I am completely devastated...

[victoria.v]

A while ago I was complaining that my LDR partner started to change. To sum it up: I was used with him being caring, sweet and cute and I got worried and unhappy when he seemed to be losing interest in us.

Meanwhile, things started to get incredibly better. I found myself some occupations, so that I won't be always "available" for him (like someone suggested, considering the situation given) and I stopped pointing out his change. Since then, everything went well. He told me that I should always doubt any negative thoughts when it comes about us, he started to show more interest and we were back to our nice conversations.

In all this time we haven't talked about our relationship at all, or about seeing each other again. He's having some family and money problems, and I thought it'd be good to be more considerate, and don't bring these things up right now.

Today it was different. He brought it up saying that his feelings for me are not the same as my feelings for him, that I see him in a romantic way, while he can't see me more than a friend. He told me it's because of the distance, and that he can't be emotionally invested in something that would hurt him; that our distance problem can't be helped and that he won't wait for me (adding that I shouldn't either, because it's unfair for both of us). He told me much more, but I think these are the main ideas. You can imagine how I felt...

On the other side he added that we can't predict the future, that maybe there's a chance for us in the future (but definitely not now) and that he's still attracted to me from every point of view. This didn't help me much...

Why is he telling me this if he knows there can't be anything between us?

Probably more of you who are in a LDR can understand me when I'm saying that sometimes when I notice couples holding hands or kissing, it makes me nostalgic. I'm hurt too because I can't have him close to me for the most basic things (like a conversation face to face, or a hug)... and all those lonely nights hurt as well. Why can I go on while being "hurt", and he can't? He has feelings for me, but he's not giving us any chance because of the distance... and that feels unfair. Up to now I was more happy for knowing him, than sad for not being together.

I was very afraid this will once happen... On one side I know I have to let it go, and move forward. That's what I have to do, right? But I have no experience... I feel like losing my best friend and a potential serious partner, I feel horrible thinking that all the cute things between us will end, same about the "sexy" ones. I also feel betrayed, for all those times he told me that I should be positive and that everything's gonna be fine. Even if he said that nothing has changed, I can't watch him with the same eyes - and how could I? I know it's better to put an end to this suffering (which will eventually happen) - but I don't know how to cope with this feelings, feelings of betrayal and loss.

I'm so scared

[lala82]

End a relationship is not easy. Specially, if your partner was the only one to decide to stop the relationship.

 

My ex bf split up with me 2.5 months ago. He told me that that for him was very difficult to deal with the distance and that we had many problems in the past. For me it was very sad to split up with him. We spent 3,5 years together and lived 1 year together.

 

I cried and feet depressed. But I decided to do not have any contact with him. He sent me 3 e-mails, but I did not reply. I delated him from msn, skype and facebook. Since there, we have not spoken.

 

I do not regret about my decision. I feel happy and I know it was the best. I have meet a very special person. I am very happy with him, we care a lot each other, we do not argue. I feel in love again.

 

If he does want to be with, just let he go. You will find a better person.

[Idalis]

I agree with lala82, as sasd as you are feeling right now. How much worse would it be to be with someone that does not wholeheartedly want to be with you?

You deserve better than that! I believe that when you TRULY love someone you fight for them you don't just give up, he obviously was not able to do that, and thats okay b/c that only means that someone more suited for you will come along.

 

LDR's are difficult at times and if the other person isn't 100% in it with you then its not worth it to miss out on those hugs & kisses that you could have from someone local. Sounds like you were doing everything right, so don't beat yourself up or blame yourself and just be happy knowing that you gave it your all and if that wasnt enough then maybe its b/c it wasnt meant to be. Sending positive thoughts your way!!

[victoria.v]

I realize I have to let go, to absolutely everything, but this feeling of loss is devastating. After all this while when he was saying that everything's ok, I suddenly know there's no hope left for us. It happened too quick.

Of course it'd be better for me if I'd find myself someone else... but it's hard for me to invest feelings in a new relationship. This thought is sickening (knowing that everything that's nice between us has to disappear... and even if I'll meet someone new, I'll miss his specific way of being).

I didn't need this now... especially so out of the blue. I got rejected because of something that's not even my fault.

Idalis, I perfectly understand what you're saying... that's why is strange for me to know that he actually doesn't really want me, or fight for me. I can't act the same with him, I know I can't be affectionate anymore because he'll reject me and this is why I'm sad...

Argh...

[victoria.v]

*sorry for my double post*

Edited November 11, 2010 by victoria.v
double post

[PhyB]

I totally understand what you feel, from the bottom of my heart, because I am undergoing a similar situation as you. I understand that it is not possible to find another man as you believe you find him the right one (this is what i think). Talk to him honestly and ask him what he wants. Somehow, it may be good to seperate for quite a while and think we you really wants. Give yourself and him some time. He will finally understand how good you are. Love and trust yourself and don't lose your originality. This is very important! Men love women who love themselves. Lots of support here!!!

[lala82]

Victoria:

 

I know how you feel now. It is a very difficult situation. When you put a lot of effort and your partner does not put the same effort.

 

I do not say you must to go now to find someone else now. You need time yourself to realise what you want and what you deserve. Try to keep yourself busy, try to spent time with your friends and organize activities.

