toofargone Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 This is the first time I've EVER talked to anyone about my marriage, so thanks for listening. My husband and I got married right out of highschool, I was 18 and he was 19. He joined the Air Force and is still serving, so I have been isolated from my family and have no support system. We have 2 kids, ages 8 and 3 and I'm a stay at home mom. Okay, so those are the facts... To make a very long story shorter, he has had multiple emotional affairs over the years, joined dating sites, engaged in sex-talk in chatrooms, and I'm pretty sure there were 2 physical affairs. He lies, lies, lies about the big things and the littlest things. I'm so ashamed of myself for staying in this marriage. So ashamed and embarassed. Why have I stayed? He's a good father and if I leave, I'll have to move back to my hometown and he won't be able to see the kids because of his Air Force commitments. I haven't worked in almost 9 years, and for various reasons, I did not complete my degree so I'm terrified of not being able to find a job and the thought of putting my daughter in daycare kills me. We live a comfortable life, we get along fairly well and there is really no fighting in front of the kids. We put on the show of happy family. But it is killing me. I cannot explain the feeling of being in a marriage with a person who you absolutely cannot trust. He doesn't know that I have monitoring software on the computer, but that's how I know he's sending flirting/inappropriate emails to Facebook friends again. I know I cannot continue in this marriage. I cannot believe its been 15 years when I should have left the first time I found out--which was on our 1 year anniversary. I am terrified of leaving and starting over--life with him is all I've ever known. I'm terrified of ruining my kids lives. I'm terrified of not being financially secure and ending up on welfare like my parents were. But I am just this empty shell of a person who puts on a smile for the world, all the while I'm dealing with this mess. We don't talk about it at all. I know I'll never be able to trust him; I think he may be a sex addict. I know I need to leave. But how in the hell do I find the strength to take the first step? Thanks for letting me get this out. JJ
fltc Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 This is the first time I've EVER talked to anyone about my marriage, so thanks for listening. My husband and I got married right out of highschool, I was 18 and he was 19. He joined the Air Force and is still serving, so I have been isolated from my family and have no support system. You have a HUGE support system right here! Don't hesitate to use it when you need it.
tank Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 toofargone, have you ever thought about marriage counsilling? Is that an option? Sometimes the MC can help the 2 of you relate and maybe he will come clean about the lies to you and you will be able to start rebuilding trust. If this isnt an option, then seek legal advise before you do anything. You have a very large support network here. you will get it no matter what you decide to do.
iheartboobs Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 If this guy's been cheating for 15 years, then that's unforgivable, and you do need to get out. Get a legal separation, file for divorce, sue for alimony/child support, and move back with your family. You say he's a good father, but he's not. When someone cheats, they don't just hurt their spouse but their children too. I don't care how he cares for them financially or if he reads to them at night, a cheater is never a good parent or role model. I know it's hard and scary, but do you really want to go through this for the rest of your life? Can you?
carhill Posted November 11, 2010 Posted November 11, 2010 Air Force Instruction 36-2906, Personal Financial Responsibility requires servicemembers, in the absence of an agreement or court order, to "provide adequate financial support to family members." Para. 3.2.1. Period. Unlike the other services, the Air Force does not attempt to define the level of support, instead leaving it up to the parties' agreement, and civilian courts if the parties do not agree. Even when a commander receives a complaint of nonsupport, the commander may require proof of support, but cannot define what constitutes an adequate level of support. Support includes not only cash payments, but in-kind payments like buying groceries, paying bills, etc. What does this mean? If you are a spouse separated from a servicemember, and need child support or maintenance, get a court order! See an experienced military attorney or local JAG office for more information. The military deals with cheaters amongst its ranks in its own way. Welcome to LS.
