I really want to call him, will it be a massive mistake?

[watshername]

So I started NC over a week ago. I deleted him off facebook and didn't get in contact. I asked him not to contact me only if it's really important. It was not a horrible break up and I still love him and care about him ALOT. And I know he does me too. On Sunday he messaged me asking me what I wanted him to do with my stuff (I moved out of the flat we shared and have left like a book and pair of shoes, not much) I was really annoyed as I asked him not to contact! I rang him and asked why he messaged me as that was not an important thing to contact me about and everytime I hear from him I get a bit of hope which is why I asked for no contact. So anyways i said NC again and it's now been 4 days and he's not contacted. I'm sitting here now and just wish I could hear his voice. I miss him so much and I can't stop thinking about him. I know it would be stupid to ring him but I don't know what else to do. Please help, any advice...

[SeriousBob12]

Hello contradiction...

 

so you told him NC, then contacted him to bitch him out for contacting you (which completely defeats the purpose) and now you want to contact him again because you miss his voice?

 

Do you always think in confusing tangents?

 

Not trying to be rude, but make up your mind.

 

I know breakups are hard, and you miss him but it's either one or the other. You can't jump on the NC fence, hop off, and jump back on. Repeat.

 

You'll only put your emotions through a roller coaster and even look kind of unstable in the process. The hardest stretch of NC is the beginning. It's not like quitting smoking, the cravings and temptations are there and devour away at your mindset and emotions.

 

I found the best thing to do was constantly keep busy. The instant he pops into your head, do one of your fav. hobbies or go for a run, or something.

 

Nothing is stupid. I found myself going on hikes (I don't hike) and going to the waterfront to take photos of the lake and ducks, just to fill my time. This was of course when some of my good mates were too busy to meet for coffee or dinner or something.

 

With time it becomes natural and then you find yourself proud at what you've accomplished. I'm just hitting my 5th month of NC, and trust me the first one was DREADFUL, but you have to stick to your decision.

 

Again I wasn't trying to be rude in the first half of this response, just trying to put it in perspective. I wish you only the best in the road ahead, stay strong!

[watshername]

It's not that simple. He finished it with me. I am heartbroken and for the past 2 months I've been trying to get back with him and calling him all the time being a total mess. I figured that the only way I can get over it is to have NC. he didnt want NC but he doesnt want me anymore so its not fair. I am not stable at all and am finding it extremely hard to not talk to him which is why I've been coming on here to ask for support and guidance.

[SeriousBob12]

You answered it yourself then.

 

It is that simple. He ended it with you, and even after your pleas and 2 months later he's still not interested in trying things out again.

 

I hate to say it, but it's over. So yes it is that simple and you have to do NC and you have to start working towards moving on.

 

That's about as simple as it gets, the real challenge is in dealing with NC and fighting your temptations.

 

Obviously it's not going to be easy. Most breakups are not. If they were, forums like this wouldn't exist.

[watshername]

why did you even bother to reply, if anything I feel worse now.

These forums are supposed to be for support and advice not criticism. Yes I know NC is the only way but I'm in a moment of weakness and just needed that shove from people to say it will get better in time etc.

I'm very fragile at the moment and seeing as you know nothing about me or my relationship or anything that has happened you have no credit in saying that "it's that simple".

[brown03]

OK in this case it really seems like he only wants to keep in contact with you because he want's to see other women or do what not and have you there for a back-up.

 

A lot of guy's do this for many reasons because they want their cake (Sex or Other Girls) and eat it to (You to be there if they don't find someone) and the thing about this is you played it very well by saying don't contact me and as long as he knows you are there to take him back with open arm's he will not worry about losing you.

 

The best thing to do is just wait and NC because anytime you contact him he knows you still have a reason to and therefor lets him know you are still there to fall back on. Also it has only been 2 months and that is not a lot of time a lot of people on here have been waiting 7 and in my situation I have been waiting 8 and she broke up with me and no longer even talk's to me and I never even asked for that.

[SeriousBob12]

I wasn't trying to make you feel worse, for that I'm sorry.

 

I don't have to know you or the relationship to say it's simple enough to NOT contact him and as result continue breaking your heart and emotions. As I said that's the easy part, it's holding to it and not letting yourself break it that can be difficult.

 

You want him back, there is no doubt about it, but calling him, texting him, and everything else is just going to continue thrusting you into this cloud of sadness. You said you've been trying for the last 2 months, which I think shows he isn't budging on it.

 

Things are hard the moment yes, and I feel for you, I really do.

Things do get better and I'm not just saying that. If you stick to NC and keeping yourself busy, eventually the pain will go away and you'll probably even better yourself. The thing is, you have to accept that there is no answer or notion that will instantly make everything better. If you feel sad and fragile, that's okay it's apart of being human and losing someone we care about. Over time though, you'll learn to accept it and move forward.

