New theories to loveshack.org

[Perplexed81]

preamble: I'm a dive bar as I write this and yes I'm been drinking, but amazingly when I drink is when my mind turns into an analytical machine and instead of breaking almost 3 weeks of no contact I'm turning to the forum.

 

So...I've been thinking as I've been drinking and my situation makes NO SENSE at all, I've came up with all possible scenarios yet can't pinpoint to a single one, so ill let the forum help out.

 

2 years together, but felt like 10 because of everything done. 2 29 year olds, she's got a kid, she's calling me daddy, 1 month prior to getting married, 2 recent new vehicles in her name, tons of add ons to her house, her entire family was close to me, she's not a partier, homebody, only a close family group whom we do everything with. All wedding plans set, and after an argument over two issues she had with which u can read on the thread about sending a gift to ex fiancees daughter, we go from all of the above mentioned to like those 2 years never happened, erased, burned, whatever. THIS IS NOT NORMAL! If it were another guy it would have been apparent after 2 months now. There is NO OTHER GUY, so I figured she was planning the break months ago, but wedding plans were being scheduled up until a month prior.

 

Its like we never existed, I know when something doesn't make sense its usually the most obvious, but none of that is applying, its like a phantom spirit committing a crime, there is no suspect, no clues, just a crime scene with no prints or evidence.

 

Most breakups such as these, u hear from them again in a week, get back together 2 or 3 times and then move on, this is just completely out of anything I've ever gone through. We live in an extremely small town and EVERYONE knows everybody and their business so I implore the loveshack community, unless I'm crazy or anyone else has gone through this, please shed some light.

[Perplexed81]

And ill add, that this breakup has left her financially strapped, she and her fam aren't rich and she's very old fashioned when it comes to men, she's got a very decent job but she opted to keep everything even though it would put a major strain on her without my income, I tried to take my new truck and 4 wheeler and a few other things off her hands to free her but she declined and chose to play the victim later saying I left her in ruins.

[carhill]

Happy to read you do your best thinking when drinking. Our erstwhile leader had a recent thread on posting while drinking which is worthy of a read.

Backstory

 

I have no theory. I gave up a long time ago (I have about 22 years on you) trying to 'figure out' women, mostly after I got married. Life is what it is. One positive is that this particular woman won't be taking your life's work a generation down the road. Small comfort, but, if the dynamic here is being relayed accurately, you may have gotten off lucky in advance of your second marriage at a pretty young age.

 

So you know, my exW married her second husband at 28. She's now 51 and has three divorces under her belt. Great for collecting stuff from ex-husbands, but lousy for a life track record.

 

Take your time, heal, and see how things go. Whatever happens, it will be new. The past is the past. Good luck

[Perplexed81]

Carhill: thanks for your reply and its good to get advice from the older generation as they obviously most of the time have been through alot more than us younger folk.

 

There's always a culperate, there's always a reason, there's always a bad guy, believe me, i'm as real as it gets when it comes to these situations. Not having a lifetime of experience under my belt I do understand that when it comes to women and these experiences, that no one can truly have an answer for everything but again it just doesn't make sense.

 

I'm 29 years old, I've married once, have one child 8 years old going on 9. I run a family owned business and while i'm not rich by any means i'm very comfortable financially and thats the way I plan to keep it. My ex-partner was the same way. She has a very decent job, doesn't really look for material or monetary possesions but supposably just someone to love her and share her life with, again with the small town theme here. Yet this woman, this person that I shared these years with was a good ole country woman. She cleaned up very nice yet could get out in the garden or whatever project and get dirty with you. We were a perfect match as we both didn't aspire to be rock stars but just enjoy lifes easy comforts together. But as with any fairy tale, everything has its DRAMA scenes. She was the first woman that I ever encountered, whom NEVER complimented her mans appearance, she kept her thoughts of attractivness inside. In essense, she was less than a robot in alot of areas. When it came to our sex life, it always felt like it was always about me, pleasing me, i tried my hardest to bring out "not the freak, but tried my hardest to understand her sexual needs". She mentioned that she rarely if ever orgasmed with previous men. With me apparently she found the spot and just stuck with it. I was able to orgasm in many different ways, and was very open with my sexuality with her. She wouldn't, she found the little bit that brought her to orgasm and it was the same everytime.

