An3maePhreek Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 So me and my SO have been seeing each other for a little over a year and a half. Honestly, if you asked me a year and a half ago if I knew what I was getting into, I would be completely wrong on all regards... But I digress, I just feel from being a third party to all the questions and problems, happy or otherwise, it was time to share my experience/take/whatever you would like to label it... but mostly I felt compelled tonight to give voice to all the doubts/assured moments of my LDR. I met my SO thru an online game, and honestly wasn't expecting much. I knew I was really feeling alone in the physical reality of my life, which was why I got into mmorpgs in the first place. It felt nice to have the anonymity of an online game yet be in touch with so many other people with likeminded interests; I definitely didn't go into it thinking, "I'm going to meet somebody I can and will fall in love with." I just wanted to feel special, not so lost in the scheme of life. I found more. It started like wildfire: a frenzied need to be in constant communication with each other. We first used vent: I'd stay up to wait for him to finish the grind on WoW up to 4 hours at a time, and we'd talk until I'd fall asleep on him. Gradually, we shifted from vent to skype. And this was all before I even saw him: he's very private, so there were no pictures of him on facebook, and he did not own a webcam. For some obscure reason, I felt drawn to him; he was sensitive, he was intelligent, and he cared. Eventually, I got him a webcam and I had a face to place the awesome guy I knew he was. Yea, the dude lived in Canada, (I live in the US), but I wanted him, bad. And the crazy thing was, my SO would wait hours just to talk to me too. Now when we first agreed that this was a mutual thing and decided to be together, he had said that this was the first time that he's ever done an online thing, and asked me if it was the same for me. I didn't want him to think that this was not a unique experience (which it was), so I didn't mention that I've openly flirted and even gone farther in the cyberspace before I met him, so I told him that it was the same for me too. Well, needless to say, it didn't end well. Eventually he found out, though by going through my email (I'm a bit of a hoarder, so though the happenstances were prior to me meeting him, it was all saved in the trash and sent mail folders), and confronted me about it. I was ashamed and thought it was the end of the relationship, but he told me that though he was deeply hurt and his trust in me was severely compromised, he still wanted in. I couldn't let him go, so I apologized profusely and told him I wanted in as well. From here on out, the relationship dynamic changed. I don't know if it is just paranoia on my part, but I feel like this was the turning point. We've gradually evolved to where we'd be lucky to talk 5 minutes in a day, random text, etc. I've always been the more insecure of us two, so there are definitely confrontations in which I've told him that I felt that he wasn't as into me as I was to him. He says he's okay with the minimal conversation because we are in a LDR, and what can we do about it? He's also made mention that he gets bored easily and skype doesn't cut it for him. He's also had a more active social life after this confrontation, and there are more situations where he goes MIA for a day or a whole night. He's also told me that because he's been friends with his group of friends for so long, he's okay with ditching me for them, but not vice versa (He's told me that because I'm his SO, I should understand if he needs to ditch me, but his friends are not that understanding). I don't know if these are red warning flags, but I still feel uncomfortable. Somedays I feel like I've compromised so much, that there is no longer the trace of who we were as a couple. But then he says something or does something, and I'm crazy in love again. When we see each other, we are so comfortable and he's so loving to me, but when we are apart, I can't help but feel the distance to be so oppressive. People have told me this would never work, this is not a real relationship, and how the heck we've managed this long, but what I feel is real. It's hard to get over the times when I am so doubtful, I cry when a sad song comes on or a particularly lovey one, it's like I'm a rollercoaster. I guess, as the days go by, I feel like he's committed and he loves me, but almost like he has me in the bag, so he doesn't try as hard to surprise me with any statements or declarations of his love... I don't know how to word it, but it feels like I'm trying to push this relationship further, to evolve it more, but he's fine where we are? In any case, these are just a few of my thoughts when the loneliness is bad. I figure I'd put it out there and see if anybody was in the same situation or if anybody had some thoughts on the whole matter? All in all, don't get me wrong, I love my SO, and I'm sure he feels the same. I just wanted to know if I'm just crazy or if I need to grow up and be more mature about the whole matter.