 

The best advice I can give you is keep yourself busy, and use this as a time to better yourself. Hit a gym, take up a hobby, let your feelings out to your friends. This isn't a time to feel like you're alone and everything is over, but yet a mere time where you're down and sad. Thankfully like physical wounds, emotional ones heal with time.

[watshername]

I guess I just keep searching for an answer to all this pain, how to make it go away. I don't think I'm giving myself enough time, I just want it to be over right now and I know that's not going to happen. I feel like it's not okay to be crying about it anymore. I feel angry that I want to call him. I just want to know he's okay. We split because he felt incapable of giving me the love I need as he's very very depressed. I worry about him and don't want him to be sad. He's spoke about suicide before and I worry about that also. I feel like he's pushed me away so he doesn't hurt me anymore by being the way he is. I don't know if I'm being selfish for not contacting him. I know he still wants to talk to me and was upset when I said I couldnt talk to him anymore. I just feel so stuck.

[SeriousBob12]

It took me a while to even grasp that there was hope for me. I have broken up with other girls (and been dumped) where it hasn't really bothered me much more than just missing there presence but moving on. I was completely NUTS over my ex and I hit rock bottom and went to a pretty low and dark place post-breakup.

 

Trust me if I was able to survive through it I have complete confidence that you will be able to as well. It just seems hard right now, because it hasn't been that long.

 

It's great that you care about your Ex's well-being I think it really shows the type of person you are, but you have to put yourself first. He wants to be friends, but is that worth putting yourself through emotional chaos?

 

By all means don't act bitter or saucy towards him, but if he asks let him know that due to your feelings and how hard this has been on you, it's not possible for you to be speaking to each other on the regular at this point. That's not to say you're not there if he needs you, but if you two play the friends game I think it will just be damaging to the both of you, and most definitely you.

 

You have to put yourself first in this situation. it's clear he has his own issues, but no matter how supportive or helpful you want to be they are issues he has to deal with.

 

At this point in the game, his issues should be secondary to yours.

[watshername]

Yeah you're right. I do need to put myself first in this case I think else I will be like this for much longer. Sorry for getting upset earlier I'm just very emotional and touchy.

[SeriousBob12]

It's quite alright, and likewise I apologize if I came across rudely.

 

This forum is quite supportive, at least I have found it to be in the few days I've been posting and the many months of reading.

 

I wish you only the best in your recovery. Be strong, you will get through this.

[ReturnToSender]

The end of this month will be one year since my bf and I broke up, and as of last week I was still crying over him. If thats not proof you need to do NC, I dont know what is!

 

I really wish I had stuck to my guns early on, as much as it hurt back then (and it hurt A LOT!!) it hurts now that Im still no further along. We've bounced between on NC and off this entire year... A couple of months ago, I started focusing more on myself, went back to school, spending time with friends, and have been much better off for that, but I wish I had focused on that earlier. If nothing else, maybe I wouldnt still be so sensitive and emotional after all this time. All thats happened is Ive gotten better at hiding it.

 

We're now starting to try and reconcile, but mind you, its been a year...and it could be awhile yet before I stop worrying history will repeat itself, if ever. Really wish I could go back in time, stand by my word to go NC and take the time I needed to properly heal...

 

All the same, yeah it does get better. I just took the scenic route to that....and am 100% positive that had I gone NC, though it would have been more painful at first, the better parts would have come much faster and more complete than they are for me now. You have the chance to do that now...its hard but itll be so so so worth it.

Edited November 12, 2010 by ReturnToSender

[Am4Real]

So I started NC over a week ago.

 

Breakups are in fact very hard for most of us; quite the opposite of the eventual ecstasy felt during the dating stages isn’t it?

 

The thing about breakups, especially when you’re the DUMPEE, is the healing process seems slow. Your mind is over consumed with memories, what-if thoughts, and schemes to get him or her back amongst feelings of despair.

 

Yes, they’re all normal feelings so think not of you as different or alone amongst the world.

 

You’ve taken the first step and are about to place yourself first. First before him; first before the past; first before the hurt.

 

Now you must put yourself second behind the future for as long as you delay bringing the future into your daily thoughts it will be hard to ever reach such a stage in your life.

 

Be strong in your NO CONTACT. Really focus on yourself and keeping busy. Find a new hobby or do some volunteering at a local organization, especially at this time of year as the Holiday Season approaches there are so many organizations in need of help. Surrounding yourself with others who are less fortunate is a great place to find yourself and your place in the world while giving the best of “YOU” to others who are in need.

 

Move yourself forward one day at a time. It will hurt plenty; I mean not to make it sound easy. And while each day may not be a measurable difference from the one before, each week passed can surely be an improvement over the previous one as you heal ever so steady.

 

Best wishes,

 

Am4Real