 

She never showed ANY emotion other than ANGER, or SADNESS. It took alot to get her to laugh and smile. The only times she had her laughs and kicks was when she either downing me "in a wifely type of way" or making sarcastic remarks about something. She CONSTANTLY was a worry wart, about bills, the next thing thats due or the next trip we were taking with the family that had to be paid. Its funny each time, all would be paid and all would go well but she HAD to worry like crazy about everything.

 

We were living the dream, although not rich, we NEVER had any SERIOUS problems like most, financially, sexually, infidelity, health issues, I've thought about every single aspect and it again JUST DOES NOT ADD UP.

 

She's had a rough 10 years since high school with relationships, all the men she has been with have left her, and although I understand that post honeymoon period with this particular person can be a bit challenging, i've always had the mindset of i'm all-in, i go all the way or nothing at all so I did overlook and accept alot of the things I saw about her as just personal flaws just like I myself have.

 

Again, as much that was invested into this relationship it just does again NOT MAKE SENSE. It could be pride, maybe she even being so used to this situations LIKES BEING LIKE THIS, I DON"T KNOW, but I will admit, this is definately a first for me, which I never thought i'd have.

 

 

My 2 cents....

[Am4Real]

We’ll never know what went on in her mind or continues today.

 

I have not gone back and read your original post to understand the complexity or severity of the initial argument that led to your break up, but I take it from these threads it was minor in nature considering the eventual outcome. True?

 

Given your assessment of the argument as being the ONLY issue, it sounds like cold wedding feet from her is the culprit.

 

The big event was coming up fast; she had second thoughts and perhaps manufactured the severity of an argumentative issue to justify a break from you. Is that plausible? Were there signs of the wedding changing your relationship (i.e. pulling away, less sex, more girl time with her friends, working later or harder at the office)?

 

Think about it, if someone is totally into another person and decides their life together can ONLY be as ONE (married and more), what on earth besides infidelity or a major moral issue can break them apart in these early pledge stages? Not much… therefore it sounds like a case of wedding jitters that was not handled with consideration for you or any maturity.

 

Sorry for your pain. Go easy on the alcohol my friend.

[Green]

Most people come to this site with a break up they don't understand. They come here after being some one for a long time and remembering how just the week before the break up she said "I love you now and always, we need to go on vacation soon honey" and then bam the break up.

 

Stop trying to understand (or think about it) just focus on letting time pass and heal you and not thinking about her.

[brown03]

I don't understand you got into an arguement over 2 thing's are those two thing's really that much a a big deal that you would rather break up then give them up or comprimise? Like it really seems like this can all just be fixed by talking but iunno who she is. And lastly its only been a couple weeks and your talking like its been for ever give her some time to think to.

[Perplexed81]

Brown03: actually its going on 60 days since I last saw her. And yes, thats it, those 2 things, that was it. She got onto me ALOT about it and it wasn't a constant thing. Playing poker in general was the LAST thing that I had yet to give up from my previous lifestyle. I would go 1,2,3 months without playing a single hand becuase I enjoyed the new lifestyle I had chosen better. We'd get into an argument over something petty and I do mean PETTY and I'd get a surge of unhappiness and think back to the way my life was beforehand and BAM, i'd hop online, play poker, get a few thrills and excitement then afterwards the feeling would be bland and I'd think to myself, why am I even doing this. Afterwards she'd find out I had deposited 100 or 150 into my online poker account and she'd get upset. This happened several times.

 

2nd issue was obviously my issue over pride and not getting my way. I went into detail in my previous post about my thoughts on that. These are things that can be worked out and would be given the chance. I've accepted my faults and am willing to give it up once and for all without looking back. Yet she feels that I should have changed these things while we were in a relationship. You all know that when you get to a completely comfortable stage in a relationship it takes more than a suggestion here or there and I admit I took her getting me to give these things up in a completely wrong way.