Author toofargone Posted November 12, 2010 Author Posted November 12, 2010 Thank you for your feedback and really, just validating my feelings. I've threatened to leave so many times, and I swear to you, every single time I'm ready to do it, something HUGE happens; like a pregnancy, a death in the family, deployment, ect... 2 years ago, I believe there was an actual affair, although I cannot prove it and he denies it. We were soooo close to ending it then but he convinced me he was ready to be a different person. He went to counseling, read books about marriage, started going to church with me; all things he had never done before. In the back of my mind, I knew I couldn't let my guard down though. It was a path I've walked before with him. Then we got orders to move again so in my indecision, I moved with him again. Everything had been going really well, but I just had a feeling something wasn't right. So via the keylogger I found emails and facebook interactions between him and several women. Flirty chatting, nothing too sexual but surely it would not be messages he'd want me to see. So much for transparency, right? This is how it always starts with him. He's so freaking insecure and constantly needing validation from others, and I imagine that is his biggest problem. I know when I bring the latest things up he'll tell me I'm overreacting... I wasn't even upset this time. I'm so numb to his crap. So very numb. And when I feel sad about it, I'm just sad that for our kids. Being military kids, there lives are so crazy all the time. I need to give them all the stability in the world. We are supposed to move again next year so I'm going to hold out until then to separate. Is it completely crazy for me to consider living in the same town as my husband? Of course, he'll have to pay to keep 2 houses running; which is the only way I'd do it. That way, the kids would still have a father in their lives. But I'd still be isolated away from my family... The more I think about this, the better I feel. Just really relief to have an exit plan, you know? I know in the long run the kids and I will not just survive, we will thrive. I've thought about going to marriage counseling but really... I am so over hoping that he can change. It is just an absolutely impossible thing for him. I'm not worried about him providing financial support. I have all the emails/texts/pictures in a file from over the years which I can easily take to his command. He retires from the military in 4 years so hopefully he'll choose to live near his kids then if I do go back home. Thank you for this free therapy session
iheartboobs Posted November 12, 2010 Posted November 12, 2010 Glad we could help, but I'd think really hard about just going ahead and getting it over with now. You keep getting ready to move and then coming up with excuses not to... I mean, if you're ready to leave now, then what's the point of waiting a year? Is the fact that you're moving going to make a separation easier? If you want to keep the house you're in, then get a legal separation, file for alimony, and kick his ass out the door. If you keep putting it off, you're just going to keep finding reasons why it's "inconvenient" to separate right now, and you're never going to do it. It's about time to get this business done or get off the pot, don't you think?
SummerLady Posted November 13, 2010 Posted November 13, 2010 This is the first time I've EVER talked to anyone about my marriage, so thanks for listening. My husband and I got married right out of highschool, I was 18 and he was 19. He joined the Air Force and is still serving, so I have been isolated from my family and have no support system. We have 2 kids, ages 8 and 3 and I'm a stay at home mom. Okay, so those are the facts... To make a very long story shorter, he has had multiple emotional affairs over the years, joined dating sites, engaged in sex-talk in chatrooms, and I'm pretty sure there were 2 physical affairs. He lies, lies, lies about the big things and the littlest things. I'm so ashamed of myself for staying in this marriage. So ashamed and embarassed. Why have I stayed? He's a good father and if I leave, I'll have to move back to my hometown and he won't be able to see the kids because of his Air Force commitments. I haven't worked in almost 9 years, and for various reasons, I did not complete my degree so I'm terrified of not being able to find a job and the thought of putting my daughter in daycare kills me. We live a comfortable life, we get along fairly well and there is really no fighting in front of the kids. We put on the show of happy family. But it is killing me. I cannot explain the feeling of being in a marriage with a person who you absolutely cannot trust. He doesn't know that I have monitoring software on the computer, but that's how I know he's sending flirting/inappropriate emails to Facebook friends again. I know I cannot continue in this marriage. I cannot believe its been 15 years when I should have left the first time I found out--which was on our 1 year anniversary. I am terrified of leaving and starting over--life with him is all I've ever known. I'm terrified of ruining my kids lives. I'm terrified of not being financially secure and ending up on welfare like my parents were. But I am just this empty shell of a person who puts on a smile for the world, all the while I'm dealing with this mess. We don't talk about it at all. I know I'll never be able to trust him; I think he may be a sex addict. I know I need to leave. But how in the hell do I find the strength to take the first step? Thanks for letting me get this out. JJ First do not feel ashamed at all. I know how you feel as I felt the same. Do not allow this person to make you feel bad for trying to make your marriage work and making a life with a family while he was off making his own conflicted life. Do not stay. You already know you have to leave that feeling will never subside and you will never really trust him again. I am not saying pack your bags tomorrow. Know that you have to leave this realtionship behind and chalk it up to a learning experience. Yes you will have guilt, I still have some HOWEVER I wouldn't go back if you paid me. Far too much damage has been done. Make a plan then execute. It took me 2 years to break free with 2 kids. Start designing it now..So when you leave you have most of what you need to survive outside of this failed relationship, if not you will get sucked back in if you need his help and support...You can do this. Know that. You deserve better. Know that. You will survive and thrive. As my aunt always said, this too shall pass.. Good Luck!
