Husband of woman I'm having affair with is threatening to kill himself

March 8, 2004

Hi, Ive been reading this forum now for about 2 weeks and it has helped me through some tough days. Im glad this is here. Guess I'll go ahead and share a little of my situation for anyone who cares to offer some opinions and advice.

Anyway, to sum it up, I met a married woman in college and we were both instantly attracted to each other and couldnt take our eyes off of one another. Shes 25(in her first marriage), Im 31 (im single, never married, no kids) and she gave me her phone number but said call after 3. I was trying to get her name, but she was so nervous to talk to me, all she could say was everyhthing was on the note, then she turned and went back to class. It was funny, kind of like we were in middle school or something. Im usually shy anyway.

So I called, we started talking and found out we had a lot in common, except the marriage part. So I found out she was married, has a 13 month old boy and she has been married a year and a half. Shes very unhappy with her marriage because her hubby doesnt care to do anything but watch about 6 hours of tv shows when he gets home at night from work (some of them hes recorded while at work, so she cant even use the vcr so she can put in shows for her baby). He has a job, and pays the bills but he doesnt do anything else. Shes trying to go to school full time, do homework and take care of an infant, plus all of the house chores, but its not like she should have to do everything. Shes tried to get him to help but he just doesnt care. He even makes her take the baby in another room if the baby is being too loud while hes trying to watch tv. But after she got pregnant and had the baby, she said he quit showing her affection, just wanted to lay around and sleep, watch tv all the time, and hardly helped her with their baby. She had to ask for hugs, they hardly had sex and he never paid her compliments so she felt ugly from having the baby. She basically became emotionally disattached from him because thats what he was doing to her. She even put a PI on him because she thought he was having an affair. This has been going on since last february. She tried talking things out with him time after time, kept threatning to leave, but she felt trapped having an infant and no job, and she really wanted to try to make the marriage work.

As we kept seeing each other at school and talking on the phone, the chemistry and attraction just kept getting stronger and stronger. I've messed with a married woman 1 time when I was 21, so Im not the type to really want to get involved with them. Ive flirted with and talked to married women a few times in my life but just dont take it past that. But with this one, Dorothy, I could tell this might turn into something and it scared the crap out of me. She was everything I look for in a woman, beautiful, a good mother, she had passion, she wanted something out of life. And just the way we are when we're together. She came over to my place one night and we kissed and things have moved pretty fast from there over the last month now. We'll go to kiss each other and our noses will touch and spark, and we're not standing on carpet. I'll be walking around with her outside or in a store and just about every time I go to touch her arm or neck, its like static electricity sparking, but that doesnt happen on cement, right? Im crazy about her and Im in love with her. I know its wrong because shes married, but I just dont care. (i know some people will want to bash me, but I can take it if you feel the need to. It just wont do any good). I feel something with this woman that I have never felt with other women before. And she feels it too. She said shes never had this kind of chemistry with someone, even when her and the hubby met. She says this is the first time shes had an affair. I asked her that early on because I knew this was getting strong and I didnt want to be some toy.

After about a week and a half, she told him about us. She said she cant stand hiding things and doesnt like to lie. She told him he should go find someone because hes lost her and shes got somebody else. Then all of a sudden he wants to change. So far we hadn't had sex. We had came close a few times, but she said it just wouldnt feel right, and I wasnt trying to rush her. We did other things, but no actual intercourse. She said a while back, her hubby made the comment that if she ever cheated on him, he would leave her. And thats what she wanted him to do now. So here she was, cheating (w/o sex though) and he was saying it could be fixed since we hadnt had sex yet. He didnt want her to leave him. And he cried and begged and cried and begged. I even talked to him on the phone one night when she called him from my place and he was begging me to get out of the picture so they could work things out. I told him, it takes two. Shes coming to see me, she approached me with the phone number, and of course Im glad she did and I keep it going, i know that. She says she doesnt wants to get me out of the picture and I asked him" what, you expect me to fix the mistakes you made?" I told him he should have thought about all of this while he was ignoring her and their baby the past year. I took her and the baby to the park and zoo for the first time last weekend. He sat in a swing for the first time. I cant believe the kind of dad this guy is, and hes got a beautiful healthy baby. This baby hardly cries, hes always smiling and laughing. And this woman is beautiful. Shes done some modeling, until they got married and he made her stop. And Ive seen him, hes no catch. She just settled because he asked her to marry him and she said she gave up looking for what she has with me, she thought he was the best she could do and he was being really good to her and she felt good because he asked her to be his wife. But he changed all of that about the 6th month of her being pregnant. She let me read some of her journal and she summed it up in one sentence, "Hes not the man I married, I dont know who he is anymore."

