Husband of woman I'm having affair with is threatening to kill himself

[observer]

Crazy,

 

There are a few things I will let you in on...

 

First of all , the act of threatening suicide is mental abuse done BY the one threatening to do it. It does not matter what their reasoning is. It is absolutely not anyones fault if someone chooses to do this to themselves. Abusers are infamous blamers!

 

ANY PERSON reinforcing this blame is contributing to the abuser's abusive behavior! That includes the posters on this forum.

 

Second of all, take what is said on this forum with a grain of salt. Many of these people are very young, bitter, self-righteous, or just plain a**h***s who think they are just oh so special and wise. They are not all as emotionally healthy or mature as they would have you believe. But BEWARE... they are very loyal to each other! (Especially, if they post alot) It's like this mutual admiration society. A few are verbally abusive but for some reason the others condone it! Actually, reinforce it!

 

You reached out to someone. Don't beat yourself up over it. Life and love are never simple and there are not always black and white answers to every situation. Sometimes we have to look for answers in the gray.

 

Take care

[jenny]

hey shanny,

 

hope you are feeling better today. you were in my thoughts; i know these are tough times for you. g-dbless -

[Crazy123]

Thanks Observer, a very welcome response amidst all of this chaos.

 

 

Update:

 

I just got off the phone with her and it looks like shes going to try to give him another of many chances that shes attempted already. The only thing is he wants her to drop out of college. He wants her to get away from me, and well, I cant blame him. He said he cant compete, (and trust me....to those who want to bash me, that doesnt make me feel good knowing that. I get no f*k*n ego boost off of him saying that). She said shes going to look for a part time job for her and that they are going to save money over the next few months and she'll look for a job for him in PA, and they are going to move back. Her family and his family is involved with this now since she called his dad about the whole suicide thing. I told her to be happy and do what she wants to. She told me shes going to keep in touch with me while shes in PA to see how Im doing and that if things dont work out, she will get a divorce while up there. I told her it would be easier to do that there and I will always be here for her, but she said to move on if I meet another girl. And thats exactly what I will do, even though it hurts like hell right now!!! She said they had a really good day yesterday and he is trying (he finally took her and the baby out to the park). Shes going to see me at school thursday when she tells them shes leaving. She told me she misses me about 3 times, bleh, im not grabbing straws here, just saying what she said.........Oh, she still hasnt told him about what we did saturday night, so you know. Even though right now I feel like telling him, trust me I wont. I wouldn't do that to her. Thats her place to say it, not mine. But do understand Im feeling a little jaded here!!!Guess I asked for it though.

 

I feel it, I know she wants to try to make it work and Im going to give the space mainly because Im concerned with her and the baby's safety. She still cant come right out and tell me its over. Im the one reading into what shes saying and telling her what I see here and saying it. Her response is "well, its not set in stone, we'll have to see". You know, I wish she had been calling me from the road on her way to PA. With her staying here for a few more months, even though shes quitting school so she isnt around me, I dont think she has the strength to quit me. Why would she be telling me on the phone how much she misses me if she did? And I know I dont have the strenght to tell her no if she calls me sometime before she leaves and wants to see me. My God I wish I could turn back time. I would have ignored all of it for the sake of all of the hurt involved, and not just with me but everyone, his and her family included.

[BlockHead]

observer

Second of all, take what is said on this forum with a grain of salt. Many of these people are very young, bitter, self-righteous, or just plain a**h***s who think they are just oh so special and wise. They are not all as emotionally healthy or mature as they would have you believe.

Hallelujah!!! That is why I like using a dopey looking toy for an avatar and the ID BlockHead.

observer

But BEWARE... they are very loyal to each other! (Especially, if they post alot) It's like this mutual admiration society. A few are verbally abusive but for some reason the others condone it! Actually, reinforce it!

I hope I’m not one of them.

Sometimes, there is a consensus on a particular issue.

Remember, nobody is immune to stupidity.

observer

Life and love are never simple and there are not always black and white answers to every situation. Sometimes we have to look for answers in the gray.

True.

 

I’ve had a few encounters with “manipulators,” and I’ve been played for a fool on more than one occasion. Who is better than a fool to get advice from?

