scaredandalone1223 Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I'm trying sooooo hard to go NC. I have had to talk to him regarding the bills and the children's grades. He told me I could call/ text him anytime but w/ work he may not have time to respond. He said that he would think about moving back but he had no guarantee things would not be back this way in 6 months. I went to our therapist once this week and he told me to make a joint appt. for next. He said he wasn't going to cut contact w/ his new friend but he would limit it. His main thing is I have to do a lot of self improvement. Not just for us but for me. He said all he's ever wanted is for me to be a better me for me. I, for the first time, see this and really want to change. I do need his support though. I live 100's of miles away from family and friends and I know I need support to help with these changes. He has always been the one to support me through everything so I do not know how to do so much all by myself. I also told him if I'm working on me and he's still living elsewhere talking to this new 'friend' everyday and she's making him laugh and helping him get his mind off of what's going on then how is he going to want to come back here to travel this long road with me. He has a MAJOR work project coming up next week. Where he is working 12-14 hr. Days until it's done. He will then be off for a week when he has agreed to counseling. He said he will not be able to visit the kids until after Thurs. so I told him to use our son's phone for the calls and I will NOT make contact with him until we meet at the counselor's office. I don't know where that leaves me with him chatting with his new funny friend everydaym but I'm just going to hope and pray it and works and he'll be missing me by then.
tank Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 scaredandalone, i know this is hard but you can do this. The first thing you need to realize is that you dont need him. You need to be the source for your own happiness. Vent here as much as you need to, you will get alot of support. focus on you and the kids. Find something just for you. Go to the gym, make some new friends there. Remember to be the best you that you can be. You have a week now to really make some progress. Everytime you want to call him or your thinking of him and her, come on here and read someones post or write your own. When you see him next, show your best you. It is very tough with children involved, believe me I know. I made everymistake in the book. I am sorry i did, and I am sorry i didnt listen to those on here that have been here before. Stay focused on you. take care and i will keep reading your storey
hopesndreams Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 His main thing is I have to do a lot of self improvement. Not just for us but for me. He said all he's ever wanted is for me to be a better me for me. What does your H need to do for self improvement? Is he perfect? You are shouldering all the blame. Don't forget the fact he went outside of the M and as a result of that, he left you. Now he thinks he is all that and a bag of chips while you are in desperation mode, scared, alone, taking the responsibility and suffering the consequences of HIS actions. When is it going to be his turn? Or, does he get off with it whether or not he goes back to you? It just all seems so one-sided.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 scaredandalone1223 : First off, slow down a little, take a nice deep breath for yourself, as you do this, think to yourself........"this too shall pass"! Next, what is this "friend" you speak of, I guess that your Husband is having contact with? Is this some kind of "other woman" or just simply a good friend? I only ask, for this might just be a friend, because it sounds like your Husband is willing to at least "limit" the contact he has with this friend. In most cases if this was the "other woman" most men wouldn't want to risk to much there and refuse the notion of limiting contact. Also, you say that he is living elsewhere, is this due to his job, is this relocation "work related"? Or, is this relocation something rather by choice, the choice to be closer to this "friend"? And as far as being concerned and or upset that this "no contact" thing isn't working out to much, stop worrying about it. No contact is a great concept, it works for most, but when kids are involved, for me, no contact becomes something rather redundant and quickly obsolete. There are ways to have strict "limited contact", but "no contact" I don't see that being a reality, especially with kids involved. I'm glad to hear that your Husband wants you to better yourself, it always a good thing to have a supporting partner standing behind you, giving you a good push in the right direction. Please, I don't want to rant on your parade here, but if I were you, because of the way I think, I would stop for a moment and really think what your Husbands intentions are by his appearance of being so supportive by you trying to work on yourself. Why does he appear to be so supportive, are his intentions genuine? Are his intentions to support you working on yourself out of concern? Or are there some darker things going on, that maybe for not the best reasons in the world, that would make your Husband support you changing? I'm sorry to be asking some of these questions, but for me, when people, no matter how close they are to me start rambling on about how changing would either do me some good and or is needed or required for me to advance some where, I get a little paranoid with the intent behind their statements. I hope everything works out for the best, hope he can return soon and you both get through whatever "speed bump" in life you have run into. Take care.......
Author scaredandalone1223 Posted November 14, 2010 Author Posted November 14, 2010 I just posted a 20 min. response from my phone which disappeared, so I'll try this again. I haven't been able to do the NC, but I have been successfully in LC. Basically where we stand now is we have a MC appt. Friday, which he said he is going to attend. He hasn't closed the door completely, but is leaning more towards making the separation stick. My main two areas that I'm trying to focus on is my lack of appreciation and my selfish tendencies, even though I often do not recognize them as selfish at the time...hence the problem! As far as his moving, it has actually taken in an extra hour AWAY from his job. Right now he is driving 3 hrs. a day and working 10-12. He had a HUGE project due this week. This is the project he has been working on since the beginning of the year. They basically gave him an impossible mountain to climb and it's all about to come to a head. I wan't there for him like I should have been, like he needed me to be. At this moment he is looking at what he put 200% effort into possibly failing and taking his marriage along with it. He has battled depression on and off for our entire marriage, the original reason we began counseling years ago. My problem was through ALL the progress he made and all the changes I wanted MORE. Instead of it being a 50/50 street, I wanted him to keep changing and keep changing until he became what I wanted him to be and myself not change too much at all. This is WRONG on so many levels on my part and sadly I may have realized it much too late. As for his 'friend'. He was friends with her briefly when he had a fb page through a mutual friend. He cut contact because I saw some of their correspondences and while he did nothing inappropriate, some of her things were quite flirty. He did NOT recognize this as I was his first and only girlfriend and he has NO CLUE when someone is hitting on him. After he left and moved in with the mutual friend, the mutual friend suggested my husband contact her again because she was also going through a divorce. She lives in another state and they only talk via text/ email. One of my husband and my BIG issues is he is extremely introvert and I extremely extrovert. She is MORE extrovert than I, LOVES concerts, and spends hundreds of dollars at the drop of a hat for shoes. I've never spent more than $100 on shoes and have few few pair in the grand scheme of things but he's always thought that was too many and too much. So I KNOW in the long run they would not work. My worry is in the short term and I am very well aware of the emotional connection that can be built through text/ email and it is at times so much worse because you get to build your own illusions of the person at the same time. I worry that his emotional connection with her since she is going through the same thing and makes him laugh alot, something he isn't doing much of these days, will lend him down a path that he may not know he's going down until it is TOO LATE. He has called me to talk about his stress with his job some and over the past few days has driven 30 mins. out of his way to stop each evening. It is usually only for 15 minutes, but it's something. I try to just talk, not so much about our situation, and LISTEN to what he has to say about his job. This is a VERY BIG week for him and if he fails at this I know he will spiral into depression further than he has ever gone before. I have told him I'm here, I want to be here, but his response is all those years I didn't care were a lot easier. Now that I do care it makes everything falling apart tear me into a million pieces, but when I didn't care I was just fine. So I don't know if after everything we've been through this year he is willing to open his heart back up. The first years of our marriage were rough, but the last 3 up until this one were GREAT! At the beginning of the year we were stronger and happier than we have EVER been. I did fail him though and I don't know if he can ever forgive me for that. I'm worried I woke up to thing TOO LATE and there may be no going back. We will see what Friday brings. I miss my husband and I miss MY BEST FRIEND. Sometimes I think I see a ray of hope, then I think he's just wanting to make things amicable for the kids and that we are truly over. Right now I just don't know.
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