Not coping

[Mary-Jane]

I guess I just need to vent here since I can't talk to anyone about this... not prepared to yet anyway and would be too ashamed to be honest about what happened so I now I even avoid those who might ask questions about how things are with my 'boyfriend'

 

I started dating somebody five years ago, he was living alone, he said his relationship with mother of his youngest kid was over a while ago, we spent a lot of time together, at his house or my place, so it was a lot of fun in the first couple of years. I had no plans then but just assumed as long as our relationship was good, things would eventually work out and our future will be together.

 

So basically he's living here during the week and the weekends he spends with kids at another place a few hours drive from here. I never met them but then again I didn't think much of it and thought there will be time for that. So then about two years in he mentions that he's got more kids than I originally knew about. I was quite shocked to find out that he was born when we were already dating and I was never told about it. I actually fled the restaurant in tears but he went after me saying he was sorry didn't know how to tell me that the girl was pregnant when we met and their relationship was over anyway.

 

I think about now and understand that probably I should have run off then but I did not unfortunately and everything carried on as before for another year or so. Actually then it was when he made various plans about us (by the way in various conversations he said that the marriage laws in this country were not fair to men who might lose half of everything etc, but I was just happy to be there) and anyway nothing ever came out of those plans. By then I really had strong feelings for him but he changed slightly... just slightly maybe became a bit irritable at times but nothing major ... kind of felt it's not quite as before yet it is the same so I thought maybe it's because it's not the early days anymore. I did not really suspect anything and even when I went past his house he was always home alone so I didn't know what to make of it.

 

Well there some ups and downs which I guess is normal but ultimately as one can guess it was not getting better. Besides my feelings were growing stronger and I was very unhappy now about us not getting anywhere. When I tried to talk about it he would always turn things around somehow and say it's your fault you didn't give me enough attention or would mention my ex (which really is nonsense) and blame me for something that wouldn't make sense. I must say it did affect my self esteem and deep down inside thought that I wasn't good enough for him and that was the reason I never confronted him openly just hoping that things would change somehow and eventually he would appreciate me pathetic, I know.

 

So last time I sort of tried to get him to just be honest because by then it was pretty unbearable for me and explain to me what's wrong if he says he loves me with all his heart why don't I feel it and who I am in his life anyway he once again managed to not talk and I had a few more drinks than I should simply because I could not take it and then (as he told me after, I do not quite remember) complained to to strangers that he was treating me badly and how unhappy I was.

I remember when were parting the next day the long look he gave me... very strange

 

Then he disappeared. I didn't call because - well, I just explained why, I could not go on as before. Also I had other problems in life which I had to deal with then, it sort of distracted me. Still I cried a lot during that time. When he started calling again after about 3 months I did not want to speak to him so never answered and predictably he never stopped trying to call text or walk by where I live so once I had to hide behind other people because I nearly bumped into him around the corner from my place.

 

To make it clear - I did want to see him again I missed him terribly and still hoped that one day he would come to his senses and we will be together.

 

This went on for almost a year until one day he caught me off-guard and I agreed to see him that evening. He said the reason he disappeared then was because he was upset at my behavior but that night he actually said all the things I wanted to hear so badly - we should have a baby live together and never part etc etc but when he left in the morning - and I really don't know why I had not guessed to do it before I started looking for some information and only then I realized that the mother of his two youngest was living at his other place during all this time from the beginning. I was absolutely devastated then.

That was like having a rug pulled from under me - five years of my life were a lie because I trusted him and had absolutely no reason not to. We were dating openly, we met each others friends, we spoke on weekends even when he was away, million times he came from there straight into my bed.

 

Soon he called again and we went out for lunch. I said nothing I was just frozen inside all the time we spent together that day and he was as usual...just back to where it ended. Even complained yet again that I wasn't showing any initiative to do things together - something he always complained about but the truth is I don't believe it was ever fair on me because I felt he never actually let me get close to him enough for me to be completely comfortable. Well doesn't matter now I guess.

 

So after this time I could not call him ever again and he didn't call me too... I still was stressed at my realization but I guess I was in denial as well because I still hoped hell knows what for. So again he calls me after a month or so like nothing has happened and we talk about nothing absolutely nothing and it's really difficult for me to talk to him and he says something like he's sorry he's been ill and not doing great for some reason and doesn't say what the reason is and he didn't mean to call me and be miserable and then he asks me something about what I think of him and I have nothing to say really and this is where conversation ends and we say goodbye.

 

And a few days later I have a final shock - I come across some photos on facebook of him and her and he's wearing the ring... so from what I can gather it must have happened last year when he was 'upset'

 

I am so hurt now it's been more than a month later that I honestly don't know if this is something one recovers from the same person. I cannot eat, sleep or work do anything in fact. I have never felt so low in all my life.

 

I do not know what hurt me more - the fact that he married or the way he chose to go about. Indeed both, I have nightmares of their wedding when I manage to sleep and painful flashbacks at daytime and I remember every meeting and look at every picture and text and think so did you already know at this time smiling at me that you were about to throw me away

 

For god's sake I was asking him to be honest long time ago and end things then - and I know it would hurt like hell but probably not as much as now and maybe I would be over it by now.

I do not understand what kind of person can do a thing like that. How is it possible.

 

I am even afraid to think what kind of person I myself am going to emerge from this.

 

Well, hope somebody might have some advice for me on here - would be very appreciated, like I said I cannot talk about it to anyone - yet or maybe never

[GreenEyedLady]

You will be fine. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. Learn the lesson you need to learn.

 

Don't focus on what he did or the choices he made. Focus on you and the choices you made and what you might do differently in the future.

 

It is unclear from your post if you are still with him? I am thinking from your post it is over.

 

I'm very sorry that you are hurting and that he is not who you thought he was. You have to see him for who he is. But don't dwell on him. It will not get you to a better place. It will keep you embroiled in the what if scenario.

 

You will feel better about this one day. Start taking steps forward and leave this where it belongs, in the past.

 

((HUGS))

 

GEL