Struggling reconnecting with husband after my affair..

[messedup74]

Hi

 

I am new here and desperate for some advice.

 

I have just ended a three year affair a MM. I am ashamed, disgusted and full of self loathing for having had the affair and have gone from being a confident happily married woman to a needy pathetic depressed wreck. The last year of the affair I ended up on anti-depressants, struggling to function with day to day life on even a basic level. Nobody in my real life knows of the affair. I was too ashamed to confide in anyone. It sounds dramatic I know but I was literally addicted to my MM and would stoop to any level to get my fix. It wasn't just an addiction - I loved him.

 

A week ago I hit rock bottom and knew if I didn't end the affair I would end up in a very very bad place. I knew life was passing me by and more importantly was in utter turmoil about the state of my marriage and what I had done. I knew my husband deserved better and I needed to either recommit to my marriage or set him free to find the love of a woman worthy of him. I text MM ending the affair and asked him never to contact me again. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

 

I am now wondering where to start. I am in intense withdrawal from MM, it's literally killing me....but I WON'T go back. How long does it last? Regarding my marriage...where do I start re-committing to my husband, at the moment there is a vast emotional void between us (my fault). Is the only way to move forward to confess about the affair? I am prepared to do that and take the consequences but am not sure what's best. Can my marriage be saved? I do love him but feel no passion, no spark, no desire....no connection...but it was there once. Can I get it back?. Is it too late now?.

 

I would be so grateful for some advice. I am struggling to hold it all together and know how to proceed. I am positive I've made the right decision ending the affair but don't feel any better for it, I feel so depressed and can't stop crying and just want to turn back time to when life was amazing and I was happy.

 

I hate myself.

[thomasb]

You might find more relevent answers on the infidelity forum. That is more geared for marital recovery. I think you have a good chance of recovering. I did.

Edited November 11, 2010 by thomasb

[Woggle]

You say you had a happy marriage before the affair so remember that and compare it to the drama and pain this affair has brought you.

[siuys]

Hi MessedUp74, sorry you're hurting. I feel for you. I don't have much personal experience to share except that I, too, had an affair when I was married many years ago. But it was an exit affair and I was DONE with the marriage, although it didn't make me feel any better, and the guilt was incredible. I had panic attacks, and I lost a lot of weight. So I guess I kind of know what you're going through although your situation sounds dire.

 

You need to first get a grip and stop beating yourself up. Yes, you made a mistake and a mess. Admit it, accept it and use your energy to find solutions. I don't know how people mend their marriages after such an affair, and I don't know if you would succeed, but maybe you need to seriously look into counselling, first yourself, then maybe with your husband. You also need to sort out your health, and address the depression issue. You have a lot of issues and guilt etc you need to deal with on your own first. And you need to get over your affair with MM etc, regain self respect etc before you can even contemplate mending your marriage, which may or may not be possible.

 

I am divided as to whether or not one should be TOTALLY honest about an affair because I don't think it necessarily does any good. It may relieve your guilt, but you put way more pain onto your husband. Perhaps talk to a therapist. Plus you've had this affair for so long, and you're so addicted (it doesn't sound like love, more an addiction I'm sorry).

 

You need to find peace within... it will take a while and you will need to forgive yourself. It MAY be best to end the marriage to set him free but that is for you guys to decide...

 

Blimey I don't know what else to say... I can feel your pain. It also makes me think what xMM might have felt, or might feel... I know he feels a lot of guilt and I've seen him cry and totally torn and confused.

 

Not sure what others do in a passionless, sparkless marriage. I know I wouldn't stay. I don't have kids so easy for me to say I guess... I also don't believe that staying together just because you are married, or because you had passion 20 years ago.. or however long.

 

See someone. Talk to someone. You NEED to let it out. You cannot just keep it all inside. Confide in a friend, a therapist. Go to a retreat, seek spiritual guidance, whatever works for you. Don't sit home and be depressed. Do something. Admit your mistake, get over your MM and move forward, a tiny step at at time.

 

All the best.

[U2RockZz]

"I knew my husband deserved better" i think ,probably he still deserves better...don't you think he wasted enough time already....why not start with confessing...let him decide what he wants do with it

[TaraMaiden]

I am now wondering where to start.... Regarding my marriage...where do I start re-committing to my husband, at the moment there is a vast emotional void between us (my fault).

What follows is just my opinion.

Where you need to start is at the beginning.

Not of your marriage (although that's relevant, more of this in a moment) but of your affair.

What made you look some place else? What attracted you to this man? What was there in your affair that was lacking, missing or deficient in your relationship with your husband?

See, don't get me wrong: You are to blame for this affair ever having taken place. You know that, so I'm not trying to rub your nose in it. The blame for your straying is down to you, because it was a conscious volitional decision on your part.

But a marriage is a relationship between two people, and both people are responsible for their own input and contribution to that marriage. So while the blame is yours,. there may be an aspect of your relationship that your husband may have to take some responsibility for. It's not always equal responsibility, but poor communication and lack of respect - both for self and partner - play a big part in matters of this kind.

so, while you may well defend him, or even start recollecting the catalyst that made you stray, it's worth considering what parts you both played. because when one person strays, two people aren't gelling....

 

Is the only way to move forward to confess about the affair? I am prepared to do that and take the consequences but am not sure what's best.

Can you continue living with the knowledge that you cheated on him, and keep it to yourself - and from him - and still believe you can fix this?

You can't fix it on your own. By not telling him, you're assuming it will be ok for him to play a game he doesn't know he's playing, without knowing the rules, and blindfolded at that.

 

Can my marriage be saved? I do love him but feel no passion, no spark, no desire....no connection...but it was there once. Can I get it back?. Is it too late now?.

you want my honest answer? With him in the same ball-park as you, there's every chance. Without him, not a hope in hell.