 

Crazy123

Sick people sometimes come in pairs, and each reinforces the other’s sickness so watch out.

Crazy123

I feel it, I know she wants to try to make it work and Im going to give the space mainly because Im concerned with her and the baby's safety.

I can’t think of anything good coming from interfering with another person’s marriage.

[ldybg51]

[font=century gothic][/font][color=green][/color]

 

I was married when I was 20. My big mistake. I did love this man very much. I thought we would be together forever. Then he cheated on me. Then I forgave him. Then he did nothing to aleviate the fact that I doubted his love for me. I met someone else and fell in love with him. I am not condoning it in anyway. And Guys I am NOT Coddling him. I just know how these things happen.

 

After I separated from my husband I tried about 5 times to work it out with him. But he never really put in any effort. Which was the problem in the first place. I wanted to know that he loved me and he didnt show it. So I knew that I could not stay with him the rest of my life and live without appreciation.

 

So I started dating the guy I had originally met. Fell in love. Had a great relationship I thought and then He just dumped me on Vday. I am crushed. I so loved him. But I am getting better.

 

So my advice is to get far away. Let her sort out her life. If there is still something there after she makes up her mind then she will come to you. Just leave her alone for now to work it out. It is the only thing that should be done. You should not hang around and let her play you both. I did that for about a month and I regret it. It hurt us all in the long run.

[Benedict]

Many of these people are very young, bitter, self-righteous, or just plain a**h***s who think they are just oh so special and wise. They are not all as emotionally healthy or mature as they would have you believe.

 

Let's see...

 

1. Very Young... no.

2. Bitter... yeah, sometimes. But I usually point that out too.

3. Self righteous... yeah, sometimes that too.

4. But I really don't think I'm an a**h***, though.

5. Special... Yeah, in my own odd way.

6. Wise... well, I usually feel a lot more confused, but sometimes wise.

7. Emotionally healthy... Sometimes. But at least I am introspective.

8. Mature... ask my band.

 

Observer, while you couch your observations in the same self-righteous arrogance that you decry in other people here, I think you have a very valid point. Nothing is in practise ever all that black and white. Certainly not when our heads are spinning and our feet are not on the ground. With one or two exceptions, I never really post anything that has already been said; my purpose would be to share something from my experience that might help somebody. Usually, I am most abrasive to those who are arrogant, since like breeds like. Crazy123 is borderline that way. Not enough to trip my trigger, but enough so to trip others'.

 

The defining characteristic of Crazy's posts are the "I know it is wrong, I know other people are hurting, but I/we just can't help myself/ourselves" tone that they have. That really does kind of fly in the face of free will, doesn't it? For every breathlessly infatuated participant in an affair, there are others who are equally anguished and hurt by that affair.

 

So, while others here (me included) see the wrongs happening in this triangle, Crazy's head isn't hitting on all cylinders right now. I am guessing that in time he will look back, having hopefully learned from his experience, and realize it too.

 

Sh*t, I am hoping the guy my wife was messing with learns the same thing...

[NEONINK]

Where you go, there you are.

 

You don't want to ever do something that will live on your conscious for the rest of your life!

If this guy did kill himself....

 

Well, let's just say, do you enjoy sleeping well at nights?

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by observer

Crazy,

 

There are a few things I will let you in on...

 

First of all , the act of threatening suicide is mental abuse done BY the one threatening to do it. It does not matter what their reasoning is. It is absolutely not anyones fault if someone chooses to do this to themselves. Abusers are infamous blamers!

 

ANY PERSON reinforcing this blame is contributing to the abuser's abusive behavior! That includes the posters on this forum.

 

Second of all, take what is said on this forum with a grain of salt. Many of these people are very young, bitter, self-righteous, or just plain a**h***s who think they are just oh so special and wise. They are not all as emotionally healthy or mature as they would have you believe. But BEWARE... they are very loyal to each other! (Especially, if they post alot) It's like this mutual admiration society. A few are verbally abusive but for some reason the others condone it! Actually, reinforce it!

 

You reached out to someone. Don't beat yourself up over it. Life and love are never simple and there are not always black and white answers to every situation. Sometimes we have to look for answers in the gray.

