dragonplant Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 My married man lives in another state from his wife. I did not know he was married for the first year we got together, but finally he came clean and told me the truth. I ran out of unemployment 3 months ago and had only sporadically worked during my time of unemployment, and basically. now he is paying all the bills. I live a couple hundred miles from him and go to see him frequently... or if he has days off he comes to see me. I accept the financial help as I have nowhere else to turn. He is a good friend and I am in love with him, but this has put a new spin on our relationship. I seriously had thought of breaking up with him when I found out his marital status. Right now, I can't because I literally would be homeless. I don't feel like some hooker but I definitely do not like the situation the way it is. I feel like I can't say anything.
Mombot Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Do you want to say something about his being married or you just feel so insecure about life you feel awkward? If you were married, would you still feel the same?
Woman In Blue Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Anyone who BLATANTLY lies about their marital status to trick someone into being with them is the lowest form of scum. The fact that this low life CONNED you for a year makes him even lower than scum. Let the sleazy con man pay your bills. It's the least he can do after tricking you for a year. When you get a job again and don't need his money, kick him in the nuts and tell his wife what a stirling example of manhood she's REALLY married.
skywriter Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 OMG!!! Woman In Blue, LOL!!! The tone of your post was well taken!
Author dragonplant Posted November 11, 2010 Author Posted November 11, 2010 I was thinking of doing that... looks different in black and white. He does not seem like he cares if he's kicking in or not. I just feel odd about this, like I have no choices. And I really don't.
2sure Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 If a man wants to keep a marriage and a mistress, he should be sharing what he can with both. That only makes sense. So - he should pay your bills if that makes your life easier and shows he cares. BUT - your not being able to support yourself without him...puts you in a very vulnerable postion. Get a job and continue to let him pay the bills.
jthorne Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 I dunno, I'm conflicted. I'd like to be able to agree with Woman in Blue and 2sure, but when I consider that half of the money that is being used to pay your bills is legally the BS's money, I can't. I highly doubt that the BS would agree to some of the income to which she is entitled be used to keep a mistress. I agree, however, that you are at a disadvantage by depending upon him (or ANYONE) financially. Don't you have family or any public assistance to help you? What would you have done if MM wasn't around? And... The money spigot could be cut off at any second should BS find out. You are in a precarious position without backup and need to remedy that asap.
Mimolicious Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Anyone who BLATANTLY lies about their marital status to trick someone into being with them is the lowest form of scum. The fact that this low life CONNED you for a year makes him even lower than scum. Let the sleazy con man pay your bills. It's the least he can do after tricking you for a year. When you get a job again and don't need his money, kick him in the nuts and tell his wife what a stirling example of manhood she's REALLY married.[/QUOTE] But this is the same fella that an OW will feel trapped by because he pays her bills?! Hilarious... Who are we kidding here?- The irony.
fooled once Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 ... like I have no choices. And I really don't. Yes you do. You do have a choice. You are choosing to continue to sleep with a married man AND have him pay your bills. Call it like it is. You can find another job. Most places are hiring right now gearing up for the holidays. Personally, I couldn't take money from a MM's wife -- because that is what you are doing. Money he earns is hers too. So you are sleeping with her husband and accepting money from her bank account. So you are "staying with him" because he pays your bills? You are both using each other; yet his wife is in the dark about BOTH of the decisions being made by you and him. She is the one without the choice since she doesn't know. Sorry, but there are other options out there besides doing what you are doing. what would you be doing if he wasn't paying your bills? If you have no money, how are you paying for gas to go visit him and why would you waste any of your money to do that?
GreenEyedLady Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 OP: This is about you. I am not even going to address the BS in your stitch. That's his problem to deal with, not yours. What I don't get is why do you feel like you can't say anything? You are both in a R. It shouldn't matter whether you have a job or not as to what you can say to him. What did you say when you found out he was married? Does he expect to keep things the way they are or does he say he is going to leave? I think you need to get yourself in a position where you feel secure. That may mean retraining or going back to school so you can support yourself. Are you in a state where you can apply for an extension of u/e? I don't know what your actual problem with your R is. That you are in a R with someone who is married to someone else or that you are being supported by a man and feel trapped, or both. How do you feel about your MM? You say you love him, but do you really? A year is a long time to be in a R. Are you planning on staying in the R or are you wanting to end it? I'd like to get more info from you so I can give you a better response. GEL
newlife2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Yes you do. You do have a choice. You are choosing to continue to sleep with a married man AND have him pay your bills. Call it like it is. You can find another job. Most places are hiring right now gearing up for the holidays. Personally, I couldn't take money from a MM's wife -- because that is what you are doing. Money he earns is hers too. So you are sleeping with her husband and accepting money from her bank account. So you are "staying with him" because he pays your bills? You are both using each other; yet his wife is in the dark about BOTH of the decisions being made by you and him. She is the one without the choice since she doesn't know. Sorry, but there are other options out there besides doing what you are doing. what would you be doing if he wasn't paying your bills? If you have no money, how are you paying for gas to go visit him and why would you waste any of your money to do that? I actually agree with Fooled Once.... for Once.... He lied to you but you were never his spouse or even engaged to him. He owes you nothing financially. On the other hand, he owes his wife financially because they are still married. In your shoes I would do everything I can to get financially independent and stop relying on this liar's financial assistance. Eventually (sooner rather than later) you are going to have to do it yourself anyway, if you want to play the odds. It is only to your benefit, and your own independence and self confidence, that you tell this man to take his money and shove it.
Fight4Me Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 I also want to add that should the BW discover the financial help he has provided you, that you could end up being liable to pay it back (depends on the state). This guy is potentially putting you in a worse situation. I hate to see anyone so dependent on someone else where they feel trapped or without choices. The longer you go this way, the more difficult it will be to feel confident enough to extricate yourself. It's especially worrisome when that dependence is on someone so shady to have hidden his marital status for a year. Welcome to LS, and I hope you gather strength from fellow posters here. If nothing else, we'll be honest with you.
SunsetRed Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Accept his money and support but at the same time, actively seek a way to support yourself. You don't want to waste your whole life on this BS. Be aware that legally, the only person he is obligated to is the wife and he could pull the rug out from under you at any time, thats another reason to look for a way to support yourself.
Mombot Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 I feel for you, Dragonplant. You don't feel like there's an equal footing, which there never was anyway. He has money and you feel dependent, second best. Face it, even though the wives have a cheater, they still have what you don't.
bentnotbroken Posted November 14, 2010 Posted November 14, 2010 HMMMM you don't have a choice in a situation that you know most of the details...not likely. Wife doesn't have a choice in a situation that I will only assume(correct me if I am wrong) she doesn't know you are a part of...yet you feel "not quite right" with the situation....things that make you say hmmm.
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