jajan Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Hey! So I'm new here and I'm having a tough time deciding whether my graduate student instructor feels the same way as I do about him. I really like the guy but the problem is not only that he's my instructor but that he is about 33 years old and I am 19 soon to be 20 (if that makes a difference). He looks younger for his age, I initially thought he was around 27, and he's just a really good person, very attentive and nice to everyone and smart. He is very respectful, not really flirtatious, just very friendly and nice. He's not what you would consider to be very good looking, but he's attractive. I just find him to be a nice guy who I would consider talking to more. I was just wondering if you guys thought that he likes me back? So, I hadn't really considered him a possibility at the start of the semester, just because of the age difference and the fact that he's my teacher, but recently I had some type of midterm evaluation meeting with him and I found that we just got along very well, or as people say we kinda "clicked". I kinda felt that we were both sorta shy around each other, but that our conversation just sorta sparked naturally. I gave him one piece of advice and even though I'm not an A student in his class he has been doing it extensively; that is he's been sending us messages on a school website program a lot more often than before, in order for us to keep on top of things. But I don't see that as being a strong indicator that he likes me. What kind of made me think he likes me is a poem he recently gave me to make up a dialog presentation that I had been absent for; so I had to recite the poem in order for him to see how well I master speaking in the language. The thing is that the poem was about a golden cloud that lingers with an old rock, and how the old rock is sad and lonely after the cloud leaves. I just found it kind of weird that he would give me that poem to recite out of all of them. What do you guys think?
Mad Max Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 More advice please? What more do you need? It's a terrible idea and it will not end well. I know it's not the answer you wanted to hear, but you need to think about this logically.
Cee Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 When I was a graduate student, the head of the department explained what sexual harrassment was and said we shall not be f*cking superior professors nor undergraduates. If a graduate student gets caught in an inappropriate relationship with a student, he or she could ruin their academic career. Theoretically, the student and grad student could date after the class was over, but that was frowned upon & that kind of gossip could tank someone's career. This situation is a no go. It's not happening. And if the guy would make advances on you, that indicates he has a serious problem and needs to seek help. Trust me. I was a 28 year old grad student and I thought you undergrads were children. If I thought one of you was cute, I killed that thought immediately. It's gross. There. I told it to you straight. I'm not saying it never happens, but scandal and gossip and embarrassment follows.
Author jajan Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 What if the age difference is the only problem? Would it be alright if no college policies were broken, and only after the semester course was over a simple date was arranged?
skydiveaddict Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I'm not so sure. One of my friends was a grad assistant who married one of his students, they are still happily married after many years. About the same age difference too.
Cee Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I don't want to kill anybody's chance for happiness here, but student/teacher romances are incredibly rare. Sure, if the student and the grad instructor met up after the class and started dating, that would be fine. The issue is that a student is reading attraction during student-teacher interactions. I don't think the instructor is flirting, but rather he is trying to encourage a bright young student in her studies. If he was flirting during class or during office hours, then that would be a boundary violation. If the teacher and the student met up at a non-academic setting after the class was long over, then maybe something could happen. Grad students tend to be enthusiastic teachers and will give a lot of encouragement and attention to their students. I could see how a student could misconstrue that. Maybe, the OP can watch her instructor and see how gives attention to other students. Is he only encouraging her or is he giving attention to the rest of the class?
that girl Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Getting involved with an instructor is a terrible idea. Really terrible and could cause you a lot of problems with the school, your classmates, etc. I gave him one piece of advice and even though I'm not an A student in his class he has been doing it extensively That is being a good instructor. It doesn't mean he likes you. It is funny, just yesterday I was talking to a 30 year old friend who is a TA about how said TA thinks all undergrads are babies and can't remember being that inexperienced. I'm not saying a 33 year old can't be attracted to a 19 year old, but I think it is only a 19 year old who would assume that a instructor who took her suggestion wanted to get with her.
LisaLee Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I think you're reading too much into the poem thing.
that girl Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I'm not so sure. One of my friends was a grad assistant who married one of his students, they are still happily married after many years. About the same age difference too. Yeah, but how old is he and what was the age difference? I was recently in grad school and have a lot of current/recent grad school students as friends. I know of a handful of student/lecturer relationships, but they were not 19 year old undergrad with 33 year old TA. The age difference was never anywhere near that big and none of them started dating while they were in class together. I used to work for a prof who married an undergrad, but they met in the 70s when she was 20ish and he was her 24 year old TA. Plus, there were no sexual harassment laws. A 19 year old and her 33 year old instructor seems very, very, very unlikely to lead to a happy relationship to me.
Author jajan Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 I agree. I think I am looking too much into this . Thanks for the responses!
always_searching Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Well, as I have had experience in this area, I shall put in my two-cents: Find out your college's policy as far as student/teacher relationships are concerned. Some colleges do not mind them as long as you are no longer taking his/her class. So, check into that before furthering your advances, or deciding whether you should make any "moves." Now, the trouble I'm foreseeing is in relation to his being a TA, that is, a graduate student who has just begun his career in whatever field he's in. You know, it's one thing to hit on/date a tenured professor--it's not likely much is going to happen to him, or that gossip is going to ruin his career. Well, at least not in the same respect as a fledgling graduate student. As others have noted, dating a student, or even rumors that he is interested in a student could ruin his career. What's more, if you do date him, or make a move on him, you yourself could be labeled and gossiped about--believe me, it can and will negatively affect you. Now, as SkyDiveAddict stated, there are situations where it does work out. I know of many professors who married their students--there are some quite famous examples, at least in my discipline. All that being said, as a graduate student myself, if I were teaching a class, I would NEVER even THINK about dating a student, nor would my attention to my students ever be anything more than a friendly and professional concern. (This is all quite ironic as my care for certain professors is more than "friendly professional concern." So, believe me when I tell you that I understand your dilemma.) As others have stated, for the most part, undergraduate students are just not that interesting, at least on a romantic level--they have much to learn and are at a different level of maturity than we (graduate students) are--for the most part, that is. Of course, there could be exceptions... But I can tell you this: if I were a professor, I would most likely NEVER date or be romantically interested in one of my students. I like older, intellectually superior men, anyway; but, if that weren't the case, I would not want to risk my career. Good luck with everything and keep us posted!
Author jajan Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 This really helped me out. Looking back at the op I made, I can see how naive and dumb it is. Thanks for your opinions, they really helped, and don't worry it's only going to stay a crush;).
Recommended Posts