 

Take care

 

*Waving*

 

It must have taken a lot of courage to try and disguise yourself, to bash people here. Are you lurking around here, just looking to bash? God, how, um, creepy.

 

B'bye!! *Waving*

[hallie04]

I have been in a much similar situation, as a cheating wife, and I do agree with "befuddled".... This woman is going to drag her feet on making a decision for as long as you let her. Divorce is the most difficult decision to make and at this point she can have her cake and eat it too. Your love for her is evident, but I'm afraid you will be the one to be hurt in the end.

[observer]

OK, listen up "oh so wise ones". I am not Shanny! MY point EXACTLY.

[observer]

Crazy,

 

Letting her go is all you can do right now. I would leave the door open a crack for friendship though. Families can also invoke guilt and pressure. She may need an lifeline out. Just because you were intimate does not take away from the fact that you were a friend to her, as well. She was reaching out to you and you tried to help. It's too bad she didn't get more support from a women's group or a professional. The campus must have something like this.

 

This woman is being emotionally abused/blackmailed. She has every right to leave her marriage whenever she wants to for whatever reason she wants to. She is not her husband's possession. Marriage is not a life sentence!

 

I think she is terribly confused now and her self esteem is at an all time low. I hope she will be able to continue her education so that in the future she will be able to make good choices for herself and her child.

 

It amazes me that so many here admit to having similar dilemmas in their pasts but have such a lack of compassion now that they have "healed" or moved on. Someday you may be called upon to listen/offer help to someone in your situation. I hope that you will offer more compassion than you have received here. Please know that some of us can appreciate your willingness to reach out to a young women in crisis.

[Crazy123]

Thanks so much for the kind words Observer. You say a lot of how I feel. Im not trying to be a hero or anything, but when I met her and as I was learning more about her situation, like you said, I reached out. It wasn't some sex thing like a lot of people want to think. I live in a lively downtown district and within walking distance of all the hotspots, if I just wanted sex, it wouldnt be a problem. I grew past that about age 27 though. Im one of the few guys that doesn't look for 1 night stands, I like to get to know a girl and her personality first. This one just touched my heart in every way that one hasn't come along and done yet. I have to face the facts though, and coming here, reading a lot of what others have went through, the fact is she will probably never leave him. I want to do something to shake some sense into her and make her really realize how bad this is that shes allowing him to manipulate her like he is, but she's letting him. Like someone said before, Im looking like the fool here. But she sure is good company and great to be around. I havent found the strenght to tell her no, that this is over. She cant say the same to me either. She keeps coming to see me about every other day, and Im quite a drive away.

 

Im pretty much seeing this for what it is, a fantasy of hers or whatever, (she was always saying Im one of those guys she could never have - maybe thats what she really wants, and stupid me I wont say no to her, heh.) She just wants a fling with someone like me because of the attraction and chemistry and because she gets something from me that she doesnt from him. i guess shes caught up in the excitement too. Ive already began pulling my heart out of this and I will eventually be open to something with someone new somewhere down the road. I really thought we had something strong and that she was about to leave him, but being inexperienced in this kind of stuff, I didnt put up any caution, I just plunged head and heart first into it. Eh, i definitely learned a lesson.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by Crazy123

Thanks Observer, a very welcome response amidst all of this chaos.

 

 

Update:

 

. Even though right now I feel like telling him, trust me I wont. I wouldn't do that to her. Thats her place to say it, not mine. But do understand Im feeling a little jaded here!!!Guess I asked for it though.

 

 

Yeah, cause that would be an ego stroke now wouldn't it?

 

Anyway, move on and chaulk it up as a learning experience.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by observer

Please know that some of us can appreciate your willingness to reach out to a young women in crisis.

 

Yeah, because reaching out to a young woman in crisis means ending up in an emotional affair with her (and her husband) and then a physical affair. Instead of being a friend to talk to/provide support.

[jenny]

Im not trying to be a hero or anything

 

i don't think there is much chance of that.

 

to preface: i like accountability and honesty about motives. it's almost a fetish with me. your posts really make me angry because they seemed to refuse to acknowkedge what you are doing. dude, you cheated on a married man. i'm not going to twig about the morality of cheating, but know what you are and what you did. don't cloak it in some lame-ass fairy tale of rescue.

