it again we could but for now it was best to see other people and end the relationship.

[aewwez]

Thanks for all of your help guys....it really helped me think a little more clearly...and more "outside" the relationship. Another question...I know that many of your frown apon continuing a friendship. But I also know that it is because many people stay "friends" with the hope of getting back together. I'm not going to completely say I never want to be with her ever again but now is not the time. Would it be a bad thing to keep her as a friend. I'm not sure how I would feel about her with another guy and she told me she would be uneasy to see me with another girl. Is it worth a shot if we both try to put each other in the friend category. Should I wait some time before seeing her. I don't want to go back where I was...and I think I realize much more clearly we just aren't meant for each other relationship wise right now. Is a friendship with this girl logical. I'd like to make it work in that she is an important part of my life even though she isn't "the one" Thoughts?

[PegNosePete]

No, don't be friends with her. Why would you? She cast you aside to try out another guy. If you continue a friendship you are simply allowing yourself to be the backup plan again. If you're not totally over her (as in, can see her with another man, and she can see you with another woman) then she'll just snap her fingers and you'll come running back. Not a good place to be.