7 Year relationship, and now I can really lose him!

[MissIceCream]

Hi everyone, I'm 27 years old and I'm very afraid of losing the man I was meant to be with my whole life. He's 32, and we met when I was very young. Seventeen to be exact, I lied to him of my age at the time, but we felt strongly enough to continue it. He and I made each other really happy, we never got bored of talking to each other, even til this very day! Though our problems started very early on. I suffer from Bipolar disorder, and when I was younger I didn't know what it was, I just thought it was me being irrational and "crazy." I woke up from panic attacks, constantly going through mood swings, lashing out at him for no particular reason, and I even started hearing voices.

 

He did everything possible he could to help me, he held me late at night when he had to be at work at 8AM, he cleaned up the broken dishes I would break during my manias, he cooked and cleaned for me when I just simply couldn't do it for myself. This went on for years until I finally agreed to get help. Four years ago was when I was diagnosed, and it's still hard for me to really confront that I have problem. I had a lot of physical/verbal abuse when I was growing up, and now it has come out in the worse possible way. I'm very insecure, and I have lied a lot about just everything. A lot of my lies are lies that I shouldn't even have to lie about! Each year it just got worse, and I would break up with him just to push him away. But he kept coming back because he loves me. In total I probably have left him five times. It was never him because I left, I believe I was scared, and probably still am that someone this good was in love with me.

 

All these years I have chipped away at him until he lost it, and all the resentment and hate came spewing out a week ago. I drove to his apartment late at night wanting comfort because I was feeling suicidal and I did not want to go to the emergency room again. They take you usually to a county mental holding where you're treated more like a prisoner than a person who needs real care. Well, I get to his place and there's a girl in his apartment (we haven't dated in about a year) and he says I shouldn't have drove out there, and that he was going to come see me the next day. I wasn't having it, I wanted his full attention right then and there. My hands were shaking violently because I was so scared of what was going on in my head. I needed a place to lay down, so I asked if I can just go up. He said no. This really hurt me. I told him to please ask her because I really wasn't well, and by that time I could not drive home. He asked her and she said no. And he said he didn't want her to leave at all. That's when he let loose. He started screaming "I'm so sick of you telling me what to do all these years! You do not want me to be happy, all you want is to control me and have me as your goddamn slave! This is it, I don't give a **** anymore." He then throws the keys on my lap and says "Good luck, I'm not here anymore for you." I remember sobbing uncontrollably and putting the keys in the ignition reversing the car so fast I almost hit another car. I was able to catch myself and realize what I was doing. I just folded my arms around the steering wheel and buried my face in my arms and really tried to get my mind straight. He walked up to my window and snatched the keys out and told me to get in on the other side. I didn't notice until he grabbed me by my arm out of the car and flung me in the passenger seat did I really realize anything was happening. He drove me home, and after awhile I asked him why didn't she leave he said "because she only had an hour of sleep and I didn't want her out there like that." I think right after he said he knew the gravity it had on me. I just said "Oh, you rather let me die." This only angered him more with him yelling "what the hell am I doing now, I'm driving you aren't I? This has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you and I. Can't you see this has been building up for years, I'm just ****ing sick of it and I don't ****ing care anymore, just leave me the **** alone after today." We didn't talk the rest of the way home. When we pulled up to my driveway he was different, he opened my door and helped me out. I think I was too far gone to recognize any little help he was now offering. That day I ended up where I did not want to be, the hospital. When they took me to the hospital it was under my own compliance and the cops still cuffed me because this is how they treat the mentally ill. I wasn't making threats or hurt anyone. I almost took a whole bottle of pills that day until it was slapped out of my hands. Still I was sitting behind a cops car humiliated, angry, hurt, and just all together broken. They let me out later that day, and he almost didn't pick me up. As soon as I got in the car he yelled at me some more telling me how much of a horrible person I have been to him these past few years. I felt like dieing, but I knew he had every right to tell me these things. I got kicked out of the house I was living at, and I was basically homeless.

