Husband of woman I'm having affair with is threatening to kill himself

March 8, 2004

You're right in one way Clia, it is her situation to deal with. But hey, I have to deal with this too. I came here just to do that and get some other's viewpoints. Didnt realize I would be bashed and judged so hard by a few of the ones here, but thats life and people for ya.

Thanks

March 8, 2004

Twasn't your situation, it was the way you're handling yourself, and reconciling your indiscretions by refusing to take responsibility.

Oh yeah,

March 8, 2004

I'm not jumping to any conclusions. I'm responding based strictly on the info you're providing. You said you and her only had 1 drink? No you didn't. Go back and re-read. You wrote that she felt stressed and wanted to "go for drinks." You didn't specify at all.

When I asked you if she left the baby with her husband, not long after calling the cops on him, you said she took the baby with her. So I based my response on that...that what you were saying was that when you met her, went for drinks and then back to the hotel, the baby was still with her. I assumed nothing, I went strictly by what you were writing.

I'm not getting any kick out of this. It doesn't directly or indirectly affect me at all. I don't know you, or her, or her husband.

I do, however, feel sorry for her baby. There must be a whole lot of tension and discontent in that home...and even little babies can pick up on that. Time she's spending with you, she should be spending with her child. Time she spent at the hotel with you, she should have been at home in her own bed, under the same roof as her child.

Any women in her right mind, if her husband was threatening to commit suicide is she left him...who is obviously that unstable to make such a threat, would not EVER feel safe leaving her baby alone with him.........for he could not only kill himself, he could take the child with him. You and she are none too bright. Both selfish and thinking only of yourself. I know you don't get that, though. Hell, you started your original post by bragging about other married women you've had dealings with in the past. This must be some ego-boost for you, that you bagged someone's wife.

March 8, 2004

bef, in my second post, thrid paragraph from the bottom:

it says: So we left, went to a club and had 1 drink and talked some more.

See what I mean, i told you i know your type. How old are you? 15?

March 8, 2004

Originally posted by Crazy123
How old are you? 15?

Yeah.

Anyway, you have this delusion that everyone is thinking rationally, when in fact, none of you are.

She's trying to have her cake and eat it too, while she SHOULD be in therapy with the man she married. You're distracting her from dealing with something that you can't just sever and not expect repurcussions--especially in a case where it threatens all four of your lives, including an innocent baby.

March 8, 2004

bef:

"Hell, you started your original post by bragging about other married women you've had dealings with in the past."

once again, you're putting words in my mouth. i said i have messed with 1 married woman before in my life. We worked together, and no sex happened, no groping either. We just kissed some and it only went on for about a week because i changed jobs.

March 8, 2004

You're right Dyer. Thanks for saying that without flaming me so bad unlike someone else, lol.

i know. I should just put a stop to this. Its hard to get to that conclusion though.

March 8, 2004

Originally posted by Crazy123
I should just put a stop to this. Its hard to get to that conclusion though.

Didn't you just?

March 8, 2004

no Dyer, we didnt. She told me last night that she doesnt want to end this with me. I think she wanted to sleep with me because her husband is trying to force her to stay with him by threatening suicide. She told me before, when we first started this, that she didnt want to have sex until it was over between them because that was the one part of her that he had, and she hadn't shared that with me yet. This was also before she was telling me shes in love with me(maybe that had something to do with it too). So last night she wanted to, and was i supposed to say no? yea, probably, but I didnt.

March 8, 2004

It's not about not sleeping with her, it's about not indulging in the destruction of a relationship, and possibly a human life.

March 8, 2004

bef, no I dont get an ego boost from being with another man's wife, but im sure you dont believe me, you dont like me and dont want to believe that. Well, i have no reason to lie. Nobody here knows me, Im not trying to protect a reputation. Im just saying how I feel. Thats the beauty of anonymity and forums. You can lay everything out for everyone to see. In real life, im a direct individual. I have people who trust in me a lot and talk to me a lot because Im a good listener and usually good at giving advice.

Now the tables have turned. i need some advice and only 2 of my friends in real life know about this because most of my friends are married and I dont want them to hate me or turn against me. If I had to do this all over again, I would not have flirted back and I would have just thrown her number away. I didnt know we would develop feelings this strong and this situation would get to where it is. I know what I should do but I have to get to that point to where I want to do it.

