Els Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Some of you may recall a dilemma I had in the past. Despite our best efforts, the bf was assigned to begin his posting next year in a hospital that we did not want him to go to. I debated between choosing two grad schools: One in the city that we initially planned to go to but that the bf didn't manage to get work in (A), and the other in the city that the bf was finally assigned to (B). A is a nicer city, warmer, and the syllabus is easier so I can probably finish it faster. In the end, I decided that since both courses were completely equal in terms of recognition and accreditation received, I would take the school with the bf nearby despite it being colder, more difficult, etc. Before I made the decision, however, the bf had told me that he personally felt I should go to the other school because it would be easier on me and a better place to live, but he respects my decision if I decide to go with him. This was 2 months ago, and I have already enrolled in B, paid my fees, gotten a house with the bf, etc. But it still bugs me from time to time. I vacillate between understanding that he was only thinking for my benefit, and being unhappy about the realization that distance affects me more than him. If the roles were reversed, I would certainly not have told him to go to A, although I would have respected HIS decision if he had. Because an extra year of distance means a lot to me... but it seems like it's an okay thing to him. And that bugs me sometimes.
Omei Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I would think the same way as you. He might of said that so you wouldn't feel pressured to choose him, maybe if you leaned towards that way he would of broke out and told you his feelings on having you come to him perhaps. I have the realization that distance affects me more than SO also and I also would be like "Noooo, come to meee!" some men just handle it way better. I was just thinking about it yesterday men vs woman in emotion from the distance I find that my SO who has his day filled never has the time to get as sad as I do, I once asked if the distance affected him he replied "Yes a lot but i'm a guy I may get a tear but you wont see it" lol.
folieadeux Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I hate to generalize, but I really think this is a case of men handling things like this better than women. I can only speak from personal experience, but my SO definitely deals with the distance better than I do. I think we both do a bang up job most times, but I’ll admit I’m the one that has a harder time between the pair of us (at least that’s how it seems). I asked him the other day how he’ll deal with saying goodbye this time and he said he tries not to think about it and that it just means it’s closer to my visit the following month. The fact that I even asked that (and was all teary-eyed whilst doing so) is proof enough to drive my point home. Elswyth, I think your SO was just thinking logically about what will be best for you. It would irk me too the more I thought about it, but I tend to over-analyze things so I think you just need to try to see things from his perspective. I sincerely doubt he meant anything hurtful by it.
shadowofman Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I would have told you to go to A also. The fact that someone else was more important to you than your own independent happiness is an illogical priority. Considering that your relationship is statistically doomed, you will likely regret choosing B for no other reason than he was the deciding factor, even if A and B are as equal as you say.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I understand why it niggles you, however the way I read it is that he was being selfless and thinking what would be best for you even if that might not be what he wanted, because he cares that much about you to put your needs first. I also think, from what I've seen on these threads about LDR's that maybe some men (not all) do cope with the distance better, or it could just be they hide how they feel more as men aren't encouraged to show emotion in the same way women are, so maybe they're putting a brave face on?
Author Els Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 Thanks for the replies, guys. I think there are two camps of thought re: the men and emotions thing - 1) in general, men really don't suffer from distance as much as women do, and 2) men do suffer but just hide it. I truly hope the discrepancy between his feelings regarding distance and mine are due to gender and personality type (he's more of a stolid silent coper, whereas I'm a not-easily-contented fixer). If that is the case, I guess it would be silly and pointless of me to worry about it. I would have told you to go to A also. The fact that someone else was more important to you than your own independent happiness is an illogical priority. Considering that your relationship is statistically doomed, you will likely regret choosing B for no other reason than he was the deciding factor, even if A and B are as equal as you say. I well know your feelings about relationships and statistics from reading your previous posts - but let's not go into that here, shall we? The thing is that I believe I'd be happier in B with him than in A without him, so I am making a decision based on my own happiness. Also, there are no long term detrimental effects of my decision (if there were, I would not have gone to A), so even if we did indeed separate during our year in B, the only loss I'd have would be needing to study harder and having a colder winter (city-wise, it's actually only the bf who finds A much better than B, I've never been to A so I don't know what my opinion would be). I find that well worth the risk.
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