 

I got a friend to let me stay for the night, I'm was just so weak at this point. Well it got even better for me that night. I had to go back to the hospital because I had a clot in my left lung. That was a whole night ordeal. My friend text him and told him what was happening with me, and he showed up the next day. I remember waking up to him sitting by the bed the bed holding my hand. I didn't know what to say or think, but just to cry. He offered to let me stay at his place while I got better and on my feet. And now I'm here at his place, and he's been so kind to me. I guess he told the girl he was seeing that I was staying here, and she wanted me out of his place immediately. He got angry with her and told her that he couldn't do that, and stood up for me, well I felt bad and tried to leave that night only to end up in the hospital yet again because of my lung. I was too fatigued I guess to make it down a flight of stairs. He got in a nasty fight with her and broke it off. He's now talking to another girl, and he told me the other one didn't mean much to him. Tonight I asked him if there could ever be a chance between he and I again, and he told me he just doesn't feel that way anymore. That he needs to see a real change in me in order for him to even consider it. Well, tonight we were watching a movie and somehow we had sex and it was amazing. Afterward, he said that it was probably the last time something like that was going to happen, and that I shouldn't count on it again. To me I think he and I will always love each other, and that he just needs to really cool down, have his freedom for now, and see I'm not here to mess with him any longer.

 

I'm very sorry this is long, but any thoughts, or questions is greatly appreciated.

[Kamille]

Dear MIC

 

I am not a professional and certainly do not understand the complexities of bipolar disorder. I can only respond to your post as I would if there was no diagnosis involved. As such, I ask you to take what I say with a grain of salt.

 

 

 

It sounds like what pushed him over the edge is the fact that when you are having an episode, you use emotional manipulation to keep him in your life. You two met when you were both really young, and he got into a pattern of being your savior. This pattern only further enabled your bpd. Now that he is trying to disentangle himself from the pattern, a process which will be healthier for both of you, you are panicking and resorting to the only habits you know to keep him in your life: helplessness. Worse yet, threatening to hurt yourself if he doesn't respond to you the way you want him too.

 

My advice? Stop being helpless and start showing him that you are capable of taking responsibility for yourself and your own emotional well-being. In fact, don't do it to show him: do it for yourself. You can make it on your own. This will involve seeking appropriate counseling at first, so that you learn some proper coping strategies.

 

The first step is to move back to your friend's place and to get active on finding another place of your own. You are only hurting yourself and any potential future with this guy by staying there: it's just you continuing to use helplessness to keep him in your life.

[TigerCub]

To me I think he and I will always love each other, and that he just needs to really cool down,

I don't think its him that needs to cool down. Its you that needs to stay on your meds and stop playing the victim.

 

have his freedom for now, and see I'm not here to mess with him any longer.

I love how you want him to "have his freedom ... for NOW"

so you just want to give him the illusion that he has his freedom and then once / IF he wants a relationship with you again, that's all its going to be - an illusion

and everything is going back to normal where you constantly need him to take care of you and pick up the pieces?

 

 

Look, I"m sorry this sounds harsh, and I"m sorry that you have a bipolar disorder, but there are meds, and there is therapy. You're acting like a victim because you CHOOSE to be one. Its much easier for you to just play that role than to take steps to make yourself better.

 

What kind of life is that for him? to be the constant care giver, to be pushed away, to have possible relationships with people that might treat him better fall apart because you are constantly involving him in your drama?

 

Sure, he may have love for you, and you say you have love for him, but it sounds to me that your love is a selfish love, you just need him to take care of you, put up with your crap and constantly talk you off the ledge.

 

I know what its like to have suicidal thoughts, I know what its like to be depressed all the time (I may not be bipolar) but I know what its like to feel like you're in a hole so deep you can't drag yourself out, and when thoughts of suicide are my "happy thoughts", but even with that, I would NEVER burden a person I so claim to love, I would NEVER play the victim and constantly put them in positions where they need to "Save" me.

 

You need to get some treatment and see a therapist, and if you truly love this person, you need to stop being burden and acting like your suicide is their fault or their responsibility.