March 8, 2004

Originally posted by Crazy123
I know what I should do but I have to get to that point to where I want to do it.

Hopefully no one has to die to bring you to that point.

March 8, 2004

She wants to leave him anyway. He said he cant live w/o her. Even if i wasnt in the picture and she tried to leave, hes still going to use that against her.

Im probably going to pull myself out of this picture before long. So what should she do if hes still saying that? Shouldnt she still try to find some help for him? She said she wants out of the marriage too because shes always angry and mad and yelling at him cuz he doesnt do anything and she doesnt like being that way around her baby. It makes him cry.

March 8, 2004

They have a child, she has a moral obligation to stay and get therapy until the husband is mentally competent to be alone.

March 8, 2004

So much melodrama. Before I go off on my rant and you accuse me of being judgmental, let me just say that I am judgy like that.

It's a wonder I was able to sort through all your posts. There was just so much BS to wade through.

A few observations:

1. Why you're in this mess: Either you have nothing better to do or you thoroughly enjoy the fact that your life is playing out like some soap opera.

2. This woman has serious issues. She's also just plain selfish and cruel. She's married, has a child, has an affair with you, taunts her husband with the affair, continues sleeping with you, lets her husband think everything is ok, continues to sleep with you, taunts her husband with the affair.... I could go on and on, but you get the point.

I don't know this woman and yet, based on what you've told me, instead of feeling sympathy for her, I don't like her.

I don't know if you realize this, but the picture you painted for us wasn't of some poor, unhappy housewife, powerless to get out of a difficult situation, seeking comfort and affection in the arms of some noble hero (sounds like a horribly cliched country western song). What I picture instead is some immature, selfish, cruel and MANIPULATIVE woman who enjoys playing puppeteer with her lover and her husband.

If you truly do love her and if you have even an ounce of respect for her, you'll leave her alone and give her time to sort herself out.

Better yet, if you have any self-respect at all, you'll leave this mess behind and find someone more suitable for you, i.e. actually single, not still married or involved and not a manipulative head case whose primary interest in life (please forgive the profanity) is mindf*cking others.

But then again maybe you deserve each other. She loves writing and directing all this drama and you certainly seem to enjoy playing a part in it.

March 8, 2004

Here's a thought.

Why don't you give her some time to sort out her marriage. If you two truly have something special a little time will only make that stronger.

A second thing worthwhile to consider. She has cheated on and lied to her husband. Is that what you are looking for in a mate? What happens when you become the husband she is no longer infatuated with? You do of course realize that you are her rebound relationship. There are reasons why rebound relationships fail 85% of the time.

March 8, 2004

iamnothing:

"taunts her husband with the affair, continues sleeping with you, lets her husband think everything is ok, continues to sleep with you, taunts her husband with the affair.... I could go on and on, but you get the point."

We slept together once. It just happened the other night. Thats why Im where I am. Im trying to sort this out in my head and posting here to get some other's viewpoints. No i dont enjoy this soap opera. This is the first time I have went this far with a married woman (the 1st and only other married woman I have ever messed around with 10 years ago, we only kissed and no "i love yous" were exchanged). You think I have nothing better to do and Im in this for some kind of fun? Sh*t, you just dont get this and probably dont care to do anything but ridicule me and her. Im in love with her and yes, im stupid and a fool for it like some people here are saying, but I am in love with her. Shes married and I shouldnt have let it go this far, I know that, but it did and I cant turn it back around and start over. If she is playing as a pupeteer then time will tell, and hopefully she will come clean with me and tell me, "look, Ive been playing both of you and I need to stop so Im ending things with you". Trust me, I would rather she say that to me than to drag me through this if shes never going to leave. But so far, she keeps saying she wants to leave him and she isnt going to end things with me. Ive told her not to string me along if shes not going to leave, Ive asked her plenty of times "do you want to end this with us?", and she says no. But now in the last 2 weeks, hes using this suicide threat and she doesnt want him to do that.

As far as finding someone more suitable for me, trust me, Ive tried and thats why Im not married yet. I know I want her, and we've talked about possible marriage but she and I both dont know about that and would give it a lot of time to see how we went before taking that step. I know the stats and have thought of the fact she would probably cheat on me. Well, if I started treating her like he is and has been doing for the past year, then I would expect her to cheat on me.

