NC and feeling very low

[myname]

I asked MM to stop contacting me three days ago, and apart from a short email, and an empty text (which now I think could've been a mistake on his part, he was probably deleting any texts from/to me and pressed send in error) there's been nothing from him and now I'm feeling dreadful.

 

I'm not feeling at all empowered by this right now, it's just making me feel as though he never cared at all. It was all a lie, and now he's got rid of me everything in his world is just rosy.

 

I'm certainly not going to contact him, I know I did the right thing ending it, I wasn't happy and he knew that, but I'm feeling like I never meant anything to him, I was just some silly girl who he could use for distraction and an ego boost. Feeling ugly and stupid, like I am that unimportant and easy to be forgotten and ignored.

 

I know this is crazy thinking, it's just my hope coming round that he did really care and wanting to have a sign of that, but when I originally did this I really didn't do it as a game, or to get a response from him, I did it because I could see no other way forward, I couldn't bear the situation we were in and I had to do something to get myself out of it.

[YellowShark]

...I'm feeling like I never meant anything to him, I was just some silly girl who he could use for distraction and an ego boost. Feeling ugly and stupid, like I am that unimportant and easy to be forgotten and ignored.

 

Could be worse. Really it could be. My EX cheated on me with a MM who lived across the street. He and his wife were part of our close social circle. His wife was pregnant while he was cheating with my EX. I repeatedly helped him with his business, his home, hell, my son even cut his lawn as a favour.

 

So I lost everything, my home, my EX, my family unit, and a guy who I thought was a great friend that had my back. All gone because he and my EX are cheaters who's sexual sense of entitlement trumped everything I held dear to me.

 

The worst part is that he won! He now can bang my EX in my old place, in my old bed, whenever he wants! I'm not there anymore to be in the way. That is a pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

 

So I guess I am saying chin up, don't be used by a USER myname, and it could be waaaay worse.

 

Best of luck.

[myname]

Could be worse. Really it could be. My EX cheated on me with a MM who lived across the street. He and his wife were part of our close social circle. His wife was pregnant while he was cheating with my EX. I repeatedly helped him with his business, his home, hell, my son even cut his lawn as a favour.

 

So I lost everything, my home, my EX, my family unit, and a guy who I thought was a great friend that had my back. All gone because he and my EX are cheaters who's sexual sense of entitlement trumped everything I held dear to me.

 

The worst part is that he won! He now can bang my EX in my old place, in my old bed, whenever he wants! I'm not there anymore to be in the way. That is a pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

 

So I guess I am saying chin up, don't be used by a USER myname, and it could be waaaay worse.

 

Best of luck.

 

Thanks, I see it could be worse. Sorry for what happenned to you, that is painful.

 

I have to remember that it surely was worse to be allowing him to carry on using me while he still had his wife and I still had nothing else. I'm just feeling really down about it all, but I suppose that is to be expected, it's only my third day of no contact.

[YellowShark]

Thanks, I see it could be worse. Sorry for what happenned to you, that is painful.

 

It's a pain that I wish all OW/OM could experience and understand before they shack up with a married AP.

 

I have to remember that it surely was worse to be allowing him to carry on using me while he still had his wife and I still had nothing else.

 

Yup. He is using you AND his wife at the same time. You are "playthings" to him. Sick huh?

 

I'm just feeling really down about it all, but I suppose that is to be expected, it's only my third day of no contact.

 

I've been NC 6 months now and it does get easier! Day three is early days.. and yes, still painful. Just stick to your guns, and remember to never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option.

[myname]

oh, don't wish for things cos they just might happen, when will I ever learn.

 

Just got an email from him, saying he's finding today really difficult (what have people here said about 3 days before) and that he wants to contact me again when he's got more perspective and has something more meaningful to say.

 

I don't know what to do now. I've been longing to hear from him and I don't want to be mean but I also don't want to jump straight back into my role of supporter and enabler.

 

Ok, doing nothing about it for now, but I feel sick with a weird relief and anxiety all mixed up together.

[myname]

It's a pain that I wish all OW/OM could experience and understand before they shack up with a married AP.

 

 

 

Yup. He is using you AND his wife at the same time. You are "playthings" to him. Sick huh?

 

 

 

I've been NC 6 months now and it does get easier! Day three is early days.. and yes, still painful. Just stick to your guns, and remember to never make someone a priority in your life who only sees you as an option.

 

you're so right, if I could have known this pain and mess I would never have got involved, I had no idea what was coming.

