reknown29 Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 It has been two months since my breakup. I just initiated NC. It has slowly been getting there and now I feel it is for real. As it finally sinks in that this person is really gone from my life, I start to question myself. I know if I had a better sense of self and higher esteem that this relationship would have worked out. Its hard to admit this to myself and its painful to realize that I was the cause of ruining something amazing that happens once or twice in a lifetime. I'm just starting to see that I hurt the dumper just as much as she hurt me by not believing in myself during the relationship. I have been unhappy with where I am in my life and this effected her. She couldnt take it anymore so she left me. She left me very ungracefully and said very hurtful things. It was her way of justifying it in her head because she still had feelings for me. I highly dislike the person she revealed to me at the end but I believe this was intentionally revealed to me, so I would move on. Its not easy looking at yourself and seeing how you may have been the one to sabotage the relationship. What makes coping so hard, I believe is the fact that the problem lies within us and not the other person. If I could truly hate her, I would have moved on by now. I want to hate myself for f!@#ing up and I feel so far behind for my age (36) but then I look at the statistics and see how many people of all ages get separated. Any one else at this stage that I am at in coping? How are you dealing with admitting where you went wrong? For me, it has been very difficult.
alwaysoverthinking Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I know exactly what you mean, man. My recent break went similarly. How she ended it sucks terribly, but how it got there is what is more important to me. I've done a lot of introspective thinking about it, and it has caused me to reevaluate my role in relationships. Basically, going forward I will adopt an attitude of abundance. Self confidence is so important. If you are a confident man, confident in yourself and your ability to meet other women, then your decision making in your current relationship will be affected positively. Everything happens for a reason, and I am beginning to believe that my most recent break happened to show me once and for all, that you can't put chicks on a pedestal. You gotta be the man in the relationship, otherwise they will start playing games. Games that you can't win, you can only refuse to play. It all comes from confidence. But yeah, it sucks when you realize that you had some part to play in it also. I feel you on that.
heartbrokengal Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I could have pretty much written this post myself. Several months later and I still think about her and my mistakes everyday. That is probably the hardest part for me. I know I messed up and I feel guilt and anger about it. I feel terrible for causing someone I really love and care about any sadness or pain. I feel like no matter what I say or do nothing can really change it, and just knowing that and how it's pretty much all my fault is hard. :-( In a way it's like I can't blame her because I think anyone would be upset about it so I'm not sure how long to give her hoping for forgiveness or just give up! I guess I'm still trying to forgive myself, but it helps me to remember that No one is perfect......and we can hopefully learn and grow from our mistakes and not repeat them in the future :-/
bl22 Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 It has been two months since my breakup. I just initiated NC. It has slowly been getting there and now I feel it is for real. As it finally sinks in that this person is really gone from my life, I start to question myself. I know if I had a better sense of self and higher esteem that this relationship would have worked out. Its hard to admit this to myself and its painful to realize that I was the cause of ruining something amazing that happens once or twice in a lifetime. I'm just starting to see that I hurt the dumper just as much as she hurt me by not believing in myself during the relationship. I have been unhappy with where I am in my life and this effected her. She couldnt take it anymore so she left me. She left me very ungracefully and said very hurtful things. It was her way of justifying it in her head because she still had feelings for me. I highly dislike the person she revealed to me at the end but I believe this was intentionally revealed to me, so I would move on. Its not easy looking at yourself and seeing how you may have been the one to sabotage the relationship. What makes coping so hard, I believe is the fact that the problem lies within us and not the other person. If I could truly hate her, I would have moved on by now. I want to hate myself for f!@#ing up and I feel so far behind for my age (36) but then I look at the statistics and see how many people of all ages get separated. Any one else at this stage that I am at in coping? How are you dealing with admitting where you went wrong? For me, it has been very difficult. You are being way too hard on yourself here. Some people have self esteem issues and if someone loves you then they look past that. I was with my ex for 2 years, she NEVER believed in herself and i always did. I always encouraged her to try new things and take chances and she loved that i believed in her. Not once did I ever think badly of her for her thinking badly of herself, nw shes left me for someone else and ive got a month NC now. If id have left her a year ago, she'd be saying the exact same things as you now, but if someone loves you then they will believe in you. Dont beat yourself up
Author reknown29 Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 thanks for that bl22. thats what I've been trying to tell myself. she of course blames her breaking up with me on my lack of self worth and depression that I was going through. She said I shouldnt be with anyone because all I will do is drag them down. This hit me like a knife to the chest. I was actually really good to this girl. We had some petty arguments over the meaning of 'al dente', etc. that she took way to personally and held inside her for months. I'm starting to think she was just very hypersensitive and that maybe my being hard on myself and expecting more from myself caused her to run away. the top posts are right about not putting her on a pedestal and being the man in the relationship. I put her so high on a pedestal that I forgot who I was. I tend to give people way to much credit and myself way too little. I forgive her and still think I could of held on to her if I was in the right frame of mind (Im 10 years older if that matters) but on a lighter side, everything happens for the greater good of a person. And maybe you are right. This was a test of whether or not this person truly loved me. If she did, why would should not at least wait until I was over my depression, or at least working on getting better before beating me to the ground to make herself feel better. The whole thing caused me to reach depths that I didnt know were possible. I seriously thought if life was even worth living for a moment. I am improving immensely thanks to friends and boards like this. I'm going to be ok, we all are. It does take time. Its like being in a bad accident and laying in a bed for as long as it takes to heal. Except we still can function, to the outside world. I was crushed. At the rate Im going in a few more months I will move on wiser and less careless about who I open my heart up to. There were A LOT of warning signs that I ignored. Especially in regards to the guy before me. Shes a heart breaker...
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