March 8, 2004

wfom:

"Why don't you give her some time to sort out her marriage. If you two truly have something special a little time will only make that stronger."

Thanks wfom, thats exactly what I am thinking about. Time will definitely tell because she has to figure out how to get herself and her baby away from him, but she doesnt want him to do something stupid. So theres definitely going to be a lot of time with this whole thing.

This is the last time I ever get involved with a married woman.

March 8, 2004

Thanks for speaking up Iamnothing -- I agree with you.

Crazy123 - you are in your 30's -- its about time you grow up and realize that love does not rule-out common sense and decency. Things don't just happen. You might fall in love, but you make the decisions for your actions and you need to start taking responsibility for yourself. You can't take responsibility for her.

I'm not sure what you wanted when you posted. It sounds like you just want to argure and vent with others and this isn't always a bad thing -- it can help you clear your own mind sometimes and you can say things to strangers that you don't want to say to friends.

The girl you love doesn't sound like a mature woman who honestly cares about your feelings. She sounds like a spoiled brat who has enmeshed herself in an adult situation that she doesn't have the skills to handle.

As for her husband - if he is serious about commiting suicide, call a suicide prevention hotline and talk to them. There are some legal authorities that can intervene on his behalf if it is really thought that he is a danger to himself.

Remember - we are only getting your side of the story and you are only getting her side of the story. We don't know what is actually going on or how serious the threats and accusations are, or the personal disposition of those involved, so the responses you get will be based on how we each read your side of things.

To me it sounds like you are scrambling to find a way to justify the decisions you have made because you beginning to realize how poor those decisions are/were and you are a bit embarassed by having made them at your age.

Life is full of heartbreak, but life goes on and we find ways to cope and move on with our lives, hopefully taking with us some knowledge and some skills so that we don't make the same mistakes again. Good Luck.

March 8, 2004

Thanks for your input Errol. I havent just got her side of the story though. Ive talked to him and hes admitted to everything she said.

yes, i do feel immature about this, and see her immaturity as well. Im not interested in finding a way to justify it. I cant justify it really. Its happened though. And thats what I have to deal with and came here to get other's opinions. Flame or no flame. I invited responses and said for people to speak their mind. I can take the criticism but at the same time I will respond to some of it especially when its put to me like bef has been doing.

I thought this section was for people who are the other man/woman from other affairs and marriages and was hoping to get some feedback from some of them that have experiences to draw from. I knew some would respond that havent done anything like that before, and those are the holier than thou responses i knew to expect. I can tell some of the very judgemental and critical responses to me have been from people who haven't been the other man/woman. And this isnt just about sex.

The fact is this happened. I accept responsibility, (Im not running from it or trying to hide it, and neither is she). Ive read quite a few posts here where the married man or woman is hiding the other fling. Thats not happening in this situation. So its not a responsibility issue with me and Im not looking to justify it. But it happened and this is where I am now and Im trying to figure out what to do. I want to leave it and tell her to get her divorce first, but I cant just cut all contact with her especially when shes telling me to not leave her and that she needs me. I want to be here for her.

March 8, 2004

It would be a bad situation even if she wasn't cheating on her husband, but your wish to stay and support her will make it even worse. She has to take the initiative to get out of a marriage she isn't happy in. Her child should be her primary concern, and it's an unstable household.

Her begging you to stay is using you as an emotional crutch. Her husband's suicical threats if she leaves him is using her as an emotional crutch. She shouldn't stay for him, and you shouldn't stay for her.

March 8, 2004

let's slow down and really think about what you have done. let's say this woman is really is troubled, and her husband is neglectful. what is the correct and kind thing for a woman to do in that situation?

a. leave it and start off on her own, getting financial support from the baby's father. start dating anew after she sorts herself and the divorce out.

b. start an emotional affair with another man and pit him against her husband. create as much drama as possible.

i just want you to consider what you have agreed to by getting involved with this woman. here is the equation that you have implicitly agreed is accurate:

- husband's exhaustion after work + his taping of television shows +her emotional needs unfulfilled =

justification of an emotional affair followed by a physical affair.

i can't believe that you truly think this is a logical or ethical computation. surely you would not want your future wife to follow this new math?