So now the guy is saying he will kill himself if she leaves him. He doesnt want to lose his baby and he feels he cant live without her. She told him I would never step on his toes about the baby. I would be good to the baby and treat him like hes mine, but I would never try to come between them two. She said she wants him in his life. A lot more has been said but I dont have a lot of time right now. But shes scared he will kill himself and she says she could not live with that guilt if she left him and he did that. I know hes bluffing, hes just using that because thats all thats left for anyone to use. Ive confronted him on the phone about it, and he hands the phone back to her because he knows I can tell hes just saying that.

But she doesnt know what to do and I dont know what to do. She wants to try to leave him slowly so she can make him see that he will be fine if they get divorced. Me, from my standpoint, I cant believe this guy. Im like, if my wife didnt want to be with me, and the only way I can keep her is by saying i will kill myself, then why be miserable and try to keep this going? Shes thinking of another man anyway.

They've only been married a year and a half and I told her she should get out of this now while the baby is still real young and before this turns into something that could drag out over 5 years or more.

Sorry this was so long, I'll check back later.

March 8, 2004

You have to understand that while you're in love with the idea of this stellar woman, she has a family with someone else. If she leaves for you, and her husband kills himself, you *do* have some responsibility in that.

I have little belief that you'll do the right thing, but here goes:

Tell the other woman that you're amazingly fond of what could have been, and the pain associated with this affair will never quite go away. Nevertheless, she should go to therapy WITH her husband, and work on their relationship, at least to a point in which they can part peacefully. During this time, don't contact her at all. If she's separated from her husband, and both are healthy, you could pursue a relationship with the now single woman.

March 8, 2004

Ok, back.

Anyway, she told him about a week ago she would end things with me and they were going to start seeing a marriage counselor. But she told me shes just going to let him think that because he has started changing some and hes doing more things around the house and with the baby and shes thinking he will just go back to his old ways once he thinks Im out of the picture. I have told her about 5 times that she cant string me along with this. She asked me to be patient and I said I would but its not right for me to wait around if shes never going to leave. She asked me to please giver her some time and that she needs me.

She lives about 45 miles away from me. So she comes to see me one night and he could tell something was up and she didnt lie to him when he called her cell phone. He started crying and asked her why she was over at my place and why shes doing this and she told him "because he gives me something you cant".

2 nights ago, she came over with the baby and we went out to eat. It was our first time in a restaurant with the baby. i told her she was the prettiest woman in that place and i felt like a million dollars being in there with her and the baby. Once again, she told me "please dont leave me, I just need some time" I told her as long as I know she wants me then I wouldnt give up on us.

She says she cant stand to be around him, he has very bad breath body odor and she hates it when he kisses her goodbye for work. She has to tell him to brush his teeth and put on some deoderant before he leaves for work. She said its like taking care of a big kid. He doesnt look at her, touch her or hold her like I do. And she cant look at him the way she looks at me. She said she wishes she could feel for him the way she does for me but theres no way because we are too different. When we kiss, its soft, slow, passionate, then gets intense. She doesnt even want to try to kiss him like that now. She said he tried the other night, and she told him it just felt weird because he hasnt tried to kiss her in so long and she doesnt enjoy it. He told her she has to give him a chance and get over me if they're ever going to get it worked out but she said its not there with him; it is with me and she was sorry.

