My bf loses his motivation :-(

[PhyB]

I have been with my bf for 1.5 years and more. He changed 3 months later after we met in late May. He told me he was no longer as motivated as before and his feelings to me was declining. He lives in Europe and I live in Asia. In this regards, I move to the UK for postgraduate studies in this September so that our distance will get closer. I was so upset, hurted and deseparated when he told me he lost his interest and force to continue the relationship. I almost collasped before I left for the UK.

 

I visited him in late September. This was a bad trip. He acted like he didn't care, not even initiated to hold my hands or kiss me. I was suffering from his cold shoulders. I went there to fix the problem, hoping his feelings would come back with my presence. It seemed not work.

 

We are still in a relationship, but I don't feel the fire. I did a lot for him like visiting him, sending him small gifts and parcels, initiating talks on skype. We used to talk on msn every day, but he finds it boring and not enjoyable (I agree and I propose changes to talk 2-3 times a week). He hides from me from msn and skype and only stay on facebook. We can only chat through facebook. It seems to me that he doesnt want to see me. I miss those days he showed his care to me.

 

I talked to him. He said I did too much which made him feel bad because he didn't put as much effort as I did. To me, it is unconditional. If I don't put 100% effort, I will regret. I water and take care of this plant everyday, of course, I look for flower. I see him as my potential partner from the very beginning till now, but he changes. He was very determined before. He even put a ring on my left fourth finger, saying no matter how hard it is, we will make it. He also say I am his future. Now, his changes and hesistation confused me. He eats his words and I feel a bit betrayed.

 

I love him a lot and I don't want to give up. But at the same time, I don't want to be with a person who doesn't love me or show interest in me anymore. It makes no point to force a relationship work. I want mutual love not one sided one. I asked him what he wanted but he said he didn't know. He is like procrasinating and escaping from facing the fact.

 

He asked me about the future. I answered him that I would find a job in his place and lived together. He asked whether our living style would match and doubted if I could find a job there. He asked so many uncertain questions which no one can guaranteed. What I all know is that this relationship will work if we have the same goal. Although things are uncertain, there are still things that are under our control. If we choose to be together, we can just deal with other problems.

 

He always asks me what he can do? I have already done all I can to help him. I even told him that sitting there and did nothing would not let the feelings back. I told him I wanted to see him during my birthday. He said he would come because he respected me and that I wanted to see him. But isn't it ridiculous?! He should come to see me because he wants to celebrate the joy with me and he wants to see me. Even though he is coming, I feel like I forced him to do so.

 

I don't know what attitude I should take to face him. If I ignore him, for sure he will not be motivated. If I keep on treating him passionately, he may feel annoyed (but seriously I can't do that as my mood has already ruined by him). What should I do?!

 

This is supposed to be a great relationship. His doubts just ruin everything, He is so cruel to me. I am 100% committed and I don't deserve what is happening now. I wonder what have I done wrong.

 

Can anybody suggest what I should do? What can I do to help him? And I am considering whether to go to his place for a visit in Christmas. Should I go?! Help please. I just cry everyday because of him. He knows that I am sad. I am numb.

Edited November 11, 2010 by PhyB

[Omei]

From everything you said it doesn't sound like hes trying or wants to put in some serious effort.

 

You said it's been 1.5 year and he changed 3 months after you guys met? That's a long time for you to keep putting in effort without anything in return, I suggest that you do stop putting in the effort now because its been that long and if he hasn't yet its most likely hes not going to.

 

He hides from you on msn and skype? red flag.

 

Don't waste your money on trying to visit him/him visit you. Just like you said he would *want* to visit because he should *want* to see you he should be excited about it not just "well okay"

 

Not saying you should dump him idk, maybe you guys are gradually ending? But I would stop putting in so much effort.

[folieadeux]

I agree with Omei, I wouldn't waste anymore time and effort on someone who isn't willing to give you what you deserve. I know it won't be easy, but it's harder in the long run staying with someone who isn't 100% in it with you. You've waited long enough and did everything you could to make things work. But it takes two. I don't think the visit is a good idea at all. Let him come to you. If he doesn't, then you have all of your answers right there.