i do not think you are evil, just very, very, naive. this woman has your brain addled by drama and her own neediness. what a mess. i think the worst part of this whole situation is your belief that you are living out a narrative of true love, two souls bonded together despite circumstances and against all odds and suicidal husbands.

i'm aesthetically offended, actually. you should be too. there are better 'pulp love' tales in cosmo, even.

you have swallowed a wopper of drama here, and you are likely to get dragged into being the next of many meal tickets for this woman. i'm not even going to participate into your sunday-night-movie feigned concern for her husband - i expect he'll be alright. he is certainly better off without her. he is certainly better off not being in your current situation: as the chump.

i give her five years of living off of you before diary entries begin to appear about you, before your domestic foibles are cited as (arbitrary) precedent for her infidelities, before your money is spent in meeting with and bonding with another man. maybe you'll be desperate to get her back, but maybe you'll be smarter and more sophisticated by then. i hope so.

cheers!

March 8, 2004

bleh, ok. poor me, im such a chump.

She knows I would dump her if we ended up together and she started messing around, Ive already told her that. She asked me about it. I also told her if I neglected her and the baby and drowned myself in tv and hanging out with friends, drinking and smoking all the time, then I would understand if she wanted to leave and made a connection with another man. She says thats another reason she wants to leave her husband because he doesnt have the dignity to say to her if she isnt happy and she "wants someone else, then I dont want to keep you in this".......well, he said that saturday, but he said if she leaves, he will kill himself. Yea he'll be ok, just like you said Jenny.

You know, I hope the guy wouldnt do something like that and he would be ok. Then she could get on with her life and maybe we would try being together and we would see if everything unfolded like the picture you're trying to paint of our future. Thats for me to deal with and I've thought about the using and cheating and all of that. Regardless, lets take me out of the picture for a second. I still want to see her get out of an unhappy marriage, especially one to a crazy man threatning suicide. Its not safe for her or her baby. I think Im going to try to encourage her to move back home. She'll be around a huge support system from her family and we can give this time and if its meant to be, then it is. If not, then I learned something from this and to never get into this kind of a mess ever again.

March 8, 2004

but he said if she leaves, he will kill himself. Yea he'll be ok, just like you said Jenny.

let me get this straight. you are worried about my disregard for the welfare of the husband?

interesting.

i honestly do hope the husband is not as prone to melodrama as the two of you need to be. i suspect he is the strong, normal, one in this ordeal, simply because the law of averages suggests that someone around there must be sane.

good luck to you both. you will need it.

p.s. as a kinder postscript, i do not think your feelings and your future should be something to preface with "regardless" - i would regard them as important. weirdly, i think you are really trying to do the right thing here, but there are some obvious problems with this woman you either are not seeing or not acknowledging in your posts.

March 8, 2004

Crazy123
She just settled because he asked her to marry him and she said she gave up looking for what she has with me, she thought he was the best she could do and he was being really good to her and she felt good because he asked her to be his wife.

I don’t think she takes marriage seriously.

Crazy123
Hes been treating her like this for a year now.

Are you only hearing her side of the story? I wish I could live in a world where I can trust anybody.

Crazy123
And yes I know this could get me killed, been there and thought about that already.

How noble of you. Maybe after both of you are dead, she can hook up with a hunk.

Crazy123
So shes supposed to just continue being his slave? living miserable with a man whose not there for her other than paying bills? If it wasnt with me, Im sure it would have been with some other guy. Im sorry you feel so much haste towards me, thats your opinion though. Im not brainwashing her.

Maybe you are being brainwashed.

Iamnotnothing
What I picture instead is some immature, selfish, cruel and MANIPULATIVE woman who enjoys playing puppeteer with her lover and her husband.

I agree. She is using Mr. Crazy123 for leverage, and her husband is using his life. A power struggle? Maybe her husband is hoping that she still values his life, or that maybe she will feel guilt. Not a good strategy.

Crazy123
If she is playing as a pupeteer then time will tell, and hopefully she will come clean with me and tell me, "look, Ive been playing both of you and I need to stop so Im ending things with you".

I don’t think I’ve ever seen an honest or caring manipulator.

Crazy123

I think she has you around her little finger.

I recommend you avoid married women. I don’t care if her vagina is made of pure gold. Don’t even think about it.

Sometimes, the nicest sweetest people in this world are also the cruelest.

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