So last night, she calls me, crying and shes telling me its over and I could tell he was right there with her. I asked her if hes right there and she said yes, so I told her to put him on the phone. I said why do you want to be with a woman whose thinking of another man while shes with you? and he said he told her that if she wants to leave and be happy with me, then to go ahead but he would kill himself. i said BS, you're using that as a last resort, I said man, where is your self dignity and pride, and if you really loved her so much, why were you ignoring her and treating her so bad. He siad he admits he messed up and hes trying to fix it. I told him hes done so much damage over the last year that it cant be fixed and he said "well, I think it can" then I told him hes more concerned about losing his maid and cook than anything else, and he just handed the phone back to her. So we got off the phone, he made her.

She called me back about 15 minutes later and said she was going to call the law and see if there was something that could be done since he was threatning harm to himself. And she said she would call me in an hour and that her and her baby might have to come stay at my place for the night. So she calls me back and tells me to meet her somewhere. i went there and we were talking about this whole thing. She said the cops came out but he seemed to be acting mentally competent to them so there was nothing they could do. He told her to end things with me now and thats why she had the car and was meeting me. I asked her is that what you want to do and she said no, but it was a way for her to get out and come see me. So we're talking and shes stressed and wanted to go get a few drinks (neither of us drink regularly). So we left, went to a club and had 1 drink and talked some more. Then she said she wanted to do something with me we hadnt done yet. So I said are you sure? and she said yes. So we go get a room and you can imagine the rest.

He had that one part of her that she hadnt given up to me yet because she didnt want to do that to him until they were separated or divorced. But that was over with last night. It was great to finally be with her like that. She told me not to tell him what happened if we talk but I told her, "I know you, I wont have to tell him". So who knows whats going to happen now. We live 12 hours from their hometown and hes been saying he wants to go back to PA but she told him she wants to finish her degree first.

I dont know whats going to happen but I know I wish she was here with me right now. I know the guy isnt going to kill himself but she has to realize somehow that it isnt her fault even if he does. She cant come to that conclusion yet. And I told her shes going to make a huge mistake if she stays with him just because of that. And Im not going to do this forever.

March 8, 2004

"You have to understand that while you're in love with the idea of this stellar woman, she has a family with someone else. If she leaves for you, and her husband kills himself, you *do* have some responsibility in that."

Thanks for the input Dyer

Im not in love with an idea btw.

If her H is going to be a coward and do something stupid like that, I cant see it being my responsibility. He would do something like that eventually anyway whether she leaves for another man or leaves for the sake of leaving. I mean, think about it. Hes been treating her like this for a year now. Im surprised its taken her this long to have an affair. I really dont think he will, he has a huge rich family to fall back on for support.

March 8, 2004

She may just be stringing you along, Tell her you won't see her until she is seperated or divorced.

March 8, 2004

Originally posted by Crazy123
Im not in love with an idea btw.

I forget who said something like it, but it was brilliant. Right now, you're sipping coffee (oh yes, it was Faux, and it was tea, not coffee) with sugar and cream in it. Until you know what the coffee tastes like black, you won't know whether you wish to continue sipping, or whether you just like the milk and sugar.

If her H is going to be a coward and do something stupid like that, I cant see it being my responsibility.

This is because you can't take any responsibility for what you're doing in the situation, rather you're reconciling things with your desire to continue seeing this woman. Do you honestly think anyone here can convince you otherwise? Tell us what you want to hear man, I'll come on as a guest and say it.

March 8, 2004

First of all, I think you are quite arrogant. You must think you are pretty tough, talking to the husband of your MW (married woman), the way you do. It must be a real power trip to sit there in judgment of him, and rag on him.

No offense, but you're none too bright. You're looking to get yourself killed by her husband. Desperate people do desperate things. And there you are, both of you (you and her), flaunting this affair in his face.

A week ago around where I live, my brother inlaw's cousin's (female) life changed forever.

She was married, with 2 little boys. She didn't have a good marriage, possibly an abusive marriage. She left the husband, and moved in with the guy she was having an affair with. To make a long story short, her husband got himself a sawed-off shotgun...went out to the other guy's property where they were........he shot the boyfriend at point blank range, in the chest. Killed him. He then chased her through the bush, shot at her, I'm sure trying to kill her. He ended up missing, ended up shooting off both of her breasts. She nearly bled to death. He then went back to the house and turned the gun on himself.