[goingstrong]

Perplexed, after reading all of your posts and some of the responses, the answer is in your first post. When you and the SO had your blow out over money and control, poker,whatever......the typical couple, noisy static type arguments, and not at all significant to your problem of losing her..... that was not the problem. But when you took offense to "I don't think that this is going to work" comment, and took your ball and went home...that is the problem.

 

In the process, you not only dumped and gave up on her when the going got tough, but you dumped and gave up on her daughter(that called you daddy) as well. That was a sign of a major character flaw to her, and her momma bear instinct to protect her child's emotional well being kicked in. I am sure she asked herself that if you were capable of quitting her and her child cold turkey for 2 weeks like you did, then what is he going to do 10 years from now when you have 2 more kids of your own and even more entangled lives? The wedding, joint finances, entangled lives all became secondary to the thoughts of insecurity of her and her children's futures that you sowed. What you did cannot be easily undone, and with the risk of sounding too harsh, can you blame her? Sucks to be you, but I think you have to take your medicine on this one.

Edited November 12, 2010 by goingstrong

[brown03]

Agreed man I don't think that NC with this one is what you need. You need to show this girl that you are worthy to be in her family. That kid loves you like a father so I suggest be there as you would if you actually were the father and stop all this. NC works for petty college chicks because they are realizing that they are going to lose you for ever and they get scared. Not for mom's who are looking for a family that they can settle down with

[Perplexed81]

Goingstrong: no your not harsh, infact, i thank you for saying that. Yes I am taking my medicine. Your completely right in all what you say. However there are always 2 sides to a story and its a 2 way street in a relationship. I completely accept all my wrong doings and managing the breakup in a bad way. When a woman gets to the point in a relationship like mine where she's able to say "I don't think this is gonna work out", do you honestly believe pleading and begging is gonna work? I did this already. I did NC because the forum suggested I do so, after 2 weeks, I contacted her to talk, she wouldn't have it. I sent her flowers and a card that had our situation written all over it, no response, I text her how I truly felt, response, but short and although it was like pulling teeth to get her to give me a straight answer as far as giving it another chance, her response "not surprised", was there is no future and yes, not putting the child through this again.

 

Yes, yes and yes, i made alot of wrong decisions. This isn't a situation in which she will just pack up her emotions and move on with someone else. This is gonna take years for her to get over, I understand this.

 

However, i've accepted my faults, I've changed my mindset completely, I've done everything i'm able to prepare myself if she changes her mind, but now what? I just recently sent her daughter by regular mail a nice birthday card and a check for some toy money but i've been 21 days now no contact with the mother. Should I keep groveling? should I keep begging even though she says no? Deep down I know she wants this to work, we all know this. The X factor is the child, I know she's looking out for her first but how can I be involved in the childs life without getting past her first?

 

Yes I know this is a tricky situation and I'm playing it as I go. I want this bad but in the end its her decision and I don't see what more I can do on my end. If there is I more than welcome any suggestions.

[goingstrong]

Perplexed,

 

When a woman gets to the point in a relationship like mine where she's able to say "I don't think this is gonna work out", do you honestly believe pleading and begging is gonna work? I

 

Unfortunately, that is one those cryptic chick speak phrases that you had to ignore, and you were supposed to fight for her.

 

Because of this,

I did NC because the forum suggested I do so, after 2 weeks, I contacted her to talk, she wouldn't have it.

 

is the reason why your out. Those 2 weeks were the critical time to fight for her, and I think you missed your window. She views that 2 weeks as abandoning her and her daughter.

 

Obviously not all advice on this forum is good advice. The 180 doesn't work in all scenarios, and the timing was not right for yours. I think your 2 legged deer got spooked...now you gotta call her in again...if you can. Besides, there are other does anyway.

