kiepey08 Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I have been seeing a guy for a little over a month now. We see each other often and still make time for friends. I think time apart is very important in making relationships last but he definitely requires his guy time. I am fine with that but wonder, if this is how he is in the beginning when things are fresh and new, how will he be a year from now? I don't want to change anybody but things have gotten to the point where I am beginning to wonder if this is something I can deal with. Once a week he goes and helps his friend at his garage, which is great. However, for example, today he took the day off work to help a sick family member. One of my family members is having a birthday dinner as well. Well, he hadn't planned on coming to my family dinner since he thought he was going to be busy all day. He finished early and instead of mentioning coming to my family dinner he is at his friends garage with them. I guess it wouldn't bother me besides the fact that when we're together around his house we are visiting his family and friends. In no way do I think that once a week is too much time with friends, but on the other hand when we're together and one of his friends call, he runs to the phone and chats with them. He made a comment the other day that since my schedule was changing at work that he was going to be spending a lot more time at his friends shop. I just don't want to be in a relationship where it's always friends first.
TaraMaiden Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I'd like to mention at this point that effective communication is a definite advantage.... This is something you should be discussing with him. The more he believes his behaviour is ok, the more he will be complacent and take for granted that it IS ok, and always will be. If you wait until such a time as it completely irritates the crap out of you - his first reply to you will be "Why didn't you tell me?" Don't get me wrong, I, like you, see nothing wrong with his activities. What IS wrong, is that you should have concerns about escalating activities that you haven't brought up with him. Talk everything over, and this kind of thing will fade into insignificance.
Author kiepey08 Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 Tara-Thanks for your quick reply. I guess I should have added that we have talked about it a few times. The first time he just said that the more time he spends and the longer he's in a relationship the more time he wants to spend with that person. The second time we weren't really talking directly about it but we were watching some comedy show and they were talking about being "whipped". He commented and said that he doesn't get whipped, that he is going to still spend time with friends because if a girl tried to stop him he would always feel in the back of his head that he was being controlled. I just don't want to waste my time and fall for someone who will put me on the back burner for his friends.
TaraMaiden Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Hmmm.... doesn't sound like you're a priority and he's telling you that... I don't know about you, but I'm committed to my guy, and if I go out with the gals, he gets asked if it's ok, but if he objected, I'd either cancel, or reach a compromise. I wouldn't go, no matter what.... And he always runs it past me as a "would you mind very much if I...." proposition, if he goes out for a bevy with the lads... That's not control. That's consideration. There's a difference. Now you could point that out to him - or you could just not bother, because it's already too much like hard work.. Up to you.....
Author kiepey08 Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 You're absolutely right. Honestly, I have been the "clingy" gf in the past so I am trying very hard to let go of my insecurities and so at times I struggle with wondering if it's just me or if something is really an issue. With all his other friends he will ask me if I mind if he goes somewhere but for some reason when he goes to his friends shop he doesn't ask he just says that is where he's going. Since we spend everyday together besides when he goes to his friends shop, I just figured maybe it was just me being insecure about it.
that girl Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 One month and you want him to go to family dinners with you? That seems a bit fast to me, I prefer to wait until I know things will be long term before introducing anyone to my family. But if you're hanging out with his family, I think the issue could be not making it clear that trying to drop by your family event was important to you.
Stung Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I gotta go with That Girl on this one. While I understand that you want the early stages of your relationship to have passion and momentum, and of course that is important, I also think you might still be stuck in 'clingy girlfriend' zone. You've been dating ONE MONTH and you have already had multiple conversations with him about how he doens't spend enough time with you or have a serious enough commitment? I can't quite wrap my mind around that, honestly. My husband and I check with each other about where we're going too, but that's because we're married and have children and enmeshed schedules and responsibilities. I would never have expected him to check with me before hanging out with a friend one month into our relationship, and I would have been annoyed if he'd expected that from me. But then, I wouldn't have been bringing him to family birthdays in that time period either so maybe you just move at a really different pace, idk.
Recommended Posts