Communication with another "option" after a "failed date" with someone else...

[Star Gazer]

I'll try to paint the following in as objective of a light as possible. Please share your opinions regarding this scenario:

 

Person A "meets" Person B online. They exchange a handful of emails, then phone numbers, and begin texting. The texting isn't instantaneous conversation, more of a text here, a response there, and so on. They do not meet.

 

Person A goes on an online meet/date with Person C, who they "met" on the same site as Person B. The meet/date does not go well.

 

Later, after that failed meet/date, Person A texts Person B, continuing on with their ongoing text conversation. During that textversation, Person B asks Person A what they're up to. Person A tells the truth, and says they just finished with an online date/meet that did not go well. Person B gets upset and tells Person A that texting after the failed date/meet is disrespectful to both Person B and Person C.

 

What say you?

[Stockalone]

What say you?

 

That's impossible to say without more information. I can think of a scenario where I (if I were B) would feel disrespected as well. That said, I can also think of a scenario where I would not feel disrespected.

 

I would need to know:

 

1) the reasons why A and B never met.

2) where A met B and C (dating site or somewhere else?)

3) what kind of conversations A and B had.

4) if A started to talk to B before talking to C?

 

Also, I think it's not even entirely clear why B is upset. Is B upset because A met C? Or because A told B about meeting C and that the date/meet didn't go well? Or is B upset about both?

[Jannah]

I guess it depends on the context of how it was communicated to person B. Was it said to invoke jealousy or are a and b friends and just chit chatting as friends. Having said that, if person A and person B aren't dating each other, than no one has much say in who the other dates.

[carhill]

Person B has a few 'issues'. After all, there's no flesh pressed, merely electrons.

 

I'd be looking for person D

[SunsetRed]

That's silly. You don't have an obligation to anyone you haven't made an exclusive relationship with, esp people you meet online and haven't even met in real life yet.

[johan]

 

What say you?

 

First of all, "textversation" is not a word.

 

Second of all, if you have something like that going on, honesty is not the best policy. What you do in your free time and with who is your business until things get serious. So I'd recommend just keeping your multiple-dating tendencies to yourself. It's not that it's wrong and something to hide, necessarily, it's just that it brings needless complication and emotions to what is still a simple, light relationship.

[Kamille]

At first I thought person B was just being jealous, but then I thought about it and changed my mind:

 

The only reason I would be upset were I person B is because I would want to avoid being friendzoned. I would not consider myself to be person A's buddy, more of a potential love interest. The sharing of details about another date would strike me as "unromantic". It's kind of akin to the "don't talk about exes on a first date rule". I wouldn't want to hear about the other date because a) I want to focus on building excitement between person A and me and b) I wouldn't want to feel like person A might turn around and criticize me once we have a date.

[Chocolat]

This all seems a little 7th grade to me.

 

Anyway, I am not sure that B should feel "disrespected," per se, but I am not sure why A would feel the need to inform B of her dating success (or lack thereof) unless she was trying to

 

a) Make B aware of the fact that she has other options

b) Let B know he's in the friendzone

c) Heighten the "window shopping" aspect of online dating

 

It seems to me that one of the big complaints everyone has about online dating is the feeling that you are just another apple in the apple bin -- the shopper will pick you up, examine you, and then do the same with many other apples. The exchange A and B had only serves to exacerbate that sort of feeling.

[jerbear]

I was person C so I'll use myself as an example. This was the 3 week relationship gal I mentioned in another thread. She and I chatted online/test for awhile before meeting. Anyway, I was pissed and then my responded for the first date/meeting.

 

What you do in your spare time before we meet is none of my business. I'm looking for a relationship and not be an option. I am still interested in meeting this Thursday (pick your day) for drinks.

 

 

The ball is now in your court and by your response / time to respond; lets ME know something about you, if I should move on and your interest level. You already know you did a faux pa and I let you know it. Plus it gets you thinking.

[sumdude]

I wouldn't necessarily want to know about someone's other dates and how they went. Particularly over text from a dating site.

[Star Gazer]

I would need to know:

 

1) the reasons why A and B never met.

2) where A met B and C (dating site or somewhere else?)

3) what kind of conversations A and B had.

4) if A started to talk to B before talking to C?

 

Also, I think it's not even entirely clear why B is upset. Is B upset because A met C? Or because A told B about meeting C and that the date/meet didn't go well? Or is B upset about both?

 

1. The reasons they'd never met? Just hadn't found a compatible schedule yet. Person A was very busy with a lot of different plans with work, friends, as well as some different dates already lined up. Presumably Person B is busy too because they just couldn't find a day that matched.

