HOW do I trust again? IS there anyone for me?

[OneFootOut]

So I'm through the dead marriage, emotional hell of a separation and final divorce.

 

First of all, how can I ever trust anyone again? My ex wasn't abusive, he didn't drink, and never cheated, but everything that came out of his mouth was a lie, and still is.

 

I keep talking to men I meet on line - on chat, date sites, or forums, and it always goes the same way: We talk for weeks, sometimes months. We each seem to hit it off and find a lot in common.

 

Then:

1. He keeps making excuses why he can't meet me.

2. He makes the plan and stands me up - a few times before I erase him from my life.

3. He talks to me for months and "falls" for me, crazy about me, I'm his one and only - then msg's one day to say he decided to date someone 10 minutes closer.

4. He swears I'm his dream come true, and it turns out he lives with his 20 year old gf.

5. He is adamant in his posts that if anyone is involved with their ex, to move on.. but then he moves his ex back in trying to "help her out".

 

This is only a few of the experiences I have had with TRYING to believe in people and trust again and TRYING to find someone to date, or hang out with at least. Honestly I don't like being single, and I'm lonely as hell.

 

This is what I keep having to deal with, and every time, it just knocks me down another notch and makes it harder and harder to give anyone the benefit of doubt, or to trust anything anyone says.

 

 

The other issue is that I am almost 44 years old with very young children. Most men my age already raised theirs and don't really want kids around. Most younger men want their own kids some day, and I am not interested in having additional children (unless they come with the guy of course).

 

I'm kind of stuck in this impossible "middle ground"

 

Is there hope? How do I start healing the trust issues? How do I meet anyone? I haven't even met anyone to be a friend with yet, and I've been single again about 2 years. It's lonely out here.

 

I have a lot of on line friends, but it would be so nice to have some real-life ones. I just don't know how to let people in anymore.. and I just can't seem to even get to a first date, much less have a shot at a relationship.

 

Help? Advice?

[shmuelik]

So I'm through the dead marriage, emotional hell of a separation and final divorce.

 

First of all, how can I ever trust anyone again? My ex wasn't abusive, he didn't drink, and never cheated, but everything that came out of his mouth was a lie, and still is.

 

I keep talking to men I meet on line - on chat, date sites, or forums, and it always goes the same way: We talk for weeks, sometimes months. We each seem to hit it off and find a lot in common.

 

Then:

1. He keeps making excuses why he can't meet me.

2. He makes the plan and stands me up - a few times before I erase him from my life.

3. He talks to me for months and "falls" for me, crazy about me, I'm his one and only - then msg's one day to say he decided to date someone 10 minutes closer.

4. He swears I'm his dream come true, and it turns out he lives with his 20 year old gf.

5. He is adamant in his posts that if anyone is involved with their ex, to move on.. but then he moves his ex back in trying to "help her out".

 

This is only a few of the experiences I have had with TRYING to believe in people and trust again and TRYING to find someone to date, or hang out with at least. Honestly I don't like being single, and I'm lonely as hell.

 

This is what I keep having to deal with, and every time, it just knocks me down another notch and makes it harder and harder to give anyone the benefit of doubt, or to trust anything anyone says.

 

 

The other issue is that I am almost 44 years old with very young children. Most men my age already raised theirs and don't really want kids around. Most younger men want their own kids some day, and I am not interested in having additional children (unless they come with the guy of course).

 

I'm kind of stuck in this impossible "middle ground"

 

Is there hope? How do I start healing the trust issues? How do I meet anyone? I haven't even met anyone to be a friend with yet, and I've been single again about 2 years. It's lonely out here.

 

I have a lot of on line friends, but it would be so nice to have some real-life ones. I just don't know how to let people in anymore.. and I just can't seem to even get to a first date, much less have a shot at a relationship.

 

Help? Advice?

 

You are really in a sad place. I think you have to let go of this guy.

Try to focus to get emotional stable. Don't look how loneley you are look what you can do good for yourself. Once you have found inner peace again you should go out and look. If you go out now and try to find someone you'll end up with the same issues because your motivation is about yourself.

 

I think it helps to search for your soulmate. Not for someone just to be with in order to cope with the loneliness. Your loneliness comes from with in you. Whether you have a partner or not.

So get up again and pray a lot to have the universe find your soulmate.

[OneFootOut]

Thanks for that. The "he's" above were all different men who were so interested in me only to dump me or back away or give me reason to back away before we ever got to meet in person.

 

I know you're right. It's just so hard to keep facing every single day with just my kids. Yes, I love them and enjoy them, but I long for adult conversation, to go to a non-G rated movie, someone to walk with, wash a car with, cook a meal with, and cut up and have fun with.

 

My marriage was such a lonely and isolated place for so long.. I feel like I just got out of solitary confinement from prison, and I just don't know how to deal with the world now

 

Soulmate? I thought I found him 13 years ago. I don't even know where to look anymore. Maybe he'll find me, if he exists.

 

Thanks

[lisakoen]

Is there hope? How do I start healing the trust issues? How do I meet anyone? I haven't even met anyone to be a friend with yet, and I've been single again about 2 years. It's lonely out here.

 

Hello OneFootOut,

Ok I'll try and give you some advice....

1. There's always hope, hope never dies, never hides and never goes on holiday, Patience and Faith are good friends of hope, you should meet them..

2. By healing trust issues, you first need to heal yourself, so if you can I suggest you speak to a professional person that can help you build yourself up first, don't put every man in the same box as your x-hus, there are truely some good honest men out there..

3.Meeting people? I think you need to give your brains and body a break. Stop going out with the intension of meeting someone! Go out and do it or yourself, let your hair down,go watch a movie alone, take walks in fun places like the park, do silly things like walk in the rain, write poetry bout yourself ( not sad things funny things) dress up make fun of yourself. Do things for yourself and don't expect things in return!

 

Enjoy life to the fullest like today is your last day on earth....It's about you darling, it's about you.Healing starts with us, we determine where we want to be in two or three years time. And once you are happy and you feel that loneliness is a thing of the past, then trust me, the right man will come TO YOU, at the right time.

 

Hope that helps abit....

[goingstrong]

LK,

 

Being a 43 yo father of 3 school age children, I can tell you the place to meet quality men with similar interests (ie ...men with children of similar age to yours) is not online, but via your children's activities.

[willowthewisp]

Hi,

 

I really wouldn't bother with the online dating, I just closed my account, wasn't even on a week and all I got was flirting, sexual innuendo and abuse. It's just full of men trawling for sex and when they find out you aren't the type to "give it up" like that they disappear.

 

As to how to find someone genuine and who really wants a real adult relationship, I have no idea. I am rapidly resigning myself to the fact that I will always be on my own now.

[HopelessinDTW]

My stbx was the first real woman I dated seriously. We met by complete chance. I was sort of looking but not aggresively. The reason why I never had a serious date before than was I didn't put myself in a situation to meet anyone...that's the amount of effort you need to put into it. Just find groups (meetup.com) or church organizations or volunteer organizations where there are men. Be happy to be there, and introduce yourself to everyone...even the women. Once you have made a network of friends, this network will aid in finding that someone. So the "work" required is not to look for someone, but just to be make yourself available and put yourself in situations where that special someone comes to you.

[lisakoen]

thanks goingstrong, your statement could be very true.....