[PhyB]

Thanks so much for your opinion. It is indeed hard to make the decision. But I also see no point staying with a person who doesnt love me anymore. I cannot tolerate myself in this situation. I have to put myself in pirority. Well, to be calculative, I did spend a lot of money and energy on him- learning French for him, travelling to see him...

 

He is a busy person. What makes me sad is that he can squeeze time to visit his sister in Berlin with his friends but has no time to come to see me. He even says he prefer to stay with his friends and get wasted. I am totally heart broken. On the other hand, I have to say he is very honest to me. We trust each other.

 

The reality is cruel. There are many successful cases in LDR. I just think I can make it but it largely depends on your partner, his/her willingness.

 

Thanks again for your replies. He will come next week and I will make my decision after his visit.

[victoria.v]

Hey,

 

I read your reply, and now your story, and indeed the situations are similar.

I'm curious: how was he before?

[lala82]

Before my ldr ended. My ex bf was quite distant with me. He was very busy all the time to connect at least a few days in msn. In fact, he only called me a few times. The excuse was the same. He was busy with his work and folks.He came to visit me and told me that he have future planes for us. Then, when he left my country he told me that he was confouse and that the distance was very difficult.

 

We split up 2 months ago. It was hard. But I feel better, I am not waisting my time with a person, who does not love me enough. I have meet a new person, happy with him. Planning to move to his city.

 

I would advise you to end your relationship with him. You do not have a healthy relationship. Feel sadness and anxiety are not good signs. You deserve a person, who makes you feel good and happy, even in the distance.

[PhyB]

Hey Victoria! Yes, our situation is so similar.

 

He was so determined before. When we were together in the States, everyone knew that he was so so so happy to have me. He was (I still believe is) the luckiest man ever. He even cried when left each other. In this year, he tried his best to maintain this relationship. We almost talked everyday on msn, seeing each other. He invited me to Bali with him and his friends and paid most of the expenses for me, as he really wanted to see me. I went to see him last Christmas. This May, he initiated to go to Hawaii. We had a great time there. He is very committed to me, until now. He is doubtful about our future, when we will be settle at a place... He starts to ask weird questions like whether I can guarantee to find a job in his place, whether our lifestyle match if we stay in the same place, whether what we does worth, etc... I don't know if all guys are that practical, or over practical. What he said before like 'you are my future', 'love you forever' and 'no matter how we will make it' are all gone.

 

It is so hard for me. Yes, I know I deserve to be with someone who really loves and cares about me. In reality, it is thousand times harder to give him up than saying. I also need some time. It is so difficult not to think about him, you know... I am trying not to contact him and see what he will react. Frankly, if he really wants, he will come back to me.

 

I am so glad there is forum like this. I feel much better reading all the comments.

[victoria.v]

Phyb, I'm sorry, I really am... because I know from my own experience how hard is to deal with all these changes, especially if you're not sure why they've happened. Probably they got scared, or they wasn't sure anymore that things will work out... which maybe made them lose their interest. Who knows? Only they know what's in their head.

I know it's difficult to think about him, especially remembering how he was in the beginning, all the hopes, the promises, the plans... and knowing that you have to let it all go. That hurts. I know we'll move on, everybody does, but until then it's going to hurt... a while ago we were making plans, and now almost all of a sudden... bye to everything. That's the feeling I don't know how to cope with.

Anyway, it seems like you've done your part to make this relationship work. I don't know what was between you two, but I don't think it's your fault if he backs off. I'm not sure how to explain this... but his issues are HIS own (as in, if you'd be scared by something, no matter how much someone would tell you, you have no reason to be scared... it wouldn't really help. It's something you'd have to solve in your head, within). So, if he's scared that your relationship isn't going to work, it's his fear.

On the other side, maybe there are some other explanations - he got confused, but he'll be back to normal after a while, or he simply stopped caring about everything.

You can try to talk to him, but I'm not sure if you'll get much out of him, or if he'll give you new answers...

Maybe we can talk more