 

I do feel like a plaything, one that was discarded when the novelty had worn off, even though it was me who initiated no contact. And I know that my griping now is nothing to what his wife's been and going through.

 

Ok, glad I got your post just now, or I might have been replying to his email. You're right, it's early days, I can't give in so easy so quickly.

 

thanks

[YellowShark]

you're so right, if I could have known this pain and mess I would never have got involved, I had no idea what was coming.

 

So true. Read through the threads in this section. 1% of the time an affair with a MM/MW works out. 99% of the time it ends in hurt, sadness, and disaster.

 

Ok, glad I got your post just now, or I might have been replying to his email. You're right, it's early days, I can't give in so easy so quickly.

 

thanks

 

Yes. Please stay NC. Let him stew in his own juices this time. You are not his emotional tampon OR his toy to use and abuse when he feels like it. Answering him will only shift the balance of power back to him, and you don't want that.

 

Good luck!

[scatterd]

Hang in there give it time and you will feel better remember why you went no contact as time goes by you will feel more in control.You do not want a man that is unfaithfull to his wife someday even if he did commit to you he would do the same.Their is more ffish in the sea and having one that is single and can give you all his love is so much better.Keep tour self busy good luck!

[desertIslandCactus]

Hang in there give it time and you will feel better remember why you went no contact as time goes by you will feel more in control.You do not want a man that is unfaithfull to his wife someday even if he did commit to you he would do the same.Their is more ffish in the sea and having one that is single and can give you all his love is so much better.Keep tour self busy good luck!

 

You will feel more in control, Myname. Try to think of some things you have wanted to do for yourself.. Could be a class, or exercise, or project at home.

 

Most likely you haven't heard the last of him .. But all that matters is that he Knows your side of it and what you have been going through ..

 

Continue with NC and your life, and regain the control .. These relationships cause people to feel lesser than they actually are.

[YellowShark]

These relationships cause people to feel lesser than they actually are.

You do not want a man that is unfaithfull to his wife someday even if he did commit to you he would do the same.

 

EXACTLY. Don't enable his toxic, self-serving lifestyle at your own expense myname. Stay NC.

[myname]

Thanks for the support guys, I'm clinging on to the rocky hard face of no contact no matter how much it's uncomfortable right now

 

Why do I feel like I'm being the utter cow now by not responding though?

[YellowShark]

Why do I feel like I'm being the utter cow now by not responding though?

 

Because you're confused and hurt. But he's married, he's using you, you weren't happy with the situation anyways. So you're not a cow, you're regaining your self-esteem and not giving him the power to hurt you anymore.

 

If he wants to throw his wife under a bus by having affairs let him do it with someone else, you ain't his hooker.

[myname]

This is hard, I daren't log into my email just in case I reply to him.

 

I was so longing for contact from him and then his email came through, but I don't want to get caught up in it all again. I do feel bad about not replying cos he did sound down, and I know how much I wanted to hear from him and he's probably feeling the same. I take no pleasure in thinking of him suffering even though before he contacted I was feeling incredible grief at the thought of him forgetting me and happily getting on with his life.

 

This is all very confusing and difficult. For a while I was trying to think of a reply I could give that would not be mean but also would not be me getting back into enabling him to have two women in his life, but I realise as soon as I reply I'll be invested in getting a response back, and then it's going to be heading straight back into it all. The cycle of hope and disappointment.

 

[YellowShark]

This is hard, I daren't log into my email just in case I reply to him.

 

Ya it's tough. But it's YOUR email inbox, not his. So what if there's an email from him? it's your email inbox, so delete all his emails, remove him from your contact list, or even block him. Take the power back.

 

I do feel bad about not replying cos he did sound down, and I know how much I wanted to hear from him and he's probably feeling the same. I take no pleasure in thinking of him suffering...

 

Suffering? HA! He's not suffering, he's a child and you took one of his toys away - YOU! So he's having a temper tantrum. His temper tantrum is in the form of gushy emails to you proclaiming his undying affection. He'll be *just* fine without you patting him on the head with a reply.

 

...but I realise as soon as I reply I'll be invested in getting a response back, and then it's going to be heading straight back into it all. The cycle of hope and disappointment.

 

Yup. If you reply you give him the power back. He'll know you're hooked and not really serious about it being his wife or you.

[myname]

Ya it's tough. But it's YOUR email inbox, not his. So what if there's an email from him? it's your email inbox, so delete all his emails, remove him from your contact list, or even block him. Take the power back.