 

i'm really glad you are getting out of this situation; and i think you are actually really brave for doing so. it was tacky from from the get-go. but let's not rewrite history: you were not a hero. you were human and you were used.

 

you seriously deserve better than this girl; i wish you well - in a month or two this will just seem like a bad dream.

[Crazy123]

Originally posted by jenny

dude, you cheated on a married man.

 

 

 

 

 

Do you really think I cared about that though? At the time that all of this was developing, I could have cared less about what marriage morals were involved because I was falling in love. She said so much to me and looked at me in a way that I havent experienced. Theres no cloaking involved, as I got to know her, I wanted this woman. And she wanted me. Yep, I thought this would just be a fling at first, (regular flirting, maybe a romp in the bedroom) and no hearts would get involved. But you just dont know all of the things she said to me and the letters she wrote me. And like the fool I was, that I can see now, I responded with my heart because she said her heart was into this. And she convinced me that she was leaving him and that she was in love with me. I really thought that I met my true soulmate. It was unbelievable the way we were together and I want that from a relationship. Then he played the whole suicide BS and everything changed. Whether he would do it or not, it's BS to manipulate someone with a drastic measure like that. He needs help and medication. I think she does too.

 

Out of all of this though, I feel more sorry for the baby than anything. Her baby deserves to be in a happy home. He is so adorable and playful. He just turned 1 a month ago and is starting to develop his personality. I've never seen the angry side of her, but she told me when she gets mad at her husband, she doesnt like the way she is and her baby picks up on the tension.

 

 

 

 

 

One positive thing I've learned from this is that Im definitely going to be a good Dad some day. I really enjoyed being around him and doing things with both her and her baby. Thats probably another reason my heart got so involved.

[Fritz]

Originally posted by Crazy123

Do you really think I cared about that though? At the time that all of this was developing, I could have cared less about what marriage morals were involved because I was falling in love.

 

Being blinded by love doesn't absolve you of what you did.

[Crazy123]

did I say that? no, have I called myself innocent? no, and neither is she, hell she started this whole thing. it takes 2 though and im guilty.

[Guest]

hi there i am in the same situation my self but i am the woman in this part.

i do not think this man is been selfish at all.

he loves this woman and she loves him how can love be selfish.

my boyfriend says he will kill himself if i leave him 2 how do you think this makes me feel now i have to stay with my boyfriend until i know he is back on his feet but one day soon i am going to pluck up the courage and leave him but we will not do this in his face me my daughter him and his daughter are going to run away to a diff county.

what else can you do when your in love.

[JamesM]

Guest, feel free to register and start a thread. Please give as much detail as possible. Since this is such an old post, it may be better if you started your own. I am willing to guess thatyou will find some help here.

[puddleofmud]

This entire thread makes the hair stand up on my arms with dread! I rarely speak strongly and usually remain somewhat objective with fairly general replies.

Not this time!

Someone is likely to get killed and it's not going to be the husband.

This is a tragic mix waiting to blow up in the worst way.

1.) make one last call: to the POLICE not from vengence but from concern about her being in a safe place with her child (which is NOT with you!!!!)

2.) disappear: change your number, do not speak with anyone involved even if they should "find you" and do not respond in any kind of crisis contact other than to call the police

3.) document on paper every thing you have told us here, dates, times, places, etc. Keep your phone records and hotel receipts, etc.

4.) be prepared to later become a factor in court regarding a nasty divorce and child custody battle, social service investigation (or worse) as you may expect that at some time in the future you will open the door to a court appointed "process server"

5.) be prepared that you won't be the hero but used as the fall guy when this lady needs to survive later and know she will use anything she may just as she has now to get what she needs and that the current husband will do so as well.

[JamesM]

puddle, the original thread is from March of 2004.

 

Since it is two years old, I think guest may benefit from a new thread.

[puddleofmud]

puddle, the original thread is from March of 2004.

 

Since it is two years old, I think guest may benefit from a new thread.

 

Silly me! Because I would rather not reply to just a post I tend to read an entire thread but I neglected the dates. I will pay better attention and it was most kind of you to have pointed out my boo boo!

 

I shoud hope that my reply wouldn't put Miss Guest off and as you have I hope she comes back.