folieadeux Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I couldn't tell from your post, but have you two met yet in person? LDRs can be and are successful, but both people have to want to make it work. Even from how you phrased certain things, I can tell you’re dissatisfied with aspects of your relationship your SO will not compromise on. Seems to be reason enough to me to re-assess this relationship. At the end of the day, you have to weigh the pros and cons and if the bad continuously outweighs the good then it’s time to move on.
creighton0123 Posted November 23, 2010 Posted November 23, 2010 OP, I can offer a bit of perspective, having played WoW significantly and developing quite a few friendships in Azeroth... MMORPG relationships, even when Vent sustained, may only go so far. The level of interaction you can have, avatar to avatar, is very good if sustaining already established couples. That being said, if you haven't met in person a red flag can be raised because you aren't yet... real. You can have a wonderful substitute for RL when separated by distance. My boyfriend and I may pursue WoW again (or at least some Halo) for fun activities to share. Still, if you've played WoW long enough, you'll know the signs to look out for when someone is going to GQ for IRL. They don't show up for raids as much as they used to. They aren't that into BG's, may sign on quickly and just fly around or grind some mats. They could be offline for days at a time and use RL as an excuse over and over again. When push comes to shove, WoW for the addicts is a crutch that sustains someone while going through some RL issues. You need to talk to him and see what's going on with him and the game. There are three questions that need to be asked: 1. Does he anticipate a potential /gquit ? 2. Without the game, what mode of communication will he be using to talk to you and can he be reliable? 3. When, if ever, will the distance end?
madjac74 Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 Eventually he found out, though by going through my email (I'm a bit of a hoarder, so though the happenstances were prior to me meeting him, it was all saved in the trash and sent mail folders), and confronted me about it. I was ashamed and thought it was the end of the relationship, but he told me that though he was deeply hurt and his trust in me was severely compromised, he still wanted in. Soooo why was he in your email and how did that not piss you off? These were things you did before your "relationship" with him. We all likely have a history with other people and if he is too childish to understand that...wait how old are you guys?
aerogurl87 Posted November 24, 2010 Posted November 24, 2010 I don't see this ending well. You're not a priority to him although he is to you. Yep, hate to say it but I see heartbreak written all over this. I went through something similar with my ex, but I was more like your boyfriend. At first we were all crazy about talking to each other, but real life intervened, and I started to log on to the game we met on less and less. I put my real life before him and our relationship because although I did love him, to me it wasn't real. We spent most of our time together in game so to me it was separate from my real life and I didn't equate it to being as important. In short, my ex was on the back burner of my life and was not a priority. If I were him I would've left me a long time before he did but he didn't. So I'll give you the advice I gave him, either take this relationship into the real world or face the reality that you two will never have something deep and meaningful outside a fantasy land.
Author An3maePhreek Posted February 20, 2011 Author Posted February 20, 2011 Thanks for all replies. To clarify a few things, we've met a total of four times to date. Twice him coming down here to see me (the first two times) and me twice going up to see him. I'm 21 and my SO is 25. And to give a quick update, recently, things have been a lot better. I don't know if something just clicked or what, but I find myself a lot less restless. I don't freak so much when we don't get our less-than-five minute conversations before he heads to work. He has been more into the whole WoW thing recently, but even that doesn't bother me as much as it used to. There are times when I think, could it be that my passion for this relationship has cooled? But those are only small doubts that are easily shaken away. He's changed a bit, too; he calls me regularly and shows me he's worried when it seems I'm unresponsive to his texts. I've gotten a couple of surprise calls at unexpected times too so that makes me happy. I'll be heading up again this coming March hopefully if work permits At the time of posting my first post, I was really at the point of just breaking it off. I felt really alone and just generally very dismal. Now, I can't even remember how that feels. Thanks again for your replies and comments, and sorry for the really belated answer .
Author An3maePhreek Posted August 30, 2011 Author Posted August 30, 2011 Well, I feel like a f*cktard. Found out 5/5/2011 that he cheated on me with several girls starting september of last year, and the last girl was for god knows how long since january of this year. He went N/C on her since I found out, but yeah, working on recovery. Rereading my post just makes me feel like such an idiot.
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