There is a couple on here who survived affairs in their relationship. As it happens, they're both really good friends of mine, and we have actually met and gone out together for a meal. It was lovely to meet the faces behind the profiles....

But they both had their cards on the table. They both knew the score and knew that in order to overcome this, they not only had to be completely honest and transparent with one another, but they went through some really heavy marriage Counselling, with a professional.

It's a gamble you are going to have to take, and the heavy consequence of your actions. Whatever happens, you have to roll with the punches and take it on the chin - if you'll pardon the mixed metaphors. But that's the deal.

 

I would be so grateful for some advice. I am struggling to hold it all together and know how to proceed. I am positive I've made the right decision ending the affair but don't feel any better for it, I feel so depressed and can't stop crying and just want to turn back time to when life was amazing and I was happy.

Your husband must surely have noticed your mood swings and despondency. What has he asked, and what have you told him?

 

I hate myself.

Why?

Please stop that.

If you permit yourself to be driven by such a negative perception, every decision you make will be flawed.

Yes, you had an affair. Yes you are guilty of cheating.

yes, you chose to have it, but you also chose to end it.

Now, you are choosing to do something else.

ok, grow a pair, and decide.

But whatever you do, don't hate yourself. That will only make matters 100 times worse.

[messedup74]

Thank you so much for the replies everyone. I am going to read them over and over (once home from work) and think about them before I respond but just wanted to say I appreciate your prompt replies.

 

This is the first time I've 'talked' to anyone in 3 years about this. I am determined to be proactive now and not just wallow in misery hence ending the affair and coming here.

 

I'm so emotionally exhausted. Will post a reply tomorrow when I have privacy.

 

Thank you again. It helps to know I am not alone and not being judged as I presumed I would.

[Mimolicious]

Whoa hone, you sound really in pieces. I wish you strength. Can you seek help? Do you have a bff that you can actually sit down with and pour your heart out? I mean, I know you are in this forum for help but in reality this is not the same as in person interaction.

 

You may need to discharge before you can load up again. I am not sure if telling you H is your best bet but from the sounds of it, you may have no other choice. Your H hasn't noticed the disconnection?

 

I really wish you well.

[Dexter Morgan]

I knew my husband deserved better and I needed to either recommit to my marriage or set him free to find the love of a woman worthy of him.

 

I vote for the latter.

 

 

I am now wondering where to start. I am in intense withdrawal from MM, it's literally killing me....but I WON'T go back. How long does it last? Regarding my marriage...where do I start re-committing to my husband, at the moment there is a vast emotional void between us (my fault). Is the only way to move forward to confess about the affair? I am prepared to do that and take the consequences but am not sure what's best. Can my marriage be saved? I do love him but feel no passion, no spark, no desire....no connection...but it was there once. Can I get it back?. Is it too late now?.

 

yes, its too late. you have had that new and exciting affair which you never will have in a committed relationship(not that you can't have excitement in a committed relatiohship).

 

so now that you've done that you'll pine for that...committement won't be good enough...you'll want the excitement. I'd say set your H free and then you won't have to worry about the monotony of married life.

 

 

 

I would be so grateful for some advice. I am struggling to hold it all together and know how to proceed. I am positive I've made the right decision ending the affair but don't feel any better for it, I feel so depressed and can't stop crying and just want to turn back time to when life was amazing and I was happy.

 

I hate myself.

[lkjh]

You have done something seriously awful to your husband and you need to confess. If you can't confess than divorce him. But please don't waste anymore of his life

[messedup74]

Hi.

 

Thank you all so much for the replies. I know a few of you have suggested I talk to someone in real life about this but to be honest although I have friends and family, I am too ashamed to confide in anyone. I don't have the money for counselling so am hoping to get as much help from this forum.

 

I feel at rock bottom. So so low. I feel like I am in a bubble and can't connect with anyone. I am in intense withdrawal from MM. I will not return to the affair but it was a long affair and feelings ran deep. I am frustrated that the relief I felt at ending the affair has been replaced by pining. I miss him. It's normal I guess.

 

I haven't decided whether to tell my husband about the affair. I don't see how the marriage can possibly recover if he doesn't know...and he has a right to know. But...the pain it will cause him is so immense I don't know how to handle that.

 

It's all such a mess and all my own doing. It feels now like my husband is my 'brother' or a 'flatmate'...I don't feel that intimate connection I once did. The affair destroyed that.

 

Siuys you are right..I clearly need to forgive myself before I can move on.

 

I don't know what else to say other than thank you for your help.

 

P.S DexterMorgan...you copied a quote from my initial post - I just want to say that when I said I wanted to go back to when life was amazing and I was happy - I meant in my marriage - not in the affair (life was not amazing in the affair).

[YellowShark]

It feels now like my husband is my 'brother' or a 'flatmate'...I don't feel that intimate connection I once did. The affair destroyed that.

 

This is what affairs do. They remove the passion and emotion that is supposed to be reserved for your relationship and places it elsewhere. Slowly you move away from your partner towards the affair. Your at-home relationship suffers and goes downhill. Which reinforces your misguided belief that your affair partner is "the one," or "your soul mate."

 

That's the nuts and bolts of the affair cycle.

[jennie-jennie]

This is what affairs do. They remove the passion and emotion that is supposed to be reserved for your relationship and places it elsewhere. Slowly you move away from your partner towards the affair. Your at-home relationship suffers and goes downhill. Which reinforces your misguided belief that your affair partner is "the one," or "your soul mate."

 

That's the nuts and bolts of the affair cycle.

 

Or staying married under these conditions is clinging to the past. It is time to move on.