 

Person B had asked Person A out for a meet/date the very next day, on a Thursday. Person A told Person B that they were busy, without explaining why. The Thursday that Person B had suggested was the day of the meet/date with Person C. Person A did not volunteer what Person A was doing on Thursday to make them busy. Instead, Person A said they were busy and suggested another time for Person A and Person B to meet/date - "I'm open on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday of next week, let me know if those work for you." Person B never said which date worked for them.

 

So, they never met.

 

2. How they all met: As stated in the OP, they all met online. On an online dating site.

 

3. What they talked about: Superficial get-to-know you conversations. Turned out they have a mutual friend. Further, the conversations about meeting up would go like this:

 

Person B: Let's get together Friday. [Random conversation about other stuff.]

Person A: I can't, I'm busy with [insert non-date plans]. How about Monday? [Random conversation about other stuff.]

Person B: [some random response, without discussing Monday.]

~ days pass ~

Person B: Let's get together Saturday.

Person A: I can't, I have [insert non-date event]. How about Monday or Tuesday?

Person B: That doesn't work for me. We'll figure something out. [Extra random conversation]

Person A: [Random conversation]

Person B: What about tomorrow, Thursday? [Random conversation about other stuff.]

Person A: I can't. I'm busy from Thursday through Sunday afternoon. You already said you're busy Sunday night. So what about Monday, Tuesday or Thursday of next week? Does that work for you? Let me know. [Random conversation about other stuff.]

Person B: [No response about Monday or Tuesday.] [Random conversation about other stuff.]

 

Note that Person A kept offering up alternatives. Person B never explained why Person B was busy or unavailable, just offered up options of their own.

 

4. Who Person A met first: I do not know, nor do I think it matters given than Person A and Person B had yet to meet. Do people line up to be put into a dating queue, to be dating in order? THAT sounds like the situation Chocolat discusses below.

 

And to your last question about why Person B is upset: Person B is upset that Person A contacted them after a failed date. Person B said it was disrespectful and that they were "not just going to be another person to date."

 

The text conversation where Person B learned Person A had been out on a date went like this:

 

Person A: "Hey there!"

Person B: "Hey! What's up?"

Person A: "On my way home. [8pm] How was your day?"

Person B: "I'm watching [sports team]. What are you doing?"

[5 minutes pass]

Person B (again): "Did you text the wrong person?"

Person A: "No, I didn't text the wrong person, silly. I'm driving, not exactly safe texting circumstances ;)"

Person A/B: [Random conversation about driving and Person A's (310) area code]

Person B: "Where are you on your way home from?"

Person A: "XXX restaurant."

Person B: "Oh yeah, what were you doing there?"

Person A: [Thinks... How does one answer this without being blatantly avoidant? Say, "Um, eating dinner?"] "You want an honest answer?"

Person B: "Yeah, but I think I know."

Person A: "I was on a Match meet."

***And here comes Person B's freakout***

Person B: "Well, that's your fault for being so "busy" then. Busy? Ha! You weren't busy! Sorry, I don't play games. You made it clear you were too busy to go out tonight, but obviously not. You weren't too busy. You were on a date!"

Person A: "XXXX, I WAS busy. I had plans, a meet/date. I didn't think it was appropriate when you were asking me out to tell you I couldn't meet that day because I already had a meet/date. So I said I was busy. That was the truth."

Person B: "If you're sooooooooooooooooooooo busy with all your dates, why are you even on Match? Seems like it would be a bit overwhelming for an attractive and smart person like you. Just saying. It's just a huge insult to contact me after a failed date. So, you headed downtown? Want to meet?"

 

 

Thereafter, via email, Person B voluntarily apologized for being a jerk, but then went off again, dropping f-bombs left and right.

 

Anyway, I am not sure that B should feel "disrespected," per se, but I am not sure why A would feel the need to inform B of her dating success (or lack thereof) unless she was trying to

 

You're assuming Person A is a female. Why are you making that assumption? Oh, I know why... I know who's team you're on. But I'll bite your bait anyway.

 

It seems to me that one of the big complaints everyone has about online dating is the feeling that you are just another apple in the apple bin -- the shopper will pick you up, examine you, and then do the same with many other apples. The exchange A and B had only serves to exacerbate that sort of feeling.

 

I agree with this. But, at the same time if I'm realistic about this sort of thing, the fact of the matter is that people have options when online dating.

[Star Gazer]

First of all, "textversation" is not a word.

 

Second of all, if you have something like that going on, honesty is not the best policy. What you do in your free time and with who is your business until things get serious. So I'd recommend just keeping your multiple-dating tendencies to yourself. It's not that it's wrong and something to hide, necessarily, it's just that it brings needless complication and emotions to what is still a simple, light relationship.

 

But what if they ask? How do you get around that?

 

"Why can't you meet up tomorrow?" or "What did you do tonight?"

