northern_sky Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I have such trouble making connections with girls in real life, yet no problem at all making guy friends. The other day, at my advisor's suggestion I messaged a 35-year-old grad student at my university who is well connected in film and is working on an ensemble project with some big names in the art world. I asked him if he could help me network, so we met briefly in the art building and he gave contacts for some local actresses. We had a good conversation, and discovered we had a bunch of the same favorite movies and books. Afterwards, we talked a bit on facebook and he suggested we hang out some time and talk film. I'm not that attracted to him, but I feel like he'd make a great friend so I'm excited to have found another person who shares my interests. My only real "friend" here is the guy I've been sleeping with (until recently). I'm sorta friends with one of my female roommates, but I don't have the same rapport with her. Historically, I've never had trouble finding guys I can relate to and buddy up with, but I have an insane amount of difficulty making female friends. Is it something I'm doing wrong? Or is it simply the fact that my tastes and interests are more male oriented? I do try to reach out to women, but they never seem that interested in hanging out with me. It's like they already have enough friends, while guys are always open to having more. I'm not as interested in making more male friends, because sex usually gets involved and fcks things up. Then I end up losing them as friends, so it's pointless. I actually have two good female friends on LS, but they both live far away. What am I doing wrong?
Lauriebell82 Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I'm not as interested in making more male friends, because sex usually gets involved and fcks things up. Then I end up losing them as friends, so it's pointless. What am I doing wrong? This is what you are doing wrong. According to my husband and other males that I have met, men want to make friends with females for one reason and one reason only: to get in their pants, or that there may be a possibility to get in their pants one day. Have you ever had just a platonic male friend? I actually have plenty of male friends who I have never even attempted to get with. I have found out through other sources that they have liked me, but I never wanted to do anything about it (when I was single). My suggestion would be to join a female oriented group, like an athletic league or something. And stop sleeping with your guy friends!!!
utterer of lies Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I'm not as interested in making more male friends, because sex usually gets involved and fcks things up. Then I end up losing them as friends, so it's pointless. That's not male friends, just people you haven't ****ed yet. They are just waiting.
sally4sara Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Its easier to make guy friends because a good portion of them are just Yes Men seeking sex and hoping one day you'll think "Wow! this guy always gives me what I want; I wonder if his penis will also give me what I want?". And female friends (prolly guy ones too) have a habit of disappearing up some guy's ass and forgetting all about their friends.
Jannah Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I have very few male friends versus female friends.
Mad Max Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I remember one of my friends saying this and I have to agree. He said that if a girl has mostly guy friends and doesn't get along with most other girls, then that is a huge red flag from both a relationship and a friendship perspective.
sally4sara Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I remember one of my friends saying this and I have to agree. He said that if a girl has mostly guy friends and doesn't get along with most other girls, then that is a huge red flag from both a relationship and a friendship perspective. As a woman, I'd agree with that. She's either naive (which can cause problems), or attention needy and can't tolerate another girl in the spotlight. Its still very possible to have real platonic friends tho.
Mad Max Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 As a woman, I'd agree with that. She's either naive (which can cause problems), or attention needy and can't tolerate another girl in the spotlight. Its still very possible to have real platonic friends tho. Exactly. We all have some people we can't stand. But, if you don't get along with the majority of a gender, you can't possibly tell me they're all the problem and you're not.
Cee Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 My closest friends are my age (40s) and single. And it ended up that they are mostly guys. The women friends in my life gradually disappeared for various reasons, usually marriage, children, and faraway jobs. My male friend calls our social group "the dregs." I still keep in touch with several women friends, but most of them are married and babied up. I might see them once or twice a year.
Star Gazer Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 This new "friend" isn't a friend at all. He sounds romantically interested. Your other male "friends" have been guys you've slept with. Those aren't "friends" either. You have no difficulty attracting men into your life. But they're not your "friends."
that girl Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 If you're an attractive girl, of course you're going to have an easier time making guy friends. You're a potential sexual partner. I think if a girl didn't natural make female friends growing up it can be hard to adjust to making them in adulthood. Guys will make more effort with a cute girl, girls who just want friendship aren't as likely to go out of their way. Or is it simply the fact that my tastes and interests are more male oriented? I think this can be a problem if you're say a huge comic nerd who loves fantasy football. Those interests will naturally put you in contact with more men than women. But books and movies? I doubt it. The arts in general are very female heavy. Thinking about my friends, a few are girls I was assigned to live with or ended up living with because we had a friend in common. You seem to be in college or have gone to college so that is an option. At the jobs I've had and when I was in grad school, I was very open to ask people to hang out. And some people say no, but I don't take it personally. Some people are crazy busy or they're just not interested in hanging out with me. I never ask more than twice, but I've totally asked a few people who weren't interested for whatever reason.
veggirl Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I think if a girl didn't natural make female friends growing up it can be hard to adjust to making them in adulthood. I totally agree with this. And when you are in your later 20s it is harder to make girl friends if you don't have any. You mentioned film and he gave you contacts for the actresses...that is a potential friendship. If you work on a film project and there are actresses, you have something in common. I think that as you get older, you REALLY have to put forth an effort to make friends. I mean, you have to initiate hanging out and you have to continue to do so, on a regular basis. It will take work, but having something (film) as a basic commonality should help you. I have a friend who moved here from another state. She didn't know anyone, and we randomly met. I didn't think much of it. I thought she was a nice, cool girl, but wouldn't have really put any effort into being her friend as I already have a life/friends w/o her. SHE put forth a lot of effort. She called / texted me often (not weirdly or obsessively, but a few times a week) and she actively asked me to hang out a lot. I remember one time after we'd only known each other like 1 1/2 wks, she was like "come over, lets hang out at my pool!" and it was just me and her. I thought that was weird but I went anyway. We wouldn't be friends if she hadn't put forth more effort than I was willing to put forth.
carhill Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 OP, your thread would probably have longer legs if titled 'why do I have difficulty making female friends' or similar. As titled, and answered, it's pretty elementary... Now, to make and keep a same-gender friend, presuming you're hetero, you throw out sexual attraction and 'chemistry' of the romantic nature, and replace them with shared interests, empathy, and a 'chemistry' of a different sort, a synergy of understanding. All this is arm's length and absent that emotional 'pull' of romance. The friend isn't always on your mind emotionally; you have to make a proactive effort to be a friend. It doesn't just 'happen'. If you find you don't have much 'in common' with women, well, if you want women friends, you have to find more in common. Up to you. Also, select women who are more your 'style', in that they cross over more into male interests, since you say this is your experience. You may find all the parts are in place, but it just takes the effort to put them all together. Try different things and see how it goes. Good luck
Recommended Posts