Author toofargone Posted November 17, 2010 Author Posted November 17, 2010 Summer, Thank you. Its helpful to talk to someone who has been in a similiar position. When did you tell your husband you were leaving? Just wondering how much time passed from the time you told him and you actually left. I will leave. I will, there is no doubt in my mind. I just need to minimize the impact on my kids and make sure I don't make things worse than they need to be. Believe me, if there were any abuse (physical, verbal, ect...) I would pack my kids and be gone tonight without question. But right now, at this moment, this is the best thing for them. Certainly not for me in the long run, but there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for them, so I'll suck it up awhile longer. My best case senario is 18 months from now; when we are scheduled to move anyway. It will allow me to get my credit card paid off, and I'm going to take some classes online to prepare myself for working again. I'm a type A planner, I cannot help it. I have to have a plan, so that's what I'm working on right now. I'm WAY beyond hoping he'll change and we'll live happily ever after. Not a chance he'll ever change. I just need to plan out my next steps, which have to be careful and calculated for my kids.
twostepsahead Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 You are smart to make a plan. I never thought I would divorce. I also married my high-school sweetheart. I had a pretty good life. My first separation was seven years ago, and he had cheated. We had our issues and I thought we could work through them. Three years ago a close friend, who also was close friends with my husband, looked at me in a way and with so much conviction I have never forgotten it - and basically told me in no uncertain terms that I deserved better. Luckily I had a degree. But I spent another three years taking classes to position myself financially and working my way up in my position into self-sufficiency. Things deterioriated severely recently (drinking, depression, cheating, disappearing on his part). Papers on the dissolution were signed yesterday. My advice - find a profession in demand (nursing?) and get the courses,training, or degree you need. If life isn't miserable and your not afraid of getting something from your husband (or use protection), do it over the next couple of years, then go for the dissolution or divorce. Of course, if you are losing pieces of yourself and it's hurting your self-esteem, or you just can't stand it, get out now. Accept support and help from friends and family. Guilt, no matter what - there is some. I can't help but to think he knew I was thinking of not staying married. But in my heart I always thought it would work out in the end. My family is angry that I have this guilt (they never really told me what they thought while I was married but after the separation - watch out). There was some verbal and emotional abuse, along with absences. I'm told it will look a whole lot different one-year out. I can see already the disfunction was greater than I realized while I was in it. Good luck.
twostepsahead Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I forgot to mention, we were together 25 years and married 18. My kids were 8 and 11 the first time we separated and I contemplated divorce and are now 14 and 17. I moved into my own place a few months ago and it's been emotionally hard but life is less stressful in many ways and I'm slowly getting more optimistic about my life and future.
karaann07 Posted November 18, 2010 Posted November 18, 2010 I wish I had something wonderful and insightful to say, but I really don't. I was married once before, too, and he actually appeared to be Prince Charming, but under THAT, he was actually a pathological liar and a cheater. Luckily, there were no kids involved. I am currently struggling in my marriage now, for similar reasons you've mentioned. Just know you're not alone.
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