As you can imagine, everyone is in shock. The wife, she has to live with this...her lover being dead, her husband being dead, and her two sons having to grow up without a father......all because she chose to shack up with some other guy.

It's really fine and dandy of you to come along and interject yourself into her life......and by comparison, make yourself seem like the cat's a$$.......because of you, she's likely seeing things about him that she doesn't like, that she hadn't even noticed before. You're taking complete advantage of someone who needs to sit down with their husband and work on it.....it was, afterall, a lifetime commitment that was made.

You are screwing with her head and likely brainwashing her into not even trying to work on her marriage. At the rate you're going, her son is going to surely grow up the child of a broken home. Don't you care about that?

Sometimes people need a wake-up call. You have no idea what was going on with her husband. Maybe he was depressed, maybe like a lot of new Dads, he felt overwhelmed with the responsibility of being a new Dad and having a family to support......maybe he felt "left out" because the baby was now getting all the attention. There are many complex dynamics at play when it comes to a young couple having a baby for the first time.

You are taking advantage of the situation.

And you're so darn arrogant about it.

You have no idea in the world if he will or will not kill himself. That's fine that you don't care if he does...but it will be her that has to live with it for the rest of her life. She will spend the rest of her life knowing that had she not gotten involved with you, her husband wouldn't have felt no choice but to take such a desperate measure.

You are selfish, my friend.

March 8, 2004

Dyer, theres no plan, or some big thing I want to hear. Say what you want, you dont have to do it as a guest unless you really want to.

And dark, I wish I could say that to her. But Im crazy about her. Theres something between us that I just cant simply walk away from........unless she tells me. I told her I will be patient with her as long as I know she wants me. But i'll tell you guys this, Im not going to do this for too long. I dont know what kind of time limit to put on it, maybe 6 months or so. Shes already told him she wants to move out and get her own place because she wants some time away from him so she can think clearly. Now whether she does it or not remains to be seen. But its a step in the right direction if you ask me. She told him she wont stop seeing him and he could come by to see the baby. She says she has to do this slowly so she can convince him that he can live w/o her.

I should probably just register here right? lol

March 8, 2004

Originally posted by Crazy123
Theres something between us that I just cant simply walk away from........unless she tells me.

This is not because of cosmic force, this is because of selfishness.

I should probably just register here right? lol

Not really, befuddled is a member of our community who posts a crapload without being registered--and she's usually right on (like this time, see above)

March 8, 2004

"because of you, she's likely seeing things about him that she doesn't like, that she hadn't even noticed before. You're taking complete advantage of someone who needs to sit down with their husband and work on it.....it was, afterall, a lifetime commitment that was made."

Nope, i said earlier that this has been going on for over a year now, you must have missed that part. And the whole thing you are calling "flaunting" she said he made a comment that if she ever cheated on him, he would leave. So she told him. Call it arrogant if you want to, whatever. And yes I know this could get me killed, been there and thought about that already.

March 8, 2004

Who is this woman pretending with? You, her husband, or you both?

She hasn't ended a relationship with either her husband or with you. Even if it is true her husband is threatening to hurt himself if she leaves, it's a situation she is going to have to deal with. Pretending to be a happy wife isn't going to work.

Whether she stays in this marriage or finally makes an effort to get a divorce, it's for the best that you stay out of the entire situation until she is a single woman and her husband and all his supposed flaws is clearly out of the picture.

March 8, 2004

Bef said:

"You have no idea in the world if he will or will not kill himself. That's fine that you don't care if he does...but it will be her that has to live with it for the rest of her life. She will spend the rest of her life knowing that had she not gotten involved with you, her husband wouldn't have felt no choice but to take such a desperate measure."

So shes supposed to just continue being his slave? living miserable with a man whose not there for her other than paying bills? If it wasnt with me, Im sure it would have been with some other guy. Im sorry you feel so much haste towards me, thats your opinion though. Im not brainwashing her. As I said, i told her if she wants to end this then say so and it will end. She started this anyway, shes the one who started flirting with me first and approached me with her phone number. It takes 2 though, and Im fully aware that I enjoyed the attention and Im attracted to her and responded.

