Boyfriend declares breakup but we still have sex. Very .

[believer_in_love]

My first serious boyfriend of 1 year and almost 11 months are officially broken up. And I am extremely confused. I am of course sad and devastated. But really, I am confused. We were on a break for about 2 weeks, but yesterday, he clarified what he meant by the break, which is that we are broken up and are single. Thing is, I live with him and his family. Sleep on the same bed as him. And I still like to cuddle/hug/kiss him, but he is reluctant to do those stuff. However, he doesn’t mind having sex with me. I like having sex with him, so I always initiate it. He doesn’t really initiate it, but he doesn’t stop me whenever I try to get some with him. But, he seems reluctant whenever I kiss him on his face, hug him, etc. many times. I know it seems like he just wants to have sex and nothing else, and I’m the fool to let him have it like this, basically being his friend with benefits. I know it seems bad on my part that I give it to him when we are not even together. But, he is my first, and the only one I know to have it with, and whenever I get horny, I turn to him.

 

Anyway, the reason why we broke up is because the last time I cussed him out, and was verbally abusive to him cause I was mad, was his last straw I guess. I had been verbally abusive or threatened to leave the relationship and move out of his place many times, but he always stuck by cause he didn’t want to believe those words, and still loved me. However, the last time I had my last fit on him, he decided he was fed up, and agreed that we should be on a break. When I had realized I was on the verge of losing him, I began to clean up my act. I have been trying very hard to please him and be the person I feel he would want, and although he notices the changes, he mentions the timing is all bad. After my last fit, he had enough, and doesn’t want to be in any relationship with anyone at all right now. So, it’s not like he has another girl on the side burner. He just feels he wants time to himself and time alone.

 

And at the same token, he mentions how he has a notion he’ll be back, like we’ll be back together. Even though I live with him right now, I can’t move out yet, because I have a touring job, and the soonest I’ll be able to move out is June 2011. He is not kicking me out either, but once that time comes, he says he will help me get situated in a new place (I’m still hoping I don’t have to move out and hoping by that time, we will be back together.) But he also mentioned, this break/breakup will probably last even after June 2011, in which case I wouldn’t be able to stay. Of fear that I will actually really move out and actually start paying rent and all that stuff (to which he says he will help with), I have been trying to convince him to continue the relationship. I confess all my feelings to him, that I love him and he’s the only one for me and I cry while saying all of this. He tells me when he sees me likes this, he just wants to hold me like a boyfriend, but as of now, he feels he doesn’t have feelings for me 100%, which is why he doesn’t want to half-a** anything. He says he would much rather be able to give me his all. He also mentions us as being a book placed on the shelf for the time being, and that we can also come back and pick it back up (our relationship.) And I tell him, “what if there are other factors involved? Like other books? (as in other people come into the picture making it more difficult) and he said “you can have all the books you want,” but that he will still be the one for me. He is pretty confident I wont find anyone else like him, as I have repeated it to him multiple times. And he felt the same way. He mentioned he doesn’t think anyone will compare.

 

I told him the hardest part of the this relationship is I am afraid I would never find a guy like him, or someone better. He then reassured me saying, “Well, if you don’t find anyone, and I don’t find anyone else or am still single, we can always try again.” And the night before, he asks me if I will always have feelkings for him, to which I say, “of course you will always have a place in my heart because you’re my first for everything. But if I’m 29 and still not married yet, I have no choice but to find another person, because my womanly eggs are not getting any younger,” I kid. And he’s like “well, what if I’m 29 and still single?” And I say “Well then you beter hit me up.” And he says “You hit ME up.” And he basically says he wants me to chase him, and I tell him I don’t chase guys, and he says he used to girls chasing him. Mind you, he actually chased me, and said I was the only girl he ever chased so hard after. He mentioned what I’m feeling right now is basically what he felt back then in the beginning when he was chasing me, but I showed no interest.

 

Thus, I want your feedback as to what you think is going through his mind. He is also preparing to fix up my car (a used car he helped me pick out but died 2-3 months after. I had put down $5400 for it and now it doesn’t work. He had tinkered with the engine, and now it doesn’t work.) But he says he will pay for the replacement engine to get my car running again. It will cost at least a minimum of 2000. He doesn’t have much saved, and this will all be coming from back-to-back paychecks. So I’m asking what is your take on this? We are technically friends now, but he is still willing to pay for all this himself. Does he feel guilty perhaps that it was maybe his fault that he tinkered with the engine and so he feels he should replace the engine himself (at the expense of him having no money for himself?) Or does he really care about me that much still?

 

Oh yeah, this morning, I sarcastically kid around with him before he left work asking him “best friends forever?” and I held up my pinky for him to swear by, and he wrapped his pinky around mine and said best friends for now.” I was thinking “for now?” And he mentioned “well, I say best friends for now, because it can only get better from there right? Cause after best friends, we’ll be lovers again.” So as you can see, I am very confused. Is it really time he needs? Or is he just telling me this stuff to make me feel better and move on quicker?

[Cratsky]

you need to have this clear in your mind: His actions speak louder than his words. He can say he'll give you the moon but that means nothing if he's got 'things' on the side.

 

You don't know what he is thinking and it doesn't matter. Any power that you held over him is gone now. He can go and do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants. For you to think anything otherwise is simply delusional.

 

Take your power back. Don't sleep with him, don't convince yourself that he's going to 'come around'. You're just torturing yourself.

 

Focus on your future and moving forward. If you've made your position clear, he can either step up to the plate and show you (through action) that he is ready or he will continue to use you as a stepping stone. He will step on you to get through his own emotional pain and eventually find someone else to love.

 

Don't be a victim, take control and walk away.