 

 

 

Suffering? HA! He's not suffering, he's a child and you took one of his toys away - YOU! So he's having a temper tantrum. His temper tantrum is in the form of gushy emails to you proclaiming his undying affection. He'll be *just* fine without you patting him on the head with a reply.

 

 

 

Yup. If you reply you give him the power back. He'll know you're hooked and not really serious about it being his wife or you.

 

This is helpful, I'm still thinking way too much about him and what's going on for him. I don't know why I do this. Maybe I have some over inflated need for approval wherever it's coming from.

 

Thanks, you're right, I'll just be right back under his spell, waiting for more contact if I reply to him now.

[YellowShark]

This is helpful, I'm still thinking way too much about him and what's going on for him. I don't know why I do this. Maybe I have some over inflated need for approval wherever it's coming from.

 

Actually it's validation. But you don't need his validation, you need a guy who can give you what you need, 100%. Not 50% or 30% or 10%.

 

Thanks, you're right, I'll just be right back under his spell, waiting for more contact if I reply to him now.

 

If he shows up on your doorstep with signed divorce papers then it's game on. If he's still married, and under the same roof, then it's game over. Too much drama for you. Try to look at it that way.

Edited November 12, 2010 by YellowShark

[East7]

 

Just got an email from him, saying he's finding today really difficult (what have people here said about 3 days before) and that he wants to contact me again when he's got more perspective and has something more meaningful to say.

 

.

 

They always come back to see if you are always there "in case".

 

Don't enter in the game and break the NC.

 

He might feel way more miserable than you, believe me!

 

The first 3 days are hell, first 3 weeks painful and then you will feel very different, almost forgetting him.. Come back after 3 weeks if this isn't true

 

Actually, its is a blessing in disguise, he went back to a dysfunctional marriage, while you are free to start a scratch new relationship with a guy who is 100% available for you and will love you without hiding or lying

[East7]

Could be worse. Really it could be. My EX cheated on me with a MM who lived across the street. He and his wife were part of our close social circle. His wife was pregnant while he was cheating with my EX. I repeatedly helped him with his business, his home, hell, my son even cut his lawn as a favour.

 

So I lost everything, my home, my EX, my family unit, and a guy who I thought was a great friend that had my back. All gone because he and my EX are cheaters who's sexual sense of entitlement trumped everything I held dear to me.

 

The worst part is that he won! He now can bang my EX in my old place, in my old bed, whenever he wants! I'm not there anymore to be in the way. That is a pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy.

 

So I guess I am saying chin up, don't be used by a USER myname, and it could be waaaay worse.

 

Best of luck.

 

Wahoo, that's the worse jerk-ish scenario I ever heard. My hat down YS for being so strong after that.

 

I understand why some BS are so resentful to OM even if the OMs are very different.

[jwi71]

This is helpful, I'm still thinking way too much about him and what's going on for him. I don't know why I do this. Maybe I have some over inflated need for approval wherever it's coming from.

 

Thanks, you're right, I'll just be right back under his spell, waiting for more contact if I reply to him now.

 

So BLOCK HIM.

 

When he emails YOU its CONTACT. And that contact sets you back and it HURTS.

 

Prevent it by....deleting and blocking his email, IM, phone...all of it.

 

How many more of these threads do YOU want to write? How many more times will you ALLOW him to contact you and send you right down this very path?

 

NC doesn't open the gates of heaven to let you in, it opens the gates of hell and lets you OUT.

[myname]

I went through a sticky hard patch there, thanks to you lot and reading your posts I feel I've come out of the other side for tonight, I'm sure these confused feelings and finding it hard will come back again, but right now I'm really glad that I've managed to not reply to his email.

 

I thought maybe I should try to look for some validation in myself, not from other people but by thinking that although this is hard, although I made a mistake, I have the opportunity to be strong now, and it takes so little effort really, all I have to do is not contact him. And through doing so little I can respect myself and my strength now even if it has come so late in the day.

 

Thanks for the help in getting to that, I could have easily slipped back today.

[YellowShark]

I went through a sticky hard patch there, thanks to you lot and reading your posts I feel I've come out of the other side for tonight...I could have easily slipped back today.

 

As jwi71 put it...

 

NC doesn't open the gates of heaven to let you in, it opens the gates of hell and lets you OUT.

[fooled once]

Just got an email from him, saying he's finding today really difficult (what have people here said about 3 days before) and that he wants to contact me again when he's got more perspective and has something more meaningful to say.

 

I don't know what to do now. I've been longing to hear from him and I don't want to be mean but I also don't want to jump straight back into my role of supporter and enabler.