 

Even, if you are very sad do not try to contact him. If you will be available for him; he will never realize that he lost a great person. If he does not contact you, do not worry. Be strong and be confident. You will find a better person.

 

I am in a LDR with a new person. I met him without planning. I though that I won't meet someone else for a while. We cares each other a lot, we speak daily. He is very special with me. We do not argue and planning to move to his city next year. I am very very happy with him.

 

I do not regret my decision of not having contact with my ex.

[reknown29]

I was where you were two months ago. I feel like I understand some of your pain from a male perspective.

 

I agree with the No Contact. Its the only way you can get over him. Its better for both of you. ...my ex still contacts me by text every few days and every time I am devastated again. It has made it sooo difficult for me to realize that it is over. It has been two months now and I am just starting to move on. I need to ignore her texts.

 

I talk to other women, go out with them but I am numb and cant even think of starting another relationship. I was in a relationship with my dream girl. I feel like my whole idea of love and romance has been crushed. It will never be the same. I am empty inside like my heart has literally been ripped out. A shell of a man. What I am learning though, is that I made this happen. When you are devastated like we are, it is time to search inside of yourself. I am reading a book called A New Earth which has been surprisingly helpful. It explains how you do this kind of thing to yourself and it helps to break the habits that we seem to repeat.

 

I would say that loving yourself more than anyone is the most important thing that I have learned from this. Sadly, I would have to say that I loved this girl more. I put her on a pedestal. Maybe you did the same thing with your ex? If so, spend time to focus on you and do things that make you happy.

 

Bottom line is that you are going to be ok. Im going to be ok. Everybody on here will be ok. In the beginning you need to get it out. Cry. Wail. Do this as much as possible until there is nothing left. You will feel a great release. Repeat this for as long as it takes. Then move on. You connected with this man and you will connect with someone else. You cant spend your time yearning for someone who doesnt know what they want. Let him go. Love yourself. Imagine yourself sitting across from a hot guy while being entrapped in each others worlds, forgetting where you are. It will happen again. Its inevitable. Give it time. Forget the past. Live in the present.

 

Hope this helped.

[victoria.v]

Hello reknown29.

Thanks for your post. By the way, it made me think of a song that used to go something like "I'm nothing but a shell of the man I once was, so you can put me to your ear and actually hear yester-year's ocean" - I know it has no relevance, but I thought I'd share

I know I'll move on, but it's extremely hard and painful until I'll be able to do that. I'll have to quit at plenty of stuff, and plenty of nice memories and customs we have shared together. I think it'd be really weird to have no contact with him, but having it it's painful in the same time. Above all, I consider him a very good friend and I couldn't completely ignore what he does, how he feels... But I'm hurt because I think he stopped caring about me... So if I stop caring about him (which I don't know how to do), he won't be hurt, right? If he doesn't care anymore.

When I broke up with my ex, after we've been together for 4 years (before I have had this relationship) I had to completely remove him out of my life. Initially I didn't want to do it - but he was dependant on me, so I had to do it - so we can both continue our lives.

Anyway... thanks for everything you said. I keep telling to myself that I don't see myself suffering because of him, in 10 years by now... and that I'll move on, I'll be ok. But not now. I know it's not going to happen right now... But I hope it will. Sometimes I just need to hear all of these, said by someone else other than myself

p.s. - would you mind if we'd talk more? talking helps

[xpaperxcutx]

No, I'm sorry, but I do think he's being a little liar. A guy who is attracted to you would want to be with you. For him to be thus yet choosing to break up contradicts that.

 

I think he's just choosing the distance as a convenience to start seeing other people. For him to make a reference about the unpredictablility of the future spells out that he's using you as the back up.

[victoria.v]

No, I'm sorry, but I do think he's being a little liar. A guy who is attracted to you would want to be with you. For him to be thus yet choosing to break up contradicts that.

 

I think he's just choosing the distance as a convenience to start seeing other people. For him to make a reference about the unpredictablility of the future spells out that he's using you as the back up.

 

Yep, I believe too he's contradicting himself, and it's not the first time he does it. Even if he tries to seem rational, I noticed his opinions are not always the same. I'm not sure if he's lying or he just doesn't know what he wants.

And yes, I had the same feeling about the fact that I'm the back up plan. Like if he's not going to meet anyone better than me (or simply, anyone else), and if I'll still be ready to sacrifice things for him (moving in his country), then he'll want a relationship with me. But if this is true, it's not going to happen. I just can't humiliate myself that much and accept everything as if it's normal.

[lala82]

There are still some memories in my head about my ex bf. I feel that I wasted 3.5 years with person, who did not love in the same way as I loved him.

 

Victoria I know how bad are you feeling now. But, be strong, love yourself more than him. I have meet new people in my city and I try to keep myself busy. Keep yourself busy. Do not contact him. Show him that you are strong and that you can continue your life without him. Do not contact rule is difficult, but is the best. It is the only way, that you can move on. And at least, you do not show needy.

[inthagong]

Move on, u will only get hurt....there are plenty of fish in the sea and life is too short, having to wait around for someone who doesnt want to give you anything more than friendship...

 

you will find someone, but take ONE day at a time!

Regards Trent