You can think Im trying to play some "head game" with her if you want to, but you're wrong.

March 8, 2004

So you think you're being her noble savior?

March 8, 2004

Nope, not being her savior. Dont care to be. Its something thats developed between us, its there with us. Its something thats developed between us and we both have kept it going forward. No brainwashing or anything like that. And if we're selfish for enjoying it then call it that.

March 8, 2004

Originally posted by Crazy123

Nope, i said earlier that this has been going on for over a year now, you must have missed that part. And the whole thing you are calling "flaunting" she said he made a comment that if she ever cheated on him, he would leave. So she told him. Call it arrogant if you want to, whatever. And yes I know this could get me killed, been there and thought about that already.

No mister, I didn't miss that part. But seeing how you weren't living their in their home and in their life for that year, what she's told you may or may not be the truth. It surely wouldn't be the first time a married person makes up sh*t to their new lover, in an attempt to elicit sympathy and to justify being unfaithful (emotionally or physically). You don't know his side to the story, you only know what she's told you. Any mother who would call the cops on her husband as she did, a guy who's threatening to kill himself, who leaves her baby with him but then goes off to meet you for drinks, then gets a hotel room to boink ya, doesn't sound like a very good mother to me. If her husband is that off the wall and upset by your presence, she leaves her baby with him, after calling the cops? She's an idiot, and I feel very sorry for that baby.

It's not his fault at all that she married him because she "didn't think she could get any better." That's her own pure stupidity for jumping into marriage. Nobody put a gun to her head and forced her to marry him.

And if things were so bad, why did she allow herself to get pregnant? Surely if he's such a toad, he was a toad prior to the baby arriving.

You do what you gotta do, though. But if you're believing that they never have sex, you're off your rocker. That's only what she's told you. Just remember, it's his bed she sleeps in each night. SHe's likely playing you big time.

But whatever.

So why did you post here? I mean, people usually come here when they are seeking advice.

You are very sure that her suicidal husband is bluffing, you are sure that she's the woman for you, and you don't have any remorse or guilt about being part of this affair. So did you just come here to blow off some steam and gloat about all you've conquered, or what? You make it clear you're not going to be changing your mind about anything...so what can we do for you here at the Loveshack?

March 8, 2004

bef:

"If her husband is that off the wall and upset by your presence, she leaves her baby with him, after calling the cops?"

no, the baby was with her. As a matter of fact, she only been to my plae 2 times when the baby wasnt with her.

March 8, 2004

This is what you'd previously written:

"So she calls me back and tells me to meet her somewhere. i went there and we were talking about this whole thing. She said the cops came out but he seemed to be acting mentally competent to them so there was nothing they could do. He told her to end things with me now and thats why she had the car and was meeting me. I asked her is that what you want to do and she said no, but it was a way for her to get out and come see me. So we're talking and shes stressed and wanted to go get a few drinks (neither of us drink regularly). So we left, went to a club and had 1 drink and talked some more. Then she said she wanted to do something with me we hadnt done yet. So I said are you sure? and she said yes. So we go get a room and you can imagine the rest. "

Now up above, you clarify that in fact, when she came to see you that night, she brought the baby with her. Well that's just super! Let's see now.....you mentioned that you went to a club. So you brought the baby with you to a club? You're both having drinks, with a baby there? And who's driving? And then you go back to a hotel room and screw? With the baby present? Where IS the baby while you're in the hotel room screwing......did you get a room with a second bed or something, so the baby had a place to sleep while mommy was boinking her lover? Good God, she sounds like a selfish, rotten mother.

March 8, 2004

"You are very sure that her suicidal husband is bluffing, you are sure that she's the woman for you, and you don't have any remorse or guilt about being part of this affair. So did you just come here to blow off some steam and gloat about all you've conquered, or what? You make it clear you're not going to be changing your mind about anything...so what can we do for you here at the Loveshack?"