 

Ok, doing nothing about it for now, but I feel sick with a weird relief and anxiety all mixed up together.

 

He is fishing. What I don't understand is what is so hard about respecting someone's wishes to NO CONTACT anymore? When are people going to realize that it isn't just about THEIR needs. So he is lonely, so he contacts you - to see if he can talk his way into your bed again.

 

AND YOU are feeling SORRY for him? You are feeling as if it will be MEAN to not respond to his attempt to feed his ego and get his rocks off again? WHAT?

 

Thanks for the support guys, I'm clinging on to the rocky hard face of no contact no matter how much it's uncomfortable right now

 

Why do I feel like I'm being the utter cow now by not responding though?

 

He knows how to play you? WHY do you need to respond to him? To see if he still loves you? To see if he misses you?

 

Let's see - has he told his wife about you? Has he told his wife he has been having an affair? Oh ... wait..."its complicated" right? Complicated marriage, possibly kids? And he can't just dump his wife, right? I mean, he can CHEAT on her, he can LIE to her, but he can't be honest with her, cause that is "complicated"?

 

And he has you feeling sorry for him? Ugh......

 

Yeah, you are just such a cow for not responding to his email about being in contact with you He is such a great guy - cheating on his wife and betraying her trust. But you are the meanie for not replying to his email <<< insert MAJOR sarcasm>>>>

 

WHY do you think you need to respond to him? What do you need to say to him that hasn't already been said? What are you expecting from him? Why are you allowing him to make YOU feel badly for NOT responding to an email from a MARRIED man who is cheating on his wife???

 

So BLOCK HIM.

 

When he emails YOU its CONTACT. And that contact sets you back and it HURTS.

 

Prevent it by....deleting and blocking his email, IM, phone...all of it.

 

How many more of these threads do YOU want to write? How many more times will you ALLOW him to contact you and send you right down this very path?

 

NC doesn't open the gates of heaven to let you in, it opens the gates of hell and lets you OUT.

 

DITTO DITTO DITTO

[PoshPrincess]

o

I don't know what to do now. I've been longing to hear from him and I don't want to be mean but I also don't want to jump straight back into my role of supporter and enabler.

 

 

 

myname, you've got to stay strong! When my ex-MM's wife found out about us I should have ended things there and then. I should have told him to go away and come back when he had sorted his life out. Instead, I stuck by him. Not just because I (stupidly) thought we had a future but because I didn't want it to look like a case of 'when the going get's tough'. I didn't want him to think that now his BW had found out I was like, "Ok, it was fun before but now it's got complicated so I'm walking!" Not only did I stand by him but I lied for him because I didn't want to make things worse for him at home. My biggest regret from that relationship, other than the fact that I could have ruined three innocent people's lives, was that I didn't end it at that point. It would've been REALLY hard but I would have walked away with a little bit of dignity and would have saved myself all the heartache that was to come some months later. The ironic thing is, I was always so cool with him but as soon as I got 'needy' HE was the one who walked because things had become complicated!

 

Hang on in there!!!!!

[myname]

I'm not tempted to contact him at the moment, cos I know that it wouldn't change anything, wouldn't make things ok, wouldn't give me what I need.

 

But I'm feeling really lonely and sad, I really want to have some comfort but have no one to give that to me.

 

It's too black and white to paint him as just the bad guy, I made my choices to be involved when I was, and it doesn't help to think that he was knowingly just playing and using me. Don't know what helps now, nothing really.

[endlessness]

I concur with everything fooled once said.

 

 

my name, everything you wrote could have been written by me. I initiated the NC the first time around, asking him to comply, and when he did, his silence was hurtful because it confirmed my deepest fear that everything was a lie and he never truly cared for me. When we broke the NC and he was going through a rough time, I felt it was my duty to give him all the support, which ultimately left me feeling cheated and empty because, as always, he was getting everything out of the EMR, which was his sanctuary available for him whenever he needed it, while I was settling for the crumbs.

 

You are still thinking very emotionally about this experience, which I did too for a very long while. It's not your duty or your place to do anything for him. He has his wife for that, and if she is not fulfilling her spousal duty, then there are legal options available to dissolve a union that is not working. There is no situation so complicated that justifies a man cheating on and lying to two women just because he feels unfulfilled. He is not a victim of any circumstance, he is just selfish and/or cowardly. Staying in a marriage is a choice. Pursuing an affair as opposed to taking the necessary steps towards establishing a healthy, committed relationship with another person - be that person his spouse or OW - is a choice too. That's the bottom line, regardless of how you or he want to embellish it.