Edited November 13, 2010 by goingstrong

[dreamingoftigers]

Goingstrong: no your not harsh, infact, i thank you for saying that. Yes I am taking my medicine. Your completely right in all what you say. However there are always 2 sides to a story and its a 2 way street in a relationship. I completely accept all my wrong doings and managing the breakup in a bad way. When a woman gets to the point in a relationship like mine where she's able to say "I don't think this is gonna work out", do you honestly believe pleading and begging is gonna work? I did this already. I did NC because the forum suggested I do so, after 2 weeks, I contacted her to talk, she wouldn't have it. I sent her flowers and a card that had our situation written all over it, no response, I text her how I truly felt, response, but short and although it was like pulling teeth to get her to give me a straight answer as far as giving it another chance, her response "not surprised", was there is no future and yes, not putting the child through this again.

 

Yes, yes and yes, i made alot of wrong decisions. This isn't a situation in which she will just pack up her emotions and move on with someone else. This is gonna take years for her to get over, I understand this.

 

However, i've accepted my faults, I've changed my mindset completely, I've done everything i'm able to prepare myself if she changes her mind, but now what? I just recently sent her daughter by regular mail a nice birthday card and a check for some toy money but i've been 21 days now no contact with the mother. Should I keep groveling? should I keep begging even though she says no? Deep down I know she wants this to work, we all know this. The X factor is the child, I know she's looking out for her first but how can I be involved in the childs life without getting past her first?

 

Yes I know this is a tricky situation and I'm playing it as I go. I want this bad but in the end its her decision and I don't see what more I can do on my end. If there is I more than welcome any suggestions.

 

So her daughter is the currency then. You talk to her and say that even though you have split up, you would like to have some sort of relationship with her daughter. That she is a very special young lady to you and that you have been a father figure to her for two years. Sending a card and money will not cut it. Sorry. Just won't. Ask if you can go to her birthday party. If not, ask if you can take her out somewhere special for her birthday.

 

You say bluntly "just because we split up, doesn't mean I don't care for her like she is my own. I may have made a mistake, even a huge one, but I don't think it would be right to just outright abandon her and I don't want her to feel that way for years to come."

[dreamingoftigers]

So her daughter is the currency then. You talk to her and say that even though you have split up, you would like to have some sort of relationship with her daughter. That she is a very special young lady to you and that you have been a father figure to her for two years. Sending a card and money will not cut it. Sorry. Just won't. Ask if you can go to her birthday party. If not, ask if you can take her out somewhere special for her birthday.

 

You say bluntly "just because we split up, doesn't mean I don't care for her like she is my own. I may have made a mistake, even a huge one, but I don't think it would be right to just outright abandon her and I don't want her to feel that way for years to come."

 

It may even be weird, but at this point, what do you have to lose?

 

Oh yeah and maybe explain where you got the no contact idea from too and that you were trying to make things easier on everyone. etc etc etc

[Perplexed81]

Goingstrong: your completely right in all that you say, I guess in other words I fired my gun just a little too late and the deer got away. I've been thinking about it lately alot actually and although I do think about her alot. My days have gotten easier, much easier. I still have bouts with the occasional surge of feelings here and there but at this point being that its been going on over 60 days without seeing her and almost 30 days NO CONTACT, I don't really see myself being able to get on my knees or hell ON MY FACE and make a complete fool out of myself for the sake of having probably less than 5% chance of getting back with her.

 

I sent flowers and a card, I sent her daughter some toy money and a happy-bday card, I sent numerous texts letting her know how I feel and after all that she wouldn't even talk on the phone with me. Sorry but I'm chalking this one up to just bad decisions and keeping NC. I'm sorry but you have to give a little to get a little, once a woman has gotten to the point where she utters the words "I don't think so this is gonna work out" not only has she probably already consulted with family beforehand but has made up her mind as well, no one will ever know but thats my theory and i'm gonna stick to it.

 

I thank all of you whom took the time out of your day to give me feedback and insight as to what to do, but unfortunately my hole is way too deep and odds are if I climb in I won't be able to climb back out so again I'm just going to write this off as a life experience and move on. I wish I was like others on this forum and lived in a huge city where I probably won't ever see this person again but as small a town I live in, its inevitable we'll probably see each plenty.

 

So to end this thread, i've decided that the risks are too great for the return and moving on and keeping no contact. She knows how I feel and she knows how to get intouch with me. If she changes her mind then she knows what to do.

 

Thanks LS