[OceanGirl]

Meh I do this all the time. Providing that I have never met the guy in person, I will tell him about my failed date(s). If he asks "what did you get up to tonight", I will tell him "went on a date with this OKC guy, it was ****house". I don't see the problem with it. I also talk about my dates with my former hook ups over IM but I can't say that they seem too comfortable with it :S

[Lakeside_runner]

Weird... I don't talk to people about other people I went on dates with. Yes, it is assumed that before you become exclusive you can see as many people as you want but I think that talking about it just puts a sour taste in the mouth and some sort of a feeling like "Huh, I thought we're getting along well - maybe I was wrong since you keep looking for other people".

 

I don't like it when girls talk to me about other dates (happened actually only once). I don't talk to girls about other dates. I just keep it "It's us - right here, right now"...

[Untouchable_Fire]

What say you?

 

Honesty is Ok. Actually I like it.

 

However, I don't like it when the other guy is badmouthed. It feels like gossip.

[Star Gazer]

However, I don't like it when the other guy is badmouthed. It feels like gossip.

 

The failed date wasn't badmouthed at all.

[sumdude]

It kind of fits in there with not talking about your exes until maybe much later in a relationship.

[Star Gazer]

It kind of fits in there with not talking about your exes until maybe much later in a relationship.

 

That's going overboard.

 

On almost every single online date I've ever been on, there's been some playful banter about our respective bad online dates, usually initiated by the guy. It's broken any tension that was there.

[xpaperxcutx]

Why did Person A failed to meet Person B?

 

If I was person A, I wouldn't think I owed any obligations to B. Furthermore, B is entitled to date other people, given that I've already date C.

[welikeincrowds]

It does depend on what A said to B regarding C. A may not have communicated good will to B if A was particularly reproachful about C. Or B, wrong or right, may not have seen virtue in A if B interpreted A's disclosure to have violated the privacy (or dignity) of C. Finally, B may have felt that A's disclosure about C was disrespectful to the sanctity and dignity of the fledgling relationship between A and B -- C should have never been a part of the discussion -- and so this would reflect poorly on A's good sense, and, possibly, good will.

 

Looking at all these possibilities, it is evident that A should not have mentioned another person at all to B. Clearly B does not expect full disclosure, as B should not. Other people are rarely relevant anyway; why mention them now, when it is furthermore unexpected? It is a risk with negligible reward, but significant possibility of backfire.

 

I realize that A was probably not thinking in these terms, but that's where we get back to good sense. A and B are still in the stage of impressions. A should be mindful of these impressions, almost out of principle, and certainly if A is to convince B to continue a mutual pursuit. That A did not is thus inconsiderate and maybe a little insulting, even though A certainly never intended to be. With a little more forethought A could have realized that the disclosure was fraught with potential negative ramifications on these first impressions.

 

That is not to say that this situation is, or should be considered, a big deal. Regardless, this is a situation A should have avoided.

[welikeincrowds]

That's going overboard.

 

On almost every single online date I've ever been on, there's been some playful banter about our respective bad online dates, usually initiated by the guy. It's broken any tension that was there.

 

This is where I have to qualify my position.

 

I'm coming from a position of rhetoric, which is about knowing your audience, and I'm assuming A was not intending to alienate B from being a part of A's audience.

 

At the same time, A could have used these comments as a screen. It is possible that A would not be interested in dating a person like B, who could not laugh about a ****ty date with C.

[johan]

But what if they ask? How do you get around that?

 

"Why can't you meet up tomorrow?"

 

"I'm meeting a friend."

 

 

or "What did you do tonight?"

 

"I met a friend."

 

You don't have to be dishonest. But you aren't required to bridge the two circuits. Unless you like the sparks.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The failed date wasn't badmouthed at all.

 

Then he is objecting because he doesn't like the idea of you dating anyone else and does not want to hear about it.

 

I'm not sure what that says about him exactly. However, I would not be comfortable dating someone with that level of sensitivity.

[sumdude]

That's going overboard.

 

On almost every single online date I've ever been on, there's been some playful banter about our respective bad online dates, usually initiated by the guy. It's broken any tension that was there.

 

OK... sooo the online dating dynamic is different from IRL dating? I haven't done online dating so this is news to me.

[Chocolat]

You're assuming Person A is a female. Why are you making that assumption? Oh, I know why... I know who's team you're on. But I'll bite your bait anyway.

 

 

I originally wrote everything as "s/he" but that got too confusing when trying to distinguish the personal pronoun for A from the personal pronoun for B, so I decided to write as if A were female and B male. If A is not female, then just switch the personal pronouns to the opposite of what I wrote. Nothing else changes -- my opinion is gender-neutral.

 

I don't get the "team" reference.