germain Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I'm not even sure if this is the right sub-forum, but the girlfriend ended the LDR tonight. And honestly I'm not sure how upset I really am. She seemed to have a problem with communication from the start, or rather we didn't agree on what a reasonable amount is for a LDR. We sort of ignored it and off she went, hoping for the best - it was only for a year or so anyway, right? Things quickly became obvious that my expectations of communication (hearing from her daily, at least several times by text, and responding to texts within a reasonable amount of time) were unreasonable to her. She's done the LDR thing before, I have not. So maybe I'm wrong assuming communication should INCREASE when you remove the physical aspect of a relationship. (This is equally as confusing to me when you factor in that she was the one who convinced me to move in with her before she left - she wanted the closeness!) It wasn't until tonight that I learn that she is perfectly fine not hearing from me for days, and that's how she expected it to be. Maybe checking in once a week or less to see that the person is still breathing I suppose. To me that seems ludicrous! How are we to nurture any sort of relationship when we aren't able to build experiences or at the very least share them with each other. The phone calls and visits weren't expected frequently on both sides. We were realistic about overdoing it with calls or Skyping every day (no offense to those of you who do enjoy that). But apparently my expectations were just too much. I suppose my fault is when they weren't met, she wouldn't return a text or I wouldn't hear from her all night, I would express my frustration and anger with her, rather than trying to present it in a better way, showing patience with her. But I am not perfect and have faults that I'm working on, she was also aware of this going into it, but was convinced it would work and I guess apparently that I would change over night? So I was shocked when I received the call. I really didn't think she would be able to end it, considering the few times I moved the discussion in that direction because I felt unfulfilled and emotionally distant from her, and she would become incredibly upset and let me know how it can work if we want it to and that she would do the best she could to meet my expectations. While I'm upset and a bit crushed, something tells me she is just stressing out from too much work right now and put it on the relationship. I expect hearing from her in the not too distant future is a strong possibility, especially considering we do care deeply for one another and this is one of those things that I feel don't fundamentally change that. And if not, then it's unfortunate because I felt like we had something really good. But of course there are always two sides to every story, so...
Idalis Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I'm glad you're handling it so well! I agree with you that communication needs to increase to make up for the physical aspect that is missing. My bf and I used to live near each other and we never talked on the phone or IM'd but now we rely heavily on that although there are days when it has to be minimal due to 'life' going on around us If you're not communicating/ getting enough from a relationship then my consolation has been 'what is there to miss anyways?' and I just move on with my life. I suspect you'll hear from her again too, and hopefully you'll have some more clarity on what you're feeling.
Author germain Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 Thanks for the reply. I definitely understood those times when she was either busy at work, in class, or with a friend. I never expected our communication to be the center of everything in her life. It just didn't seem unreasonable to me that we spend, even with us BOTH having a hectic schedule, a couple of hours total, throughout the day, texting back and forth. And maybe a small conversation before bed? I don't know. Am I unreasonable? I overheard that she is upset that I took it rather calmly and didn't blow up as she expected. She expected me to fight for myself or the relationship when only two or three weeks ago, I discussed us taking a break while she is away, knowing we would eventually drive ourselves to this - which she convinced me wouldn't help. I really hope she recognizes how right I was at the time. Ugh I really care about her, and the shock is starting to wear off... I'm hoping this is the kick in my pants to make some things right with my life, but I'm afraid I'll never see her again.
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