I wanted to hear from other people. I knew this would get some people mad at me, but I like to look at things from all perspectives. I didnt come here to get bashed on and get the "holier than thou" treatment, but say as you please, I knew it would probably happen.

I didnt come here to exchange insults and flame, but Im not going to be mad if someone wants to do that with me. I appreciate your responses. Maybe in the back of my mind, instead of waiting to hear the words from her "its over and im not seeing you anymore", I will grasp something else that makes me feel I need to say that. i dont know. its a crazy situation, i do know that.

March 8, 2004

So shes supposed to just continue being his slave?

I think that her husband's mental state is none of your business. If she wants to leave him for you, that is her business. His reaction to her decision is their business. You should not be involved. She and her husband are bonded by marriage--you are an outsider, a third party. If he is depressed and wants to kill himself because she is leaving, it is HER situation to deal with. Not yours.

No one forced her to marry him. No one forced her to have a child with him. No one forced her to stay with him before she met you. No one forced her to stay with him after she met you. She made the choice to do all of those things. She made the choice to get married and have a baby without a means of supporting herself, so she couldn't walk away. She made the choice to use him for the roof he put over her head, the food he put on her table, etc. She is an adult---she can deal with this. Alone. Without you. She should be the one posting here about this, not you!

living miserable with a man whose not there for her other than paying bills?

Don't knock paying the bills. It kept her there mooching off him while she was off galavanting with you, didn't it?

March 8, 2004

no bef, calm down......she had the baby with her when she called me from her car after she left him. She said she was calling the law and was going to meet them back there. the baby was with her then.

After the law left, he told her she needed to end it with me. So she wanted me to meet her somewhere, and she didnt have the baby with her. She said he wanted to come at first, but she knew that would probably be trouble. We didnt even plan on getting a room. It just happened.

March 8, 2004

Clia, shes going to school full time, shes trying to get a job so she can move out. Said she will probably have to go to school part time when that happens.

March 8, 2004

and Clia, why do you say she should be the one here posting about this and not me?

If you feel that way fine, but the section is "the other man/woman"

So im not supposed to post here? Wow.

March 8, 2004

Originally posted by Crazy123
We didnt even plan on getting a room. It just happened.

Yeah, I guess some unexplainable cosmic force whisked you both into the No-Tell Motel and before you know it, beyond your control, your penis was wedged into her vagina. God, you should write to Ripley's Believe it or Not, because that's some wild sh*t. (insert theme from Twilight Zone here)

What are you going to do if she gets herself knocked up by you? You can't be sure she's using protection, and we all know that condoms aren't 100% effective. What, did she tell you she's on the pill? How do you know she's taking it as she should? I mean, geez, she claims her and hubby never have sex...so she likely wasn't even on birth control when she met you.....so she just started it with you?

March 8, 2004

and Clia, why do you say she should be the one here posting about this and not me?

If you feel that way fine, but the section is "the other man/woman"

So im not supposed to post here? Wow.

I didn't mean it like that. Sorry, I forgot to post the hopping bunny. Here he is:

I just think it's her situation to deal with, and I don't think you should get too involved. I don't think you should talk to her husband. She needs to work it out with him and get him to a point where he accepts her leaving. You can't do that.

March 8, 2004

bef, you know what. You're jumping to too many conclusions and thinking you know everything you are talking about.

No, she didnt say her and her husband never have sex (she said he hardly ever wants to when she and I first met) and they have once after she and I met, and she didnt like it (yea, she could be lieing, I know that)

She wasnt having sex with me this whole time, until last night. (I wore a condom and still pulled out since you want to know the details, just ask instead of assuming)

and nobody was drinking and driving as you tried to elude to earlier. I said we had 1 drink each.

Im wasting time with you since you want to be so dramatic and jump to your own conclusions and think you know what you are talking about and judge us when you dont know much about us. Youve made some good points and I appreciate it. Just calm down a bit if at all possible. I know your type and I know you're getting some kind of a kick out of this....whatever I guess.

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Husband of woman I'm having affair with is threatening to kill himself

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