 

You are sick (I don't mean that in the bad way), you have a condition, its nothing to be ashamed of, but you need to seriously get help for that, and THAT is your responsibility, not his, not anyone else's.

[MissIceCream]

I fully admit that was what I was doing in the past. In the last week I have never felt more ashamed and guilt ridden in my life. I have changed so much in the last couple of years for the worse. All because of I just could not face reality. My step mother who raised me died of cervical cancer a couple of years ago, and I've always felt guilty for not being there for her last days. My father soon followed after because he couldn't deal with her death, and my sister passed a few months ago because of her lost battle to Lupus. Though, in the last week I think I've cared for myself more than I've ever had. I made a schedule for myself and made sure I kept busy everyday. I have a new therapist around here, and taking my medications regularly. I have been a victim for too long. I just never knew the extent of my patheticness til the one person I cared about really opened my eyes. We both feel really awful on how everything turned out. I'm working on finding a place to stay. Thank you for replying, and helping me!

[TigerCub]

I fully admit that was what I was doing in the past. In the last week I have never felt more ashamed and guilt ridden in my life. I have changed so much in the last couple of years for the worse. All because of I just could not face reality. My step mother who raised me died of cervical cancer a couple of years ago, and I've always felt guilty for not being there for her last days. My father soon followed after because he couldn't deal with her death, and my sister passed a few months ago because of her lost battle to Lupus. Though, in the last week I think I've cared for myself more than I've ever had. I made a schedule for myself and made sure I kept busy everyday. I have a new therapist around here, and taking my medications regularly. I have been a victim for too long. I just never knew the extent of my patheticness til the one person I cared about really opened my eyes. We both feel really awful on how everything turned out. I'm working on finding a place to stay. Thank you for replying, and helping me!

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your step mother, father and sister. There are no words to express how terrible it is when someone you love passes on. Good for you for wanting to get your strength back, wanting to get your life on track, seeing a new therapist and taking your meds.

I hope that all these changes you're making bring you peace and happiness.

 

Good luck to you

[aerogurl87]

My ex was bipolar and on and off his meds the entire duration of our relationship. I endured his blackouts in which he'd verbally assault me the entire time and I got to tell you, being with someone who is bipolar and not seriously in therapy or on meds is a nightmare. You need to figure out what mixture of therapy and medication works best for you and help yourself first. I think your ex was smart to let go. I wish I would've done the same with my ex, but I didn't and suffered a mental breakdown as a result.

[whichwayisup]

You need to work on you. Do counselling, find a really good therapist who you can trust, to talk to and get on meds that will help you feel better and not cycle so much.

 

Your (ex) boyfriend cares about you. Alot..But, he probably is exhausted of the rollercoaster ride. This isn't about "you" it's about how to handle the BP and anxiety, depression. HE loves you, but doesn't love the disease and what it's done to you, done to the relationship.

 

I hope you know that you DO have it in you to fight this thing and find that happiness again. It won't be easy, but with the help and support of friends, and a good therapist, you can get your life back... In time, hopefully your ex will see how hard you've worked on yourself and maybe he'll be ready to try again. This hasn't been easy on him at all, being involved with someone with mental illness takes alot of patience, love and understanding.

 

Stay strong and remember that you're not alone. Sorry for your losses, lots of hugs..

[YellowShark]

My ex was bipolar and on and off his meds the entire duration of our relationship.

 

You need to figure out what mixture of therapy and medication works best for you and help yourself first.

 

I think your ex was smart to let go. I wish I would've done the same with my ex, but I didn't and suffered a mental breakdown as a result.

 

I too have had experience with a BiPolar EX. It's very very difficult to care for someone who creates so much drama in your life. At some point the non-BiPolar person just can't take it anymore, they crack, or leave.

 

It's not your fault that you are BiPolar MissIceCream, and you HAVE TO figure out what mixture of therapy and medication works best for you. After that THEN you can have a healthy relationship. Not before.

 

Seek treatment and stabilize. You can do it!