Is it ending?

[Blue In New York]

I'm really sorry for this long winded post....

I've been in an ldr for 2.5 years and before that we were together in the same city for almost 3. We had an amazing relationship and every day I felt like I was the luckiest person in the world. We connected in every way. Our lives were entangled and we shared the same friends and acquaintances.

The job market in our city was bad and I couldn't find a job beyond restaurants and cafes even though I had a college degree. I decided to move to NY since I had family, friends and connections there and to experience living in a large city. My bf told me he would try to move within a year. That same year though he started a business which depended on him staying in our hometown. This business gives him a lot of satisfaction and happiness so I couldn't help but be supportive. On the other hand it meant that our LDR had no end in sight : (

 

We had always had an extremely close and affectionate relationship. The first 2 years that I've been here he did everything he could so that we could see each other at least every 6 weeks. I have always been really broke so I wasn't able to spend as much as he could.

 

The next major blow to our relationship was grad school. I've always had self esteem issues bc of the way my family treated me. I never thought I was good enough to do anything. I did however get into a grad school program in NY at a really good school. Unfortunately I realized that the program is totally wrong for me only when I started it this past fall. This has been the most intense, stressful and emotional time of my life.

I had been venting and complaining endlessly with my bf and pleading for his help and advice on what to do. He responded with being helpful as much as he could but also distancing himself. For the first time in all our years together, I felt that things had changed between us. He was less affectionate with me in our communications. I brought this up 3 weeks ago on the phone and I opened a can of worms. He told me that he doesn't feel like a bf to me. He said it's getting harder for him to even come visit me financially and energy wise. He said he still loves me and that he will always be supportive of me and try to help me because he wants me to be happy. He also said that he is unsure about a romantic life with me. He said that I can't deal with my problems in life and that It's just stressful for him because I'm always having to deal with something negative. He's a very good person and has always spoken the truth, no matter how difficult of a truth. He always tries to help me and be positive but he says that it never helps and he's a problem solver type of person. So it's just and endless cycle.

 

I'm devastated. He knows I want a future with him and in the past he has told me that he wanted the same. Now he thinks that I'm the kind of person who will never go after what really makes me happy and that I will be negative and torture myself and stay in the same situations. He says he can't see a future with me if the present is so bad and that he can't take it going on like this for the rest of my program. He says that he doesn't want to break up at this moment but this is how he feels right now.

Up until this school stuff, our relationship has always been amazing. The way we treat each other with respect, love and affection. We've had the most wonderful connection and partnership and have both grown so much together. All the troubles are because of things I've had to deal with in my life regarding my lack of career happiness, income and an unsupportive family. His life has always been great and his family is very supportive.

 

I know he felt better telling me all those things. I on the other hand have been really saddened since. I have not complained or vented to him even once since then. I'm now seeing a therapist to work out my issues there. I went home for a wedding and it was amazing. It seemed perfect in every way. It was also extremely busy since I was in the wedding so we didn't have as much time together just being together.

 

Since I've been back though, I feel the dullness in our communication again. I'm cheerful and playful and don't seem to get a response from him. Before we used to call each other many times a day, since that talk I'm lucky if he calls once and it feels obligatory. I'm really trying to give him as much space as he needs by not calling him too much. We used to video chat and just go about our work just so we could be "closer" to each other even if we weren't talking. Now it seems like he's disinterested.

 

I can't help but feel that the magic of our relationship is gone somehow for him. Since he's seen a really unattractive and self-deprecating part of me, he's lost his spark for the relationship. He rarely texts me good night anymore which really hurts. He's nice to me but it doesn't have that affection and feeling it had before school started. He has not told me that he will spend thanksgiving with me (1st time ever!) and since I'm broke, I can't fly home. This winter he has told me he's going overseas for several weeks and has not expressed his wish that I come with him. In the past it was always about us going places together.

 

I don't want to talk about anything right now with him because I'm in the final stretch of the semester and I've got so much work to do. Part of me also thinks that he might be just trying to wait until the semester ends to deal with this stuff again and say the things I most dread. Another thing is that he's in his late 20s and i'm in my early 30s. Maybe he wants to see what else is out there or have sex with other women.

 

I'm really sad and depressed about this stuff. Please offer any advice. I know I'm doing all I can to take all the pressure off him. Did I cause irreparable damage to us? When the semester ends how should I approach these things? Should I not say anything at all and just hope for the best? This LDR is really taking a toll on me and us and i'm certain he's tiring of it as well. I know it wouldn't be this way if I had a good job and never had to have moved away.

Now I feel I will lose my true love. : (

[Idalis]

I'm sorry you're going through this. But I think you're going about it the right way by giving him space. I'm 30 as well and still don't have my career in full swing the way I wish I did but I rarely if ever break down in front of my bf. 1) B/c I'm really not broken down over it since I am educated and working on bettering my career/ financial situation and 2) b/c technically its not my bf's problem to solve its mine

 

So I can understand where you're bf is coming from. Its nice to have someone to vent to, don't get me wrong, and you should be able to do that with your SO but if your constantly bringing him down or are indecisive about your own plans for the future then I can see why he would be turned off like that.

 

You are in your 30's so you really do need to grab the bull by the horns and decide what it is YOU want for your life and make sound choices. If he sees that you are confident then he might come around again, but even if for some reason he doesn't at the very least you've set yourself on a better path.

 

Good luck, I hope this doesn't affect your studies

[willshela]

Don't lose hope,If you are truly meant ,God will make a way to make you happy.

 

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aisle marking tape

[Els]

I think you're doing the right thing now, by working on yourself and giving him space. You haven't mentioned how long it's been since you started working on yourself, though. In your shoes, what I would do is keep up the good work on myself for a few months after the fallout while focusing on school til exams are over, and then reassess the situation. If he is still distant, have a frank talk with him about how he feels. If nothing has changed on his part despite you having altered your behaviour and attitude for the better, as sad as it is, at least you know that you've tried your best and will emerge from the relationship a better and stronger person.

[Blue In New York]

Thank you so much for your advice! I'm just trying to do the best I can and it seems the same every day. I guess thankfully I'm so busy with school it's only the nights that are really hard.

Today he texted me and said he missed me because he was having a rough day. That's about the nicest thing he's said to me in a long time.

 

E, I've only been working on myself as far as therapy for about a year. I had to take a four month break bc of lack of insurance. It's been really helpful to have someone to vent to about my school pressures and anxieties but my therapist seems to not be too interested in my relationship problems which is why I came here.

 

I hope things get better but i'm just not confident about it at all. this ldr has been so difficult and draining. have any of you ever thought to just set their partner free so they could see what else is out there? Maybe mine would realize how special our thing was. i hate the thought of a relationship just getting stagnant dying a slow painful death. i really hate this situation so much.